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Tetsurou ran a weightless finger down Suguru’s silky bang. If Suguru had been awake, he imagined, he would’ve swatted Tetsurou’s hand away. At least he got the confirmation that he’s asleep. Sometimes it’s better this way; Tetsurou lying beside a sleeping Suguru, sheets veiling their unclad bodies. Maybe it was better if Tetsurou had taken his leave. There was nothing left, right? Suguru didn’t need anything more from him.
He remained however, for his own, somewhat, selfish gain. As if the two shared anything that didn’t include a selfish gain.
Tetsurou continued to watch Suguru, still, with a steady breath. He watched as his frame casted a shadow on Suguru’s custard-colored skin. The shadows of the sinking sun were golden, too beautiful, and too nostalgic, Tetsurou thought. It replicated an adornment of flaxen, brilliant silk. Contrasting the dark morning shadows or the hint of a threatening green habituated in the pitch darkness in the A.M.’s.
Tetsurou licked his dry, bottom lip. It tasted just like him, he thought. Normally there would be a lingering flavor of Suguru’s parents’ liquor or, maybe, a joint from one of Suguru’s stoner friends. Normally there would be a chain reaction. Suguru sends Tetsurou a text; typically, a ‘what are u doing now’, or ‘my parents aren’t home’ , or a simple ‘tetsu’ . Tetsurou quickly couldn’t find himself to reject Suguru, regardless of the weight in his heart. At first, the two would get drunk or high, instigating whatever hungry, fever broke out after. Now, all Suguru had to do was dial Tetsurou, ready to grab him by the collar after the first knock at the door. Stimulants were only an added, optional variable now; in Suguru’s case at least. Alcohol, drugs, and Suguru’s love. They were all the same to Tetsurou.
“Is it going to get weird?” Tetsurou asked one day, breaking the silence. Suguru’s figure was sprawled on the bed, resting his head on Tetsurou’s bare abdomen. Suguru’s fingers tauntingly grazed the skin by Tetsurou’s hips. Tetsurou, breathing heavy, bit his lip to avoid letting out a sound.
“What?” Suguru responded, not sparing Tetsurou a glance.
“I don’t know… us? Our relationship?” Tetsurou didn’t say friendship as it felt too strange in his mouth.
“Why would it get weird?” Suguru questioned now looking at the other. Tetsurou didn’t probe further. He plainly wondered when the distance narrowed between the two. Maybe it was the devilish look on Suguru’s face on the opposite side of the court. Or the way they paused when simulated by a quick touch. Or the way Suguru, on the other side of the room, would only keep his eyes on Tetsurou when making out with some girl. Or the way they would always be the first to ditch the party and create their own hidden, intimate party within the walls of Suguru’s room. Years of plain innocent friendship, rivalry, and vexation circumscribed into a menacing, quick game of touching and manic ravenousness. Suguru made it feel that way. Tetsurou knew there weren’t feelings attached. Which never quite made sense to him.
Tetsurou couldn’t remember a time without him loving Suguru. Even before he was able to label his feelings, Tetsurou’s heart pounded in Suguru’s presence. He couldn’t, for the life of him, tame the pink in his cheeks whenever Suguru smirked. He treasured the moments they would cower at the corner of Suguru’s room, unleashing their vulnerability in bitter speech and tears. When they got tired, with red, swollen eyes invisible in the darkness, Suguru would crawl onto Tetsurou’s lap, light a cigarette, and gently winnow the smoke onto Tetsurou’s face. Suguru’s weight, his languid touch, the enticing taste of smoke from his mouth inflamed the passion in Tetsurou’s heart. When the two parted, Tetsurou would feel nothing but self-hatred as he saturated his pillow with tears.
Tetsurou’s head fell heavy as he sat up, toes meeting the frigid hardwood flooring. He grimaced, followed by the sound of his clicking tongue. Suguru never spoke of Tetsurou or whatever their relationship came to be. Ah, I should have known, Tetsurou thought as he rummaged through Suguru’s room, how can I be this close to him without falling?
I still really, really love you, Suguru. Tetsurou’s gaze fell upon the snoozing Suguru once more as he slipped into his boxers. Yes, I do.
It wasn’t something Tetsurou was proud of, but he knew he would be back when Suguru called.