Archive of Our Own

The first thing Kenma sees upon waking is light. He still has his eyes closed, but it must be because he forgot to close his blinds last night, he usually does it, he likes to wake up from the darkness as soon as possible.

He opens one eye first as he fights against a yawn, the time on his cell phone warns him that it's getting late, so he only spends a couple of minutes lying on the bed staring at the ceiling instead of ten.

Nothing... just like always.

When he hears the third knock on his door is when he decides to get up. Almost growling, Kenma quickly prepares for the day. He dresses with the first thing he finds, preferring his comfort over his non-existent sense of fashion, he does the same with his long hair, brushing it into a simple low ponytail, leaving some strands free on the sides. When he opens the door the first thing he hears is the sound of the frying pan mixed with the silly song that Kuro had been humming since a few weeks ago.

"I was about to go kick you out of bed." Kuro says when he sees him approaching.

"Good morning to you too," he walks over the oven to see what he was cooking.

"We have to eat fast or we'll be late."

It wasn't necessary to tell him, he was already hungry. They talk a little while they eat, Kuro talks about his dream last night trying to explain so he could understand, Kenma nods with his mouth full with every crazy word he says, answering with a "yes" or "no" from time to time trying to finish quickly, not because he wants to get to his classes as soon as possible, it’s just that he doesn't like to talk much about it. But Kuro had told him that if he doesn't talk about his dreams immediately, then he would forget them.

“What is it like?”

"It's like a movie, your own movie."

Good thing that Kenma has never been a big fan of movies.

"Kuro, we will be late."

They are never late, his best friend wouldn't let him. They only endured living one semester in the college dorms, after that they looked for an apartment of their own, which was only about ten minutes walking, six if they ran and Kenma really doesn’t want to run today.

They were both in their final year of college, and while his childhood friend focused on the science field, Kenma chose his passion, video games development. His final project was irritating him, it was his most important grade and it was taking away all his available time, he barely had free time to play outside the streams he does daily, which he could not fail because it’s practically his job. When they told him that it wasn't the same, Kenma got mad, maybe it was easier than a normal job, with a much more flexible schedule and a higher salary, but that does not mean that it isn’t a job. Thanks to this, he was able to pay for the apartment, his part and Kuro's. At first they rented a small box which their landlord tried to convinced them that it was a perfect apartment for two, they lived off instant ramen and eggs and when he started earning more money thanks to his job, the first thing he did was fill the pantry, which was also a small box, so the second step was to find another place.

And since today is Friday, that means that he has to make a late stream longer than normal. At least that will relax him a little.

"... so don't wait up for me."

"Huh?"

Kuro rolls his eyes. "The match! Is the final one, so when we win I will go to celebrate."

"When we win?" Kenma smirks at him. "As if you are the one who will play tonight on the court, and I will probably be awake, I have to stream."

"Have a little spirit, you have to support the team." Kuro considered the idea of joining the volleyball team, but decided on focusing on his classes, they are not easy after all. "And please make your dinner, or order something at least. You need real food."

"Real food, real food." Kenma repeats to himself as he checks his fridge, he only sees vegetables and that’s not food, at least not for him. It was already ten o'clock when he finished all his homework of the week, and now he has to fill his stomach with something that’s not junk food before recording. He is eating on the sofa while warning his followers that the stream would start in an hour and he takes the opportunity to interact with some of them.

It’s not that he cares much about his image, but since his face is the one on the internet, he has to make an effort and that effort involves wearing his own brand clothes, washing his face with some skincare products and brushing his hair more enthusiastically. He definitely needs a cut, he says as he looks at himself in the mirror. His hair is already past his shoulder now, Kuro had asked him if he would dye it blond again, Kenma replied that soon, but he didn’t know that “soon” would actually take a couple of years. Just the tip of his dark hair is dyed blonde, maybe he can go to the hairdresser for a similar style, which would look much better if it’s done by a professional. 

He does a brief breathing exercise before turning on the camera, although he no longer feels nervous when recording himself, but he does it because he feels that it’s like a ritual more than anything. He can't help but greet his followers with a smile, he was excited to play the video game they had recommended to him.

He has been playing for less than an hour when he hears a noise inside the house, he takes off one of his headphones to hear better and convince himself that it’s only his mind playing tricks at him, he pauses the game while saying that he will be back soon. As he leaves his room, the sound gets louder and it’s definitely coming from the kitchen. 

Well, he has nothing to fear from a hungry Kuro.

"Didn’t you say you would come late?”

Kuro turns and opens his eyes in surprise as he licks his lips. "Hi, we didn't stay long, there was nothing to celebrate... we lost. I thought you were recording."

Ohhh. "That sucks, they had won all the previous years. And I am, I only came here for fuel."

"Where did you order this?" He asks, pointing at his plate.

"I did it," he replies as he takes out a couple of energy drinks and some snacks.

"What?! And why was I the one in charge of cooking garbage all this time?"

Kenma shrugs his shoulders. "You never asked me."

 "Kenmaaaa, I can't believe it, you will make lunch tomorrow."

"If you want to have lunch after five p.m. then it's fine by me." He hears a growl come out of Kuro's mouth. "I have to go, my followers asked me to play this horror video game."

"Thanks for the warning, I will not go in there for anything in the world." Kuro is with his mouth full as he grimaces, probably because he hates everything that has to do with that genre. “Good luck!” He hears him shout before entering his room.

It was only one in the morning when he drinks a little of the liquid that will keep him awake for the next few hours. Today will be a long night.

Kenma was walking, almost running. His feet ached and he didn’t have any more air in his lungs, but he couldn't stop, he just couldn't. He wants to look behind him, but that would only slow him down, plus he doesn't want to know what was out there chasing him. The long corridor seemed as if it would never end, Kenma ran and ran looking for an exit, he knew this place, it reminded him of something, he was sure he had been here before... He can hear the sound of the sneakers echoing on the floor. He was close, he could feel it, but the thing that was chasing him was getting closer too. Kenma tries to look around, but there was nothing, there was nobody. The sound of the ball bouncing grew louder, he almost tripped over something, but he kept running, he couldn’t stop now, he was close, so close... just a little more.

There it was! A smile of pure relief formed on his face, the door was there and he only needed to reach it to be free. Kenma runs faster forcing his legs to run like they haven't run in a long time. He could hear a crowd, they were shouting something, no... a name, they were shouting a name. They were cheering for him, and that is enough encouragement to be able to open the gym’s door. However, there was nothing waiting for him there, nothing besides a great dark abyss. Kenma screams as he falls, he screams and screams. Tears clouded his view, his hands tried to hold on to something, he couldn't stop screaming and as he approached the hard, cold ground, Kenma accepted it by closing his eyes.

He has no voice left when Kuro is hugging him trying to convince him to drink a glass of water and he isn't even embarrassed by the waterfall of tears that is coming out of his eyes. He has one hand on his chest trying to contain his heart because he thought it was going to jump out of there, while the other is tightly clutching his sheets.

"Kenma, it was just a dream, just a dream." Kuro is repeating over and over to calm him down.

But he had read a long time ago that dreams shouldn't be like that, they are supposed to be happy, full of colors, little animals running through a meadow and where everything you wish comes true if you are strong enough.

That was the only way to know about it, reading or listening to other people’s stories, plus all the movies he had seen and one or two documentaries, although his greatest source of information was what Kuro had told him... because Kenma can’t dream.

In fact, no one can do it before they turn eighteen. Once you do, dreams come almost every night, even in little naps, they hit you with the wonder of being able to live in some kind of another world. A world that you share with just one person.

Your soulmate.

Everything you dream, your soulmate dreams it too, every detail, every setting, every face of the people in those images, every word that is said. Sometimes it may be your own dream that you share and sometimes it’s the one of your soulmate. You don't dream every time you sleep, sometimes the mind just takes a break and you may not always be able to remember every dream.

That's what Kenma was told a week after he turned eighteen, that he just didn't remember, and that's what he ended up believing for a while. A couple of years ago he became convinced by the idea that he might not have a soulmate, it used to happen... but it could also be that his soul mate was not yet eighteen years old. Kenma never cared too much about his soulmate anyway, it was a bit ridiculous and not everyone followed the rule. He knew several cases of couples that when sleeping, they dream of different things. But Kenma didn’t want to be condemned to never dream, so researching non-stop on the subject he had concluded that he simply didn’t have a soulmate and he suffered by that fact, he really suffered it.

He wanted to know what it felt like to be inside a video game like once he had read, or what was like to dream about the future, there were few people who had the ability to have prophetic dreams, but the best were the people with a strong mind where they could control their own dreams and do whatever they wanted. Kenma tried to do that every night for months and even watched hundreds of videos to try and learn it, but it never worked, He only dreamed of a big and filthy nothing.

And for the first time at twenty-two years old, Kenma dreamed, but if last night meant having a dream, then he never wanted to do it again in his life.

"Sometimes it happens, I did a little research and it's not that unusual, sometimes people have nightmares," Kuro says almost yawning while they are eating breakfast on the sofa.

Kenma didn’t sleep all night, he was afraid to dream again.  He wasn’t expecting it, he didn't expect everything to be so real. It was nothing like what Kuro has told him for so long, like that time when he dreamed that he won an important trophy for playing volleyball, that he rode a giant owl once, that his parents were together again, that he climbed a mountain made of ice cream, that when he graduated his grandmother was there sitting at the front applauding him. And sometimes, he dreamed that Kenma was a grumpy little cat... by far his most ridiculous dream. 

He became convinced that his life was so similar to his soulmate’s that he could no longer decipher who was the one dreaming, but something that was always repeated in every dream, was a beautiful melody, sometimes it changed, but they were all just as beautiful. Kenma wishes he had a silly song stuck in his head all day instead of having an awful dream like last night.

"Kuro, it felt so real... How do you tell a dream and reality apart?" He says with the cup of tea still in his hands.

"Umm well, sometimes you don't... not until you get to the very end, but when it's totally ridiculous it's when I realize, or when I'm sure it's something that would never happen in real life."

"That doesn't make any sense, this doesn't make sense. How something that doesn't exist can make you feel like real feelings? How can it make your body react in such a way? Kuro, my heart was going to explode and my legs still hurt."

"You will learn to tell them apart Kenma. You just need to get used to it and that pain is not real either, it’s just your mind convincing you that it is, at the moment it can feel that way, that’s why your heartbeat raced, you were scared."

"So... dreams just make people go crazy, there is no other reasonable explanation."

He doesn't want to go back to sleep, never again, he can't put his head back on the pillow without remembering what happened last night, it was torture, a simple torture of fate.

He spent all day searching online about  the subject, there are several cases where it takes years for your brain to create unknown images, Kenma is sure that it was his soulmate that came damaged and not him. He was also trying to find a logical explanation for his dream, but many sources gave him different answers. That he is afraid of success or afraid of failure, that he is scared of making a big change or that he is excited about making a big change, that he is feeling like he’s losing control of his life or that he feels like he's gaining control of the situation... This was not helping him at all. He takes another sip of his sixth? seventh? cup of coffee. He needed to be wide awake before starting his stream.

It's almost two in the morning when he hears his phone buzzing, he knows who it is because nobody else writes to him at two in the morning, after ignoring him for a few minutes, he starts calling him, Kenma keeps ignoring him until he hears a knock on his door.

"Kenma, maybe it's not a good idea to eat like this before going to bed, especially if you play these kind of video games."

And that's enough to listen to Kuro, because he really doesn't want to have another dream. He lays down while listening to relaxing music because he saw on the internet that it helps and he also leaves his door open just in case. Slowly and with less and less fear, Kenma falls asleep.

When he wakes up the first thing he notices is that it is still dark, he turns in his bed for a better position and closes his eyes, he opens them immediately when he hears a noise under the bed. He knows it must be just his imagination, but as he tries to convince himself that his brain is just playing with him, he hears a scratch again. Kenma sits on the bed trying to decide if it’s the most appropriate thing to call the police and another loud scratch tells him that it is, but he cannot find his phone, so he calls Kuro... but no voice comes out.

Kenma tries to scream, speak or make any noise with his mouth, but it is useless, he tries to scream with all his strength until he feels pain in his throat, he desperately touches it trying to find out what's wrong with it, the noise under the bed gets stronger and stronger. He has no choice but to get up. But when he does, he immediately falls to the ground, he couldn't move his legs, they didn’t hurt, they were just asleep. He notices that he is wearing a kind of black leggings that were nothing like his usual pajamas, he sees a long claw approaching and Kenma tries to move away. He knew it would seek revenge, but he thought it would do it on the last level.

He hits his legs with all his strength to make them react, but nothing works, he feels the tears running down his eyes as he tries to scream. The thing was getting closer and Kenma knew how to beat it, but he was just too afraid to move, he was not strong like his character, he had no weapon and his legs were against him. When the claw grabs his foot, Kenma screams... and wakes up.

All the voice that didn't came out before, he uses to scream.

"You can't do this, you need to sleep."

"I don't care, I can't do it anymore, I won't resist another dream."

"It wasn’t a dream," Kuro says sitting next to him on the sofa. "The dreams are different, they are happy, hopeful and it makes you wake up with a smile on your face. You just had another nightmare."

"It's the same," Kenma replies, refusing to go to bed while playing in the living room.

"It can be stress, Maybe being so close to your final project has you like this, you need to take a break, sleep well, eat healthy and stop drinking that crap." Kuro takes away his energy drink.

"What do you mean by that? Last night was not my dream," his voice comes out more irritated than planned.

"I was thinking about it and your first dream must have been because I talked about the volleyball match all day and it made you remember the old days, last night it could be because you were still a little scared and it got mixed with your horror game."

"I've played that kind of games before and it has never happened to me. It's his fault and until he fixes his shit I won't sleep."

Kenma did sleep that night. For a couple of hours, but he did it.

He behaves like a zombie in his classes on Monday. He needed to sleep and that was affecting him. He is almost falling asleep on a bench waiting for Kuro to go eat lunch, he hears some voices but doesn't pay attention to them, he listens to a girl talk about a movie, someone mentions something he saw on the news, the topic about Friday's match came up and they blamed a player for the result, then they talk about tomorrow's homework... damn, he still hasn’t finished it. He is startled when his head almost touches the wall, he misses his bed.

"It’s good that you decided to take a break, your followers will understand." Kuro says to him with a book in his hand interrupting the melody he was previously humming.

 "It is only while I finish this," he replies without taking his eyes off his laptop.

"Still... it's good, it will do you well and you can relax, we could go to that party tomorrow the one I told you about, that could help."

"How would that help me? I prefer to spend my Friday on this same sofa and I already told you, I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Getting out of the routine a little bit could be positive."

"Going to a party is already a nightmare, only that I would be awake."

That night he dreams of his hateful teacher who forces him to type and type until his fingers start bleeding, while his classmates laugh at him because he was apparently in his underwear.

And unless one of his idiots classmates is his soulmate, Kenma has to admit that the dreams could be 50% his fault ... well maybe 30% and that's why he decides to go to the stupid party to relax.

"Kuro, I don't feel relaxed at all."

"You won't if you don't loosen up a little bit.”

They were both standing near the drinks, Kenma following Kuro everywhere and his friend making sure he was following him everywhere. They talked a bit with a couple of people, played a card game until Kenma was smart enough to take Kuro away from there before a fight starts because one of the guys apparently was cheating, which was completely true, but that boy looked like a boxer. Some people approached him and mentioned his channel, Kenma blushed and Kuro laughed.

"But not with this," Kuroo says as he takes the glass of vodka from his hands. "This will make the nightmares even worse."

"How am I supposed to loosen up then?"

Kuro gives him a cup of juice... which was a terrible idea because it was already his fifth and when he went to the bathroom he got lost in the big house. The worst thing was that he could swear he had seen these hallways before. Kenma gulps, he had seen it in one of his nightmares.

Or is this a nightmare?

Kenma tries to remember when he went to sleep last night, but he can't remember which is a good sign, but the more he walks around the huge house, the more familiar it becomes. There is a ridiculous painting of an owl that he was sure he had used to hit one of the zombies in a sports uniform that was chasing him. Kenma runs down the hall because he no longer knows if it's a dream or not, but chances are that it is and he can't stop pinching himself until he feels pain, but he refuses to let go of his arm, because he wants to wake up as soon as possible.

He runs down the stairs until he bumps into a girl and makes her throw her drink, she says something to him, but Kenma keeps running. He doesn't want to be in there anymore. The house is full of people, wherever he turns to look for Kuro there is a crowd laughing and shouting due to the loud music. Kenma needs air, because there are many people and those people are breathing his air, so he goes out with one hand clutching his chest trying to calm his heartbeat. His heart is beating with fear more and more.

It's the same sensation he feels when he wakes up that night.

Kuro is next to him trying to calm him down and tell him to breathe, to try to copy him, but Kenma can't look at him because he has his hands on his face and he's sobbing like a little child. And he hates it, he hates it with all his might, dreams are just a big crap that only exist to sell movies and deceive people, Kuro included. Because he can't understand how someone can like any of this.

It was his second week in a row making up excuses to not upload any videos, which helped him a little in clearing his schedule and focusing on his project. And due to being less stressed, he has not had nightmares every night, but still doesn't take away his fear every day before going to bed. He doesn't like giving up what he loves the most for the sake of his mind and dark circles. 

Will it always be like this? He stopped playing violent games after his third nightmare and still they didn’t stop, so Mario became his most loyal companion... until he dreamed that a giant turtle was chasing him.

It is unfair, if he has to give up something he prefers a million times to quit his project than his video games. He hates having to pay attention to his surroundings playing a silly game about stupids cubes on his phone and the worst thing is that his dark circles no longer had any salvation. They don’t even make him proud as they did before, since they used to demonstrate some kind of achievement of one of his video games. Now, it was only a punishment, of him and his Soulmate.

"Hey! Kenma, right?"

Kenma looks up from his food and has to squint at the bright sun, he puts a hand to his forehead to shelter his sight a little, and sees a tall and muscular boy standing in front of him. He can recognize him by his ridiculous hairstyle, black roots and white tips, he could almost smell the hair gel from here, he had seen him with Kuro before and his friend had told him about him, but he can’t remember his name, nor does he remember if they have spoken before without Kuro involved.

"Yeah?" he says before looking down at his phone. He watches out of the corner of his eye as the boy sits across from him at the empty table with his own lunch.

"Kuroo told me he would be here, I guess he is making us wait."

"Hmm" is the only thing he says, because he doesn't feel like talking to Kuro's friend. Well, he doesn't feel like talking at all, because last night he slept like two hours and he knows he is more irritated than normal, he doubts that something nice will come out of his mouth.

He listens how he eats loudly while talking to him about something that he doesn't really pay any attention to, when he remembers that his food is intact in front of him, and he needs vegetables because Kuro made him a good healthy eating plan... What has he become?

"You haven't uploaded any videos lately."

Kenma looks away from his broccoli and looks directly at him. The boy had wild eyebrows and dark circles under his eyes, but between these... he has beautiful big round golden eyes.

"No, I'm sorry," because he really feels sorry about it and he feels like he's failing at every person who watches him. "Do you watch them?”

"Of course!" he says with his mouth full. "When I need to pass a difficult level, I follow your advice and when I can't, I just give up and watch you play."

Kenma almost laughs. "Thanks I guess, for watching."

"And why haven't you streamed lately?"

How nosy. "I've been busy with finals."

"Ughhh me too! I just had one actually, it fucking sucks. Damn maths, they’re kinda useless, you know? it’s like, we all have calculators on our phones. But we are almost free, right?"

He couldn't take him seriously with rice on his face and he doesn't know what to talk to him about, so he nods his head waiting for Kuro to get here quickly.

"So what are you playin?” The boys says after a few minutes because apparently he doesn't know what silence is.

"Nothing."

"Hey, I play that game too! What level are you on?"

Kenma rolls his eyes "112."

He wasn't looking at him, but he forces him to do it when he hears a small gasp come out of his mouth and when he does, he has a huge grin on his face. "129, I can't believe I'm beating you."

"You're not beating me. How long have you been playing?"

"A week, you?"

He was beating him... "umm like ten days."

"HA!" He says wiggling his crazy eyebrows still with that smile on his face.

Kenma sighs deeply. "How did you do it? I've been trying to pass this level all day.”

It takes exactly two seconds for the boy to move next to him and although he doesn't like a bit that he is not respecting his personal space, that he is literally shouting in his ear and that he still has rice near his chin, Kenma doesn't dislike his company and they were already at level 118 when Kuro arrives with another person by his side.

"Akaashi Keiji."

Kenma greets him as they sit down and the three chat for a while as he focuses half of his attention on the game and the other half on whatever topic they were talking about.

"See you around Kenma!" The boy shouts at him as they are walking away waving both of his arms over his head. Kenma responds with a slight wave of his hand.

"Looks like you made a new friend."

"Hmm" he hums without taking his eyes off the screen. When they are halfway through, Kenma looks both ways before asking. "What’s his name?

"Who's?"

Kenma rolls his eyes. "Your friend, who else?"

Kuro looks at him for a few seconds before laughing. "We were sitting there for like one hour. Why didn't you ask him yourself?"

Because they had already talked long enough to be considered embarrassing to ask for his name. But Kenma doesn't tell him that, he just shrugs.

"Bokuto Koutarou."

Kenma was walking looking at his footsteps, because with each new step he takes, a new color appears on the floor and he was fascinated watching it, the paths looks familiar and he tries to remember where he has seen this before by looking at his surroundings, but he can’t see anything but the long dark road lighting up with every step he takes, which is totally strange because Kenma is not afraid to move forward. 

A flash of light to his right grabs his attention and Kenma can't help but turn his head quickly, he can't see it, but as he goes, more and more appear. They seem to be fireworks. Shooting stars perhaps? If they are, then Kenma has to make a wish, he thinks about what he wants. A new game, for his teacher to change his morning classes to the afternoon, for Kuro to stop using his toothpaste and leave it lying around, and to finally be able to finish the damn prototype that has him stressed out.

Suddenly, there is no colorful light with the new step he takes and Kenma falls. Only that he is not falling, he is in some kind of slide, and he is not alone, one of the shooting stars is following him along with some yellow cubes jumping around. He doesn't know when the tickling in his stomach started or maybe it was there all the time, but now he can't stop laughing as he slides and he hears the shooting star laughing alongside him too. 

He extends his arms over his head and feels how the breeze hits him gently on the face. He doesn't know what it’s waiting for him down there but it cannot be that bad, Kenma knows that he is close, he knows that he is getting there. He feels a tickle in his hand, Kenma brings it to his face to see it, he opens his hand, closes it and opens it again and suddenly the star is in front of him. He reaches out to touch the star that is so close and when he touches it with his fingers, the first thing he sees is an intense golden color covering every trace that was left of the darkness.

It must have been because last night he forgot to close his blinds and the sun was brighter than ever. Kenma stares at it for a while and decides that it's enough when his eyes start to hurt, he hides under his blankets. It was still early so he could continue sleeping, he rubs his head on the pillow waiting to go back to sleep.

Wait... Did he just had a dream?

Kenma jumps from his bed. That was a dream, right? It didn't seem to be something that could scare him, they were images just like those of his nightmares, only that it was not a bad thing, it was... like a memory, a moment recorded in his mind of something that never existed, but that he didn't want it to end. 

Kenma blinks several times and touches his head, he thought it would hurt to process the mental activity of imagining a false scenario, but perhaps his brain had already gotten used to the nightmares, which now he already fully understands the differences between these two. It was kind of nice to dream, he wouldn't mind doing it again, it was so much better than having a horrible nightmare. With that thought, Kenma prepares to sleep to dream again. 

When he wakes up, there is nothing out of the ordinary, so Kenma, a little annoyed by the fact that his brain always ignores him, goes for something to eat.

He is sitting in front of the TV with his plate of food forgotten on his lap because it’s more important to pass level 126 of his game, Kuro is next to him talking about a concert, when something caught his attention. Kenma frowns at his screen, the setting looks like the dream he had last night.

"Kuro, last night I had a dream," he says, interrupting him.

 "What? about what? Are you sure it wasn’t a nightmare?"

"No, it wasn't, because I didn’t feel scared, but I don't remember it anymore, I think it had something to do with my game, but I'm not sure or maybe it's just my imagination, I don't know."

"Kenma! Next time you have to tell me right away or write it down at least, some people forget about them quickly."

That's what he does the next few times, he writes about them on his phone because he has to admit that he is a little excited to be able to dream. With a little more of training, he can learn to control them. One day he dreams of winning a volleyball match and an entire stadium was applauding only at him, he obviously doesn’t tell Kuro about that one, another time he dreams that he is at a classical music concert and for some reason, Mickey and Minnie Mouse were dancing a waltz in front of everyone on stage, and last night he dreamed that he had a cute kitten and that every time he fed him, he grew bigger and bigger.

"I feel like they won’t even notice if we just leave."

"Huh? Do you wanna go?" Bokuto says, already standing up from his seat.

"W-what? Ehh I was saying it because-" Kenma turns his head again to see Kuro and Akaashi talking without taking their eyes off each other. His friend had been dragging him for almost a week now to go lunch with Bokuto and Akaashi, to actually spend more time with Akaashi. "Okay."

They are walking around aimlessly, he doesn't know where to go and when he told Bokuto about leaving, he was referring to going home... separately. Not that the boy should follow him.

"You haven't finished your classes yet?"

"No."

"Me neither, I only have one left and I'm ready, ughh but it's the most difficult one, I didn't even want to take it, but I needed the credits.” 

"Hmmm."

"Aren't you afraid of graduating? It's like everyone assumes that you already know what you have to do and everything is going according to your plan, now we will be adults."

"We already are." 

"Well, yes, but now we will be like adult adults, you know?"

Of course he knows, it sucks. He was also afraid of facing a new challenge. "I think so, yes I kind of understand, and I don't want to either."

"Akaashi has it all figured out, they called him to be part of an orchestra."

"Here in Tokyo?"

"Yeah, here." He is glad about that. He knows that Kuro is infatuated with him, they have gone out a couple of times, but nothing has happened between them... yet. "No one has called me yet, I mean, I’m super happy for Akaashi, he deserves it, that and much more, but why has no one called me? I thought I was going to have a lot of offers by now, you know?"

"Oh, I didn't know you played the violin too."

He responds by laughing for a few long seconds, Kenma almost jumps because of his loud laugh. "I was talking about volleyball. No team had called me, yet."

"Ohh I'm sorry." He knows that Bokuto likes volleyball and that he is the ace of the team. When Kenma mentioned the last game once, he felt a tense silence at the table, so he changed the subject immediately. Kuro told him that Bokuto blamed himself for losing that night just like the other students, they blamed him too. They liked to talk and talk, but he doubts that someone can stand on the court like Bokuto does.

Kenma stops walking when he doesn't feel Bokuto next to him, he looks up from his phone and turns to look at him. "Look!" He says pointing to a small store, and without turning around to make sure if Kenma is following him or not, Bokuto enters the ice cream parlor.

He ends up giving in to Bokuto's insistence and the two sit down to eat an ice cream. He has to pay all his attention to the conversation because his phone died and surprisingly, it doesn't bother him that much. Despite reminding him to lower his voice from time to time and making sure that he doesn’t make a mess when he moves his spoon from side to side while speaking, Kenma really has a good time with Bokuto.

"So, would you like to?"

"Are you kidding me? Of course! You have no idea, but you have to go easy with me, I'm not a professional like you."

"I'll think about it ... but I can't make any promises.”

"I can't believe it!" He says with a bright smile on his face. "I will put extra effort into my hair. When do you want to do it?"

"Your hair is fine, I was thinking maybe, tomorrow? I haven't played in a while and I feel a little rusty, the sooner, the better."

He had invited Kuro to play on his stream before, but his lack of knowledge only generated laughs and mockery and he didn't like lowering the quality of his content. He understands that Bokuto is a good player and could be a good change for his followers.

That day he dreams that he is sitting on a cloud trying each ice cream flavor that could exist, there is an owl next to him that won’t stop looking at him with his big eyes. Kenma gives him a taste of his ice cream and the owl accepts it. Kenma watches him and stretches out his hand, the owl with the golden eyes doesn’t take his eyes off him and when Kenma pet his head, the owl begins to purr. “Huh... I had no idea owls could do that.”

"I didn't know you played so well."

Bokuto waves his hand in front of him. "I don't, you beat me at everything, you're amazing."

"Uhh I guess, but you are very good too."

The pizza they ordered is in front of them, but Bokuto doesn’t move from his seat, Kenma rolls his eyes. "I've practically played all day for more than ten years, it's going to take practice to catch up with me," Bokuto is still sitting on the sofa playing with his feet. "And... you have been my best rival so far, no one I have play with has reached your level and you are-"

"Really?" Kenma nods.

It was practically true, he had never played with someone outside his family circle except Kuro and Bokuto. His expression drastically changes to one of pure happiness. "Besides, everyone is good at something, surely you would kick my ass at volleyball."

He hears Bokuto laugh again. "Yes I would, gently, but I would."

Kenma makes a soft confirmation sound before eating happily, because Bokuto is doing it too. "If you want we can play another game, I'll be more friendly."

Bokuto looks at him in surprise before nodding. "Okay, but don't let me win on purpose."

"I wasn't going to."

And he doesn't, he wins every game. "Kenmaaaa. Again!"

That night he doesn’t remember his dream, but his mind doesn’t feel empty as it used to do every time he woke up. As if sleeping was only a necessity to recover for the next day and between closing your eyes at night and opening them again in the morning, you just feel a dark static that only lasted a few seconds. This was just... different.  Even if sometimes he doesn’t remember it, he was aware that he had dreamed of something, during the day, he collects small fragments from the night before, trying to put together his dream as if it was some kind of puzzle. Kenma feels that he already knows what his dream was about.

"I don’t see the point to continue with the volleyball practices, there are no more games. It is just a waste of time."

Kenma really doesn't know why they come to watch the open volleyball practices if they are only going to criticize, if they complain about wasting their time, then they should go somewhere else. He moves from the last seats to sit in the front. He preferred the view from above, but the unpleasant comments from the group of people were annoying him. Also, he kinda understand, after his senior year, when there were no more games left to play, Kenma kept going until the last day only because of his team... and maybe because he also wanted to take advantage until the last second. 

Bokuto had told him the same thing, but he still has a lot to play.

He knew it. He noticed it by the way he moves his legs despite being tired forcing them to move with the same power as when he started, by the way his eyes follows the ball, and how they sparkle when he finally has it in his hands, but when he managed to make a point against his rival, his smile seemed to have no limits. 

In the end, the phone in his hands was only an excuse, since he couldn't take his eyes off him.

He frowns his face a little when the whistle announces the end of the match and Bokuto raises his arms moving them from side to side to get his attention. Kenma thought he couldn’t see him, he sat from afar and Bokuto made no sign that he had noticed him. He didn't even make eye contact, he looked so focused on the game... Kenma lifts his wrist slightly and greets him, but it's not enough because Bokuto runs towards him.

"Hey Hey hey!" He hears him say as he approaches, beads of sweat still running down his face. "Kenma, you didn't tell me you were coming. Did you like it? I won, I mean, I know it doesn't count, but for me it does. I always do better when people come to cheer me."

Kenma turns around and the gym is almost empty, only the group of idiots were there at the back. "Yes, umm you played very well. Your spikes are really impressive. Those people came to see you?"

Bokuto looks where the people are seated already chatting and lowers his gaze to him again. "No,” he finally says, rubbing the back of his neck and forcing a small awkward laugh. "I was talking about you. People don't come to see me anymore. But I don't mind!" He adds quickly.

"Most people are crap." He didn't miss how any of the players left without saying a single word to Bokuto, despite being him the one who made more points. “I had to work on that project I talked to you about, but the library was full so I started walking and I came here remembering that you had practice. I would like to come see you again, uhh if you want.”

"Are you kidding?! Of course I want to, I would love to!" Bokuto lifts his forearm to dry the sweat on his forehead, the smile never leaving his face. "Stay here, I'll make it quick. We can go to the cafeteria I'm starving, or not? Do you wanna somewhere else? Maybe someplace close? There's a place that makes the perfect omurice."

"Oh, I'm kind of busy, I just come here to say hi. I only have a couple of days to-"  Bokuto's expression changed immediately from pure excitement to sadness, he pouted to then force a smile and waved his hand dismissively. "But! I think I need a break. Well, I actually deserve a break, so I'll be waiting."

Bokuto's eyes light up, but he doesn't move, like if he was waiting for Kenma to change his mind. He rolls his eyes, he wouldn't have agreed to go out with him if he didn't want to. And he really needs not to look at a screen for a few hours. "Bokuto, my stomach is literally growling right now, so we must hurry."

He dreams about that same huge grin that Bokuto gave him. Not like him actually smiling, but like that same warmth in his heart when he does it, that same dazzling light forcing him to squint when seeing him, and that same feeling every time that Bokuto smiles that makes him want to do the same at him.

"Do you think he is his soulmate?"

"Hmmm maybe, Kuro usually talks about certain melodies in his dreams. Why? Are you mad?"

"Why would I be mad? It's amazing! Our best friends together."

 "They are not together yet, it will take time for them to admit it."

Koutarou turns his body completely to look at him. "Then... we will have to help them."

"If you keep distracting yourself like that you will never beat me."

The character on the screen tells him that he is the winner, he glances at his friend to see if he wants to play another game because he doesn’t want Koutarou to get tired of him, but apparently he is always ready for more.

"We could go on a double date."

Kenma almost drops the controller of his hands, but his slip lasts only a second because he can't let him beat him. "W-what?"

"The four of us could go and we will be only making sure that everything goes well for them, umm to help."

Kenma has never been on a date before and he doesn't like the idea of going with two extra people. Isn't it supposed to be to share the moment only between people who are attracted to each other? He wants to go with someone he likes with a sincere purpose, ready to try to form a deeper relationship, not to pretend, especially if it is with Koutarou. "No, I won't meddle and I don't like that idea at all."

He watches how Koutarou's character is immediately knocked out of the ring on the TV screen announcing that Kenma is the winner.

It had been over a month since his last nightmare and for some reason it started by tricking him. Everything was fine and it was a calm and normal dream until the earth began to tremble and Kenma started running and running, falling to the ground in the process, but he couldn't stop, he was looking for someone. Screaming his name until blood began to come out from his throat, Kenma closed his eyes. 

"I want to wake up, I want to wake up," he said to himself. At least he learned how to get out of that situation.

Kenma gently touches his forehead, he is sweating and he wants to cry, but he doesn't because he should learn how to control this completely by now and he doesn't want to be the victim of his damn imagination every night.

"I see you didn't sleep well last night either. Is it because of your final exam?"

"Huh? Umm yes, a little... I spent all night studying," Koutarou was playing with his food in front of him.

"Hang in there, just one more week... if you want we could go celebrate after, I was thinking of-"

"Just the two of us? 

They no longer needed the excuse of having Kuro or Akaashi by their side to spend time together. "Hmm, yes, that’s what I was thinking, but we can invite them if you want."

Koutarou shakes his head enthusiastically. "I swear it's like our minds are connected or something! We could go to an arcade that I know, and it's not one of those where you only win a small stuffed toy as a prize, there are real real prizes and I bet you will have a very high score and if it’s not enough I can give my tickets. Oh! and there is a barbecue place only a couple of blocks from there and you can eat whatever you want, it's really amazing! Last time I asked for the apple pie and they served it with ice cream on top, so you'll love it, it was crispy... just like the ones you like. "

Their minds weren’t connected at all. Kenma wanted to invite him to play at his house and order some food, maybe watch an action movie like the ones Koutarou likes, but it could be for next time. Besides, it would be good to get out of the routine, they had been doing that for the past weeks. And honestly, it was difficult for him to say no to Koutarou when he was so excited and had that huge grin on his face. "I would love to, it sounds like a great plan."

Kenma must have lost concentration and ended up waking up from his dream. Trying to control them is harder than he thought and he is a little frustrated at waking up from his beautiful setting which at first was what seemed to be his date with Koutarou, until he saw snow slowly falling out of the window, he didn't like snow very much but he couldn't stop the force of his legs when running and practically throwing himself to the ground to feel the snow, he didn't even mind being wet nor he felt cold.

With a groan he turns in his bed to see the time on his phone, it was after three in the morning so he is surprised to see Koutarou online. He has an early practice tomorrow, that an important scout organized.

-What are you doing awake? Tomorrow is supposed to be the day

-I woke up suddenly

-I think I'm too nervous : /

-What if I screw it up like last time?

-It's my last chance

-You didn't ruin it Koutarou, you were part of a team, it's not your fault!! You weren't the only player on the court and you did nothing wrong, stop tormenting yourself

-We lost because of me Kenma

-Maybe I'm not as good as I thought

-Really??? Stop it! You are, you are good mmm the best, so just stop listening to your demons and show it, show them you are the best tomorrow, so that you can continue showing the world how good you are. If it makes you feel better, I can go see you tomorrow, but I will not shout your name like you asked me, especially with only me there, and we can go to eat something after the game

-If you want

- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Kenmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa :’)

-Thank you

-It's a yes, obviously yes

Kenma doesn't sleep that night because he has a strange feeling in his stomach.

"Did you see him? Did you see that Kenma? I was amazing, I almost took that guy's arm off with the last point. They thought they could stop me." He says adding an exaggerated laugh. "I saw the man in that suit write in his notebook at all times, for a second I thought he wasn’t paying any attention to me. Do you think they would call me?"

"Yes you were, and they would be idiots if they don't, chances are that they will contact you." Kenma says trying to fight a yawn.

Koutarou is moving his body from side to side in his chair and he has been smiling for an hour now, his cheeks must be killing him. "Are you tired Kenma? Am I boring you? Ohh no, I didn't mean to talk all the time, ughhh you have to tell me when that happens."

Kenma can't help but smile, his mood has really improved. "I didn't sleep well last night, it's just that. Keep talking, I like listening to you."

Koutarou looks at him without saying anything for a few seconds. "Aaaah Kenma umm did you have a dream?"

Kenma looks at him strangely. That's just another way to ask about his soulmate, but he doesn't understand why Koutarou is interested in it. "Yes."

"Ohh."

He didn't asked Koutarou if he had dreamed and it bothers him. It bothers him not knowing why he just didn't ask at the moment and it definitely bothers him because he hasn't stopped thinking about it all day. Sometimes the words he doesn't say get stuck in his chest until he simply forgets them, but now that he's finally dreaming, the words seem to haunt him there, deep in his subconsciousness.

He was sitting in the restaurant just as he had in the afternoon, everything looked the same, exactly the same and Koutarou was in front of him looking at him expectantly with his blinding smile and his brilliant golden eyes... or were his eyes? As if he could see his own reflection on his eyes. Kenma doesn't say anything to him and yet, Koutarou doesn't erase that warm smile from his face, it was worse than a nightmare, because it had been real.

Koutarou throws a celebration party when he signs his contract with a team, fortunately here in Tokyo. Kuro has been teasing him all week by his relieved face when he heard the news. And because he has a certain tolerance for mass celebrations, Kenma only decides to go to one, leaving on his to-do list to go look for his diploma sometime choosing not to go to the graduation ceremony, maybe he will go get it when he goes to Kuro’s graduation. 

It was the same house from the party last time. There were fewer people, the noise wasn't that bad, and this time he didn’t have to follow Kuro everywhere because now he has three different options... which are reduced to just one when he sees Kuro and Akaashi walking away together almost holding their hands.

"Are you having a good time Kenma?"

"Hmm just like last time."

He hears him laugh and he is forced to look up from his console to see it. "And that is...?"

"Looking forward to getting into my bed as soon as possible."

"You don't have to stay if you don't want to, I can walk you to your house, I don't want you to be uncomfortable ehh and seeing you already is enough."

Kenma shakes his head. "I will stay until you get tired of me."

He hears him laugh again, the sound echoing in his ears as if he wants to keep it in there. "I think it would be more likely for you to get tired of me first."

"Hmm I highly doubt it."

And as if Koutarou was testing the fidelity of his words, he takes him from one place to another introducing him to people, he forces him to play a couple of group games, prepares him a few drinks and only because Kenma is more stubborn, he accepts everything… but there is a limit to everything and Kenma refuses to dance, no matter how many drinks he had in his system (or sips) he just would not do it.

Suddenly, the atmosphere was no longer so pleasant, he began to feel the strangers closer and closer to him, the music was ringing in his ears and he was sure that the room was getting smaller and smaller. A boy next to him asks him something, perhaps to tell him that it was his turn to play, but Kenma doesn’t understand it and the boy approaches his ear to whisper to him. Kenma suddenly stands because he doesn't like when someone invades his personal space, but it was a bad idea and now he feels like the room is spinning. Someone asks if he’s okay and it's the dumbest question he had ever heard because obviously he wasn't okay, he needed air, he needed to get out, he needed to go home or at least see a familiar face.

"Sorry."

"It’s nothing."

"I'd better go. Are they still there? Because if they're still there, I'll go out the window."

"There is no need, Kenma. No one will enter my bedroom, you are safe here. And forgive me I didn’t meant to pressure you to do-"

"Don't apologize, I threw up on your shoes, in front of everyone... you can't apologize after that."

"Uhh it's nothing, it's not the first time it had happened to me." Koutarou is giving him all the pillows he owns for him to be comfortable. Kenma couldn't even look him in the eye after the scene he caused. "You'd be surprised to know how many times it has happened."

Kenma makes a disgusted face. "Still... I'm sorry." 

"Kenma seriously, I've done more embarrassing things. Hey, hey... look at me." Kenma slowly lifts his head and his eyes meet. Golden looking through golden directly. "I'll go to tell them to leave, that's always the hardest part so it'll take time. Umm you can stay here for the night to s- sleep if you want, I'll sleep downstairs. Do you need anything?”

Kenma shakes his head. "I don't want to be a bother."

Koutarou looks at him for a few long seconds with a soft expression, he extends his hand towards him, but pulls away immediately. He stands as he dedicates one last look before closing the door, the smile on his eyes always present and leaving the secret on his lips.

Kenma drinks a little of the glass of water next to him and takes his phone to send a message to Kuro to tell him that he will probably stay here. He doesn’t know if he should offer his help to Koutarou, he is afraid to go down and meet anyone, he really doesn’t want to relive that torment again. He stays for a while playing with his cell phone to distract himself and little by little he hears less noise, leaving a pleasant silence in the place.

He is not sure how long he stays in bed playing on his phone and when he is certain that the other guests have already left, Kenma leaves the room looking for him. His house is huge, Koutarou had mentioned that his parents travelled often leaving him alone from an early age. As he walks down the long hallway he can see some family photos, each eye watching him, Kenma ignores their gazes and continues walking with his head down. The place is really cold, Kenma has to hug himself to get a little warm. A slight sound coming from behind makes him jump, he just has to get downstairs and he would be safe... the only problem is that he can't find the stairs and the hallway seemed to be endless.

The whispers invaded his ears and distracted him from which way to go, Kenma runs looking for an exit, he opens door after door, but only sees the same room which was Koutarou's bedroom. And the whispers were now screams. His legs are moving without his permission looking for an exit until he reaches an elevator, he wildly pressed the button to go down and exhales in relief when the doors closed. Only a few seconds pass when the elevator stops, Kenma approaches the doors, but they don’t open, he feels the murmurs behind him again and he doesn’t hesitate twice to press each button to make the doors work again.

The whispers are getting louder and he doesn't want to open his eyes anymore because he doesn't want to see their eyes. Everything gets smaller and Kenma can't breathe, he tries to find a way out with his eyes closed, but it was useless. He has to kneel on the floor because the ceiling is shrinking, there isn't enough air and Kenma is panicking, the voices just laugh behind him. He hears a voice from afar calling him.

It was his name. "Kenma." He says softly ... or shouting at him?

"Kenma?"

Kenma opens one eye at a time and feels that he can finally breathe, the room smells like hair gel and eucalyptus. The door in front of him opens and he has to close his eyes because of the intensity of the golden light. When he opens them again Koutarou is in front of him, his dazzling golden eyes looking at him with complete serenity, a small smile decorating his lips.

He immediately touches his eyes because he doesn't want Koutarou to see him cry, but there is no trace of any liquid. "I just had a nightmare," he tells him, not worrying him, Kenma grabs his chest to calm his fast heartbeat.

"I know." Koutarou sits in front of him, he raises his hand slowly. "Umm ..." he lowers it again. Only the moonlight illuminated the room. Kenma brings his arms closer to him and puts his arms around Koutarou, holding his breath until he feels Koutarou's strong arms squeezing him, a bit tight for his taste, but just as comforting 

"I saw it," Koutarou says in a whisper.

"Hmm" Kenma rubs his face on his chest. "It’s alright, it's better than dreaming about the big and empty nothing, don't you think?"

He doesn't need to see his face to know he is smiling at him, but he wants to see it anyway. "I think so, although at first I almost had a heart attack, I'm sorry... I always had a great imagination."

Kenma snorts. "It's not your fault, I think my poor sleep schedule plus all the video games also contributed a little bit."

"I knew it!" Koutarou forgets to control the volume of his voice, but he doesn't really care. Kenma pulls away from the hug and moves to the side of the bed gently tapping the empty side, it does not take long to feel a warm body next to him along with hesitant arms trying to hug him, with a movement Kenma gives him more access by intertwining one of his hands to firmly squeeze Koutarou's.

His cheeks heat up when he feels a small touch of lips on his forehead and without opening his eyes because he cannot resist the intensity of Koutarou's gaze. Kenma tries to do the same, only that he ends up kissing a part of his nose, he hears his laugh before one of them dares to close the distance between their lips, he really doesn’t know who did it, but he won’t complain. 

The kiss is short, soft and radiates safety, both are eager to continue with the attempts, but perhaps they should try when neither of them feel their eyes heavy or clouded mind slowing their movements. 

Is he dreaming? Kenma wonders. He is new to this and he still has a hard time differentiating the reality of the dream world, but his doubts are clarified when he dreams of Koutarou that night. He notices it immediately, since everything is highly ridiculous, he is practically floating from cloud to cloud, cotton candy falls from the sky like rain, which must come from the disturbed mind of his soulmate, because Kenma absolutely hates cotton candy and he fears it will stick to his hair. He hears a kitten purr and out of nowhere Kenma manages to get a small bowl of milk, the golden-eyed owl never leaves his shoulder.

Kenma feels his heart filled with joy and perhaps that is what dreams mean... a reflection of his true emotions. Maybe when he learns to control them he can meet Koutarou here, until then, he will have to settle to continue dreaming with his golden eyes and his dazzling smile.