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He didn't recognize himself. He didn’t know this being he’d become in order to protect those he loved the most, whom he treasured with his life. And perhaps because of that very reason, he could keep himself together long enough to not forget the reason for all this; how those actions have been the catalyst for this result. Wrath and pride, those new but somehow familiar emotions were pouring into his being as this war continued. He lamented the loss of his absolute purity and kindness while these new emotions have been eating away at his mind throughout this period, causing his desire to be able to defeat those who opposed his prayers to increase in a transcendental way. And it hurt, of course it did. It hurt just to think about it, and even more when he was indeed at war with those he used to call his family. His father, his creator.
Being the living example of humility, he always looked after the happiness of those he considered his brothers and that’s why his act of rebellion saw the light; because the love he felt for those creatures was unimaginable, he would do anything for them. And as he thought about his whole existence in this place, making way for the fatigue turned into immense exhaustion that was accumulated after millennia of fighting, everything on his mind vanished in just a few seconds. It didn’t hurt to see those angels whom he’d shared decades and decades suffering with when his anger overcame him. Neither did it when his closest comrades begged him to stop, that there was still time to make amends for his mistake and to be able to start over, atoning for his sin with a just punishment. Not even the disappointment on their faces when the massacre began taking his wrath to the next level, dragging everything into his path with his power. Or how this white mantle eventually became a river of blood. But when he saw his sister deeply wounded and slowly falling through the air, everything vanished.
Lucifer knew there was no turning back and he knew it from the moment this all began. He knew it all along, confirming it when the tears in Lilith's eyes were left behind in the air along with her blood. He knew that regret would prosper, and he wasn’t prepared to realize what would happen to him as a result of the decisions he would make and has made throughout all those millennia. So despite the distance that separated them and ignoring the proximity of the two younger ones near her, he went ahead without hesitation, aware that six figures would be after them - lamenting it. Just as he lamented it from the moment he raised his head at his creator, how his positive outlook incredulously believed that his little sister would fall in love with a mortal and that it would end well, that that man could make her happy. To think and believe blindly that it was all a good idea. He was blinded by Lilith’s hope; how her face brightened up every time she spoke about that creature. How his heart squeezed at the thought of going against her happiness, of making a decision that would make him lose her. And he regretted it, very much so.
Because now, covered in blood and agony, feeling how pride was growing fiercely through his chest tearing every inch of his being, feeling how his sadness couldn’t manifest naturally, all he wanted was to wanted to collapse at the sight that his arms provided. But he couldn't, and the frustration just grew more and more. The pain in his chest was spreading steadily, slowly suffocating him. He couldn’t give up, even though his pride was crying out for him to do so. He couldn’t give up on what he had been fighting for all this time. And if that meant tearing away with his own hands this sin that burned within him, if that meant giving up on himself, he would give anything for that little figure that still lay in his arms - still in denial of the act of letting her go.
Eventually, loneliness became his best ally, it being his only companion when his duty of loyalty was set aside and he returned to the cold room he called his study. Lucifer was aware of the latent resentment that his brothers currently held towards him. Even though they fought at his side, even though he hated not being able to admit how much it hurts, he knew it was for the best. He preferred the dislike of his brothers in exchange for their well-being, he preferred being able to care and protect them with his own way of doing things to causing something that would lead to another tragedy. He couldn't afford to lose anyone else, he shouldn't. The mere thought of it reminded him of the wrath he felt at the time, that now personified only looked at him with the deepest contempt. And he understood that, even though his pride couldn’t fully handle it.
He was aware that direct contact was forbidden. Diavolo had been quite clear about the conditions for giving Lilith a second chance and in addition to forgetting all traces of her immortal life with them, those conditions included any kind of proximity that anyone might attempt. Or rather just Lucifer, being the only one with the knowledge of the situation. He knew that in the long run it would hurt even more when that idea crossed his mind as he found out about the girl's whereabouts. He was aware that watching her grow up from a distance, enjoying her mortal life, would only make the pain grow twice as much over time. Just as he was aware that physically she was not Lilith, but she was still his Lilith; everyone's little girl. However, he couldn’t deny the spark of happiness within him as he watched those years pass, seeing how that woman fulfilled and accomplished everything that Lilith ever dreamed of.
That’s why when the day he feared most inevitably came, he still remembers that his pride only allowed him to let out a single tear, in the shape of a goodbye.
"Lucifer…?"
As if he were being dragged back into reality, he opened his eyes in surprise.
The first thing he felt was how his forehead hurt badly, caused by the pressure it had endured for so long against the papers scattered on the small desk in his room. Lucifer had unintentionally fallen asleep on them, letting the accumulated exhaustion of so much work take over him. However, he also quickly felt his wet cheek, realizing that he had brought those memories to reality where they shouldn't be exposed. Much less when the voice came from MC, who stood in front of him with a cup of coffee in hand, looking at him with a worried expression.
Lucifer raised one of his hands to quickly wipe away the tear, but stopped when the hand of his companion came to rest upon his own. MC brought their face closer to his, kissing away Lucifer's tears.
MC was aware that Lucifer would probably not tell them the reason why that happened - after all, they’d be lying if they said that this was the first time they’d seen him cry. Denying the action, swallowing the sentiment, surrendering to his pride. So, after their lips parted from Lucifer's face, MC just smiled slightly at him, holding one of their hands to his cheek.
"Why don't you go and rest in bed? It's late, work can wait."
Under different circumstances, Lucifer would’ve looked at them as if they’d lost their mind. Although he was constantly suffocating from fatigue, he always prioritized Diavolo's work and desires. That’s why even though MC's relationship with Lucifer had begun and progressed, his old habits of working late into the night remained intact - and MC couldn’t blame him, but Lucifer continuing to ignore their suggestions for the sake of his own wellbeing only reminded them of why he was the Avatar of Pride.
However, watching Lucifer gently nod his head and make his way across the room so that he could rest properly in his bed made MC's concern increase. How bad was the thing that made him unconsciously cry, so much so that it made him postpone his work and want to go back to sleep?
MC didn't like to intrude on his personal space, considering all the stress the demon was constantly exposed to, which was why they always tried to show him their affection with details he would appreciate. And now, when Lucifer was already in his sleepwear and getting under the covers, they felt a twinge in their chest - MC wanted to be his emotional support in some way, no matter how small it was.
That cold cup of coffee and the huge pile of unseen documents were forgotten when the lights were turned off, giving way to the tranquility that darkness brought to that room. There would be plenty of time to deal with it in the morning, since now the only thing on both their minds was to share the peacefulness of the night. The faint moonlight filtered softly through the curtains, and the prevailing darkness of the room didn’t spell complete loneliness anymore.
MC took the audacity to return to Lucifer's room after making sure everything was in order, with the thought of keeping him company tonight. Approaching slowly towards his bed, sensing light breathing from him indicating that he was asleep - they made their way into the sheets on his side of the bed, positioning themselves against his back and gently hugging him from behind.
Nevertheless, their presence didn’t go unnoticed by Lucifer, who delicately managed to get out of their grip so that he could turn around, facing and embracing them tightly - leaving his face resting atop the head of his companion.
"You know that if you need to talk about it, I'll always be here for you."
MC whispered into his chest, receiving a small kiss on their head in response. MC smiled slightly, wrapping one of their arms around his waist, reducing the short distance between them. They were consumed in pleasant dreams, enjoying each other's warmth and peace.