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“Do you think we could’ve been friends?”
Zuko pauses. His breath stills. His hands grow cold. (He hates the cold.) (It makes him feel weak.)
“I don’t know.”
“Why not?”
“Because I have a duty.”
“Why?”
“It’s none of your business.”
The fire returns on his tongue. He spits anger at the Avatar, because anger is the only thing he’s ever known, or maybe it’s the only thing he remembers, the only thing he’s ever been taught because firebending may come from the breath but it has only ever been red-hot and mad. It licks at his skin and leaves pink-red marks he traces with his fingertips years down the line. His scars never seem to fade.
There’s an arrow protruding from his shoulder. The Avatar drags him back to their camp, heals his friends, makes the waterbender girl tear the arrow out of him, and wraps it in bandages. He screams fury. He tries not to show how afraid he is of the girl. How he knows how vulnerable he is. Maybe she will freeze the other side of his face off. Leave it purple and paralyzed. The poor prince, a face split in half, the product of all the hatred everyone has ever felt towards him. The hatred that he has felt towards himself.
He wants to return to Uncle. The Avatar tells him stories from his childhood, from the Air Nomads. Zuko tries to argue: the Air Nomads were savages, their army was vicious, they attacked the Fire Nation first. The Avatar’s look of hurt was enough to make him falter.
“I don’t understand,” Zuko pleads, because he doesn’t, he doesn’t understand. He knows Azula always lies, but Uncle - Uncle would tell him the truth, and father would take care of him, and his mother would never lie to him, and -
He rides on the back of the sky bison with the Avatar’s team. He claims it’s because he’s too injured. He claims the Avatar has captured him. The Avatar and his friends look on with pity.
The fortune teller cannot look at his face. She screams when his bones are thrown into the pile, and he stumbles outside, eyes stinging with tears. He cannot push the lava back when it threatens to consume the innocent town. He is not powerful enough, and even if he showed what he could do, he would be tortured and killed and his head would be sent to his father.
(He hides in the woods when the Water Tribe children’s friend appears. He tries not to stare at the burn wrapped around his arm too long. It’s lighter than his own. It must’ve been from far way, not up close, not a hand cupping a cheek.)
The Avatar experiences his first pain caused by fire. He swears the element off. Zuko wants to as well. He sees Uncle on a boat with Zhao when they meet the deserter. Zhao calls him a disgrace to the Fire Nation, to his father. Zuko sets his boats ablaze. He meets Uncle’s gaze, and his Uncle nods at him, and he isn’t in much pain any longer, but he boards the sky bison once more.
The weapons for the Fire Nation the Earth Kingdom man is supplying makes him sick. He uses one to slice off his Phoenix Tail, and he helps the Water Tribe boy take down his Nation’s soldiers. He blocks out their screams. (He is a traitor. He is too far gone. So what does it matter anymore?)
No one from the Northern Water Tribe has seen him since he was scarred. According to the Avatar, he is an Earth Kingdom boy, Li, who they picked up along the way. He tries not to show how much the cold affects him. (It makes him feel weak.)
The Northern Water Tribe princess is very beautiful, with silky white-silver hair and blue eyes. She and Sokka hit it off well. She laughs at his jokes, which Zuko always found quite stupid and unappealing. In a brief moment they have together, the princess looks into his eyes (she does not turn away in fear).
“Your eyes are quite golden for an Earth Kingdom boy,” she says gently. He places his hands on the ice railing and lets warmth seep through his palms. The railing drips into the water below. She nods, softly. “You’re safe here,” she murmurs.
“I’m not safe anywhere,” he replies.
“Would you like to be?”
He takes down his own troops as gray snow falls to the ground, blanketing the white landscape in thick ash. Water Tribe men shout in alarm as he unleashes his power on his people (his enemy), but Sokka stands between them when they try to take Zuko down themselves. They do not understand the gray areas in war. They do not understand the heartache Zuko feels. He has betrayed himself. He says a prayer to Agni as Princess Yue collapses, and for once, he has a suspicion his sun king may be listening.
The Earth Kingdom general tries to lock Zuko up. He binds his hands and legs into rock, twisting his back and arms that brings a type of pain that elicits a torn scream from Zuko’s throat. He is scum. He is a coward. He is a disgraceful ashmaker. Kill the Prince, deliver a harsh blow to the Fire Lord. (Zuko knows his death will mean nothing to his father.) He is thrown into a dark, damp cell with no sun, no warmth, air thick with the smell of death, and Zuko briefly wonders if this is where firebenders are taken to die. As his head grows light with a lack of oxygen, he receives an answer to his question. Aang bursts through his cell before he passes out, and they leave the General behind.
They travel through a mountain cut with tunnels and caves. He already knows the story of Oma and Shu; it was a tale his mother told him many times as a boy, so he tunes out its retelling. The flower-adorned travelers don’t seem to mind his angry scar. They “think it’s cool, dude.” Zuko meets the original earthbenders. It’s not such a bad day.
Aang wants to find a crazy Earth Kingdom king to teach him earthbending, and this is where Zuko finds his sister and her friends. He nearly wants to tell her that he missed her, that it’s good to see her, but Mai throws knives at him and it’s back to the way it’s always been: the two of them, always fighting, and Zuko: always losing.
In the swamp, where the only thing he feels is uncertainty, he sees his mother among the branches. He calls to her, he runs to her, but she only ever turns away. He sees the last thing he remembers - the back of her head, the drawing up of a hood. His voice begins to crack with his pleading. Azula’s laugh taunts his memories. Sokka finds him sitting in the water, head bowed. They leave the swamp quickly.
Zuko knows who the Bei Fongs are. They’re particularly prominent in the metal-trading business, and they’ve always remained neutral. Occasionally they’ve been invited to conferences at the Fire Lord’s palace. He didn’t, however, know that they have a daughter. A blind daughter, who is arguably more of a prodigy than Azula was at her age. She’s good. Really good. Briefly, Zuko wonders what it would’ve been like to be taught by the dragons if his uncle hadn’t slaughtered the rest of them.
None of them have been able to sleep, and Zuko’s sister is gaining quickly. Katara suggests Zuko offers himself up to Azula, which doesn’t help anything, and only makes Zuko madder at Katara, and then Toph sides with Zuko, and then Katara thinks everyone is ganging up on her. Zuko goes with Aang to face his little sister. His uncle is hit. All he has ever felt is anger. It’s the only thing he remembers. It’s the only thing he’s ever been taught. He spits anger at his sister. It’s blinding, red-hot, and terrifying.
They stay with his uncle for a few days. Uncle lets Katara heal him and when he’s better, he shows Zuko a way to protect himself against the cold fire of his father and sister. Zuko desperately wishes to conjure it himself but to do that he must be at peace, and no longer angry at everything, and Zuko doesn’t really have that ability. Uncle tells Zuko he must leave without him, that he’ll see him again. Zuko nods, and there are tears on his cheek, and Uncle brushes them away because he is more of a father to Zuko than Ozai has ever been.
Aang doesn’t understand the differences between earth, air, and water. To be a concrete structure isn’t in his bones, but he has to learn, because he has to kill Zuko’s father. It’s something they all know that none of them really talk about.
The owl-spirit-creature calls him a murderer, a traitor to his people. “I know ten thousand things,” he tells Zuko. “I know who you are, Prince of the Fire Nation. I know the anger that lies behind your scar.” Zuko wants to scream. You know nothing! You don’t know anything!
There is a day in the summer when Zuko’s Agni-given power is stripped from his blood. He shivers at the thought, but this will be the day Aang will kill Zuko’s father, and they all know it. It’s what has to be done.
Zuko doesn’t mind the desert too much, but the group’s anger feeds off of each other and they’re all crumbling in their own ways. He can survive longer than most without water, can last it longer than most in the direct heat, but he knows his powers are useless. Aang is distraught without his companion, Toph is riddled with guilt, Sokka is delirious. He trudges through the sand alongside Katara.
Meeting the Kyoshi Warrior again was a bit awkward, especially because neither Zuko nor Sokka recognized her without her war paint, but they make it through the Pass. Ba Sing Se is just ahead.
His sister is already trying to conquer this great city. He is growing tired of fighting her, but it must be done. There is so much to be done.
They continue searching for the lost sky bison within the city walls, while at the same time waiting to see the Earth King. Zuko keeps a hood on and his hands stuffed in his pockets, because here, a good firebender is a dead firebender, a missing firebender, a bound firebender. He tells Aang that he’s looking for Appa as well, but really he searches the city for his uncle. Something deep in his blood tells him he’s near. Something deep in his blood tells him he needs to see him. He finds him, finally, in the depths of the city, days into searching, serving tea on a little platter. His uncle holds him closely and whispers in Zuko’s ear how proud he is.
“I’m doing it all wrong,” Zuko murmurs.
“No, Prince Zuko. You are doing what’s right.”
With some searching, Zuko finds Appa alone while the others meet with the Earth King. Aang goes to the Guru, and Sokka goes to find his father, and Katara begins planning the invasion, and Zuko is suddenly grabbed by the Dai Li. Something is very, very wrong, he thinks sluggishly, and he is thrown into a jail cell with no sun, no warmth, the air thick with the smell of death. Something is very wrong, Zuko repeats in his head, but everything is murky and slow, and his sister kneels in front of him and tells him how much father misses him, even though he betrayed his whole nation.
“He’s so disappointed Zuzu,” Azula tells him. “But he loves you, of course, and he wants you home.”
“No.”
Zuko wants to fight back. But the idea of his father (his father!) saying he loves him, holding him close, giving him warmth that is not fever-induced. Azula strokes his cheek and he cringes away from her, becomes there is no love in her actions, and her hand is cold and mother’s hand was always so, so warm. You need to think quickly, Zuko, his mother tells him. He scrunches his eyes and shakes his head at his mother, because she is dead, dead, dead, and he is so, so tired.
“It’s time to come home, Zuzu.”
He finds himself in a glimmering cave built with green gems. Aang is there, and so is Katara and Uncle, and everyone is asking him to choose.
“Who are you, Zuko?” Uncle cries. “Who are you, and what do you want?”
“I wan to go home,” he mourns. The world mourns with him. Lightning strikes in the green gem cave and pieces of himself crack like shattered jewels.
He is hailed a hero. He infiltrated the Avatar and his team and took them down from within. Father welcomes him home with open arms. Uncle is a traitor. He is a hero. Azula is a liar. He is a hero. The Avatar is dead. He is a hero. He is home.
Days blend together in a swirling pot of reds and golds and he has never felt so choked before. Every moment he feels the sun on his back, he feels its rays pressing down on his shoulders, he hears his mother in his head, he feels her disappointed gaze. A little boy screams at the sight of him. He stares in the mirror. He hates what he sees. He hates what his father gave him. He hates how he abandoned his friends. His home is suffocating and drenched in the stench of betrayal and history of the slaughter of thousands.
The sun hides behind the moon. He doesn’t feel its loss much; he’s used to being far from his sun king. Aang has to kill his father. It must be done. It must be done. It must be done.
He enters his father’s chambers and stares him in the eyes.
“Wouldn’t you like to know what happened to your mother?” Ozai sneers. Zuko knows he’s lying, all he’s ever done is lie to Zuko, but he falters for a moment too long and cold energy tears through his blood. He throws it back violently, hitting the stone above his father’s head, and runs. He slams into the Avatar on the way out. They stare at each other until Zuko dips his head and lays down his swords.
“I'm sorry,” he manages to say, and it’s all he can force out of his mouth. Aang set down his staff and launched himself at Zuko, wrapping his small arms around Zuko’s skinny waist.
“I forgive you,” the Avatar replies, voice muffled by tears. “I understand what it’s like to want to go home.”
They’re too late. Aang will have to kill his father another day.
Katara doesn’t speak with him for a long time. She doesn’t understand his betrayal. He gets it; Katara never heard his mother speak in her head, never had to beg his father to love her, never yearned to escape from his past. He lets her grieve her loss of trust, and he grieves their lost friendship.
His fire sputters out because of his own confusion. How could he be truly good, when he returned so easily back to his father? How could he help the Avatar when he couldn’t help himself, help his uncle, help his mother? What is it to be of Agni’s blood when Agni himself stays silent to your pleas?
He and Aang travel. They say it’s to help Aang learn firebending, but they both know it’s really for Zuko. The dragons breathe new fire into his bones. He doesn’t have to open his eyes to see their wonder.
He wants to help Sokka rescue his father, and Sokka has partially forgiven him for leaving them, though sometimes they both fall quiet when they don’t know what to say to each other, but Sokka lets him come because Zuko knows Fire Nation prisons. He is thrown into an ice freezer for Sokka’s father. His hands tremble as he unscrews the bolts, and his fingertips turn blue and his eyelids are heavy, but after everything, it’s the least he can do.
He finds Katara’s mom’s killer. Katara forgives him. Maybe one day Zuko can forgive himself.
In his summer home, Zuko burns any portrait of his family left hanging on the walls. He makes Sokka hide the last one, a painting of his mother, before he burns her, too. He’s afraid that he’ll forget her face one day and can’t trust himself not to send everything in this house into an inferno.
The days at the summer home as Sozin’s Comet approaches are both lazy and exhilarating. One day the others want to spend the morning by the ocean building sandcastles and trying to teach Toph to swim, and then they are helping each other out of panic attacks in the middle of the night. Every day, though, ends by the firepit in the sand, eating the dinner one of them made. They tell each other stories. They play games. They try to make each other laugh. They start talking about scars and Zuko shrinks into himself because he knows where this will end up. Toph finds out about Zuko’s burn and asks to touch it. Her hands flutter over the left side of his face, her fingers tracing the edge of the rough, angry skin. She is quiet. The others are quiet. Zuko is still.
“How did it happen?” she asks. Zuko’s been preparing to tell them all for months.
“I disrespected my father,” he answers simply. He grabs a large piece of fruit off the ground and holds it in his left hand. “I disrespected a general.” He raises his right hand. “I was challenged to an Agni Kai. I was to fight my father. I didn’t want to.” He places his right hand onto the side of the fruit and lights it aflame. It curls into itself and he drops it, charred and smoking, onto the sand. He brings his hand close to his chest.
“Why would you want to go back to him?” Katara murmurs. Zuko shrugs.
“I didn’t understand,” he says simply, “about why it was wrong.”
“But you do now, right?” asks Aang. His eyes are round and dewy and wet.
“I do now,” he says.
The world ends in flame. It begins again. His father is the Phoenix King, but Ozai never had to rise from the ashes. Zuko stands before his people. His sun king is with him. His friends are with him. He is home.