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the night before had been a blur of taxis, hotel rooms and cheap food brought on a rolling table. namjoon hadn't gotten much sleep on the plane, due to turbulence, and, having woken up at two in the morning to catch said flight left him half asleep (or half dead.)
his heart felt heavy in his chest, it always did when he had to leave jeongguk behind. the younger boy couldn't afford to miss school so close to his graduation, and namjoon didn't want to make him. still, it was tough.
namjoon always tried to be quiet as he left at ungodly hours of the morning, but somehow not telling jeongguk he was going seemed even more harsh. plus, jeongguk would always wake up, anyways.
"leaving already?" jeongguk had mumbled, voice raspy with sleep, stirring where he was lying in their bed.
namjoon turned from where he was collecting his suitcases, guilty expression on his face. "yeah, i'm sorry, ggukie."
"don't want you to leave," jeongguk muttered, rose lips curved down in a frown. namjoon wished he didn't have to go, always wished he could have another day to just cuddle with him, buy him snacks, watch movies. every time they had to part, namjoon would think it would get easier, but it never does. it always makes him want to just tell his manager lets wait another week, or push tour dates or anything, but. he always ends up leaving.
namjoon and the others are going to japan for a tour, and is only getting back to korea after four months. but four months can feel like forever when jeongguk isn't by his side.
"i know, i know." namjoon paced over to the side of the bed, hooking his arms behind jeongguk's neck, peppering kisses all over his face. "it'll be over before you know it, and we can watch a iron man movie marathon, okay?"
jeongguk giggled, despite the pain in his chest, "i'm holding you to that, joonie."
"okay, baby."
jeongguk sighed quietly, pressing their foreheads together, closing his eyes. "stay a little longer? reschedule a flight to later today and lets go back to slee-"
"you know i can't do that, gguk," namjoon muttered sadly, "i wish i could, you know that. we've gone longer."
it's true, they've gone for at least a year, while namjoon was on his world tour a year or so back, but it was probably the lowest jeongguk had ever felt in this life.
"i know.." jeongguk hums. "just don't go falling for someone else when you're gone."
namjoon sighs. that statement is a reoccuring one. one that jeongguk says with a little chuckle, but quite means. being away for so long at a time, the distance can make them insecure. namjoon often thinks that he's too busy, too stressed, never makes time for jeongguk. and feels.. guilty. thinks jeongguk will eventually have enough, will leave him. and he probably deserved that.
"of course i won't, gguk. i love you more than the moon, the stars and the whole universe. you're my universe, dang." namjoon recites part of his verse in one of his songs. all of them were written about jeongguk, not that anyone had to know. it's enough that jeongguk does.
"love you too," jeongguk whispered, not trusting his voice as it trembled.
namjoon holds jeongguk's cheeks, gently rubbing the apple of his cheek with his thumb. he glaces down to jeongguk's lips, and back up to his doe eyes. "love you so much, gguk." he presses their lips together, saying hello, i love you, i need you, goodbye; all in one. jeongguk kisses back immediately, not hard or rough but passionate, hands resting on his shoulders.
when namjoon parted jeongguk's leaning, chasing his lips, his kiss, his love. "bye, jeongguk."
"bye," he choked.
__
when namjoon wakes up in the morning he's in osaka. he's in a luxury hotel, and all he can feel in the cold side of the bed beside him. he can't smell jeongguk and his perfect mix of vanilla and peppermint. he misses how soft raven tufts of hair would tickle his nose, how he'd cuddle him awake, and they'd talk about nothing and everything at the same time.
namjoon sat up in the bed, checking the time, good thing japan and korea's time zones were the same, that made texting, calls and video chats a whole heck of a lot easier.
his phone reads, 7:32 a.m.
his schedule was long, and the days coming would all be the same, jam packed with rehearsals, lessons, meetings, promotions, fan greets you name it, they're going to have to do it.
so, the tour begins. the stadium is loud, cheers and screams echoing off the walls. as namjoon looks beside him, to the two boys jumping and rapping and living, he remembers why he does what he does.
the rush of adrenaline, the sweat as it rolls down his temple, the sweat of an amazing concert. perhaps, the best day of a fans life. letting his words, his voice be heard.
the lyrics he writes touch people, and they can relate to them, and this is why he's an idol. he was made for it.
hoseok and yoongi are his members, his brothers. they all perform together, they write together, they cry together. he can't give this up. jeongguk understands that. he's never so much as implied that namjoon should leave the group for him. he's always worrying he's a burden, holding namjoon back. that's hardly the case. if namjoon didn't have him in his life, who would he write his love songs about?
__
everyday is different. some days, namjoon feels fine. he feels energized, ready to work and to take on the day.
on others, he can barely get himself out of bed. he stares up at the ceiling and contemplates quitting. hopping on the next available flight and going back to the love of his life.
sometimes, he can feel numb, barely present. like he's just living in auto-pilot. hoseok and yoongi are supportive, and his manager would give him a little break. sometimes it doesn't feel like he's living, only just surviving.
as of now, it's been three months in away from his muse. he's just come home from a concert, has done the usual things like showered and changed, and realistically should be getting some sleep, but him and jeongguk hadn't gotten to do anything other than text for the past little while, and namjoon was really missing his voice.
so, there he was, hair wet from freshly washing it, lying on his back as he dialed jeongguk's phone number. it was one in the morning, but namjoon knew jeongguk would pick up.
after three rings, jeongguk's low voice rumbled through the phone. "hey, hyung."
"ggukie, hey. how're you doing?"
"pretty good.. 's final season so 'm kinda stressed. wish you were here with me."
namjoon smiles sadly to himself, "only a month left, baby, i'll be back really soon."
"i know, i've been keeping track." of course he was.
"i love you so damn much, gguk."
"love you 3000."
namjoon giggles, thinking about jeongguk's not so small iron man obsession. "love you 3000."
jeongguk pauses for a moment, and namjoon hears ruffling of sheets before all the loud sound stops. "so, how has your concerts been going? how're hoseok and yoongi?"
"the boys are good, probably sleeping. the concerts have been going great, i really really like how the light sticks change color now. the stadium always looks so pretty."
"that sounds so amazing. i wish i could be there." namjoon can practically hear the pout in his voice.
"maybe after your finals? i can get you a flight, or something."
"i wish, i just have so much school.. i'm almost done, though. and, you're going to be back soon enough."
namjoon frowns. he doesn't blame jeongguk, not at all. he has his priorities just like namjoon does himself. still doesn't stop the disappointment. "okay, baby, that's alright."
"i'm sorry, joonie."
"'s not your fault. don't worry, really."
a quiet sigh fills the silence, and namjoon feels his heart sink. he doesn't like jeongguk feeling guilty, like he should just give up all of his studies to go abroad with him.
"did you already listen to IU's new song?" namjoon asks, filling the new found silence.
"yes!! it was so amazing, she never fails to impress. swear, it's soty quality."
namjoon chuckles. sometimes with the way he talks about jieun makes him think he'd get dumped for her the first chance jeongguk got. probably.
for the remainder of the call they just discuss small talk, just like they would as they tried to fall asleep whilst together. but, it was just never the same. he wanted not only to hear his voice but to see his voice, and to hold him and just be with him. when they get to sleepy to continue the chat it's been well over two hours, and that heavy feeling in his chest.
"it was nice hearing your voice again, joonie."
"yeah. sorry for not being able to call for so long."
"it's okay. you're busy, i get it."
"love and miss you so much."
"love you right back."
"now get some sleep, i'll see you in no time."
"good night, joonie."
"good night."
and the line dies.
__
today namjoon doesn't feel right. he just woken up, today in tokyo, with such an empty feeling his heart, and he instantly wanted to talk to jeongguk. he knew that he would already be getting ready for school, if not already on the bus, but he sends a message anyways.
TO: ggukie
me:
good morning gguk, hyung loves you.
gguk:
miss and love you so much
me:
ill see you soon baby
gguk:
see you soon
it's times like these that namjoon questions his career choice. sometimes he feels so trapped, like he's being choked by his own decisions. by his prides and his hobbies and his job and he doesn't know what to do about it. regrets his choices. maybe he shouldn't have been an rapper. maybe if he just chose to go to college, and be a doctor like his parents had wanted him to. maybe jeongguk would have been happier.
sometimes his self doubt can get so loud he just has to stop. take off the headphones, close his laptop. he just has to go out, he feels so damn trapped. he can't breathe.
and then jeongguk calls him. and, it's all okay again. because they love each other. and it's hard, really hard. but they make it work. they have to. because this, no matter how flawed, is love.