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Shen Wei could hardly believe that he had managed to live undisturbed for a millennium and yet, all of a sudden, he found himself face to face with the one person he could never resist: Kunlun—or rather, ‘Zhao Yunlan’ as he was called in this earthly form. Despite his best efforts, Shen Wei found himself gravitating to where the young SID leader was, silently watching over him and protecting him from the shadows. Shen Wei was used to being invisible—he had spent most of his lifetime in hiding to avoid bumping into Kunlun’s reincarnations—but something about Zhao Yunlan had pulled him in completely and placed them both in a precarious situation. Shen Wei suspected that the smart Guardian knew that their frequent meetings were not merely as accidental as they seemed, and that Shen Wei wasn’t as indifferent to him as he pretended to be.
On one particular evening, Shen Wei had skulked in the dark, following Zhao Yunlan from a safe distance and, when Zhao Yunlan had found him out, he had played it off as a coincidence. Zhao Yunlan being none the wiser had happily invited him to go to his apartment after a wolfish dinner at a nearby food stall. Unfortunately for Shen Wei, this had all been too much for him to handle when they had moved to a more private environment, and he had point-blank run away from Zhao Yunlan’s advances, undoubtedly injuring the other’s feelings in the process.
Shen Wei had felt guilty for his childish behaviour, so he had come back to Zhao Yunlan’s apartment the following morning after having spent the night walking the streets, weighing his options. When Zhao Yunlan had opened the door, dishevelled and barefooted, Shen Wei had felt like the world had exploded in his ears and he had used all of his strength to resist the urge to throw himself onto the other man and claim him as his own right then and there.
By a pure miracle, Shen Wei had let himself be convinced by Zhao Yunlan to stay for the day, which then transformed into an evening, at which point the latter had proposed they watch a movie together. Shen Wei could tell that the Guardian was doing his utmost to keep him in his apartment for as long as possible, but he found himself unable to resist the man’s obvious antics.
To Shen Wei, Zhao Yunlan was like a beautiful, dancing flame right within his reach. If he would only outstretch his fingers, he could touch the warmth that he had longed for for so long, but he knew that fire burned hot and that he would end up blistered by the brilliant light. How could a creature of darkness such as himself ever hope to caress a shining flame? This was why Shen Wei could never allow himself to come too close to Zhao Yunlan; he feared the life-giving light more than death itself.
“Just pick what you like! I’ll go make some popcorn” said Zhao Yunlan, pulling Shen Wei’s attention back to the here and now—to the grounding feeling of the couch beneath him and the smells and sounds of Zhao Yunlan’s home.
Shen Wei had no idea what to pick, let alone what a ‘DVD’ was, so he gave a tortured look to the other man. Zhao Yunlan smiled innocently before vanishing into the kitchen, leaving Shen Wei to fend for himself. Shuffling through the pile, Shen Wei read the titles of the movies without paying much attention, his senses preoccupied with the comings and goings of Zhao Yunlan in the kitchen instead. Shen Wei closed his eyes and savoured the sound of Zhao Yunlan’s happy whistling as he opened cupboards and moved varied items around. This particular music was more beautiful to Shen Wei’s ears than any of the sounds he had heard in his long life. The noise of the kettle reached his ears, cutting off the gentle stream of Zhao Yunlan’s sound and forcing him to open his eyes once more to resume his examination of the objects set before him.
For a second, Shen Wei considered calling out to Zhao Yunlan to say he was leaving, giving the other a bogus excuse for his inability to stay in the same room as him for more than five minutes. Shen Wei was used to being in control, and right now he was anything but. His heart had been racing all day and, now that the sun was dipping low and dusk was settling in, it all felt too ‘homey’ for him to withstand. He could deal with Zhao Yunlan’s presence when bumping into him at the university, or at the hospital, but here, in this intimate setting, things were much harder to deal with. If only he could hold him like he had dreamt so many times of doing—
Shen Wei’s thoughts were suddenly disturbed by the smell of something burning and the ear-piercing cry of the overboiled kettle. Smiling to himself, he realised just how hopeless Zhao Yunlan really was and was touched by this sweet gesture for his sake. Shen Wei heard Zhao Yunlan’s consecutive swears and, worried, decided to take a peek in the kitchen to make sure the other was still in one piece.
“Zhao Yunlan? Are you alright?” He asked, concern creeping into his voice when he saw the spilt scalding water and the smoking bag of—whatever that was.
Zhao Yunlan put on a silly smile and answered with a wave of the hand. “I just… overcooked it a bit. It’s fine! Help me bring the tea over to the living room? I’ll be done in a minute” he added, pointing to a tray with two cups and a teapot sitting haphazardly on top.
Shen Wei briefly considered the odd object in Zhao Yunlan’s hands but changed his mind and did as he was told instead. Making his way back to the living room, Shen Wei heard Zhao Yunlan’s deep sigh and could easily imagine him shaking his head at himself. Placing the tea tray on the coffee table, Shen Wei resumed his previous task of ‘choosing a movie’ and approached the strange black box with flashing lights beneath the television set.
After a little while longer than normal, Shen Wei couldn’t help but express concern once more. “Zhao Yunlan? Is something wrong?” he asked to an empty room.
“Ah… Coming, coming!” declared Zhao Yunlan, suddenly appearing in front of Shen Wei with a large bowl in hand.
Zhao Yunlan bit his lips to keep from laughing when he saw Shen Wei crouching by the DVD player, staring at it as though it were a dangerous wild animal. Bending down to his level, Zhao Yunlan placed a tentative hand on his shoulder, causing Shen Wei to inadvertently tense up.
“… I couldn’t get it to work” he said, staring at the offending black object. “Perhaps it’s broken?” he added, suddenly worried that he was responsible for the thing’s demise.
Zhao Yunlan stared at him with unconcealed amusement and affection. “It’s upside down,” he said gently, flipping the machine over and placing it back into its slot underneath the television. “Don’t worry, I get confused too.”
“… sorry” answered Shen Wei, feeling the heat creep up his neck. He could tell that Zhao Yunlan didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but he was clearly an idiot when it came to modern devices. “I’m… not very good with these things. My assistant usually handles anything remotely related to technology” he explained, trying to lessen the damage to his ego in front of Zhao Yunlan.
“That’s fine, I’ll show you” replied Zhao Yunlan with—a twinge of jealousy in his tone? Surely, Shen Wei had imagined that shift in his voice… right?
“So, what are you in the mood for? Any preferences in genre?”
Shen Wei blinked back his earlier thought. “I’m not sure. I’ve never really watched a movie before.”
“Is that so…?” Mused Zhao Yunlan. “Well, we have to do something about that, don’t we?”
Shen Wei smiled shyly, secretly pleased by Zhao Yunlan’s attention and desire to help him overcome his fears and problems. While Shen Wei basked in the afterglow of Zhao Yunlan’s words, the other rifled through the pile of DVDs, finally settling on one in particular.
“Alright,” he started, “so I’m a fan of horror movies myself, but let me know if it’s too scary and we’ll choose something else, okay?”
Shen Wei slapped on an impassive face, trying to avoid selling himself out by replying that, actually, nothing in this world could scare the great Ghost Slayer for whom Hell rolled over itself to let him pass. For Zhao Yunlan’s sake, though, he replied a meek “alright” as the two settled on the couch.
Unable to restrain his disapproval, Shen Wei visibly frowned when Zhao Yunlan put his feet up on the coffee table. It wasn’t his fault, really; Shen Wei was used to an immaculate lifestyle and Zhao Yunlan’s relaxed attitude and blatant lack of propriety always managed to throw him for a loop. Probably sensing his discomfort, Zhao Yunlan proceeded to obediently bring his feet back down, followed by a conscious effort to sit straighter on the couch instead of his previous comfortable slouch.
“You don’t have to be so tense, Professor” mumbled Zhao Yunlan. “I’m not gonna do anything to you.”
Shen Wei, who had half noticed the opening credits of the movie, blushed a violent crimson, running a finger beneath his tightly buttoned collar. The otherwise gentle professor was happy that the dim light in the living room hid his flush from prying eyes, especially when his mind ran a hundred miles ahead of himself, thinking of the implication behind Zhao Yunlan’s words. Oh, if only he knew just how much he wanted him, so badly, but his otherworldly duty pulled him back to reality as his heart threatened to abandon his chest cavity completely and plunge into his heels instead.
Distracted and inattentive, Shen Wei ignored the rolling images on the screen and focused his mind on calming the blood in his veins, when he heard Zhao Yunlan’s soft “ow” from next to him. Turning to look at him, Shen Wei saw the reddened fingertips and, despite his better judgement, instinctively reached out and captured the injured hand in his own, holding it as delicately as a small bird.
“Zhao Yunlan… You’re hurt…” he said, biting back a “because of me” at the end of his sentence.
Before the rational part of his brain could tell him to stop, he gently lifted Zhao Yunlan’s hand close to his mouth, hovering an inch above the skin and blowing softly to cool the burning sensation. Enthralled by Zhao Yunlan’s soft pale hand, his long fingers and pinkish knuckles, he failed to notice how strangely inappropriate—and intimate—this sudden attentiveness was. If it had been up to him, Shen Wei would have scooped up the injured Zhao Yunlan into his arms, doing everything in his power to take the pain away, but logically he knew that Zhao Yunlan would be fine even without his intervention.
Beyond his control, Zhao Yunlan retracted his hand from his, and Shen Wei instantly mourned the loss of contact as Zhao Yunlan’s warm fingers slipped away.
“It feels much better now, thanks,” said Zhao Yunlan, covering his embarrassment. “… erm. Popcorn?” he offered, hoping to dispel the tense atmosphere.
“That doesn’t look very healthy” replied Shen Wei, giving the bowl a look of disdain.
“Actually, you’re not wrong…” laughed Zhao Yunlan, giving Shen Wei a belly-flopping smile that echoed all the way down his body and into his very soul. “But it’s really good! Try it for me, just this once?”
Zhao Yunlan could have asked Shen Wei to kiss his feet and he would have done it without a second of hesitation. Eating a piece of burnt popcorn was nothing compared to what Shen Wei was willing to do—compared to what he had already done. If roaming the Earth on his own for over five thousand years culminated in him eating a greasy snack, he would gladly scarf down the whole darn thing. Shen Wei could do anything for… Yunlan.
“It’s… not bad, once you get used to the burnt aftertaste” concluded Shen Wei, much to Zhao Yunlan’s relief.
“Yeah, it’s not supposed to taste like that.” Replied Zhao Yunlan through crystalline laughter, causing Shen Wei’s stomach to drop for the second time within the space of a few minutes.
Deciding to shift his focus from the man next to him to the screen up ahead, Shen Wei appeared engrossed in the horror movie, but his mind reeled. Where his body remained still as stone, his brain couldn’t stop the narrative that ran through it at top speed. Even though he was an incredibly strong being who had lived through life and death countless times, it took all of his strength to convince his hands to stay firmly planted on his legs, and his eyes glued to the screen rather than roaming Zhao Yunlan’s face. There was a limit to how much psychological torture one person could submit themselves to, and Shen Wei was nearing his breaking point.
Shen Wei felt the weight of his necklace as it glowed softly beneath his white dress shirt. The small object seemingly weighted down on his neck like a painful reminder of why he couldn’t leave himself to abandon and let his body take control of the situation instead of his mind. Shen Wei felt Zhao Yunlan’s gaze on him, but refused to reciprocate, knowing full-well that if he turned his head in that moment, he wouldn’t be able to control himself any longer. Just as he allowed himself to imagine briefly how Zhao Yunlan’s fingers would feel against his skin, picking up the glowing orb around his neck, he saw from the corner of his eye how the other shivered next to him.
“Are you cold?” he asked despite the obvious answer.
Zhao Yunlan sat close enough to reach over and touch him, hugging himself to fend off the cold of the growing night. Happy for the distraction, Shen Wei got up from his spot on the couch and disappeared into Zhao Yunlan’s bedroom in search of something to warm him up with. Shen Wei gave the messy room a cursory glance, thinking that he should clean it up a bit, but decided against it when he remembered Zhao Yunlan alone and cold in the living room. Grabbing a discarded blanket, Shen Wei patted it down and folded it neatly into an exact square. Walking back into the living room, Shen Wei made for the couch and, draping the blanket over Zhao Yunlan’s legs, resisted the urge to run his hands along his thin thighs and—
Shaking his head clear and breathing in deeply, Shen Wei settled himself back down onto his side of the couch, struggling more than ever.
“So… Do you wanna share?” ask Zhao Yunlan as innocently as he could, punctuating the electrified air with an off-handed comment.
The Ghost Slayer never felt cold—nor hot, for that matter—but he nevertheless accepted Zhao Yunlan’s offer, taking a risk and moving a little bit closer to him on the couch. If Shen Wei survived this night, he promised himself he would go to a temple in the morning and pray to all the ancestral gods for the inner strength they had blessed him with.
Ignoring the obvious tension between them, Shen Wei and his host focused on the movie, having already missed more than half of it anyway. Zhao Yunlan kept his mouth occupied with the burnt popcorn in the bowl, which Shen Wei was immensely grateful for—although, the greasy sheen on Zhao Yunlan’s fingers and lips had Shen Wei’s mouth watering for a whole other reason.
Oblivious to the movie once more and completely distracted, Shen Wei jumped in his seat when the actress on screen screamed incredibly loudly. Zhao Yunlan’s bowl clattered to the ground as he also jumped out of his skin, surprised by the sudden loudness of the television.
“Where’s that cursed—” said Zhao Yunlan as he visibly panicked, covered in popcorn kernels and entangled in the blanket.
Shen Wei plugged his ears against the onslaught of screams on screen, looking to Zhao Yunlan for a source of relief. Shen Wei wasn’t afraid of the happenings on screen, but the sudden loud noise had shocked him back to reality and away from his spinning thoughts.
Through the incessant noise of the woman screaming, the murderer stabbing her, and the background music blazing, Shen Wei heard Zhao Yunlan shouting: “Professor Shen! Have you seen the remote controller?”
Confused as to what a ‘remote controller’ was, Shen Wei simply stared blankly as Zhao Yunlan, slightly exasperated, mimed the shape of the object with his fingers.
“The little rectangular thingy that… that… ah, found it!” said Zhao Yunlan, jabbing at the remote to turn the volume down and pause the movie altogether.
Zhao Yunlan huffed, relishing in the silence, and turned to Shen Wei to check on him. The two shared a look and laughed conspiratorially at the silliness of the situation. Shen Wei hadn’t laughed so much in a long time—in fact, he couldn’t remember the last time his ribs had ached from laughter. Looking to Zhao Yunlan’s tear-streaked face, he felt the warmth of companionship fill his heart. Feeling buoyant, Shen Wei half-stood from his seat.
“I’ll clean it up—” he offered out of habit.
Alarmed, Zhao Yunlan grabbed hold of his shoulders and pushed him gently back onto the couch. “No! Leave it. Stay here with me.” He proposed instead.
Flinching against his will, Shen Wei obeyed Zhao Yunlan and sat docilely on the couch. Sensing the increasing awkwardness, he said: “I really should—”
“… stay” finished Zhao Yunlan for him, softly but firmly.
Unable to resist him, Shen Wei resigned himself to his fate and remained seated. When Zhao Yunlan scooted closer and pressed their thighs together beneath the blanket, Shen Wei all but lost his mind and very nearly bolted from the couch and out the door.
“I haven’t really been paying attention to the movie” declared Zhao Yunlan.
Shen Wei automatically replied “me neither” before cursing himself for his outburst of honesty.
“Let’s just forget about it then. It’s not really that great a movie, if you ask me. No one will know.”
Shen Wei replied to Zhao Yunlan’s smile in kind, causing mild shock to cross briefly the Guardian’s features. As a response, Zhao Yunlan grabbed a nearby cushion and, placing it behind his head, closed his eyes and stated matter-of-factly: “I’m tired. Nap with me.”
Against his better judgement, Shen Wei acquiesced by staying put on the couch as Zhao Yunlan slowly drowsed off next to him. Once he was sure he was fast asleep, Shen Wei carefully gathered the warm blanket and tucked it all around Zhao Yunlan’s wispy body, making sure to bring the edge of the blanket right up to his chin. Shen Wei busied himself for a while with the task of cleaning the mess of grease and forgotten kernels on the living room floor and, once he was satisfied with his work, he returned to sit next to Zhao Yunlan.
For a long while, Shen Wei remained as still and impassable as a mountain, simply staring at Zhao Yunlan’s sleeping face. Gathering his courage, he grazed the other’s hair with the very edge of his fingertips, not daring to press any harder. Feeling the warmth radiating from his skin was enough for Shen Wei to feel satisfied for another millennium. Shen Wei wasn’t delusional: he knew that the feelings he harboured and carried within the deepest recesses of his soul were much too overwhelming for the frail human named Zhao Yunlan, but he couldn’t help his innate attraction to his beautiful, timeless soul.
Shen Wei’s heart ached as thousands of years of feelings and repression crashed down on him along with the crushing darkness of the night around them. His fingers stayed unmoving as lightly as dragonflies along the side of Zhao Yunlan’s forehead, and Shen Wei felt like a supernova had exploded in between them, dragging him down into a spiral that he wasn’t ready to face yet.
What if he lost him… again?
The thought alone made Shen Wei taste bile in his mouth as a primaeval fear gripped him completely. The push and pull was driving him crazy—he wanted to crash his lips onto Zhao Yunlan’s, devouring every morsel of him and leaving nothing behind—but his fear of hurting him was greater still and, regretfully, Shen Wei pulled back from his would-be lover, definitely putting distance between their hearts this time.
“You’re leaving already?” said Zhao Yunlan, sounding choked up as Shen Wei retreated.
“It’s quite late, actually… I should get going.” Replied Shen Wei as stoically as he could.
“Oh, okay” Said Zhao Yunlan, beyond trying to hide his feelings.
Rising from the warm nest on the couch, Zhao Yunlan accompanied the professor to the door, clearly disappointed by his departure.
“I’ll see you around?” he asked shyly by the door.
Shen Wei didn’t trust his voice to come out steadily, so he settled for a small smile instead. He couldn’t predict what the future held for him, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to resist his desires forever. However, the magnitude of his feelings was too heavy for a mortal man to support, and Shen Wei feared losing Zhao Yunlan much more than never having him.
When the door closed behind him, Shen Wei remained a little while longer in the hallway, listening to the movements inside the apartment. He heard Zhao Yunlan move back deeper inside the room and took that as his cue to leave before his resolve melted away.
There would be other moments; there would be more opportunities. Shen Wei had an eternity to spend, and he didn’t mind if part of that time were filled with the presence of a certain unkept mortal.
- The End -