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"You're in the arms of an angel
May you find some comfort here"
- Sarah McLachlan
May 2019
“Wait, you kissed him?”
“It was a shit show. I’ll explain later.”
"And I'll never forget the feeling of your hands grabbing me and keeping me safe. I needed it. I didn't know it."
"The kiss wasn't a disaster. It was a nice kiss, per se."
Words still burned in the back of Charlie’s mind. He wakes up in his room in the middle of the night. It’s 3 in the morning, and Charlie’s having difficulty sleeping. He’s had trouble with sleep for the past few days, despite exhausting his energy trying to balance school, seeing Justin, and comforting Alex. Like a restless, sleepless zombie. He’s breathing, finding himself covered in a light layer of sweat, despite being in nothing but shorts.
Alex is by his side, next to him, curled up in the blankets, and when Charlie shuffles around a little, Alex moves with him.
“Sorry, did I wake you?” Charlie asks, one arm stroking Alex’s arm.
“Yeah,” Alex says back. “But I’m not sleeping well anyway. I can’t.”
Charlie nods back at that, and when Alex rolls onto his side, now face to face with one another, Charlie feels his heart in his throat again. The room is dimly lit under the faint, soft rays of moonshine and streetlights entering through the balcony window. It’s just enough that he can make out Alex’s features. And Charlie’s throat closes when he realizes that Alex had been crying.
“Alex...Is it about Justin?” Charlie inquires, sympathetically holding Alex closer by the waist, soft, blue pools holding Alex’s own.
Alex nods after a short pause, and Charlie’s heart cracks when Alex has to hold back a sniffle, a sob. Alex doesn’t talk, only wordlessly, silently grasping Charlie’s hand with his own, fingers interlaced, Charlie anchoring him to the world.
“I’m so sorry, Alex,” Charlie murmurs, raising an arm to tuck Alex’s face closer to his bare chest. “It’s… so awful. And it hurts so much because when I look at him, every time I visit him after school – It hurts to think about how I can’t do anything to make it better,” he admits with tears in his eyes. “Justin was my role model and friend, too.”
Alex nods wordlessly back at him, sobbing quietly into his chest, one hand holding Charlie’s tightly, the other finding refuge against the exposed skin of his shoulders, his back, keeping him steady. “I can’t believe this is happening,” he says amidst sobs. “It’s like Hannah all over again, and I feel so powerless to help.”
Charlie doesn’t know Hannah personally. But he’s heard of her. She was a year older than him, just like Alex, and everyone else. And although Charlie never spoke to her personally, he felt guilty and pity for her when she became the target of vicious harassment. Alex once confided in him about her, one particularly difficult night back in December, before the storm hit again.
How Alex felt like he failed someone who he once considered his best friend. And Charlie would nod sympathetically at him, hold him tight while he cried.
“Charlie, it’s not fair,” Alex says through tears. “Justin deserved so much better,” he continues, voice breaking as he tries to steady himself. “And Jess too – I can’t even bear to look her in the eyes when she’s hurting so much. I don’t know what to say to her at all.”
Charlie shakes his head at that, silently and gently wiping away the tears that are falling fresh on Alex’s face. “You need time to grieve, too,” he says. “I- Alex, I know it must be tough on you too,” he says after a long pause.
Alex peers into Charlie’s eyes, soft, blue pools never leaving his. And it’s at this point that Alex realizes that Charlie’s not just talking about Justin. He’s talking about Jess. Seeing her grieve, how it must reopen all sorts of fresh wounds sustained throughout their up and down relationship.
Charlie opens his mouth, trying to say something gentle, sympathetic, but Alex beats him to it, clearing his throat and holding back another sob. “You’re… talking about Jess and me, aren’t you?” He asks.
Charlie slowly nods, swallowing like pushing down the growing burden he feels.
“For the longest time, I didn’t like Justin,” Alex admits, sniffling. “I felt really hurt when Jess dumped me for him,” he continues, clearing his throat. “And it made me so angry, and I felt so angry and betrayed. It made me feel like shit every time I compared myself to Justin. I mean, he’s super attractive, he’s physically fit, and Jess loved him,” he admits again, shaking his head at the bitter memories. “But not this. I can’t bear to see Justin like this. I can’t bear to watch him suffer like this,” he chokes out, sobbing.
Something about that admission causes Charlie’s defenses to crumble. His breath hitches, and when Alex holds onto him tighter, he loses inhibition.
“Charlie,” Alex begins, lips puckering again when he notices Charlie start to cry. “God, Charlie, I’m… so sorry,” he continues, rubbing his eyes against the skin of his arm, head spinning, before wrapping his arms around Charlie’s body, holding them impossibly close to one another.
“You’re thinking about me kissing Zach,” Alex says after a pause. “Aren’t you?”
And Charlie nods after a while, eyes shut to fight off the tears. “I just… I always kind of thought you two might have been a thing,” he admits. “And Zach’s really handsome – I mean, I don’t blame you at all, he’s such a looker, and I guess I’ve found myself comparing myself to him a lot. It’s difficult – living up to a man like that, and I just…” he trails off.
Alex nods at that, before pressing their foreheads together, so close that they can feel, can hear the individual breaths that leave their pursed lips, like listening to the melody of the wind under the moonlit sky, the summer breeze, the comforting hold of one another. “I did like Zach,” he admits. “I don’t know when it started, but it must have been after everything. Shooting myself in the head… and missing,” he continues, and Charlie winces at the reminder, his chest aching with hurt.
“He helped me recover and get better,” Alex admits. “He basically helped me with the PT, was there for me when everything became too much,” he adds. “And he even taught me how to dance, just so that I could be the best man I’ve ever been for Jess,” he finishes, and Charlie sees the slightest twinge of regret flash across Alex’s face again.
Charlie swallows, gently caressing Alex’s exposed cheek where the tears are drying up. “And after Winter break, Zach and I were just trying to figure out our shit,” he sighs. “He lost all his dreams in one blow on Homecoming night – you know, when Bryce took out his knee,” says Alex, and Charlie nods at the memory of that, grimacing when he remembers Zach taken out on the field. “And I just wanted to help him out; he was going through such a difficult time. He was there for me when I needed him, so I wanted to be there for him, too,” he concludes.
Alex takes a moment to avert his gaze to the ceiling as the memories play at the back of his mind, like projections on a screen. “And at one point, we were on the rooftop, walking on the ledge, testing life-“ he says. Charlie’s grip around his waist tightens instinctively, and Alex wishes for a moment he didn’t bring that up. That would make anyone – especially his boyfriend – guarded and upset. “And I almost fell. And in a moment of confusion, I kissed him. I just – I wasn’t thinking, and I didn’t even know at the time if I liked guys or not,” he adds.
“I see,” Charlie nods slowly. “I’m… I’m glad- I’m glad that happened,” he says after a pause.
Alex looks stunned by this. “Why? I mean – I should have said something earlier, but I just- I didn’t want you to be jealous and upset, and I-“
“Because you’re a good person, Alex,” Charlie reaffirms, smiling slightly at that. “You were there for a friend when he needed you most, just like how he was there for you when you needed him most – and it just happened like that.” Charlie pauses for a moment, and the fear of it all almost overwhelms him when he realizes what he wants to say next. “And… if it weren’t for him. You… you wouldn’t be here,” he says, shuddering. “There would never be this,” he finishes, fingers massaging Alex’s lower back. “That’s a debt I can never repay to him.”
Their gazes are locked, and Alex really gets a good look into Charlie’s perfect, pristine blue eyes. There are layers of depth, complexity, and meaning within those never-ending depths. Shivering a little, Alex presses his lips against Charlie’s. And for the first time since everything that’s gone wrong, Charlie feels no apprehension, no guilt, no worry. Alex is here, next to him, in his arms, and they have the world at their feet together.
Finally, when they break their kiss, eyes on one another, fingers interlaced, it’s Alex who talks first. “Justin might not have much time left in this world,” he says, breathing hard. “And I want to visit him tomorrow again – with you,” he adds. “And Jess. And Zach,” he says, weakly smiling amidst the heavy mood. “We’re all together in this. I want to spend as much time honoring and celebrating the life Justin had,” he says, staring lovingly into Charlie’s own. “And I want to spend the rest of my days with you, too.”
“Okay,” Charlie whispers back. “I like that. I like that a lot.”
And for the first time for both of them, hearing that doesn’t hurt anymore. There’s no more pang of jealousy, of questioning their self-worth, of wondering what could have been, because they’ve found peace in one another’s arms.
However cruel the world is.