Archive of Our Own

The initial hassle of two dubiously silenced figures lying down within a pile of blankets and stuffy sheets had decreased to ambience echoes and dampened breaths. One must be with unsound mind not to notice the intensity vibrating like overexerted bowstring between them. Only Gulf knew it wasn’t miraculous for them to fight and then envelope the outrage into sexual tension of furious kissing, damaged furniture and harmless physical marks. Not today.

The sun was melting into the night’s kingdom and stars alighted upon the opened balcony door. Today wasn’t usual, because he is still waiting for forgiveness kiss from the older whom he chalked up to turn impassive.

Deaden clump fell over the floor before Mew’s body lefted itself from the bed’s comfort leaving Gulf in soul-robbing confusion, tissues and crumpled bedding. Typically, the younger wasn’t as masterful with his words and he couldn’t admonish he’d call him or text him just in case the traffic annoys him further. Instead, he pushed himself up and combed some wild curls of his hair backwards, licking the last bits of Mew’s delicious kiss over his own swollen lips.

“Am I going to see you during the holiday?” he innocently questions.

“For sex or for tutoring?” he shuffles his belongings quickly into his bagーheadphones, hand-sanitizer and his phone. “Be exact what you need from me.”

There is no longer "us".

There, Gulf convinced himself something wasn’t right, but making Mew speak once stubbornness has sewed his mouth, was like trying to change the earth’s trajectory. Despite being perfectly aware of his own need to have some private time on his own, he pushes it as his intuition advices so. “Aren’t you full of yourself recently? As if I wished to sleep with a cheeky engineering student.”

“You are mature enough to take decisions on your own, Gulf,” Mew reminds while pulling a pair of sweatpants on. Awkwardness stirred up the atmosphere. “It goes both ways for me, if you prefer us to cut on the sex part, I would gladly help you with your studies during the holiday. We both benefit from it, I’ll save enough time to visit my family and you’ll escape from the shame of sleeping with a cheeky engineering student.”

For Gulf’s misfortune, he’s taught himself all the quirks and habits this arrogant man had. He’ll check for his keys even though they are poking from his pockets, won’t he? He despise raw foods as much as Gulf despises the way he felt loved within his arms, he plays his drums before going on a run each morning at seven and struggles to find the contact lens solution which Gulf secretly always hid just to catch one extra glimpse of him before leaving.

He doesn’t want him to leave—why would he anyway? Potent shock curled his eyebrows when he imagines him seeing another man. Could he? Unrequired love may be wounded, but it’s undying, he reassures himself with this misleading fact. Mew wouldn’t lock his door for him, he wouldn’t deny one last peck of warmth, he wouldn’t make Gulf see his dreams come true from someone else’s perspective, right?

“We agreed on being casual lovers, as long as I can recall?” the younger is speechless and there is ball of repellent bile and worry in his chest. Mew isn’t being serious.

“Seems like my memory capacity is better, since in that evening you said I can claim you as mine!” he says with heavy voiceーfraught with demons of insecurities and empty of confidence. “Of course I want to see you, when are you visiting your family?”

“I don’t have fixed plans,” he disappears from his sight and Gulf prickled at the absence of presence, running in small steps to the other room.

“You already have everything planned, don’t act above suspicion, I’m not a fool.”

“Apparently you are,” he pulls a ruffled notebook where he’s worked through all his mistakes and shoved it to his chest.

Mew was to have his engineering degree by the end of this semester and for the sake of his music passion he had to tutor clueless high school seniors for the minimal money he needed to sponsor his own music pieces. Gulf was a special case—he’s in love with him ever since the burn of hatred, hormones and unruffled temper didn’t culminate in a single chestnut-shaped smile.

His care, his promises and cheering stories are gone like the cigarettes’ ash. Gulf shudders in fear, he might be too late to compromise.

“I’m sorry for not collecting your work in time and releasing some tension today, we’ve not in condition to do so. Take some rest.”

“Stay,” Gulf relents and his hands blocks his face gently, the ring of his thumb is cool over the other’s boiling patience and the wary orb of his eyes speaks about wishes, someone else made to come true. Gulf strokes his face and demands answers, apologises in quick kisses over his hands, his brow, the corner of his chapped lips, he’s truly sorry about everything Mew could forgive, but not to forget. “Please, baby. Stay for me, I don’t want you to go yet.”

There, when Mew offers as little comfort as to thoughtfully leave him clear tissues and tea by the table-set, he goes without explaining whatever he refused to accept within his heart. Choking in mad tears and tearing his notebook to shreds, Gulf knew that unrequired love, really does die.

Mew's abandoned the harrowing distress making his heart queasy in the past few days. It hasn't been a whole week since the younger's blubbering didn't leave scarring over the drummer's heart.

This morning wasn't any different. After flinging the bedroom's door shut he had his shirt pulled on by the wrong side, mosquito bites as a signature of the walk he took in midnight and in the throes of his nightmares he even managed to strain his pyjama with water. Thank heavens it was room's temperature or he'd wake up by the memory of Gulf's mouth holding on to piece of ice while soothing the simmering yearn between a kiss.

Anxiety is towering between him and the laptopーconcentration evaporates itself in drumming silence and fear is conjuring in his veins. Mew couldn't even get the necessary done.

Cloaked in repeating scenarios, each more and more irrational, his fingers fumble in blockage and the laptop is set aside next to a package of crumbs when the tightness in his ribcage has began to tear at the seams.

Without Gulf there wasn't a single reason to compromise for himself, the false sense of security he had trapped in his apartment doesn't help either. They were supposed to heal together, to do this together if it wasn't for...

His eyes rolled to the other end of the table, allowing his palm to fit around the package forsaken there in a great match. Then he searches for his phoneーhe hasn't touched it or anything else in the past days. After the obnoxious ringtone, someone actually picked and suddenly, there is a strain of hesitation in his voice.

"The mail had arrived already, you've got this handled quicker than I assumed."

"Good morning, Mew!" chirped a voice, as enthusiastic as eerie. "I'm stunned how expeditiously the mail department there reacted, have you opened it already?"

The tape around the paper had been torn to limps by Mew's impatience, but to conceal this, he denies. "No," he shouldn't be obvious, a clipped laugher was caught from the other side. "You should understand at first that this isn't machinery. Relationships between people are natural and somehow, Gulf is more mature than he shows signs of."

Furthermore, there is more potential in the edge of his smile than the world's weight in gold, Mew was dying to add. Gulf always had a spotlightーeach and every room is wrapped around his pinkie the moment he speaks, stars' whispers aren't as beautiful as his morning voice.

"People like you are miserable," the voice informs, as if through filter, "remember that when you deny something, the pictures you hold will be spread around, so will those I keep in files. You won't even catch a glimpse by the time they are out, poor you."

As far as Mew's rationality could reach right now, he knew the 'G' in his lover's name stood for gorgeous, or behind a word dictionaries didn't have the strength to carry. 'M' from Mew though, was just standing for maniacal.

"Are you done?" he hisses, trying to suppress the cocktail of emotions entangled around his tone. "I have other things to do, rather than speaking to a rogue."

"You won't be as brave when it comes to him," the voice promises, "look at the pictures closely because I'm not giving you a second chance. Don't console yourself that I wouldn't dare."

That's going to keep him wriggling in bed, fuck! Eloquent slew of obscenities claw from his throat and with clogged vision, he searches for the right words to convince the other with compassion, instead of aggression.

"There must be other ways to interrogate, how aboutー"

Then he ended the call.

Another portion of anguish is served cold. His arguments are implausibleーno, that is what Mew was supposed, to think, wasn't it? He pauses staggered and listens to the static noise with his finger senselessly pushing at his lips.

His heart echoes so loud, leaving no room for his innermost demons to craw on the spotlight. This pedestal should belong to Gulf only, to his champion and sun, to him and only to him! It wasn't fair, to build yourself as powerful and fall harmless in front of certain someone, who's aiming your own weapon at your skull.

Their first kiss sounds with everything it had inside his mindーsoft and rough, making fire sizzle over ice, making his heart ache for something he probably never had. His anxiety burst in mad crying, angry stupor gluing him on his knees where he searched for explanation, opposing his biggest fears.

He doesn't stop trashing beside the couch even when the sun's beauty dives in the moon's paradise. He can't make his breathing placid, he can't calm himself though the day's heat has been stolen by the nightfall.

The pictures were disheveled over the floorーthey showed Gulf, in the arms of someone else. Mew as well too.

Once your past dies, it isn't past anymore, right? Gulf is rebelling and mourning the loss of desire to even distinguish his favorite flowers' colours. Instead, a pattern of stormy, rigid blackness of no shades or beauty stands to make the younger aghast. He doesn't give in to the tremendous disappointment, he must move on and keep going with the burden of million bleached flowers and one immortal past.

Right?

He's gotten the idea of Mew coming over today, logically he had no choice it was Wednesday and he had to help him with his lessons. Gulf's efforts don't rise from zeroーhe won't clean his space, reflect on his feelings and vent it out or even bake for himself. He misses Mew's love language, and the quips coming from his tongue when the older doesn't expect it. He misses this so much that he shut himself to actually embrace what's been lacking.

15: 37

He's lateーor maybe time is static?

When two people dig the same pit and withstand the same pain sliced in equal portions, the affection shared couldn't be one-sided, Gulf debates with the straight, tiny whispers layering an empire of bitterness inside his head.

He's targeted his favorite spot to zone out into when his daydreaming session was barbarously interrupted by the door's ring. He almost missed it, opening the door eagerly to see dilated pupils, shimmering eyes and a smile of relief.

He doesn't need to sugarcoat itーeven if Mew was black chocolate, he'd devour him the way Mew does while his sleeping prince doesn't watch those abysmal pools drinking his profile.

"Hey."

He's observing the coy body languageーGulf is almost frozen to his spot and aloof, but the older welcomed himself in with apologetic look, rubbing his shoes over the fleecy rug. In reality, Mew is sabotaging himself by being all polite and good-looking, Gulf's instincts know only the body once belonging to his care.

He's so ready to follow the consequences.

"Where should I leave this?"

He finally snapped out of itーMew is holding a lunch box. "That's an absurd, you came here to teach me, not to babysit me!"

Gulf's sympathy, passion or every positive emotion in general, always came out in the form of wicked slander. The other breathes out the unnerving awkwardness nestling between the space of two man wishing non-verbally to be close enough for their heart's whispers to actually turn into music.

Gulf's whispers aren't leaving his head soon.

"It's midterm for you and there is probably nothing, but electric lamp in your fridge," his stomach, for his misfortune, gurgles and twists, yet he stubbornly refuses. "I've cooked, bought you a drink, medicine and new notebooks for your notes," he opens the fridge, by habit it was a matter of course for Mew to put his slippers on and remove the dark-splotched mugs into the sink. "Well, not even the lamp's part goes here."

The fridge is dark and running with water.

"I can take it as a thoughtful token for your delay," Gulf's head turned sideways at the drop of a hat so does the impeccably insightful ocean lying within numbness in Mew's eyes. "You aren't obliged to tutor unworkable person like me, it'll save you more time than running late."

Despite the mock, Gulf's heart actually skipped a prolonged beat knowing that Mew was probably late because he was with someone else. Mew seems to recognize the speed of fear curdling over the other's face and reassuringly pat the spot over the couch while still standing.

"Come here, love. I'm not moving until you aren't comfortable. I brought everything because I know you need it, plus you are quick off the mark. Every lesson I give, you'll absorb."

"How generous!" Gulf crossed his arms and bypassed him, bumping into his shoulder on purpose. Mew couldn't hide the tiniest whisp of grin forming on his lips, obediently sitting over the shabby couch.

"Should I leave them here then?"

"Take them back with yourself," he doesn't appreciate his concern, tch, he must be taught a lesson different from integrals.

"That isn't considerate, Gulf."

"Like you were the previous week?" the darkly clad male begins a war where thorns of thousand roses aren't worth the blood shed to pick them. That's been the reason his eyes widened and he couldn't stop fiddling angrily with his shirtーhe is afraid to carry this bouquet all alone.

Mew sat once again after moving around and poking his inner cheek with the brim of his tongue. His fingers enticingly crossed in a knot, tight enough to create tension.

"There is something that popped last week, Gulf. I was hoping you'd understand without much elaboration."

"I'm not that slow," he hisses, sitting next to him in a way which radiated wrathーloath enveloped in skinny affection, fearing to be conquered. "When you need space, you can always tell me next time. Don't leave me behind like that and make a scene!" his grimace deepened.

Mew's joy erupts in quiet smiles, even if inside he's as carefree as a sidewalk covered with chalk drawings. There is part of him refusing to surrender to the fears he had no heart to meetーwith trembling heart and weak feet he touched Gulf's hand. The younger is taken aback, but sincerely returns the gesture seeing pain curl in Mew's gaze, in a storm even he couldn't sooth.

Respectively, Mew was just scared for the years he missed, to meet that beautiful reason and now leave it like it was seasonal leaf fumbling by the winds. He regrets snapping at him from the bottom of his worrying heart.

"Hey, I'm sorry..." Gulf beckons and reactively had his graceful palm patting the older's forearm up and down until warmth doesn't imprint over his skin. "Mew, I'm right here for you, baby. My insults are very flimsy and stupid, don't take it seriously."

"I'm the one to have scarred your trust."

Gulf's fingers desperately tighten around Mew's and he's convinced he won't let that brittle love of his crumble at the force of regrets.

"No," he mutters and wraps himself around Mew, "I'll be the first to forgive you, even if I challenge you all the time, even if I threaten you or act by my impulses."

The notebooks may wait the next bellーthey deserve a break apart from everything they couldn't forgive themselves. It wasn't too comfortable, but Mew managed to entangle himself in the security of Gulf's embrace and stay there, as a dog under mere shelter.

Trepidation is hitting his threshold when Gulf's hand touches his cheek and rubs the skin there.

"Trust is basic for every healthy union, sweetheart. Love is to learn and understand, change and go out of my cocoon," Gulf listens with a smile, maybe his boyfriend could become a poet if not a drummer. "You inspire me to be a better person myself and I can't even be myself recently. I'm so sorry if I made you think it was your fault," he hugged the younger more, new portion of sadness pouring inside his chest, clouding his vision, "God, I'm so sorry!" he half-sobs.

Gulf doesn't contemplate muchーcomfort comes before advice. He listens to every clipped, ragged with wheeze breath Mew threw in apology and he just held him close, nuzzling his cheek to his face.

"Hey, calm down, Mew."

"I'm sorry..."

"You've had your reason, whenever you feel ready you can tell me."

The truth is, he couldn't. The pictures' condition isn't the best since Mew attempted to burn it. There was long denial and heated wax blurred the low quality images of hell mailed to him the other day. Tears finally come out and Gulf plays with his back in soft pats and touches, trying to calm him if possible.

"Slow down for me, okay? Breathe deeply, sweetheart. Calm down before I get mad and kick you out the couch!" he jokes with fragile smile and pecks Mew's warm cheek with gaudy kiss, brushing his nose at his favorite spot.

"Thank you," he says in stutter when his chest heavedーGulf's palm instantly slide across his body to redeem for the nights when this sensation was long lost in regrets. "I didn't want our relationship to be asymmetrical. I don't know if I can bear living knowing you missed something, that couldn't give you something."

"You are giving me enough," Gulf says. "Keep touching me like this."

With half-hearted grin, Mew's body is lax over the younger's navy hoodie and square patterned pyjama. He draws over his skin in their own language and then they share a long kiss, Mew's lips domineering for the craved attention, wrestling against the heat of Gulf's love.

"That's it, there we go," Gulf whispers and strokes his hairーdamaged by the sun's mercilessness. "That's it, baby. I've got you. You've calmed down, yes?"

Mew looks up to meet tawny depth of caramel sea bonding with his own. Gulf's eyes are so expressive and vibrant even if he refuses to admitーMew kisses softly the place where Gulf's eyelashes kissed his cheekbones and then left a trajectory of love down his neck.

"Yes," he says, lying completely over Gulf's lap, "though, my heart is still aching. Kiss it better!"

Gulf despise to admit how worried he was for a moment, but Mew's unwillingness to cooperate was even more excruciating. Tired from the waves of anxiety pushing in and out, he hits Mew over his leg in a swift, not so light.

"Ouch!"

"Serves you right for doing this!"

"You are cute."

"You are unnerving."

"He-he, I love you beyond this," Mew is adamant and that fully-grown man rests with child-like smile close to Gulf's lap again, distress gone as if it was one of those portals in video games, Gulf slaughtered with special code he got from Mild. "Please, tell me you've been okay those days?"

Gulf nodded again, wantonly stroking Mew's rotated face in his legs. "I'm not that immature! I even pulled a sleepover to revise from my classes, it was pretty helpful."

"Someone was trying to impress their helper, didn't you?"

"Only in your craziest dreams!" Gulf weakly hit him again, connecting their lips like branches of two parallel trees, gentle and caring sounds of lost desires, kissing without apologising for the attachment it created. Gulf bit his lip stubbornly. "Once I met you, you beat me in my own hatred, in my own insecurities. Ever since, I've been trying to compete with you, to be the best kiss you've ever had!"

Mew's adam apple lurches in anticipation.

Gulf's eyes are daring, kissing Mew with his lips and stripping his soul with bare look of those innocent eyes, now getting darker than gratification bubbling between them.

"Hey, what'sー"

"I'm not done with you," suddenly, Mew feels dizzy and afraid. "You aren't allowed to have different kisses than mine. Mine are the best, aren't they?"

Mew isn't hesitant to answerーhis loved one's face changed so rapidly that maybe people are right saying love is blind. They both have dark corners of their subconsciousnessー darker than the pictures he received.

"Take it easy sweetheart," it was Mew's moment to mutter a sweet nothing, loud enough for Gulf's sanity to release him. The younger digs his nails in Mew's scalp, mind buzzing with questions. "Yes, please, take it easy. It's alright, I'm not mad at myself anymore and I don't want you to blame yourself. There, there."

Gulf's lips twitch and uncontrollably he kisses Mew until he isn't panting, leaving marks where it'll look like a wrestling mark, mouths dancing in a rhythm only loving souls distinguished.

"That's right."

"It isn't right," Gulf whispered close to his face. "You aren't entitled to do this to me."

"I won't do this again, baby."

"Promise."

"Mm, I can't until you don't give me a room to breathe, Gulf."

Slowly, the younger pulled away with pained grimace and they sat with their worst and their best next to each other, embracing the solid pieces of sobriety left. Mew shouldn't distance himself, Gulf doesn't want him to. Mew's hug doesn't relent, bestowing his lover a steady territory to think in, warming heart to rely on.

Mew latched on Gulfーno creature had the right to smell so nice. There is spice and night's air after chasing the heat away, combined with something honeyed. Mew remembered riding his bike as a kid, having the full moon as a company. The scent was similar, but there wasn't a patch holding loneliness, there is another hammering pulse, another human willing to stay.

"Should I prepare the shower? We can bathe together and then I'l stay over for the lesson if you're capable of understanding anything tonight?"

"I'm far from comprehensive right now," Gulf said under his breath with utter merriment, leveling up Mew's shoulders for a romantic kissーdevoid of urgency and hunger, yet complete. "Thank you for showing me what I couldn't see, I'm really not good with boundaries once I knew it was you, who was meant for me. You are so brave, sweetheart, and very good to me."

Mew's smile died to a flat line in speechless brawl. How was it possible for those beautiful eyes not to see it was Gulf who's taught him to believe there is a lesson behind each and every obstacle? Words would add unnecessary vainーhe preferred to keep it simple.

"Look at this," Mew took the younger's hands. They are carrying stories of Gulf being pushed astray and gone violent, they carry vulnerability and softness only Mew got to strip. "Your hands carry my world, I can fit it perfectly in there, see?"

"Cheesy."

"It's true," Mew repeats the action of massaging the delicate skin with the pads of his thumbs, smiling with courage, unknown to those who hasn't loved. "No matter how many times you've carried my world in those hands, it'll never be enough. I always want more."

16: 26

Gulf wrapped his arms around Mew's shoulders and pulled him impossibly close, sank his nails to the symmetrical moles secretly peering from the nape of his neck, kissing the smile, he's adored even when it was replaced by sad guise.

He massages the sides of his face and with every sell of his being, Mew seems to lean into Gulf's cup-forming palms and study his expression as he usually does. He's psychologically stepping over the heart Mew's sprawled in his feet like a light in night's danger. Fraught with fear, Mew's been matching his breathing to the younger, eyes peeling the back of his soul in a stare, as intense as the grip over his waist.

Yes, the lessons can be put on hold, eating and bathing tooーthey don't even need an alarm.

"I want you."

"You always try to pursue with sweetness," Gulf's smirk cracked in expression, stimulated from invisible triggers, "can't we do it the other way?"

Mew's arms locked themselves like jaws around Gulf's slimmer form right at the curve of his waist. It's incredibly hotーnot physically, there was something about being close to someone who has everything to destroy you, yet they prefer to help you grow.

"I don't want to force you into anything."

"Do I look forced?" Gulf chirps and positions himself over the rough edge of the couch. "I was so ready to turn you mine the moment you walked through that door!"

Mew's minding his own business down Gulf's well sculptured neck and fine shoulders, kissing the tanned skin like a sunflower can't resist the call of the sunlight. "Yes? I love seeing you all drenched like this for me," he positions himself in a quivering stance between his legs, listening to the couch's efforts to keep itself singing treble.

"Yes."

"Even better if you haven't been close for a few days," he almost moans in clocked up satisfaction. "My sweetheart has been very lonely."

There was something magical about being kissed this wayーbecause Mew's mouth is courageous enough to promise Gulf the world in abundance he'd struggle to even carry. He promises to be his first about everything, to inspire without wanting anything in return, to walk by him in stark crazy adventures and when they're older and sane, there will be scrapbook of pictures and grounding comfort to follow them in all the kisses, they had this life to share.

Life really isn't that long.

Mew's heart clenched for a momentーlooking at Gulf's flawless skin and warmed lipsーhe's taken care of them until they aren't pink and now Gulf hugs him affectionately in return.

"Yes, I've been lonely," on the other side, Gulf isn't as mad as initially the older thought him to be. He's been ashamed to tell him straightforwardly, that Gulf wanted to brush their teeth every morning, count stars when clouds are benevolent, make playlists, cook horrendous meals and sit in quiet.

He wants something so simple and Mew was so hard to understand sometimes.

"Yes, I've been lonely and I might need to take some time on my own," he cradles Mew's face between his chest so he'd be calm and embraces him in a heartfelt hug, "so I can make sure, you'll never be lonely again. Okay?"

Mew nods against his chest and preps butterfly kisses aroundーmaybe Gulf blames himself wordlessly for not understanding and Mew's saving himself the pain of telling him about the pictures.

"Whenever I can't bring myself to think about loneliness as part of losing and finding myself, I always think about you, baby. Then I know, I have a place to go."

Gulf's smile grew fonder, arousal dimming like matchstick under heavy pour, hearts beating in steady pace.

"Come see me at the bar next week, I'll play for you."

Gulf nodded.

"Once they see you being a hermit by yourself, the company will skin you alive, man!" Mild had teleported from the crowd's blurriness and Mew's attention was quickly caught.

"It's more of an introverted spot here," Mew's voice razors the lousy britpop piece of music, repeating for a third time. Mild's obnoxiously red shirt is strained with heady alcohol and by his slurred speech and lack of any focus, Mew's intuition alarmed him to label Gulf's friend as intoxicated. A lot.

His lips curl around the glass of sprite, fawn brown gaze moving with uncertainty around the club's walls, that's been tightening, haven't they? He drinks again.

"Come on, you've got yourself a reservation for tonight and you're being casted away! Your friends will be so sad!" Mild insists.

"My spot means my spot," Mew says again in desperate need to recharge his batteries after drumming in front of so many people. Unluckily, Mild confides.

"There are no bars out there for shy ones! Or for the hermits!" he's either lame or not in his right mind, but Mild makes drum hits at the end of his slowed speech. "Bubbly water won't get your adrenaline pumping, come on!"

"That's the point," Mew's eyebrows shoot upwards.

"Ah..."

"Do you think you'll be able to walk yourself home?" he squeezes his shoulder and Mild releases a frantic nod after leaning to Mew and thank heavens it was the music to keep him on the ball or he'd definitely let the younger slip like sand between him. No, he can't think. Mew concludes. "I'll find someone from your company to walk you to the dorm, or you could take a cab, couldn't you?"

"You are such a mood killer, Mew! Have some fun, why's there a rush to leave?"

Mew's patience was running thin.

"Look, Mild, we'll be playing in half an hour and then I'll surely head home and catch up on sleep," languidly, he even yawns. "Though, since you are here, has Gulf shared anything outstanding to you?"

"Outstanding? You're glued together from the absurd series he overwatches in the bus to the spoonful of sugar you sprinkle in his evening espresso," he remarks. "You are more often with him than anyone else."

Mew isn't sure how to convert his questions in order to receive a direct answer. The atmosphere wasn't helping him neitherーsleazy people rubbing themselves into the club's leather armchairs and cheap alcohol infused with whatnot. In a hassle, he inspects if Mild isn't accidentally tricked to take something detrimental to his health.

"How much did you drink? Gulf isn't going to be happy his friend has wasted himself and I won't be happy if Gulf isn't happy."

"I haven't wasted myself, please! I'm being very mature! More than Gulf!"

"Gulf's at home and revising for the exam he's having in a few days, he has math and physics with the same tutor I used to. It isn't very pleasant for me to snooze in bar's corners when my boyfriend hasn't reheated his dinner from work," he explains. "Understand now?"

"Well, if it wasn't for me to make the fake photo session of Gulf's girlfriend, you'd not be here! His plan was excellent."

What?

Mew dropped his sprite can over floor in a smack as the pure liquid whooshed between people's legs and streamed through their disagreement. He doesn't even apologise before grabbing paper tissues and soaking them to the ground.

"What did you just say?"

"What the hell," Mild draws out in attempt to disagree, but unconcealed drowsiness is causing his sensory system to shut down. As much of a rainy day Mew had todayーeven more with the literal murky weather outsideーmishaps continue to fall on him as Mild lost control over himself and blacked out in a split second.

Fortunately, some of his dorm buddies caught him in not so sober laughters and Mew can't even interrogate him now. The mail from the other day contained a picture of Gulf's perfection wrapped around a girl of his classes that seemed too real to be miscalculation. On the other hand, there was a picture of Mew next to an ex-partner of his while he was studying engineering.

Evidently, there might be an action back-stage Mew is unaware of.

"Thank you for catching him... I need to rinse my hand," Mew gestures at the stickiness of fizzy drink flecking his palm, "did he take anything different than the alcohol itself?"

"No," a guy with blue shirt objected.

"If there is a slight chance of him taking any tranquilizers, medicine or alcohol, you better get going to infirmary before the effect of too many stimulants damage him," Mew advices with concernーthat's his boyfriend's best friend and for his misfortune, the one who knew things Mew had no time to interrogate him about.

"Some caffeine will help!"

"Stop making yourself seem unhinged," Mew's hands crossed defensively, "caffeine will have temporary suppressing effect on his body, don't fool yourself. Make him go to the dorm safely."

"Should we miss your next song? No way in hell!" the guy appealed, voice reaching the high peak of annoyance Mew was so on the threshold of overstepping and what could have gone wrong after Gulf's best friend and Mew's savior meantime had gone head over heels with the random guy's shirt? He's drooling over it, and Mew is puzzled.

"I'll get my drums in tune and go to the restroom," Mew says lowly before thrusting his hand back and forthーthey aren't in the spotlights anymore and people are dancing to their own cadence.

"Be up in thirty minutes, though! It'll be your turn to shine!" dammit. Dashing to Gulf's place and confessing whatever befell on him the last couple of days wasn't an option, right? He has most of the proofs saved, or at least he believed so? Gnawing on his lipsーMew was reserved enough not to show uneasiness in front of some kids trashing in their grandparents' gardens tonight.

"Yeah, we'll chat later!" he goes to the bathroom where he'd have some priviteness from the burning shadows spinning and dancing, and the sink ran with cold water.

Having a heart was such a great disadvantageーa mechanism so complex to rule over and a disadvantage that made the most sensible people lose control at the shrine of their yearns.

The taps aren't running and the beach linen scent lingers from his bare skinーhe swirls by the bar and with lightheadiness, Mew turns right to go at the backstage room and count those agonizing twenty minutes and then the next five minutes of hurling towards the entrance and calling a driver.

Was Mild even with the people from earlier?

He decided to run for a drink outside.

There’s a foul smelling backstreet where the performer’s rooms were set and by close distance a pavilion of refreshments was attached to an abandoned bus stop—Mew’s imagination couldn’t shape how the woman assisting teens to get fresh air from the solid alcohol influence wasn’t burning both ends of the candle.

Making her venture more decent with the last bus for the night’s schedule, Mew bought a bottle of water and a third of his processed groceries and left a humble tip. It must be incalculably harming to one’s mentality, going through the same monotonous thing again and again, without engaging change.

Well, It’s an irony how even he couldn’t.

She bestows him a rewarding smile before he could hop on the alley’s blinking streetlight and follow his route to the backstage rooms, unguarded and always unlocked. To bridle his thoughts, he’d always turn on the portable radio hanged in the tiny space or look at the thermometer—which showed twenty-eight degrees right now—too hot for a moonlit evening.

Few vehicles passed aware of Mew’s darkly clad figure and cautious of the pace they had over the sideway puddles. His nose’s tickling with the rich scent of rain. Chasing anxiety away within the silver lineage around the house’s roofs, clouds recoiled to make space for the star’s beauty. There is a nag itching and twisting above his heart howbeit, and the reason was Gulf’s scent shamelessly claiming the area from meters distance.

Then he picked his speed and made wider steps—thankfully to his height and immense motivation, soon when he reached the radio’s sound static and repeating over the relentless noise of the club and the backroom wasn’t lonely anymore.

Gulf stood there leaning to the cold walls, scrolling through his phone in straight face.

“Hey,” Mew welcomed him in tiny voice, “you’ve walked all the way here at this hour to see the last song?”

Gulf put his phone down in a sigh—someone as enchanting even on the uninspiring clatters from inside, shouldn’t be lawfully allowed to walk in here, Mew’s possessiveness glints, feisty in those eyes. He’s carrying a purple umbrella rough around the edges, phone signalling for low battery.

“I’ve heard you rehearsal this so many times,” Mew fondly smiled, “while I was sleeping,” and then his smile vanished in severe grimace.

“Being persistent makes things work out, yes? That’s why I do everything I love, regularly,” the younger isn’t as ignorant not to see the context behind this, accompanied with unreadable smile that cracked even statues’ hearts. “I’m not appreciative of you staying up so late for this, weren’t you studying for the tasks due next week?”

They sat in quiet and Gulf by instinct nurtures Mew in the gentlest possible way—all matters of insecurities are shut in the little moment of closeness. Insecurities can’t shout here and luckily for them, they can’t laugh.

“I was studying, but during the breaks I had found something on my computer. May it be, I had to come here and tell you...”

“Isn’t this beautiful? I’m playing inside in less than twenty minutes and you’ll be the applauding I’ve been waiting for,” Mew’s littering pecks with a citrus hints in his breath, beginning from the childhood scar Gulf had to the base of his neck, continuous and unrestrained, he finishes with loving kiss over his lips. Gulf returns it immediately. “Thank you for making this evening a priority.”

“Priority my ass! If you continue being outrageous I’ll hold back from telling you what I came for at first place!” he’s pouty and adorable—intoxication pools in Mew’s belly without him even drinking and his hand nests itself over the younger’s damp back, kissing his cool skin again. “Can we go inside?”

“Are you cold, darling?” Mew’s mouth forms a circle, rubbing his hands around Gulf’s until his knuckles don't turn white from the friction, though his hands are almost feverish. “Are you feeling okay? Your hands are very hot,” he touches the younger’s forehead, sticky with sweat, before he made up a ridiculous expression, turning on his heels and going inside. He’s insanely stubborn.

“Obviously no, I’m sweating since I ran to here. Look at those, we’ll talk about it after your performance though, it shouldn’t be a distraction,” Mew’s embrace comes from behind, encircling his sturdy, yet elegant waist in a hug, he’s perfect isn’t he?

And Mew’s ready to give everything to that perfection, just to be part of it. He kisses the sensitive spot under his ear and oh Gulf isn’t sure how’s his heart speeding so fast. “This package, found it by your nightstand.”

Mew doesn’t wait for him to explain or to finish his thought, hurt imprints over Mew’s eyes in a heart-rending look, the older was reeling at his own inability to react, to release and be opened, meantime Gulf seemed to understand this and stay sensible if possible, flipping through the letters cluttered behind the tied pile of photos.

Silence is the cruellest punishment one can give—like discriminating the other’s existence wholly. He doesn’t seem to consider it this way, looking at Mew swallow the impending tears and reach to hug him.

“It isn’t as it looks like, Gulf... I meant to tell you about this, but I couldn’t bring myself to.”

“Then tell me what it looks like, because It’s either a weird ritual of yours to put my fake photos in one envelope with pictures with your previous lover, or an attempt of forcing. I want to hear it from you,” he patiently scoops his beloved one close to that worrisome feverish heat of his body, giving him enough time to collect his thoughts.

“You know it already, Gulf,” electrifying sparkles combusted around Gulf’s wrathful look, somehow angry and somehow hesitant. “I want to be with you. The problem is that I didn’t know the girl on the pictures is someone paid to be there. It’s very confusing for me too,” Gulf isn’t forceful or upsetting him, his emotions are in check though this may change in a tantrum.

“Is this why the pictures are from my father’s address?” he points at the torn envelope, hands shaking. “You realize I saw them on your email’s archives too, right? How long would it take you to tell me something, directly related to my father?”

“I’m sorry.”

“How long?” he repeats with hormones scarred tone, as hurt as the sky bleeding to nightfall with the rain’s weight.

“After Mild told me about the pictures with the girl, I knew it was a provocation and those aren’t accurate.”

“Where is he?” Gulf’s expression doesn’t move and Mew’s heart is squished beneath his ribcage, lashing out in fast rhythm so he could be heard. Gulf’s awfully aware of the sickness and brainstorming suspicion in his veins, but if Mew couldn’t distinguish safety from trust, should he? No, the tit-for-tat game can’t be present, they’ve healed from this phase long ago and Gulf’s apology came as soon as he saw Mew’s frozen hands and disheartened eyes to brush away his curled bangs and stroke every spot of his face in caring, non-judgemental motion.

“He’s probably left already, he wasn’t himself either,” Mew says and exhales slowly, while his arms found the other’s body to hug again. “I don’t think anyone is tonight, there, in a while we’ll be home and I’ll tell you everything I didn’t have the heart to.”

“I should be sorry too,” at this point, every pleading for forgiveness feels like kneeling to a shrine, being too vulnerable, too much for human’s ego to endure. The opposite, every cold reaction is being translated as being unbothered—humans can’t be possibly happy.

So knowing Gulf had someone far from the human’s envy, he could inspire himself to be happy without seeking for a flaw.

“I didn’t even mention about the girl. She’s very kind and agreed to take some pictures with me, so I’ll send them to my father and quench his curiosity,” he fists Mew’s shirt before this fist flew in a swift to the lockers, “if I just wasn’t so full of myself!”

“Hey, hey,” Mew’s embrace tightened and nourishing his Gulf to grow—to be better for himself and more sensible to others, he plants kisses over the visible places—Gulf’s hairline, his temples and forehead, stroking his back and allowing his closure to somehow bring his senses back, “It’s alright, I promise it wasn’t your fault. See, there is no harm done, it's okay baby, you are with me.”

“There is!” Gulf’s hands touched his face again. “There is so much damage done in here...” his hand snuggles between their bodies and Mew senses his clammy palm sprawling over his heart, finally giving it the validation sought, thinking aloud in against his chest. “It’s something I began and did this to us, you're involved as much as I'm."

Before the older had anything to wrangle aboutーhe's horned in by the gates of heaven in Gulf's lips, kissing that forgotten thing he was planning to say. "Don't rely on the idea it was my father who did this. Everyone is manipulated by one person."

Mew's determination escalates and within a minute, he's pulled Gulf from the locker enduring the flexibility of his punch, took care of the eyelashes fallen on his rosy cheeks and meanwhile collected his own frustration.

"It was your father who called me those days with threats."

"No," Gulf's face relents at the mercy of twisted truth, breathing quickening, searching distance, "my father isn't vile, even if he isn't open-minded, he received those news by someone intruding."

"Who is it?"

"Think about it, if it wasn't for someone else, how'd my father have pictures of you and that man or know your business number?"

"I can't concentrate, baby."

"Do so," Gulf insists. "For me."

"I'm attentive to observe small details, your father wasn't happy with our relationship and said he'd put an end to my future," he analyzes vocally.

"Yes, and who would put an end to your career and our relationship in a heartbeat? Who are you competing with when it comes to lessons?"

That lit a bulb.

"... you mean?"

"Hey buddy, you're up in three minutes! Mind your steps though, a kid made a huge mess on the hall!" someone called in the culmination of their conversation and regretfully, Mew nods to alert the younger, this will be dealt with in a hot minute.

"Don't dwell on it while playing," Mew gifts him a challenging look, "you'll be too attractive for your own good, allow me to take the lead with a plan, I have something in my mind."

"Wry little thing, I can't catch up with your creativity!"

He's going up thereーwhere nobody knew the pair of smoldering eyes grounding every beat of the drum, of his heart. Gulf's energy is to drool for, he pulls him in a final kiss, Mew certainly doesn't complain, especially when the younger uses that energy for carrying bags. He certainly doesn't even if the photos fall scattered over the floor.

"Make me proud."

Mew kissed him, the purple umbrella rolling to the empty emergency exit and the tilted label.

"Oh, I will."

The urgency in Gulf's stare glued to the front door catched Mew's attention the second he went out of the shower, towel heedlessly being dabbed over the wet strands of hair.

He takes a whiff of Gulf's shampooーhis curls are running a riot tonight and wrestling above his eyesight and his scalp, he's using Mew's glasses over his computer.

"You aren't giving me a chance to redeem for being distrusting?" Mew complains and Gulf waved his hand in irritated manner. "You'll need to reward me too."

"We are into something more important now," the older's slack shirt flaunted in front of the screen.

"So, it really was your math teacher?"

The image popping over Gulf's screen jogs his memory and in introspective thoughts he brings himself back to the day he lastly saw that man. Nothing fancy, nevertheless he's turned out to be the sheep in wolf's clothing. It's unexpected to say at least, and Mew draws a long breath before aggressively applying massage to his temples.

"Should I tell you again?"

"Yes, oh please start again because I can't catch up with this."

"I contacted parents of seniors and teenagers who are attending his classes and there are over twenty people who attend private lessons. That's the reason why they have excellent marks at the end of the term, he isn't grading them because of their knowledge, but because they pay him for private lessons."

"How are those connected? It doesn't serve in their interest?" Mew scowled.

"Kids whose parents can effort to pay a bit extra literally take advange of this," his face saddened, "they go to lessons, not for the sake of tutoring, but to pay him."

"And you refused."

Gulf snapped his fingers like it rang a bell for the other's 'ow' shaped lips, then they pressed their bodies together in a not so tight hug so it'll give them a room to breathe and yet dive into much waited closure.

"I might have said one of the university's students is lecturing me, I couldn't have known the agitation is so strong," he muttered. "Then, he's tried to frighten you so you'll back up from giving me lessons, when he couldn't, he involved my father."

"Education system isn't functioning right."

With abhorrence and impatience, the younger slammed his laptop closed until the system didn't shut down, taking Mew's veiny hand to prep kisses over its length and down his fingers taking all the attention, as much as his heart could hold.

In return, Mew's right hand turned off his desk's lamp and palmed his chest through the thin fabric of his pyjama.

"With all the parents and the teacher's staff, we'll describe the case and submit it to inspectorate, he isn't going to ruin student's knowledge for money anymore," Gulf grit his teeth and drew a sharp breath, "he won't put you at risk too."

Even knocking someone's head off his shoulders won't make you look taller.

"Mmm, don't get worked up tonight, you feel too nice for your own good," Mew literally sniffed him and his hand went overboard, from the younger's defined chest line down the unleashed tension between his legs and he pushes his hips a bit, breathing growing very heavy.

"Like this."

The most benign and tender kiss made its route to Mew's clothed ribs, where Gulf applied more pressure and deepened it until the older didn't notice. Yes, vulnerability wasn't that execrable, how could the only feeling we go to bed with be? Anger dies unburied, sadness vanishes like the purple umbrella forgotten in the backroom.

"Oh, good boy."

"Mm, let me have you."

"Am I seeing my baby begging?"

"In your imagination!"

"Before I get my mind into admiring every place you've missed putting sunscreen to, share with me, how did you know it was your teacher at first place?"

"The mail you've received, it was put in another mail. After he's sent some of those pictures to my father, he sent them back without removing the original sender's information." (plus, he knows his father's handwriting.)

"Oh," Mew rubs his chest, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, you are clever like your father."

"And you are annoying like?"

"That's a limited edition characteristic of mine."

Gulf is back on the gridーkissing Mew's lips without holding back, gaudy and aflame, their kiss tells stories of devastating chapters and an ending worth every minute reading. Misunderstandings are sometimes made-up insecurities of human's nature, and thanks to love's ability to fix everything, from a broken umbrella, tuned drums, quirks and mistrustーGulf and Mew were back in their love realm, where perfection meant being imperfect.

That's where excitement came from.

"Moreー Youー!"

"Name it and I'll give it all to you, sweetheart," Mew moans against his lips and nodding rapidly at each other they fall in bed, humping the sheet's material and kissing with the power excitement gave. "You are so good, so beautiful for me."

Then Gulf follows the trajectory of Mew's lips with his fingers and sees how he's kissed him everywhereーbecause love of one place, one timing and one feeling, is love worth everything. Love's single rule is to be the one and give the trust and vulnerability, money couldn't buy.

"I don't want to sleep, I want to stay like this."

Mew's smile grew, hovering over the younger with all the negativity going flying out of the window, he's secretly hoping that the practical lessons he gave him, weren't worth the lesson given today.

"As you wish, my love."