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DARYL had to suppress a little scream. When he had raised his crossbow from his shoulder some of his hair must have gotten tangled in some parts of his weapon. He pulled out a few strands in the motion. Hurt like a bitch, but there was no time for pain now. Daryl aimed and fired. Goddamn bastard wanted to gnaw on his lunch but he got that fucker before he could sink his ghastly teeth into the deer. Daryl had followed his prey a few hours through the woods now he had to get it back to his people. Finally something that would fill their stomachs for a while. It was getting late, he had to hurry up if he wanted to be back before it got dark. Daryl rubbed his head where his hair got ripped out, he considered field dressing to lighten the weight but they could probably make some stew out of the innards. He would carry the whole deer back, after all it was not the biggest one he ever came across. The forest floor would allow to drag it at least part of the way, so he kicked the walker away and grabbed the antlers.
The deer nevertheless was heavy, he had to carry it half of the way. Daryl was soaked in sweat when he made it back. It was worth the effort. He could see their eyes lighten up even more than when he came back with smaller game or alone. They would not say anything, they always thanked him no matter what but their relief was visible in their features to him as much as their disappointment when he couldn´t get them something on their plates. This time he could take their thanks without mentally cursing himself and his inability. It got dark quick after he had arrived. They could prepare the deer the following day. The spot they had found was quite secure, maybe they could stay a few days more. Carl welcomed him back with a story of how he came up with an idea how to improve their warning system. The women had already prepared supper from the little supplies they had left. Carol brought him a plate and they ate sitting round the fire. The night got darker and it got quiet. Daryl insisted on taking the first shift. They told him to go to sleep, that he had done so much for them but he knew he wouldn´t be able to fall asleep soon.
Daryl was leaning back on a tree looking out into the night. It was quiet and plenty time for pain now. He had not thought about his brother much recently, there were a lot other things to worry about but he missed Merle, more than ever. He remembered the first time his hair got pulled out as kid, by his brother´s hand. He however could not remember his age when he started to shun away from his mother´s scissors. He did not want to get his hair cut. He did not really knew why but it had not even changed his mind when Merle started to comment on it. "When will ya cut it already, dummy, you look stupid." He had done everything his bigger brother had told him to do, just not this.
At first it was just some taunting but Merle got meaner the longer his hair got. His hair earned him his nickname. Darleena. It stuck. Merle started to call him his sister and to pull his hair frequently.
"Huh, going to be a girl now, should we get ya some fancy dress, wit som´ sweet flowers on it"
He grew a habit of pulling his hair every time he was annoyed by Daryl or just generally pissed. Daryl hated it. He was used to be hit by his brother, he would get used to much more in the future but back then it was this hair pulling crap. Stung like a bitch. Merle had no sense for what was too much with this. Daryl could take a hit, like a man even back then but this, he felt humiliated by this even more than by the hardest hits he ever had to take. Merle also used it to his advantage when they were fighting, serious or not. He would drag him down by his hair but he would always make sure that Daryl knew that he did not need to do that. He was not some girl scratching his way to victory and it was true Merle did never relie on the hair pulling in order to get the upper hand in a fight yet he choose to do it more and more. Then there was that day. Merle had not been in a good mood quite a while before that. They had a really big fight, yet Daryl could not recall what it was about but Merle eventually really ripped out a few strands of hair. The fighting stopped, but Daryl wished they had just continued to beat each other. He was crying, he rarely cried from physical pain, his fringe did not hide his tears as much as he wished even with his eyes now glued on the floor.
"What ya doing, cry like a little girl, boohoo wha´t ya did, chipped a nail, whining over nuthing, jus be a man once"
Daryl could not move an inch while his brother spat insults at him. He just stood there crying and ashamed. Daryl had no snarky comeback, nothing, after all wasn´t Merle right. He wanted to grow his hair long, and he was crying like a girl right now.
Daryl avoided his brother as much as possible after this, they did not speak. He bowed his head when Merle was around, face flushing red and hot at the slightest glimpse from his brother. The second day after there was no need for tip toeing round Merle anymore. Some adults came to their house and took Merle with them. To the juvenile hall. No one had told him, hell Merle would have known what he did and yet he did not bother to say anything to him. He just was gone, packed bag with him. Daryl had no idea how long his brother would be gone, could be a few days, months, could be years. It felt to him like he wasn´t going to see him ever again when he pressed his face into the pillow to stop his tears. But why should Merle bother to tell a whiny little shit like him that he would be gone or when he would return.
MERLE leaned back against the wall, facing the other one that was way too close for his taste. One hand was rubbing his head. He had let them cut his hair back to almost nothing, his face was freshly shaven. It was better that way. He looked neat not like when he let it grow. Shit curled. Not like in soft wavy locks, like on some romance novel cover, not that he wanted this either, but in tight tiny curls. A little tighter and it would have looked like a nigger afro, sometimes he wondered whom of his otherwise inbreed ancestors he had to blame for this. He could not walk round with god damn curly hair. He looked ridiculous when he tried to grow his hair, shit curled and just didn´t want to grow longer. Luckily not a lot of people had seen him with it. Merle assumed that if he would let it grow now it would refuse to get longer much earlier, hell his hair even started to get grey. He was not even old enough for this shit, but he should not complain, the way his hair grew or rather did not made it easier to maintain his hair cut. Nowadays he just kept it in a decent short cut, did not make much trouble, was nothing to be bothered about. What did bother him however were those god damn patches of grey. Back then his curls had at least this intense dark brown color, nothing impressive but least not grey. Still nothing compared to his brother´s blonde hair. Shined like gold whenever his baby brother was out in the sun. Did not help that the little shit refused to let it cut. Worried his mother with this, she ironed his church clothes extra neat since then. Gotta be dressed decent at least. Mom even tried to make him cut his hair with saying they would scratch some money together and do it at a hair dresser, since she assumed he was not satisfied with how she cut it. No one had ever offered that to him and that ungrateful prick rejected it. He just continued to hide behind his growing hair. Always looking to the god damn floor like he had lost something there. After their family went to shit Merle must have been the only one who ever got a full glimpse on Daryl´s eyes. The kid was shy. He was so reserved round other people, even defensive. This did not change much when he got older but that was when his long hair kinda paid off. Merle was generous with his little brother he brought him along often when he went out, sometimes he had to drag him. Get him some liquor to loosen up a bit. His sweet little baby brother and all those girls smiling at him. He could see them, they all made sweet eyes at Daryl. His baby brother did not even notice. He coulda have taken so much more advantage of this, take home some chick each night. Hell, even the nice ones that acted all chaste and would never come near someone with his reputation. Even the pretty blonde one Merle was hitting on the other night, acted all disgusted with him, though maybe he shouldn´t have called her sugar tits. But damn, girl had a nice rack and for sure acted different when she wiggled that under his brothers nose before. But he should not complain, some of them girls went home with him wishing to get closer to Daryl. He really got some fine piece of ass because of his sweet baby brother. Still it kinda bugged him that they probably thought about Daryl´s damn blonde locks when they were moaning his name. Never mind. He really had to get his brother drunk and to a bar when he got out of here.
DARYL´s fear that his brother might abandon him never really faded the following years but he got used to it that Merle was not a stable part of his life. He always longed for their reunion, yet he had to accept that they were not always pleasant.
"I thought we were past this little baby brother, when will ya finally get a decent haircut"
"Shut up Merle"
"Just cut ya hair, faggot"
Merle had been away quite a long time and when he returned he had a special new repertoire of insults. Daryl kinda got it. He was not like Merle. He did not want them to see, to know it. And even when he would be comfortable with it Daryl doubted that it would be the same for him than it was for his brother. He wanted someone he cared about, someone who cared about him, just some quick relief did not seem to be worth the effort. Merle just told him not to worry, hit their asses grab their necks, they act all sweet but they love that shit. Hell, Daryl did not even really know what to talk about with them most of the time. He was different, he kinda got what Merle must see in him.
Still did not make it better when Merle grabbed his ponytail and yanking his head back.
"Huh, were ya going so fast nancy boy"
"Get ya hands off me!"
Daryl already knew in which bar he had to look for his brother. Merle always announced to come home when they let him go but somehow he always tried his best to get into the next trouble. Daryl arrived when his brother almost fell out of the entrance door, seemingly pissed. He did not even want to stay long enough to find out what the problem was, he just wanted to pack his brother into the car and head home. Not this night. It all happened so fast. A bunch of guys followed his brother outside, shouting. By the time Daryl had reached them they had started fighting. Merle was screaming for Daryl to teach them. "Ya don´t mess with Dixons" Daryl had really tried his best. He landed a few blows but had to take way more hits. Eventually he found himself being held back by two guys, watching how the rest of them kicked his brother, who was now lying in the dirt still spiting insults at them. Merle was so drunk he would not have had a chance against half of them. Luckily the guys decided after a while that he had enough and they had some better way to spend their night. Merle never bothered to tell Daryl why he got into that mess in the first place. The guys left the place laughing. Daryl fell to his knees next to his brother. Ignoring the blood running out of his own nose he tried to make out how bad Merle was hurt. His brother was tough, toughest son of a bitch he had ever seen. He probably did not feel much pain, shitfaced as he was. Daryl could get him in the car and drove him home. His whole body arched after he had managed to drag his brother on his bed. Merle seemingly had no rips broken, no broken nose, no internal damage yet he looked like shit. Would take some time to heal after all. Daryl was still worried, hell what if they had not stopped. They could have beaten his brother to death before his eyes, and he would not have been able to stop them.
"Leave me alone with that pansy shit, ain´t drinking no water, get me smin´ real,
s´ ya fault anyway, that whole thing, that´s right, ya heard me, hell if ya had any damn nuts in that sack o´ your´s ya would have taken those shitheads down wit me,
ain´t no one messing with a Dixon"
"Screw you, ya got yourself into this all on ya own" Daryl put the dressings and disinfectant away, ain´t now way Merle would let him care for him this night, he ran his hand through his hair trying to collect himself.
"Yeah that´s right fag, gotta brush ya hair, come on braid it, make it look nice for em shit stabbers o´ yours , bet they like that shiny blonde locks of ya, makes
´em think ya are a pretty girl, a sweet pretty girl,
all of ´em years I spent trying ta make a man o´ you, this is what I get,
look at ya self, ya are a joke, ´s what ya are, can´t even fight some pansy asses like ´em, god damn sissy,
all ya do is flip ya hair for ´em fags, bet ya wiggle ya ass too, ya worthless ass, somebody had ta look after that worthless ass o´ yours, since the day ya were born
baby brudder, was always me, since the day ya were born, always me
and that´s how ya pay me off, ya let me lie in the dirt, let ´em beat me"
This night he cut his hair. Daryl knew Merle´s ramblings were the bullshit of a drunk but he could not stand it anymore. He had let his brother down. Daryl could not see it anymore he got rid off it before he fell asleep completely exhausted. Daryl felt so exposed, he stayed at home caring for his brother only going out into the woods on his own. Merle did not change. His wounds healed though. There wasn´t any hair to be pulled anymore.
His brother did not really get any different, of course not. Then the shit hit the fan and everything went to hell. Maybe if they had had more time, he could have made Merle proud. Merle might have stayed with him.
Daryl put his hand in his pocket. He got one of the leather bands he kept there and ripped off a part of it. He placed it on his thigh while he combed his fingers through his hair roughly. He gathered it behind his head, pulling it in a ponytail. Hair in the front still covering his eyes he wrapped the leather round the gathered lengths. No cutting, no getting caught in his crossbow. No hair pulling anymore but he would always be Merle´s Darlena. For all that, he missed him. More than ever.