Work Text:
Lin Jing could hardly believe his ears when he heard from Wang Zheng, who was told by Zhu Hong, who had overheard Da Qing yelling while Chu Shuzhi talked with Guo Changcheng that their boss had shamelessly run away with his boyfriend and abandoned the SID team. Immediately after the short phone call between Guo Changcheng and Zhao Yunlan, Chu Shuzhi had demanded that the former try calling their hero instead but, surprisingly, Professor Shen had hung up the phone! Zhao Yunlan had clearly corrupted the gentle professor—there was no way he’d willingly hang up on Guo Changcheng!
When the dignified Professor Shen came slinking back to the office early one morning a few days after the fated phone call with a coconut in hand and sporting boardshorts—what?—Chu Shuzhi made sure to tell him all about his garbage boyfriend and how much SID was mad with his sudden disappearance. Ever the diplomat, Shen Wei bowed and smiled gently, excusing Zhao Yunlan’s behaviour with empty words and gestures until the team’s teeth fell out from the overt sweetness. Grabbing a few things from Zhao’s office, Shen Wei bid them all farewell and vanished in a puff of smoke right in the middle of the room, leaving a small pile of white sand behind. Guo Changcheng wondered why the formidable Ghost Slayer even bothered with doors when clearly, he could just appear and disappear at will. Da Qing sniffed at the sand, catching a whiff of the ocean off of the small grains, and mumbled to himself that his shitty owner better bring back some high-grade sand like this for him to use in his kitty litter—that was the least he could do after his shameless abandonment!
After a few more days of radio silence, Zhu Hong had had enough of being ignored and stomped—or rather, slithered—around the floor of SID. As she pouted her bright red lips, her eyes narrowed into slits when she came to a halt in front of that bastard Zhao’s office.
“I’m going to skin him alive when he comes back,” she said out loud to the closed door.
“That’s if he comes back at all” added Lin Jing from behind his computer. “I seriously doubt it at this point.”
“M-maybe he’s on his way back right now as we speak” ventured Guo Changcheng, to which Chu Shuzhi shook his head out of pity for the dense boy.
“Our so-called boss is a slimy bastard—there's no two-ways about it” concluded Zhu Hong as she settled back down at her desk near the entrance. “I hope he gets eaten by a shark” she added as an afterthought, examining her long, painted nails.
Wang Zheng smiled gently at Zhu Hong in solidarity while poor Sang Zan struggled to understand what the fuss was about. Wang Zheng had explained as slowly as she could, but when her ghostly boyfriend had stared back at her with a blank expression, she had given up altogether.
One week after Zhu Hong’s outburst, the SID team was growing more and more restless as their boss’ phone line was still down, and the selfish rat was pointedly ignoring them. Guo Changcheng had been tasked with calling Zhao Yunlan once every hour until he picked up but so far, no dice. Every time he’d dial the number, the operator would answer immediately saying “the number you have reached is currently unavailable. Please try again later.”
“That’s it,” exclaimed Chu Shuzhi. “I’ve had enough! Since he’s clearly not coming back, we may as well just shut down the office and leave.”
The others all nodded in agreement, feeling that the man they called ‘boss’ was undeserving of the shiny plaque on his desk.
“Maybe we could do something else…” started Lin Jing, glasses glinting mysteriously.
Da Qing huffed and plopped his large bottom on Lin Jing’s keyboard. “Quit your airs and just tell us, oh great Buddha.”
“Hey!” exclaimed Lin Jing. “Get your fat ass off my computer!! God, I’ll be lucky if it still works after this” he said as he tried to shove the fat cat off his desk—but the cat was as immovable as a mountain and as dense as a black hole!
The poor keyboard let out small puffs of smoke and nearly died from the stress of having the cat sitting on it but was saved right in the nick of time when Guo Changcheng intervened and convinced Da Qing to move in exchange of dried fish.
“As I was saying…” started Lin Jing after verifying that his equipment still worked, “… we could just get rid of the boss completely. Like, we could move the SID to another address so that when he comes back, it’s only an empty building.”
Zhu Hong pondered for a moment before answering: “that’s not a bad idea, but where are we going to find the cash to move our operations elsewhere? That bastard squandered all of our money to buy himself a love nest near the university…”
The other members nodded in agreement as Wang Zheng dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief. Zhao Yunlan had made his teammates suffer greatly while he shamelessly pursued a dignified professor who was an expert at avoiding people.
“W-w-wi cud punch in the moan-y?” proposed Sang Zan having miraculously understood that part of the conversation.
“I think you mean ‘pitch in,’ Sang Zan” said Wang Zheng, patting him on the shoulder. “A for effort sweetie.”
“Y-yes, pitt-chin. Cat studdera, y-you ave moan-y” he added, causing everyone to turn in unison to stare at the cat.
“What? No, I don’t—hey, don’t look at me like that… I swear! I only have fish” said Da Qing, putting his plump paws up in front of him as Chu Shuzhi approached him, wringing his hands.
“You won’t mind if I check then, right?”
“CHU SHUZHI, DON’T YOU DARE COME ANY CLOSER!” Yelled out Da Qing as he thundered across the room to take refuge underneath the communal table, causing a few objects to fall off the shelves from the tremors. Da Qing definitely had a stash of cash carefully hidden away—he had lived 10 000 years after all—but he’d be damned if any of the (non)humans got their hands on his shiny coins.
Everyone shared a laugh at seeing the fat cat clearly visible and within reach beneath the table. For the sake of his engorged heart, though, they shifted their attention back to the question at hand.
“I don’t think we’ll have enough money to move, so maybe we should just change the locks on the front door and get rid of the boss’ things. That should do the trick” proposed Lin Jing.
“For once, you actually have a good idea, monk.” Replied Zhu Hong, appraising her colleague.
“I’ll have you know that I’m very smart, Miss Snakey. You know it’s thanks to me that your long-time, unrequited crush and his husband didn’t die, right?”
What little colouring Zhu Hong had drained completely from her face as rage contorted her features. “SAY THAT AGAIN YOU FAKE MONK!!” she yelled out as she sprung up from her chair, fully intending on choking Lin Jing to death with her hands.
“Ahhh! ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!’—Lao Chu, protect me!!” said Lin Jing as he hid behind the darkly clothed Zombie King.
Unfortunately for Lin Jing, Chu Shuzhi was on Zhu Hong’s side. That bastard Zhao had stolen his precious Ghost Slayer away from him! Everyone knew how much Lao Chu admired Shen Wei, and Zhao Yunlan had ruined it for him by putting his sticky paws all over Chu’s idol!
“Come on Hong jie, I’ll hold him, and you throttle him to your heart’s content” said Chu Shuzhi as he grabbed hold of the monk’s collar, pinning him in place.
“CAN YOU STOP MESSING AROUND? WE HAVE A MISSION TO ACCOMPLISH”
Everyone froze instantly—Da Qing beneath the table, Lin Jing struggling in Chu Shuzhi’s grip, and Zhu Hong half-straddling her desk, having regained her human legs—and turned towards the usually gentle Wang Zheng who had just violently scolded them. Feeling like school children being disciplined by their teacher, the four offending SID members quietly sat back down at their respective desks and remained silent.
“Now,” started Wang Zheng, hands on hips, “Xiao Guo, can you call a locksmith for this afternoon? The one in town will do.”
Guo Changcheng nodded enthusiastically, smart enough not to contradict the exasperated ghost. “Wang jiejie, I’ll call him right away.”
****************
On a sandy white beach, beneath the midday sun.
“Ah, Xiao Wei, isn’t this the best idea ever?”
“A-Lan… we really should go back soon. SID can’t run without you, and I have exams to grade for the university—”
“Shhh, don’t ruin the scenery with work-talk. Why don’t you put that brain of yours to better use instead and give your daddy a nice massage?”
“…”
Shen Wei remained speechless for a while, the silence interrupted by seagulls squawking in the distance.
“… I’m joking” broke in Zhao Yunlan, feeling a chill emanating from Shen Wei’s body. “Ok but honestly, you have to admit that this is pretty great.”
“… I guess so” replied Shen Wei a bit indifferently. “It doesn’t matter where we are; as long as I’m with you, I’m happy.”
Zhao Yunlan’s heart fluttered at Shen Wei’s words and he grinned widely at his better half. No matter the situation, Shen Wei always knew what to say to make all his problems melt away. Truth be told, he was worried about his coworkers, especially the dead cat, which is why he had asked Shen Wei to pop into the office. He had been diligent and had looked over the files that Shen had brought back, but he couldn’t help but be selfish for a bit longer now that Shen Wei—tacitly—approved.
“Baobeiiii” drawled out Zhao. “What say you we go for a swim again, hm? We can do something that you want to do after…”
Shen Wei raised an inquisitive eyebrow and, rising from his lounging chair, strode off towards the sea with a decisive pace. “Well come on, then” he called out when Zhao didn’t move.
“Eh? Wait for me, great beauty!”
****************
SID headquarters, midday.
An hour after Guo Changcheng had placed the call, the village locksmith had come to the SID office located at 9 University road and had successfully changed the front lock and, just for extra security, had even added another deadbolt to the door.
No one would be able to enter the building now—that is, unless they had the key.
Everyone agreed that Lao Chu should keep the key because let’s face it, it was clear that no one was going to fight him for it. Putting the only key on a string and wearing it around his neck, Chu Shuzhi promised his teammates that if their unfilial boss turned up on their doorstep, he would never concede to let him in.
As Wang Zheng and Sang Zan busied themselves with the task of emptying out Zhao’s office, Lin Jing brought up the excellent point that doors and locks were completely useless against immortal beings who could appear anywhere at any time, so he proposed to lock down the air space inside the building with talismans to prevent apparitions.
Chu Shuzhi agreed and, along with Lin Jing, the two worked on writing and sticking talismans all over the office, doors, and windows, making sure that not even a mouse could come in without their knowledge. Once that was done, Guo Changcheng was used as a guinea pig to test out the new security system. Since Xiao Guo was immortal in his own right, he was the perfect victim for this experiment.
“Chu ge, I think it’s fine without testing…” started Guo Changcheng nervously.
“Xiao Guo, just try to break in so that we can see what happens.” Replied Lin Jing, clearly trying to convince his junior.
“B-but, it’s so scary!! Lin ge, your and Chu ge’s talismans are definitely strong enough…”
“Alright, never mind.” Interjected Chu Shuzhi, unable to stomach Guo Changcheng’s snivelling. “Lin Jing, you go instead.”
“What?? Are you crazy? What if I get electrocuted? Or worse, annihilated?”
Guo jumped nervously at that last comment. “Lin ge, you were going to send me to my death? Chu geeee~!” cried Guo Changcheng who immediately sought refuge by Chu Shuzhi’s side.
“Will you shut up, you dumbass? You’re scaring the kid” replied Chu angrily, wrapping his arms around Guo Changcheng. “Shh it’s okay, Chu ge won’t let anything bad happen to you.”
Guo snivelled and nodded in his gege’s arms while Lin Jing barfed into a nearby trash can. “Ew, Lao Chu, gross.”
Chu Shuzhi glared at Lin Jing from over Guo’s head, still hugging the other tightly, and Lin Jing felt a deadly aura waft through the air and hit him square in the chest. Laughing it off, Lin Jing subtlely took out his prayer beads and muttered a few sutras to clear out the sudden evil miasma from the office.
“Erm, well, anyway, let’s just assume it works. Besides, I think the Ghost Slayer could probably very easily destroy our charms if he really wanted to” concluded Lin Jing.
“Well, regardless of Shen Wei,” added Zhu Hong who walked into the main room carrying a box labelled ‘Zhao’s Junk,’ “that old fart won’t be able to come back to work. Xiao Zheng and Xiao Zan finished emptying out the hell hole he called an office.”
Guo Changcheng, who had stopped his crying, was shocked by his coworkers’ heartless attitude. Zhao Yunlan might have abandoned them in favour of a bit of fun in the sun, but he was still their saviour in every sense of the word! However, where Xiao Guo’s heart shined pure and white, his coworkers were all black-hearted bastards who had no qualms about kicking out their boss from his own office.
Before Guo Changcheng could voice his concerns, Chu Shuzhi and Lin Jing walked past him—carrying Zhao Yunlan’s desk out of SID! Sang Zan kept the door open for the two to take the heavy wooden desk outside and leave it on the sidewalk. Zhu Hong soon followed the pair outside and placed on the discarded desk a large white sign with painted bold black letters that read ‘TRASH.’
Guo Changcheng felt a heavy bead of sweat roll down his back…
****************
Somewhere 35 000 feet above the pacific ocean.
Zhao Yunlan sneezed loudly next to Shen Wei who was quietly reading a magazine on their flight back home. Worried, Shen Wei took out a pocket hanky and wiped at Zhao Yunlan’s runny nose like a child, feeling his forehead with the tender skin of his inner wrist.
“A-Lan, did you catch a cold? I told you we shouldn’t stay out too long by the beach. The air gets cold at night.”
“Impossible, how can I be sick? I’m a G O D now, remember?”
“…”
Shen Wei all but heard the sparkles around the individually enunciated letters and simply gave his boyfriend a look that meant stop while you’re ahead.
“Ha ha… I mean, no, honey, I didn’t catch anything. It’s probably just a bit of dust or something.”
Shen Wei nodded, knowing that Zhao Yunlan was right, but still ordered a warm cup of tea with a squeeze of lemon from the cabin crew and forced it into Zhao Yunlan’s unwilling hands.
“Baobei, you’re fussing again,” remarked Zhao Yunlan, shamelessly pointing out the obvious.
“That’s because I—” Shen Wei cut himself off, feeling the heat rise to his face and unable to continue.
“Yes?” Prompted Zhao. “You…?”
“Because I … I love you” he mumbled out, his ears flaring up bright red.
Zhao Yunlan giggled like a teenage boy in his seat and, taking Shen Wei’s hand in his own, interlocking their fingers, happily drank his tea and looked forward to going back home with the love of his (eternal) life.
****************
SID headquarters, evening.
Zhao Yunlan stretched out his lean body after stepping out of the taxi while Shen Wei unloaded their luggage from the trunk. The flight had been long, uncomfortable, and noisy, and Zhao Yunlan was happy to be home at last. They had been gone for two weeks, but it felt like an eternity when away from his friends.
“Why didn’t you just let me fast-travel us back here? There was no need to be cramped on a plane for so long…” said Shen Wei as he wheeled his and Zhao's suitcase out of the street and onto the sidewalk.
“No way, what’s the fun in that? Even though we’re immortal now, that doesn’t mean that we have to stop acting human. I, for one, enjoy the toil and common struggles of my mortal comrades.”
Shen Wei shook his head, bewildered by the nonsense that poured out of Zhao Yunlan’s mouth like an ever-flowing river of garbage. Speaking of garbage, Shen Wei immediately recognized the dark lump on the sidewalk as Zhao’s old desk. Approaching the discarded object, Shen Wei pointed to it in silence.
“TRASH… It says trash.” Read Zhao Yunlan. His mind took a minute to register the word, and then he exploded with unrestrained anger. “Those bastards!! They threw out my desk?? How dare they—!”
Shen Wei tried to calm him down with hushed words, but Zhao Yunlan saw red everywhere. Marching up to the front door, Zhao Yunlan yanked on the door handle, fully expecting it to swing open, but found that the darn thing wouldn’t budge! Angrier still, Zhao Yunlan put his foot to the base of the door to brace himself as he pulled… still nothing!
“Shen Wei, hand me your key, please.” He asked, not taking his eyes from the offending door.
Shen Wei fished out his spare from his briefcase and handed it to Zhao, who tried it in the lock, but to no avail.
“Looks like they changed the lock…” ventured Shen Wei. “Let me try, I’ll check inside to see what’s going on.”
Zhao Yunlan huffed angrily, kicking at the door with his booted foot while Shen Wei prepared himself to appear inside the building. A swirl of dark smoke enveloped the Ghost Slayer but, unlike usual, he didn’t move an inch from his spot on the sidewalk. Zhao stared at him, bewildered.
“… they’ve blocked teleportation with charms, it would seem,” said Shen Wei, sheepishly. “I can breakthrough, but it’ll take a while.”
“Urg, never mind. I’ll just call Xiao Guo. He’ll open the door for us” replied Zhao as he speed-dialled his faithful assistant.
Dring, dring, dring. *click*
“Xiao Guo—”
“The number you have reached is currently unavailable. Please try again later.”
“…”
“…”
“DAMNIT!” exclaimed Zhao Yunlan, stuffing the useless cellphone into his front pocket. “WHAT IS THIS?!? IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR CHIEF??” Yelled out Zhao at the tightly closed door.
Just as he was about to abandon completely, the impassible door finally opened wide to let Chu Shuzhi, Lin Jing, and Zhu Hong stand in its doorway.
“Did you guys hear anything?” Asked Chu Shuzhi to his colleagues. “I could have sworn I heard something out here.”
“Mm, I thought so too, Lao Chu. I guess we imagined things” answered Zhu Hong who stared directly at Zhao Yunlan—standing a mere foot away from the stoop!
“Alright guys, you got me. Now let us in, please. We’re really tired and we’d like to come in and relax IN OUR OWN HOME” let out the frustrated SID chief.
“Oh? What’s that I hear…? A dog barking?” asked Lin Jing, narrowly avoiding a wallop from Zhao.
Shen Wei, who had been silent until then, decided to try his luck in a more diplomatic way. “Chu Shuzhi” he said, addressing the Zombie King. “Can you let us in, please? I know you’re a reasonable man. I’m sure we can talk this over inside rather than on the sidewalk.”
Zhu Hong and Lin Jing watched, completely horrified, as Chu Shuzhi’s resolve instantly melted away as soon as his idol addressed him. Damn fanboy!! They cursed him in their minds. Zhu Hong very nearly planted her nails in his arm to bring him back to his senses, but how could she ever compete with the gently smiling professor on the curb? The man had all but a halo around his head and a pair of wings for Chu Shuzhi to drool over.
Unable to resist his hero, Lao Chu offered the one and only key to Shen Wei, ignoring Lin Jing’s cries and Zhu Hong’s protests. All of their hard work had been undone by a few pretty words! Disgusted by Chu Shuzhi’s lack of strength in the face of the enemy, the two gave up and retreated back into the office, hands in the air yelling “well, it’s all over now!”
Zhao Yunlan proudly waltzed into his building with Shen Wei by his side, ignoring all the dirty looks and glares coming from everyone else inside the room. Beelining for his favourite spot on the couch, Zhao plopped down and sighed happily at the joy of being back home. Vacations were fun and all, but nothing could beat the feeling of being around one’s family—even the bickering kind.
“Guo Changcheng” called out Zhao, “you better have a damn good reason for not picking up my call earlier.”
Poor Xiao Guo! Unbeknownst to Zhao, the others had pounced on him to hold him down while his phone rang, keeping him from answering his boss!
“And Lin Jing, prepare to have your bonus deducted this month—and the next.” Added Zhao Yunlan, ignoring the monk’s whining.
“Lao Zhaooo” cooed Zhu Hong, settling herself on the sofa next to the boss. “Did you enjoy your holiday?” She asked innocently.
“Ah? What’s this, trying to suck up to the boss now that I’ve caught you red-handed trying to get rid of me?”
“Hmph!” She let out, dropping all pretences. “You totally deserved it. How could you just up and leave us! Do you know how many times your dad called?”
“Old Zhao…? Damn” replied Zhao Yunlan, slightly panicked. “Shen Wei, let’s go before he gets here and kills me.”
“No one can hurt you while I’m here, Yunlan” replied Shen Wei with a seriousness that didn’t match Zhao’s casual words.
“Er… haha, thanks baobei,” answered Zhao Yunlan, squeezing Shen Wei’s hand in his own.
“Ack, GROSS!” exclaimed Zhu Hong, visibly repulsed by the two’s honeyed words. “Just get out of here already. You’re making me want to hurl my lunch.”
Zhao Yunlan pulled his tongue at the snake, ducking low to avoid the incoming projectile that left her hand. Getting up from the couch with Shen Wei in tow, Zhao Yunlan confidently marched up to his office only to find it… empty?!?
“DA QING!” bellowed Zhao, arms crossed.
The ancient black ball of fur appeared at his feet, looking up at him innocently with wide round eyes. “Lao Zhao, listen to me. We… erm… emptied your office so that we could… repaint it. Yes, repaint it.” He said, clearly lying.
“Repaint, eh? That’s not a bad idea, dead cat.” Turning on his heels to face his colleagues, he added: “I expect all of my things to be back in my office by tomorrow morning, in the exact place that they were before I left.”
The office grumbled collectively but agreed nonetheless. What else could they do? The boss was clearly back in his rightful place and happy to throw his weight around again.
“Oh and, about the paint, make it green this time. I’ve developed an affinity for it these days.” He added before snaking an arm around Shen Wei’s waist and leaving his team fuming.
When Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei set foot on the stoop, their good humour was dashed by the presence of a giant collection truck parked right in front of the building. Its garish lights flashed incessantly and illuminated the scene ahead: Zhao Yunlan’s precious desk was half lifted into the truck, the white sign reading ‘TRASH’ dangling off the side of the curb.
“WAIT!” yelled out Zhao Yunlan, desperate to get his item back, but it was too late—his desk was now dearly departed into the afterlife of unwanted objects. Zhao Yunlan watched in shock as the truck drove away, leaving him standing heartbroken on the sidewalk.
Zhao Yunlan took a minute to collect himself before marching back inside the SID office. “LIN JING, TRACK THAT TRUCK RIGHT NOW.”
“WHAT?” answered Lin Jing, bewildered. “Lao Zhao…”
“SHUT UP AND DO IT.”
Sighing, Lin Jing diligently typed away at his computer, expertly hacking into the city’s GPS system and following the truck’s route across town. “There it is. Now what do we do?”
“Now, Chu Shuzhi can run after it and get my desk back.”
“You’ve got to be kid—”
“DO I LOOK LIKE I’M KIDDING?” answered Zhao, to which the whole office cowered in response. “Shen Wei gave me that desk and I WANT IT BACK.”
Realizing their terrible mistake, the whole SID team stood in a line in front of their chief, heads hanging low and feeling incredibly apologetic.
“Chief Zhao,” started Guo Changcheng, eyes brimming with tears. “We didn’t plan for this to happen, we only wanted to prank you. I’m really sorry, Chief” he said with a trembling voice.
Feeling equally guilty, Chu Shuzhi stepped forward and, wrapping a consoling arm around Guo Changcheng, added: “don’t blame Xiao Guo, Lao Zhao. He was the only one who resisted this whole plan.”
Meanwhile Sang Zan, who had understood snippets of the conversation and felt the gravity of the situation, helpfully offered some wise advice: “Zhao studdera, w-wi cud bai nu one wit cat studdera’s moan-y?”
“…”
“MEOW!” Roared Da Qing in response, insulted beyond words.
Wang Zheng smacked her boyfriend behind the head and bent down to console the cat on the floor who was crying his eyes out. “It’s okay little one,” she said in a soothing tone, “Chief Zhao won’t do that to you.”
“Chief Zhao, we really didn’t mean to…” started up Guo Changcheng again with renewed snivelling.
Zhao Yunlan paced up in down in front of his crew for a while before settling with a response. “Whatever, I don’t care who did what, but find my desk!”
Somewhat relieved, the team set out in the streets to run after the truck and find the precious artifact that they had treated haphazardly. When everyone had left and only Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei remained, the two sat on the beat-up leather couch, Zhao Yunlan laughing hysterically.
“Yunlan, I didn’t give you that desk,” said Shen Wei, frowning at his boyfriend’s methods.
“I- ha ha, I know, ha!” laughed out Zhao Yunlan, holding back tears. “Serves them right, though. Did you see how they panicked? That was priceless.”
“A-Lan…”
“I know, I know. I’ll apologize later. Didn’t I buy them souvenirs during our trip? They’ll be okay after I give them a raise and a pat on the back for having saved my one-of-a-kind, Shen Wei certified desk.”
Holding his tongue and shaking his head in dismay, Shen Wei stifled a laugh and, in a rare moment of affection, raked his fingers through Zhao Yunlan’s messy hair. “Maybe going away on holiday is not such a bad thing after all, A-Lan. You’ve grown closer to your team.”
“Mm,” agreed Zhao, leaning into Shen Wei’s touch. “We might have to leave them ever so often—just to keep them on their toes.”
The pair laughed softly together, snuggled on the couch, patiently waiting for their little family’s return from their mission and promising themselves that, next time, they would go on a holiday all together as the SID team.
-The End-