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It was an open secret within the ranks of the company, how SM liked to show blatant favouritism towards some of its artists, while completely disregarding the rest.
And while most outsiders, given a choice, would recognise the former as the better part of the deal; an employee of the company would refuse to answer. Claiming to be ill equipped to answer such a tricky question at such short notice.
The question of which one of the two sides was better could spark a debate that could last well over a month.
Being the most favorite was all fun and rainbows until you got thrown into a million subunits, having multiple comebacks in the span of months, milked to the very last drop until you passed out of exhaustion.
But Mark lee was absolutely fully capable, so he powered through.
A comeback right after an international tour? Been there.
Multiple comebacks a year? Done that.
It was a wonder how he didn’t faint out of exhaustion three times a day. But come to think of it, that was probably more to the credit of his members, who occasionally (READ: constantly) doubled as his caretakers, than himself. Their joint efforts were what kept him alive and healthy for this long. Literally.
Because contrary to what he liked to believe, Mark lee was absolutely fully INcapable of doing anything that involved taking care of himself.
And so, the members took over that duty — slipping him a water bottle even before he himself could realize the parched state of his throat, wordlessly handing him pain relief patches when he winces even a little during dance practice, staying back with him whenever he's having trouble getting a certain move right, hand feeding him tiny bites of his favorite food when mark’s too in over his head, brainstorming lyrics for their next comeback — giving him anything and everything he needed before the thought even crossed him.
Really, no one could blame him for catching feelings; not with the way they treated him.
He wonders what his parents would think if they knew that their son was gay and in love; with seventeen boys no less. He had always strived to be the best version of himself, to make everyone proud of him, and he had succeeded. He wondered how that would change if he revealed his feelings.
Sometimes he thought the members returned his feelings, their actions crossing the line where platonic love blossomed into something more, something beautiful, a bud of hope sprouting in his chest before it shrivels away, without getting a chance to bloom.
He was hoping for too much.
There was no way all eighteen of them felt the same way about each other, and Mark couldn't bear to entertain the idea of forgetting his feelings for any of them, in the unlikely event that some of them did return his feelings.
He had grown so accustomed to the joy, the fondness, the longing; that he didn't think he could function without it anymore.
He had grown attached to the feelings that lingered, filling the up void in his chest when he could no longer pretend that everything was fine.
He had started associating the pain of heartbreak with a sense of comfort. His only companion when he couldn't handle it any longer
He couldn't take the gamble of confessing. The stakes were too high. Not even the tempting prospect of his feelings being reciprocated was worth the risk of losing one of them.
He didn’t think he could handle it if any of them turned their back to him. Sometimes, they were the only things that kept him going. He had grown an unhealthy dependence on them, he wouldn't know what to do with himself if they left him.
So, he just chose to bottle up his feelings. Held them close to his heart, cherished them, nurtured them, protected them; watched them grow, budding beautifully, blooming under the affection and love he was innocently given.
He kept them to himself, unsure if anyone would appreciate their beauty as much as he did. No matter how many mixed signals he received, he would not break.
There was only one way to get out of this unscathed. He was sure of it
____
The members were acting suspicious.
He could tell that they were planning something, and he had an inkling to what it was about.
It was Mark's birthday, and he was yet to be wished by any of them.
He knew what was coming, and he wanted to tell them that it was fine, that they didn’t have to go out of their way, planning something elaborate.
But he also knew that his words would have little to no influence on them.
Things would carry out according to plan, whether Mark wanted them to or not.
So, he shut up.
Besides, it was amusing watching the members panic whenever Yukhei so much as breathed in his direction, rushing in to distract him before dragging a confused Yukhei away, whispering furiously.
They thought they were being subtle. How adorable.
So Mark played along, holding back a quip, when Johnny asked him to accompany him to the gym, to look for his ‘lost phone’, even though he could see it in his pocket, the indentation of it clearly visible through the thin material of his joggers.
When Johnny came back out of the locker room, some fifteen minutes or so later, claiming that he had it in his pocket all along and had forgotten to check it, pretending to be shocked; Mark struggled to keep his smile in check, barely keeping himself from pointing out that he had been typing away furiously on his phone, glancing at Yuta across the practice room, before he was recruited to be the distraction.
The walk back to the dorms was silent, but comfortable, Drowning in their thoughts, each their own, the company an appreciated bonus.
Mark had never really comprehended how silence could be risky and unpredictable when alone, but so peaceful and fulfilling in the presence of the right person.
He spent this time trying to guess what new elaborate scheme the members had cooked up this time around.
The last time they had bought fake snow machines into the living room, all because mark had mentioned missing Canada in passing. The clean-up was nightmarishly horrible, but it had been worth it in the end.
When Chenle blabbered to him later- cuddled into his side, excitedly describing each step of their plans in excruciating detail -about how it was Taeyongs idea, how Yuta, Taeil and Jaehyun were in charge of booking the rental machines, how Dongyoung and Donghyuck were on snack prep duties, how all of them contributed to make Marks’s birthday special, he felt his heart warm.
He really, really did love them.
[ “Hyung hyung hyung the dealer bailed on us last minute because someone offered them a better price,, can you believe it?!! but luckily my cousin was coming to visit me from China, so I told him to bring mine from back home!”
Mark didnt bother asking why Chenle had four fake snow machines just lying around at his house back in china. ]
____
The boys had outdone themselves.
It was simple really, nothing like last time. They had pushed back all the furniture in the living room to the four corners by the walls, the space between them covered with all of their extra comforters, so soft that he could hardly feel the ground below.
A ‘cuddle party/movie marathon’ they had announced excitedly, crowding around and throwing themselves at him in the doorway. He was lucky that Johnny was right behind him or else they would’ve all been sprawled on top of him, right in the middle of the hallway. Also, Johnny’s chest was kinda really nice and warm, yeah.
He didn’t know how they knew exactly what to do to turn him into a mushy pile of gooey feelings, but he loved it all the same.
They had bought alcohol and apple juice- to wind down they explained- even though they knew that by the end of the night both Chenle and Jisung will have stolen more than a few sips from the other members, with or without their knowledge.
He is cuddled into Donghyuck’s side, on the couch directly opposite to the tv that is playing the second movie of the night.
Mark knew it was a bad idea to lose track of his drinking, but he couldn’t help it. Besides, they all were, so he didn’t see a reason why he should hold himself back. And besides, he more than trusted them to keep him from doing something stupid.
Watching all the members crowded around the living room, huddled close, being all soft and cuddly had just brought back all the thoughts that mark was trying to suppress.
The restrained emotional and physical exhaustion slowly trickled out, building up,
weighed him down; and so, he drank; feeling his troublesome emotions retreat to the back of his mind, the tension bleeding out of his shoulders until he was left boneless.
Mark knew it was a bad idea to get drunk in general, but it was a downright horrible idea to get drunk when he’d been stewing in his feelings not too long ago, the emotional turmoil still fresh, waiting for an outlet to be let out.
The sight of Jisung and Chenle crawling their way over to Taeyong to curl at his feet, nuzzling at him for affection, served to be that outlet.
Mark wasn't even sure why the sight affected him so much, but it did.
The dam was breaking, and there was nothing he could do about it.
____
Mark rubbed at his eyes, head nestled on Donghyuck’s thigh in the low lighting of the living room.
He had long since lost the ability to control his actions.
The third movie of the night droned on in the background, masking his sniffles as he tried to hide his tears behind the paws of his (Jaehyun’s) large sweatshirt.
Although, he probably didn’t do that great of a job at hiding it, if the way Donghyuck kept glancing down at him every few seconds was anything to go by.
“Look.. I know Marley and me is a sad movie,” he starts tentatively, hand scratching behind his ear, as if trying to coax him out of his thoughts, “but we aren’t even close to the sad parts yet… why're you crying Mark?”
His gentle tone prompts mark to turn his teary eyes up towards him, and he sees the exact moment when the concern in his eyes skyrockets.
Mark just shakes his head at him and moves to burrow back into the pillowy softness of his lap, but Donghyuck moves faster, gripping his shoulder, preventing him from looking away.
“What's wrong Markkeuri?” he asks, voice soft, underlying concern barely masked.
With nowhere left to hide, Mark turns his watery eyes back up to him. He sees the genuine open-ness in his eyes, the way his lips are downturned into a small pout, looking at him like a puppy who had been told that he wasn’t good enough.
That just wouldn’t do.
“I just…” he starts uncertain where he’s going to go with this. “I didn't get the present I had wished for..” is what he settles for finally, whispering as his eyes well up all over again, the pout seeping into his voice.
Mark’s watches as the confusion spreads over his face and takes the moment to appreciate how open Donghyuck is with his reactions when he’s drunk.
“What did you want then baby?” a voice rings out suddenly, from all the way across the room and Mark jumps, eyes widening when he sees Taeil- no everyone looking at him with various degrees of confusion. He hadn’t even realized when all of them had turned their attention to him.
A sudden hopefulness rises steadily over the initial shock. The members had never denied him of anything he had asked for.
He looks down, trying to hide the starry hopeful look in his eyes, blushing a little when he thinks about what he’s about to say.
“Kisses” he whispers softly, into the fabric of his sweatshirt.
He feels Donghyuck freezing up beside him, but before he can dwell on it another voice pierces through the room.
“Can you repeat that a little louder for us baby?” he can’t decipher the exact tone of Johnny’s voice but yeah, he can sure as hell do that.
“Kisses” he repeats, more firmly this time, “I want kisses.”
The sound of multiple sharp intakes of breath fills the room, and mark ducks his head back down, previous embarrassment returning.
The silence is stifling, and Mark doesn’t know what to do with his limbs. He's biting his lips raw, suddenly unsure of himself, when Jungwoo’s soft voice breaks him out of his downward spiral.
“From whom?” the question is loaded, but it is simple.
Mark doesn’t have to think to answer it; the answer is obvious.
“From all of you.” Mark can’t tell how, when or why, but the air in the room suddenly shifts.
Yukhei lets out a choked sob, throwing himself at Mark, crying into his lap.
“W-wait r-really?” Donghyuck asks, moving to crouch by Yukhei’s hunched form, rubbing his back trying to calm him down while still looking at Mark with his wide expectant eyes. He look like he can't decide whether to comfort Yukhei or to join him to cry in Marks's lap.
Mark is still reeling at the turn of events, the alcohol not making it any easier for his already muddled brain, so he’s thankful when Renjun silently slips into the space between the two teary boys on the ground by Mark's feet. He pets them, whispering soft comforting words, in his honey-like voice flowing over their ears, alternating between chinese and korean.
He looks up mid-sentence, catching Mark's eye, and lets a breathtaking smile spread across his features.
Mark gasps a little.
“Same, dude.” Jeno snorts, sliding into the space Donghyuck had just recently unoccupied, “same.”
Jaemin nods, sagely, joining them on Mark's other side, hand automatically finding its way to the top of Hyuck’s fluffy head, running his fingers through his hair.
Yuta, who had been silently watching the events unfold from his spot on the couch across from them, raises a brow.
“Sooooo,” he starts, “are we going to kiss him, or what?”
“HYUNG!!” Dongyoung lets out a scandalised gasp beside him, extending his arm to slap Yuta’s shoulder.”SHUT UP!!”
Jaehyuns smiles drunkenly over Dongyoung’s shoulder, chin resting on it, practically draped over his back
“He's not wrong you know?" Johnny comments, trying to hide a smile at the way Taeyong had hurriedly tried to cover both Chenle and Jisung's ears, in an effort to preserve their innocence.
“Hyuuuunng!” Dongyoung whines, “you always argue against me..” he says, pouting up at him.
Jungwoo coos at him from where he's smothering a beyond flustered Sicheng with all his love and affection.
Dongyoung sends him a dirty look.
Ten cackles making a comment about how he looks like an angry bunny.
Everyone laughs in agreement.
Dongyoung redirects his dirty look at ten. "You’re on thin fucking ice Chittaphon.” he says, glare in full force, making ten cackle even louder, reaching out to ruffle his hair.
“…soo,” Yuta starts again, “whose gonna go-”
But before Yuta can finish his sentence, Jaemin is already reaching out, winding an arm around Mark's neck, pulling him closer until their lips meet.
He moves, placing his hands on Mark's thigh, groaning low in his throat at the way Mark melts into him.
Mark parts his lips, pulling Jaemin’s bottom lip between his teeth, and Jaemin gasps, the hand placed in Donghyuck’s hair clenching involuntarily, pulling a surprised moan from him.
Donghyuck’s mouth drops open, another delicate whimper escaping his lips, when Yukhei's large palm suddenly grabs his thigh, eyes wide, gaping up at the sight before him.
But Renjun is quick to silence him, reaching out to tilt his face towards himself, crashing their lips together, swallowing the rest of his pretty sounds.
Jeno quickly moves out of the way, settling himself comfortably in Yukhei’s lap, when Jaemin begins leaning in, gently pushing Mark onto his back.
Yukhei diverts his wide-eyed stare to him.
He meets his gaze, eyes hooded with a kind of intensity that makes Yukhei avert his eyes, blush rising on his cheeks.
Jeno smiles down fondly at Yukhei's reaction, pulling him close by his chin, to plant a cheeky little peck on the unbearably precious scrunch on yukheis nose.
He pulls back, smirking at the way Yukhei's blush had intensified, before surging forward, catching Yukhei’s rapidly forming pout between his own lips..
Yukhei melts under his touch, letting out a tiny sound in the back of his throat as Jeno nips at his bottom lip, tugging it back into his mouth, tongue gliding over it soothingly.
A loud moan cuts through the muted droning of the long forgotten movie.
Dongyoung is now draped over the arm of the couch, Ten seated firmly on top of his waist, grinding purposefully to the sound of his stuttered moans,
He mouths at Dongyoung’s neck, lips creating art over the pale expanse of his neck, hips slowing down to a sway, circling in a way that makes their toes curl.
Doyoung’s face contorts in pleasure, hands curling around Ten’s waist in a bruising grip, another wave musical moans filling the air.
A few feet away; Jaehyun, Sicheng, Jungwoo and Yuta had formed an impressive make out circle- lips fluttering, taking turns mapping out each other's mouths; hands everywhere all at once, like they couldn't get enough of the feeling of being pressed against each other.
Taeyong's valiant efforts at preserving Chenle and Jisung’s innocence were somewhat doomed since the beginning, and he accepts it, with his lapful of flushed, blushing maknae- Jisung presses his burning face deeper into the crook of Taeyong’s neck, while Chenle tries to bury himself into Taeyong’s body, peeking curiously at the display through his fingers.
Taeyong sends a pleading look Johnny's way, eyes begging to help him out of his misery.
Johnny just shrugs leaning back into the bean bag, throwing an arm over Taeil, who was curled up on top of him, caressing his sides.
A loud yawn echoes through the room, cutting through the obscene noises, interrupting Taeyong before he can turn to beg for Kun's assistance.
Everyone pauses, turning simultaneously towards the source of the yawn.
(Taeyong sighs a breath of relief.)
The sight that greets them was capable of scoring a solid 9 on Donghyuck’s aegyo rating scale; meaning- absolutely lethal to anyone who witnesses it.
[Donghyuck claimed to be the only one capable of achieving a full 10, as the most adorable human in existence, (chenle being the only exception to the rules,,, Donghyuck’s own words). Everyone else just rolled with it, secretly agreeing.]
Mark was beginning to curl in on himself, balled up fists rubbing tiredly at his bleary eyes, lips pulled into a small pout.
“Okay,” Taeyong moves to stand up, shifting the drowsy maknaes over to Kuns care.
“That’s enough celebration for the day.” Taeyong says, voice ringing with an air of finality, shutting down any protests.
He moves across the room, a large garbage bag clutched in his hands. He’s bending down to pick up the stray wrappers by the couch when Mark speaks up.
“But hyuungg…,” he whines, his pout progressively deepening, the longer he tries to keep himself awake; “I haven't gotten all my kisses yet..”
Multiple pairs of wide pleading eyes turn to look at Taeyong, directing their puppy eyes at him in full force.
And Taeyong falters, because he is a weak, weak man, his resolve crumbling under the weight of their hopeful gaze.
“Alright fine..” he sighs, resigned; eyes refusing to look at Kun, who is sending him a knowing look from across the room. “You get your kisses, and then we all go to sleep, alright? No more funny business.”
Taeyong tries to will his rising blush away when Mark sways forward, hugging his lower waist tightly, head burrowing into his stomach.
He meets Kuns eyes again, hands hovering uselessly, and something in Kuns smile tells him that he knows exactly what Taeyong’s going through, so he smiles back, ducking his head shyly, hands fumbling to set down the garbage bag in his hands, moving instead to stroke marks head, the other hand winding around his back, thumb tracing patterns on his shoulder.
One by one, the rest of the boys crowd around them taking their turns at showering Mark with affection.
Taeyong pulls away from them quietly, turning back to the abandoned garbage bag, refusing when Sicheng asks him if he wants any help.
Mark’s cheeks hurt from the face splitting grin that had made permanent residence on his face,
smile growing brighter, with every little peck to his forehead, his cheek, his nose, his lips. Some shy and tentative, some passionate and lingering.
Mark feels the tension drain out of him, relaxing a little more into Jaehyun’s chest, underlying exhaustion vanishing as if it never existed in the first place.
They had somehow found themselves in the middle of their cuddle yard, an endless tangle of limbs.
Mark wouldn't choose to be anywhere else; There's no place he’d rather be.
He feels the warmth seeping into him, as one by one they settle into comfortable positions, curling around each other, letting their eyes fall shut, finally succumbing to sleep.
By the time Taeyong is done tidying up, everyone has already fallen asleep.
Everyone except mark.
Taeyong eyes him from where he's fishing for the remote to turn off the tv.
Mark is sitting in the middle of the giant cuddle pile, a far off look on his face
Wiping off his hands on his pajama bottoms, Taeyong settles into the small human sized space that Dongyoung appears to have saved for him.
He leans down to plant a small appreciative peck on a sleeping Dongyoung’s forehead, heart warming at the way he scrunches his nose up in his sleep.
When he turns back around to face Mark, he is already looking at him, staring at him expectantly with his wide hopeful eyes.
Taeyong lifts his hands, palms reaching out to cup marks cheeks, a soft smile spreading over his face.
Mark melts into the touch, eyes fluttering shut, nuzzling gently against Taeyong’s palm.
“I love you.” Taeyong whispers quietly, voice breaking through the soft sounds of breathing.
Mark's breath hitches, eyes snapping back open in an instant, looking at him, searching for something on his face.
“We love you.” Taeyong corrects, smile turning a little lopsided when marks eyes well up with tears.
He leans forward, softly pecking over each of Mark's eyelids, before moving back in, to seal Mark’s quivering lips with his own.
The kiss is soft, marks lips pliant against his own, more a gentle press of lips than anything.
Mark's hands reach out, finding purchase on Taeyong’s chest.
He lets out a breathy little sound, at the back of his throat, clenching the fabric of his shirt between his fingers, tugging hard enough that a button pops off, and Taeyong can't stop the helpless little giggle that bubbles out his chest..
Mark pulls back slightly, a frown overtaking his features, and is greeted by the sight of Taeyong grinning cheekily at him.
And wow that smile could probably restore world peace.
Mark’s expression falters, as he struggles to keep his own answering smile at bay.
He huffs when Taeyongs smile widens knowingly, rolling his eyes before, tilting his head to the side, slotting their lips back together.
He presses hard against Taeyongs lips, feeling his smile slowly melt off as he loses himself to the kiss.
Taeyongs heart threatens to beat out of his chest when Mark parts his lips tentatively, his lips trapping Taeyong's bottom lip between his own, sucking on it slightly, leaving them both breathless.
They finally pull back after a while, leaning in to press their foreheads together, harsh panting drowning out the sounds of breathing in the otherwise silent room.
It seems surreal how just the other day, Mark had cried himself to sleep, soaking his pillow with tears, thinking about the inevitable rejection that he thought he would face if he dared to act on his feelings.
All those fears of abandonment and unrequited love seem so distant now, as he feels Taeyong’s chest move underneath his palm, gentle and soothing as a lullaby.
The lingering doubts and insecurities melting away, as he listens to the steady lull of their combined heartbeats; no match for the overwhelming surge of emotions that came with the knowledge that his feelings were reciprocated.
He felt powerful; like nothing could touch him in this moment. Experiencing a new kind of strength that came with being young and in love.
Mark hadn’t felt this happy and content in years.
The sight that greets Taeyong when he finally manages to pry his eyes open, takes his breath away, burning itself into the back of his memories.
He couldn't stop the coo from escaping his lips, even if he tried.
“Goodnight, baby..” he smiles, brushing the pads of his thumb against the softness of Mark's cheek.
“Happy birthday” he whispers, gazing fondly at the soft open expression on Mark's sleeping face.
He had fallen asleep, his head nestled comfortably where it was cupped in Taeyong’s hands, cheeks squishing against the side of his palm.
Taeyong gently lays marks down, smiling when he sighs in his sleep; and turns to lay down himself, eyes closing on their own accord.
He feels the buzzing in his head get softer, a peaceful haze settling over him. At least until Dongyoung groans beside him, flipping onto his side and throwing all of his limbs over Taeyong’s body.
Taeyong squeezes Dongyoung’s form to his chest, in retaliation; huffing when Dongyoung just cuddles closer, tucking his head under Taeyong’s chin.
Taeyong sighs in resignation, before closing his eyes, giving into the sleep tugging behind his eyelids, pressing his soft fond smile into Dongyoung’s hair.
___________
They all have a gathering again in the very same living room, a week or so after meeting the three new members in the final lineup for their highly anticipated china line, to throw a pity party for their stupid useless feelings.
What they did not know, however, was that their dear darling Xuxi had already spilled the plans to those three. So when Dejun, Kunhang, and Yangyang show up at the door halfway into the first movie, everyone's heads already pleasantly buzzing, all chaos ensues.
(who knew that Dejun, Kunhang, and Yangyang could be more confident than all eighteen of them combined)