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Shiro awoke with a scream on his lips and sweat on his forehead. His eyes skipped around the room, trying to figure out where he was, but he couldn’t pinpoint anything in the dark; only shadows that morphed and changed every time he looked at them.
Fingers on his arm caused Shiro to jerk away.
“Shh, it’s okay,” a soft voice reached him, while the warm touch vanished again. “You’re safe; we’re home.”
The loud whoosh in his ears muffled the words, but Shiro would recognize the voice anywhere. Whereas it usually calmed him and made him happy, this time it failed. Shiro’s hand gripped his shirt as if this could hold together the beating heart in his chest that was about to shatter under the weight of memories and imagination.
The voice was there again, but his shaking breath was all Shiro could hear. When he looked down at his hands, they were covered in blood.
“No…no, I didn’t want to..! It wasn’t me..!”
“-iro. Can you hear me? Shiro, I’m going to touch you, okay?”
Another pair of hands slowly moved into his field of vision. They took his hands and squeezed them.
“You’re not there anymore. You’re not hurting anybody. Breath with me.” The voice was calm and steady.
A faint nod, and he squeezed the hands back, following the breathing instructions that Keith gave him. The trembling receded until it stopped.
Shiro licked his lips; he started to feel dizzy. When he turned, he saw the black shock of hair together with a welcoming smile.
“Better?”
Again a silent confirmation.
Keith carefully placed his hands on both sides of Shiro’s face. “You’re safe here, nothing will happen to you - and you’re not hurting anybody.”
Shiro closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. The warmth and scent of his lover grounded him further. “Thank you.” His voice was rough and thin.
“Always. Here, drink something.”
Shiro took the glass of water to take a big gulp and breathed deeply afterward. Looking back at Keith, he rose his hand to stroke over the faint scar that cut through the skin.
“This wasn’t you. You were not yourself back then,” Keith whispered and took the hand to kiss the palm. “I wear it with pride. It shows me every day what we went through and survived. Together.”
Shiro’s heart grew with all the love that radiated from Keith. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” Keith smiled and leaned forward for a kiss. “Come on, let’s go for a walk with the space wolf.”
“No, no. It’s in the middle of the night, and we should sleep.”
“Yeah, but you don’t look like you could,” Keith said and got up. “The cold air will clear your head. It always does. Then you take a warm shower, and we continue sleeping.”
Shiro shook his head, but a small smile decorated his lips. “Do you know how perfect you are?”
“Yes, I do,” Keith said, chuckling while he got dressed.
Once outside, the chilly night spread out in front and high up into the sky. Shiro looked up, recognizing the constellations over them like old friends.
"It's almost unimaginable that we were up there for so long, right?" Keith mused.
“I used to study them every night. Sitting on the roof of the Garrison, unable to wait to finally go to space,” Shiro said, his voice rough. “...I never thought they’d hold so much horror for me…”
The night around him stretched out into infinity. Deeper and darker with every second. It swallowed him whole, the stars above laughing at him. Not old friends but enemies, reminding him of all the hurt that happened to him, all the injustice laid on his shoulders. The pain he had brought to people. Strangers and friends alike.
Keith took his hand and intertwined their fingers. It grounded Shiro and yet it wasn’t enough to pull him entirely out of his haunted mind.
“My dad used to tell me that my mum was waiting for me in the stars. I thought it was a stupid metaphor to say she was dead and was looking over me in the sky”, Keith began, a small chuckle on his lips. “I never thought I would find her. To be able to get to know her and my heritage.”
Shiro tried to focus on Keith’s voice rather than the ones in his head. It was hard at first as if Keith was far away. The more he talked, however, the better it worked. It wasn’t important what he said, just the sound of him was helpful.
“I never knew where I belonged as a kid. After my dad died, I lashed out to everybody that tried to come near me. I was alone and lost and just...sad,” Keith said and sighed, his gaze drifting off to the wast desert in front of them. Shiro wondered for a second what memory he was reliving.
“But the stars gave you your mother back and you found where you belong. You’re not alone anymore,” Shiro said.
“Neither are you,” Keith gave back right away and looked at him again. The smile on his lips was off. Shiro couldn’t pinpoint what exactly it was that made it painful to watch. “Horrible things happen in life — they shouldn’t, but they do. And sometimes it’s not our fault.”
“I killed people.” It was a plain statement, one that still pushed shards of glass in Shiro’s heart.
“And saved thousands more,” Keith interjected. “We need to let go of things. It’s not easy, it takes years, maybe even a lifetime. We can’t change the past — but we can change the future. For every person that the Empire made you hurt, you went on and saved twice as many. You should hang on to that and continue to help others.”
Knowing that Keith was right was not enough for Shiro to be convinced. The darkness in his mind had had too much time to fasten and consume him. He wanted to believe Keith, wanted so desperately to just move on and be happy.
“Voltron saved the Universe from the Empire. But who made Voltron into a team in the first place? You did, Shiro. You got us all together and reminded us time and time again that we’re in a bigger picture. Your past is but a small piece of what makes you whole,” Keith explained, his voice soft but empathically. “Besides, the stars didn’t give me back my mum — you did. You saw in me more than just the kid that got suspended a lot. You helped me get into the Garrison and later with the Blades as well. You always had my back.”
With his eyes wandering over the ground between them, Shiro stayed quiet as he was thinking about those words. Keith somehow always knew what to say and when.
“I’m sorry… I think it gets worse with stress,” Shiro said, unable to look at Keith directly.
“I know, don’t be sorry,” Keith stepped closer until he could hug Shiro, who buried his face in the dark locks. “It’s normal. And I will always be here to remind you of the good things. We will walk this path together, okay?”
Shiro nodded and exhaled heavily once more. As if he could just breathe everything out. In the end, it was the presence of the body pressed against his that banished the clouds in his head. They were not gone, lingering in the darkness and they would resurface — but Shiro knew Keith would be there to fight them with him.
When he opened his eyes again and looked up once more, the sky seemed different. As if the night was suddenly friendlier. The stars shone brighter, the wind felt fresher. But Shiro knew the real reason why.
His eyes fell down to Keith again. The man he loved more than anything. He was Shiro’s true light in the darkness.
“I love you.”