Work Text:
It’s in the quiet times does he finally pay mind to the swell in his chest, the ever-heavy ebb and flow of emotions that always seemed moments away from pulling him under, to choke and suffocate as he ultimately fell victim to them.
Is this what it meant to be human? To be under constant barrage of often incoherent thoughts and feelings that he struggled to string together into something cohesive, something Ienzo could fully grasp or was it simply a side effect of his upbringing? The cost of spending his youth surrounded by both scientists, the darkness and the ever-echoing chamber of the abyss that should have been where heart lay?
Fingers pick idly at the scar lacing across his neck, a nervous habit he’d picked up at some point between waking up whole again and realising just where Even had disappeared to, the book he’d been reading laying abandoned on his bed as he delved deeper into his thoughts without pause.
Anxiety.
It had been one of the main things he’d felt since waking, constantly gnawing at his insides as they cleaned the lab, as they made it fit for human habitation after a decade, as his two remaining would be father’s tried to make him a place to sleep whilst Axel…no, Lea, whilst Lea of all people awkwardly took him to find clothes whilst he just stood there, numb and unmoving as the impact of emotions seemed to hit him like a truck.
He’d died a child. He’d come back an adult.
Lea had apologised, he’d made a point to apologise every time he saw Ienzo, though at this point he’s not entirely sure what the redhead is apologising for anymore. Being instrumental in his death as a nobody or for the strange limbo he’s been stranded in with regards to his emotional balance?
It annoys him, Ienzo thinks, almost laughing at the way he’s experiencing everything like it’s the first time because it never stops at something as minimal as annoyance, it spikes to anger, increase to a level higher than it should and it only adds to his ever growing bemusement over what its like to be human.
Because feeling things this strongly, it doesn’t feel human either.
His annoyance with Lea’s varied apologies didn’t leave as much of a mark on him as Demyx had. They hadn’t been close before, not through any fault of Demyx’s, the Nocturne had tried in his own ways to warm his way into his none existent heart and, like the impressionable child he was, he was too caught up in being told he wasn’t supposed to feel to react positively.
But, for some reason, their reunion had struck him in a way Ienzo hadn’t expected.
It had been filed away as a reaction to reuniting with Ansem, something that could easily be lost in the guilt, sadness and joy he felt in seeing the older man he’d helped betray so many years ago. Yet underneath all that had been something different, something Ienzo didn’t know or really understand, either at the time or now, confused by the way he felt somewhat excited? Happy? Whenever the blonde appeared and why he felt almost lost when he left again.
Ienzo flinches at the nip of pain in his neck as the picking goes too far, glaring at his hand like it had betrayed him, inspecting his nails for signs of blood before relaxing somewhat, now making a conscious effort to not let his left hand stray too close to his scar again.
Maybe this was all nothing, he tells himself, sighing as he plays with his fingers, feeling the anxiety creepy back in to haunt his night once more, nothing but another extension of a simple feeling of gratitude towards the musician for bringing Ansem home, an over exertion of how he’s not sure how to feel most of the time, leading his brain to kick into a stupor of an auto pilot.
Who would he even ask advice from? The idea of asking Aeleus, Dilan and Ansem makes him laugh, hands covering his mouth to dampen the noise from ringing out into an all too silent castle, it bubbling at the idea of asking Lea and all but boiling and spewing forth at the idea of asking Demyx himself the next time the blonde swung by for reasons that always escaped Ienzo and, perhaps, would continue to do so.
Ask a nobody why he felt the way he did, as if he’d get a clearer answer as to why e felt so weird whenever Demyx showed from a being who, by all logics sense, has no heart.
Maybe that was his issue, maybe he’s thinking about things too methodically, perhaps its better to let things just flow like the very water Demyx was so entuned to. He’s not a Nobody anymore, he’s human, why not behave like one? Those he encountered seem to operate like that, Sora never seemed to over think things and he’d managed fine so far, carefree and able to fly with his thoughts like a bird, no need to sit and contemplate what he was thinking for what seemed like an eternity just because someone made him feel happy.
“You like me? Oh…Oh my god Ienzo, you can’t just say that!”
But he’d laughed when he’d said it, nothing malicious in it and yet…and yet it still stung for reasons unknown to him or, rather, reasons he’d just ignored for his own wellbeing. Maybe he should try again, be more firm with it, hide the waver in his voice more like he was spilling some dirty secret, confessing to something he should be ashamed of. Maybe he should push past the anxiety clouding his judgement, just be the 19-year-old he was supposed to be instead of a nervous child.
Maybe.
Maybe not.