Work Text:
Jinsol’s eyes locked on the woman’s face. She could not pinpoint exactly what made her feel so familiar. The softness in her eyes reminded her of the person she had once loved. The woman’s fingers brushed over the back of her hand following a pattern she knew well too.
The woman had been talking for a while, and Jinsol felt that knowing who the woman was, calling her by her name was an absolute necessity in this situation. It was socially unacceptable that she was having a conversation without knowing a person’s name, especially when this person seemed to know her well. But she could not remember anything about that person. She could not remember at all.
“Chaewon is graduating from university next Friday. It would mean a lot to her if you could come, but I’m sure she’ll understand if you can’t make it.”
Jinsol did not understand anything. Her fingers grasped onto the leather of her armchair, her nails digging in it with a rattling sound. What was she supposed to answer? She did not know who Chaewon was.
Whoever she was, she must have been smart, if she got through university.
Maybe Jinsol had graduated university herself. She was not too sure. A vague image of pool tables came to her mind when she thought of that word. She wondered if it meant anything, if it was a memory trying to surface or her mind playing tricks on her as usual. Once again, she did not know.
The other woman grabbed her hand, keeping her from scratching the armchair more deeply. Her hands around hers felt warm, soft. Jinsol did not remember the last time someone held her hands like that. It was probably Sooyoung who had.
“Hey, it’s okay.”
The woman’s voice was soothing. It was like she knew what Jinsol was going through, like she could feel her struggle. Empathy showed in her eyes.
For about fifteen minutes, this woman had been talking to her in a sweet, comforting tone, and Jinsol was still in this weird, perplexed state that she often found herself in whenever people talked to her about things she was supposed to know. She still had not uttered a word, but the woman was still there, talking, making conversation by herself, and seeming fine with it, as if it was not an unusual situation.
“I’m sorry, maybe I’ve already asked this before but who are you?”
The spark in the woman’s brown eyes disappeared, giving room for a deep sadness that Jinsol caught a glimpse of for a second before she could conceal it behind a weak smile. Jinsol’s stomach twisted. She did not want to hurt this person who was visiting her. She never wanted to hurt people when she asked that question. Sometimes she would not ask them who they were, and let them talk anyway, nodding, pretending that she understood everything. But it was hard for her, to pretend. Yet, it was all she could do.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude.”
The pain in the woman’s eyes were barely masked by the softness of her smile. A smile, that resembled a lot one that Jinsol would always recognize.
“You know, your smile reminds me of my first love.”
Maybe it was not an appropriate thing to say to a stranger, but whenever Jinsol could remember something, she would say it. She did not remember much about her life, but she did remember Ha Sooyoung. She remembered how pretty she was when she danced. She remembered how her nose would crunch when she laughed too hard. She remembered how Sooyoung would turn the whole world into a poem.
“When the sun goes down, the moon replaces it, and we become oblivious to the fact that the sun shone in the first place. Do you think darkness makes us forget that light exists? I think it does, sometimes.”
That one evening, laying on the grass, Jinsol had understood Sooyoung’s mind was clouded by darkness a lot more than she had thought, so she tried her best to bring her light. Jinsol had never known if she really did help Sooyoung, or if the darkness was under cover behind the endearing smile that kept appearing more and more often on her beloved’s face, much to her delight.
That smile was so youthful it was surprising to see the same on the forty-something sitting next to her. Despite the wrinkles making their way through the woman’s skin, and despite the worry Jinsol could decipher in its parchment, she could tell that this woman was a force of nature, a wise one, just like the one she loved.
“You look a lot like her too.”
The woman’s grin faded, and she looked serious, at once. Her voice rose, quiet, almost ceremonious.
“Did you ever fall in love with someone else, Jinsol?”
Jinsol could not remember, but no one could ever come close to Sooyoung. Despite the darkness she had been in when she was younger, Sooyoung had very much been Jinsol’s firefly. She had guided her through her own darkness and they had both made it to dawn safe and sound.
“Not a chance. I think I could have married her. Maybe I have. I don’t know. I don’t know much, I’m sorry.”
The woman smirked.
“You have, actually.”
Jinsol frowned. How could this woman know that? Jinsol herself did not know. Then again, it felt like everyone knew Jinsol’s life better than she did.
The woman lifted Jinsol’s left hand she was still holding and placed her own left palm against it.
“Can you see the rings?”
Jinsol gasped. Their rings were the same. She pulled her hand away and brought the woman’s hand closer to her eyes, so she could look at the details of her ring.
“J and S. 06.06.2021…”
She was merely whispering what was engraved in the alloy of regular and white gold. She raised her eyes to meet the other woman’s.
“How did you get that?”
The smirk on the woman’s face extended, but Jinsol was not amused. Had she stolen the ring from the love of her life? Was this woman a thief who had come only to torture her and play mind games with her? How could Jungeun let her in?
“You gave it to me twenty-three years ago, Jinsol. That day, at the city hall.”
Jinsol’s jaw was clenched. How could she believe this woman when her own memory was so unreliable?
“You can’t be Sooyoung. Sooyoung is not even thirty yet.”
This woman was definitely too old to be her Sooyoung.
“Sol, a lot of time has passed, you know. I have aged. But I still remember my vows at the altar, do you want me to tell you what they were?
Jinsol gauged the sincerity of her words. She was not sure she wanted to hear what the wannabe Sooyoung was about to say, but she did seem sincere. She nodded, not knowing what to expect. A part of her hoping for something, although she did not know what exactly.
“So, it went like this: Jinsol, even after this day, I’ll still write your name in a big heart on the sand every time we go to the beach. And even when the sea washes it away, I’ll draw it again. I’ll…”
Jinsol recognized every word. She would repeat them to herself every night before falling asleep, wondering where her Sooyoung was, since she was not next to her. She started speaking, reciting her gospel perfectly, her voice joining the other woman’s.
“I’ll always be by your side, through the waves and calm shores of our existence. I’ll help you keep the boat of our family afloat. I promise to cherish you, like the pearl inside of an oyster. You’re my pearl, my unique treasure. I’ll protect you and love you as long as the moon rises, and the tide comes and goes.”
The two women went silent, looking into each other’s eyes. There was passion, in the other woman’s eyes. Desperation too. The passion, Jinsol knew it all too well. Then the realization hit.
“Oh Sooyoung, I’m so sorry.”
Jinsol buried her face in her hands, hiding the tears that were forming in the corner of her eyes. She had been talking to the love of her life for more than twenty minutes, and she could not even recognize her. She had even denied her her identity. How rejected Sooyoung must had felt. Jinsol felt stupid, cruel even. She started crying inside her hands.
Soon, she felt arms engulfing her, and a hand brushing through her long grizzling hair. She even recognized the smell in the crook of Sooyoung’s neck. As long as she could remember, she had always worn the same fragrance. Rocked back and forth like a child by her wife’s embrace, she sobbed even harder.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t recognize you. I love you so much. I should recognize you. I’m sorry.”
Jinsol knew something was wrong with her memory, and the worst part was that it was not hurting only herself. She could feel it hurt other people too. She hurt other people. She hated it.
“I know, it’s okay. I love you too. Please stop apologizing. I’ll never be tired of telling you the story of the day of our wedding. I’ll repeat those vows as often as I need to.”
Hearing these words did help. Jinsol knew she would need a reminder. And she knew Sooyoung meant it when she said she would always be there. She hugged her wife tight, inhaling her perfume. But the wave of sadness had not gone away, and Jinsol did not want her wife to see her like this, to have to bear the weight of her not remembering things.
“Actually Sooyoung, I feel tired, I think I’m gonna go to bed.”
Sooyoung frowned visibly worried. Jinsol pouted, not knowing what else to say, and stood up. She took a few steps and turned back.
“Aren’t you coming with me?”
Sooyoung pouted in turn, and Jinsol thought it was cute, even though she was not so young anymore. She did keep that youthful look.
“I’m sorry sweetie, I don’t live here anymore. But I’ll come back tomorrow for sure, I always do.”
Did she? Jinsol could not remember seeing her even once.
“Oh okay, I understand. See you tomorrow, then.”
She walked back to her wife and hugged her before heading towards the stairs.
Now that she thought about it, the only person who was always there was Jungeun.
Jinsol saw Sooyoung wave at her from afar, and then head to the kitchen, where said Jungeun was. They started talking, and Jinsol could have gone upstairs, but she could hear everything, and it made her stay.
“How did she take it this time?” Jungeun asked.
“Not well. She cried. She feels guilty for not remembering. Hopefully tomorrow will be the usual ‘oh my god I found you again, this is a miracle’ happy reaction. I’m worried she’s been getting sad more often in the past few weeks.”
“I’m sorry Mrs. Ha. It’s true that her condition has gotten worse lately…”
“I know… Can you please remind her of our daughter’s graduation this Friday?”
“Of course.”
Jinsol did not have a daughter. Not one that she remembered, anyway. The conversation she was hearing was not making sense. It could not be about her. She did not want to think about it, anyway. She was upset enough already.
“Thank you, Jungeun. Thank you for taking good care of her. I wish I could stay here, but it’s too hard for Chaewon. And I must admit it’s hard for me too.”
Jinsol heard wet noises, and that was when she knew she could not bear listening to this conversation anymore. She did not want to hear her wife suffer because of her. Because of something she could not help.
The good thing was, the next day, she would not remember any of these sad feelings.