Work Text:
Barbara waited outside the door, her folder of papers clutched to her chest. Slowly, carefully, she pulled a full breath into her lungs. It felt like she had been underwater for hours and this was her first real oxygen. She could do this. She could. Before she could change her mind, she knocked on the door.
“Come in.”
Barbara straightened her glasses. She twisted her chair around so that she could push the door open.
The moment Bruce saw her he was on his feet. She hated needing his help with the door but she accepted it.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized smoothly. “I didn’t realize it was you or I would have…” he paused, tilting his head to the side to study her. “My calendar says I’m supposed to be meeting with Lucius Fox right now.”
“Bruce I have been hacking into Wayne tech computers since I was sixteen,” she sighed, cutting him off. “And so I hacked into your schedule and put myself in it.”
“Under Lucius Fox’s name?” Bruce asked, still looking more confused than annoyed. Which was good.
“I had to make sure you’d see me.”
“Barbara, of course I would see you. I’m just surprised at your choice of venue.” He moved so that he was leaning against his desk, giving her his full attention. “What do you need?”
Instead of trusting her words, Barbara handed Bruce the folder. He eyed her cautiously before opening it, taking his time to read over the various documents she had prepared. Bruce remained quiet the entire time he read, his face a carefully constructed mask of neutrality. When he was done, he set the folder down, leaving it open on the desk beside him.
“You want to adopt Cassandra,” he said simply. Barbara felt like his eyes were trying to break her down into her smallest parts.
“I know she’s been staying in the manner, but there is room at the Clock Tower. And I know I’m only twenty-one but you were only a few years older when you adopted – ” she stopped, her heart slamming into her chest. She hadn’t meant to say that – hadn’t meant to use the word adopted not when it came to Dick – because she knew that had created all kinds of problems. Bruce hadn’t adopted anyone until he was in his thirties and Dick as Robin had asked can we keep him about the little boy trying to jack the tires off the Batmobile.
“I…” she stammered. “I’m sorry… I – ”
“I was twenty-eight when Dick came to live with me,” Bruce interrupted, the slightest hint of emotion flashing through his eyes.
The two of them did not do this. They didn’t really talk much when not in uniform, and then it was mostly over comms. Not after Bruce had told her to stop looking for Dick, and she had ignored him. Not since she had been shot and he couldn’t help but look guilty whenever he saw her.
Or since he’d had the Clock Tower renovated and given it to her. Because even though they didn’t talk about it – Bruce still blamed himself for her being shot and like all rich boys his first response was to throw money at a problem. Not that Barbara minded having a place to live and continue her work.
“I can see you’ve put a lot of thought into this,” Bruce said, breaking the horribly uncomfortable silence that had fallen between them.
“I have,” Barbara agreed, refusing to be the one to look away. “With the money I make from the library, and from the independent contracting I do, I have plenty of money to support the two of us. I know the plan is to enroll her in classes next semester, but I think we should wait on traditional school. We both know Gotham Academy isn’t always the best place for students in need of differentiation.”
Barbara couldn’t stop herself from touching the mental bruises; there was no doubt in her mind Bruce was now thinking about how the prestigious Gotham Academy had struggled to accommodate Dick’s dyslexia. Or how all their posh counselors hadn’t known what to do with Jason’s trauma and misplaced anger. It was a phenomenal school to be sure – but it wasn’t always the best school given the circumstances.
“But I was thinking,” Barbara continued, “I’d like to get her enrolled in some dance classes. Tim showed her how to find videos on YouTube and she’s been watching ballet clips pretty much nonstop.” She didn’t add that Cass had also gone exploring through Barbara’s boxed up memories and found the one pair of pointe shoes that she had saved in a memory box with dried flowers and pleaded with Barbara until she’d shown her pictures and old clips of her dancing days.
“Dance can be expensive,” Bruce noted, his eyes finally dropping back to the folder. “And so can private tutors.”
“I’m well aware that having a child is expensive Bruce.”
“And you’re still attending classes yourself,” he pointed out needlessly, now avoiding her gaze. “Taking care of a child, even a young teenager is a lot of work. I know you want to continue her other training as well. But there’s the feeding and the emotional work as well.”
“I can handle it,” Barbara said, her chest feeling tight. She had known he was going to fight her.
“Can you?”
“Of course I can,” she bit back, her hands clenched into fists. “Bruce, I helped her find a name. She came to me first, and – ”
“I wasn’t ready.” His voice came out so quietly, Barbara would have sworn she’d imagined it if not for the way he was looking at her now. “I was twenty-eight Barbara, and I had no idea what I was doing.”
“ You…”
“Dick was…a lot. He had so much energy and I had no idea what to do with that. He used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming – and every time he did, my heart would break for him a little more. And then there were the panic attacks. I spent weeks talking to different experts after he’d made himself pass out because of them.”
“I know,” Barbara whispered. “I remember some of those.”
Bruce nodded at her carefully, looking every one of his forty years. “You were always good at talking him through those.”
Not good enough , she wanted to say, because he had still left. Despite Bruce’s reassurances that Dick was more than likely still alive, his absence haunted them.
“And even though I had done it before, it was so different with Jason.”
Barbara tried hard to keep her breathing steady. Bruce rarely mentioned Jason, and almost never by name. Four years hadn’t healed that wound.
“Do you know why I didn’t adopt Dick?” he asked.
Barbara didn’t know what she thought he was going to say when she came here today – but that certainly was not it. She shook her head, suddenly unable to swallow past the lump in her throat.
“Because he had a family,” Bruce said, anxiously running a hand through his hair. “He had a good family who loved him so completely. He was nine , old enough to remember what it was like and I…” he turned away from her, his eyes narrowing. “I knew, even then, that I was going to mess things up. At nine years old, everything he had ever known was being taken from him. I wouldn’t take his family’s name too.”
“Did you…” Barbara coughed lightly, her mouth opening to ask what she knew she didn’t have a right to. “Did you ever tell him that?”
She waited, wondering if Bruce would say something. But he didn’t; instead he turned away, sliding a key from his pocket to unlock his top desk drawer.
He pulled out a folder of his own and handed it to her without comment.
“What is this?” Barbara asked, taking it, but almost afraid to open it.
Cautiously, she laid the folder out on her lap, eyes skimming through all the documents. They were adoption records, several, the newest dated only two days ago.
“You already adopted her,” Barbara whispered, feeling like the air had been stolen from her lungs.
“I had no idea you were looking into it, and with all the extra complications of her being an unaccompanied minor, I didn’t want to risk them trying to send her to a juvenile detention center.”
“Of course I was looking into it!” Barbara nearly shouted. “I want to take care of her. I want Cassandra to have a home and I thought she…”
“I didn’t know, Barbara,” Bruce insisted. “But even if I had, I would have been trying for this same outcome. Being a Wayne will afford Cassandra more opportunities, and furthermore it gives you the freedom to still – ”
“Did you even ask her? ” Barbara demanded, not interested in wherever Bruce thought he was taking this conversation. It wasn’t about her . It wasn’t about Barbara keeping her options open, or not tying herself down, or still healing, or whatever else Bruce or her father or Dinah were going to tell her.
“I did. I did learn something from all those mistakes.” Bruce’s infuriating calm lanced through the storm in her mind. “Cassandra and I talked about this for several hours. It took us a little bit, figuring out how to talk about it, but we did communicate.”
“ Oh. ”
“Do you know what her major concern was?” Bruce asked, his arms crossing over his chest, an almost smile settling over his face.
“Do I want to?”
“You,” Bruce said with a gentle sigh. “She was worried about you.”
“ Me ?”
“Of course,” Bruce nodded. “Mostly about who was going to talk you into leaving your apartment once in a while.”
“I…” Barbara felt lost. She knew she had been staying shut up in her tower ever since she’d moved in, but it had been easier. She could stay out of people’s way – could still be useful without all the pitying looks.
“Tim was there too,” Bruce added softly. “He misses you.”
“I guess I didn’t think…”
“Barbara,” Bruce interrupted. “You know you are still a part of this family. Nothing has changed that.”
She wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or cry. So much had changed in the last year and a half that it was impossible to know where she fit. Batgirl hadn’t been able to fill in the holes left by Nightwing’s absence – and Barbara knew she couldn’t fill in all the empty spaces in Tim’s life no matter how much she tried to be his big sister. She had thought maybe with Cass…
“I can’t use Cassandra to fill in my empty spaces either,” she whispered finally, her eyes finding Bruce’s.
“None of us can,’ he agreed, nodding as he took the folder back from her. “Just like the rest of you, she’s got to figure out what space she wants to occupy and how she wants to fit into our family.”
Barbara began collecting her own papers as well, fully intending on escaping Bruce’s office and his unsettlingly knowing looks as soon as she could.
“Well, I guess – I’m sorry for interrupting your day. I should have…” But Barbara had no idea what she should have done. She was more than halfway to the door, when Bruce’s hand stopped her. It was very clearly pressed into her shoulder and not her chair. Barbara didn’t know if it was intentional, but she appreciated it.
“You should come to dinner at the house tonight,” he said, his voice in full on father mode. “Cass picked everything out. We’re celebrating. I was actually planning on calling you after this.”
Barbara turned to consider him over her shoulder. Bruce often wore a mask. He had learned to keep his emotions away from the surface so that they could never be used against him. But over the years she had learned to read between the lines. She had watched him with Dick and Jason. And now with Tim and Steph and Cass. He was trying and she knew that had to count for something.
“If you’re sure?” she asked, still trying to give him the out, in case he’d really had his heart set on just him and his kids.
“Of course I am,” he replied, eyes still studying her. Whatever he was looking for, Barbara knew he found it when his eyebrows raised together just the smallest bit.
“You know,” he started. “You have always been a part of this family. And…Dick not being here…it doesn’t change that.”
“I know,” she lied. “I’ll be there.”
He stopped her once more as he rushed to get the heavy door. “Barbara Lynn,” he said, surprising her – because she wasn’t aware that Bruce knew her middle name. But of course he did. “You may be Jim Gordon’s daughter, but you will never not be one of my kids.”
Barbara nodded, knowing that whatever words her brain could find they wouldn’t be right. “I’ll see you tonight,” she croaked out, wheeling herself towards the elevator as quickly as she could.
This wasn’t the outcome she had intended. And she wasn’t willing to admit it yet, but a part of her knew it was the right answer. She wasn’t ready to be a mom – and she didn’t know if she would ever be. But she could step up as a big sister – and she would always make sure that all of them, Cass and Tim and Steph too would feel a part of this family – her family.