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Xe returns to consciousness with a jerk, shitty music blaring from the cell phone xe apparently shoved under xyr pillow before passing out the night before. Karkat is pretty sure xe can literally feel the bass of ‘Turn Down for What’ pounding against the backs of xyr aching eyeballs; clearly xe had more than intended at Egbert’s shitty party last night.
Wait, how did xe even get home? Also, who the hell changed xyr ringtone to this god awful fucking song?
With bleary eyes, Karkat gropes for the piece of shit iPhone, ready to mute the damn thing and go back to sleep. But a glance at the cracked screen shows ‘MOM’ flashing in bright red letters. Shit. Xe really can’t afford to blow off the old goat again, especially after ignoring her calls for the last month and a half.
“Hello?” Karkat croaks, realizing halfway through the word that xyr mouth feels as dry as month old excrement left on the sidewalk to bake like the world’s worst cupcake.
“Heyyyy you don’t sound like my asshole of a son? Well. I mean. Also he doesn’t usually answer my calls anyway but that is completely beside the point! Are you his new amour? His shiny new side piece of sweet, sweet booty, stolen straight off a merchant’s ship? Am I gonna hafta come up there and visit to see what new piece of fine ass he’s doing the do with?” An older woman’s voice slurs in xyr ear.
“Wait, what the everloving fuck?” Karkat interrupts. “Look, lady, I’m not sure who the hell you’re trying to reach but I am definitely not your son. I don’t even know who your son is. I’m pretty sure you have a wrong number.”
Xe glances at the iPhone again. The spider webbed screen seemed appropriately shitty when xe picked it up, but now that xe stops to actually look at the phone, the shatter pattern is definitely not the one xe’s gotten so used to looking at ever since dropping it on the bathroom floor 3 months ago. Also the back case is black with small red accents, not the dull gray it should be.
Well fuck. This isn’t even xyr damn phone. This morning just decided to crash ass-backwards into a volcanic eruption of molten bullshit and xe hasn’t even gotten up to take a piss.
“Noooo silly, this is definitely his number. I know because he changed his contact to say ‘Too Radikewl’ last time he came to visit. Which hasn’t been for at least 2 months, what a flake." She finishes with a hiccup.
“Are you fucking drunk? It’s like...” Karkat pauses to glance at the phone’s screen, “10am on a Sunday. Shouldn’t you be in church or at a country club or something?” Xe’s not entirely sure what middle aged women do on Sunday morning and doesn’t really give a magical sparkling flying fuck as long as it doesn’t interrupt his routine of being passed out until noon at the least. Which, look at that, it just has.
The woman interrupts his train of thought. “Okay look. First of all, ’m not drunk. Yet. This is only my second, maybe, third mimosa. The morning's still young! Secondly, church is so boring don’t even get me started. All these old geezers in fancy hats trying to convince you that spending hours talking to this other invisible old fart is going to be better than having a hella sweet sex party.” She breaks off with a derisive snort before continuing. “Also you sound hungover as frick so it’s not like you can be catapulting stones in the front entryway of this palatial glass house either, whatever your name is.”
Karkat grinds xyr teeth. “Alright, whatever you say lady. Could you tell me who this phone actually belongs to? Because apparently I have the wrong one and I'm assuming your son probably has mine." At least xe hopes so. Otherwise he's up shit creek with nothing but the image of doing body shots off a half naked Terezi and the ghost of a memory of making out with someone who was way too skilled with their tongue.
Damn, without xyr phone xe probably didn't even get that person's number. Fucking Egbert's mixed drinks.
"Oh, Dave? I'm assuming you met him at some point given that you're holding his phone," she says smugly.
Karkat just scrubs a hand across xyr face, grimacing at the feel of prickly scruff. "Yeah, I don't actually remember him, to be perfectly honest. I'm guessing we got our phones mixed up at the party I went to last night."
Over the phone, xe hears a snort, "Atta boy, picking up boys and phones at a party. You sound like a real winner, I can't wait to meet ya."
Xe digs xyr fingers into xyr eyes, breathing deeply. "Look, can you just like, give me this Dave guy's address or something? I really need to get my phone back and I'm assuming he probably wants his back as well. I'd hate for him to not be able to talk to his dearest mother,” xe grits out sarcastically.
The woman snorts, "oh aren’t you just so kind. I still didn't get your name though. Who's the sad hangover panda that I'm speaking to?"
Karkat tries not to roll xyr eyes too hard. "Look my name's Karkat, now give me the damn address."
She actually gives it to xyr without any more fuss, and helpfully throws in some rough descriptions of his house. Of course this asshole lives in the shittest neighborhood on campus. That’s really just the glittery decorative bow on the flaming bag of putrid garbage that is xyr life.
Actually getting out of bed and finding clothes from xyr floor that don't smell rank is an arduous process, complicated by the fact that the woman - sorry, Dave's mother, is still prattling on in xyr ear about all sorts of things. Xe doesn't have the heart to hang up on her, when it seems like she probably hasn't had someone to talk to in a very long time. Also her stories about riding a horse backwards and having it barrel straight into a car salesman and once attempting to outdrink four Russians in a row on a dare aren't the worst entertainment he's ever had, honestly. Even if they're probably all just made up ramblings of a drunk. Karkat lets her talk for over an hour before hanging up.
**********
Rolling up to the house she described, it's clear that no one has given a damn about this building for a long ass time. Beer cans litter the front bushes and the couch on the front porch doesn't even look that shabby compared to the broken pieces of chairs strewn across the yard. There's a scrawny black cat with white markings across its face wandering around the garbage cans. Karkat isn't entirely certain the creature is even alive - it's so scraggly it seems more like something that was hastily taxidermied and brought back to life.
Knocking on the door, Karkat feverishly hopes that this guy isn't as much as an asshole as he's expecting from the decor. A small, pale-skinned guy answers the door. He's shorter than most people, which is nice given that Karkat xemself is also pretty short, something xe tries not to think about mostly. The guy has white-blonde hair that's artfully swept to to one side in a way that screams ‘trying too hard to look effortless’ and for whatever fucking reason he's got sunglasses on despite the slightly overcast sky and the fact he was inside a fucking house.
So much for hoping he wouldn't be a raging douche.
"'Sup?" the guy says, a bored tone, looking xyr over.
Karkat screws up xyr face a little, reminding xemself that xe just needs to get xyr phone and then can leave this shitty neighborhood with its half dead zombie cats and sunglasses wearing irony laced douchebags."You’re Dave, right? I think that we accidentally switched phones at a party last night? And I'd like to get mine back."
The guy looks mildly surprised, "The fuck? How did you even get my address, are you some kind of stalker? Cause like, I'm flattered and all, but I've got a girlfriend and I don't think she'd like it much if I ran off with my weird ass stalker lover into the sunset to sip margaritas on the beach. I mean, actually she'd probably be cool with it, but only if I took her too."
Sputtering, Karkat works up a retort but Dave just waves xyr off and smirks, "Yo, I’m just fucking with you, I do remember you from last night. I'm pretty sure you were doing body shots off my girlfriend.”
"Wait, you're dating Terezi?!” Karkat exclaims. “She didn't tell me she had a new boyfriend, what the fuck!"
Dave laughs, "Yeah dude, we've been dating for like a month now. And she totally did tell you, right before we started playing truth or date. During which, might I add, you got your ass totally handed to you, seeing as you don't even seem to remember who I am or why I have your cell phone."
"The fuck?!" Karkat screams, finally losing xyr patience with this stupid day and its shitty ass bullshit and this incomprehensibly insufferable prick.
"Yeah man, we totally played truth or dare for like two hours. I have your phone because my sister Rose dared you to trade with me so that you would have to deal with our mother's weekly Sunday morning call. Which I assume you didn't actually answer because why the fuck would you?"
Karkat’s face starts to turn a rather impressive shade of purple.
"Damn, wait. Dude you didn't. You totally answered it. Oh my god that's fucking hilarious. How long were you stuck listening to the sweet poetry of my mother’s life story? She's usually pretty tipsy by the time she calls, did you have to hear the one about the horse and the car salesman?" Dave starts cracking up, "or that crap about the Russians? This is too much, god fucking damn I can’t wait to tell Rose."
"Look you giant rotting sack of maggot infested cocks, if you don't give me my phone in the next five seconds I'm going to drag your intestine straight out your ass just so I can shove it back down your throat until you choke to death on my deliciously prepared meal of FUCK YOU!”
Taking a step back, Dave puts up his hands in appeasement. "Chill dude, don’t flip your shit." He takes out the phone from the pocket of his ridiculous, artfully distressed designer jeans and hands Karkat the phone. “I relinquish your phone. Go frolic together like the actors in a laundry detergent commercials, running through a field of sunshine, clearly stoned out of their minds.”
Karkat swipes xyr phone from the Dave and dumps his own stupid phone at his feet. "Yeah what the fuck ever you giant worthless shitweasel. Now fuck off.”
Dave smirks, "I'm sure I'll see you at Egbert’s next clown infested festival. I know how much you like Terezi, so I’m sure we'll cross paths again. Also, if you ever want to make out again, let me know."
Karkat freezes, remembering the memory of a kiss xe'd thought of this morning. Ah fuck...no fucking way this asshole was the amazing kisser xe made out with last night. Jesus fucking christ on a stick.
Dave pulls off his ridiculous fucking sunglasses and actually has the audacity to wink at xyr. "Anyway, see you around, Karkat. Let me know if you ever want to talk to my mom again. You did me quite a favor for entertaining her this morning." Before Karkat can even say a word through xyr seething pool of rage, Dave scoops up his wrecked iPhone and heads back inside.
After the he slams the door shut in xyr face, Karkat looks down at the phone, finally turning it back on. It flashes to life and a heavily filtered picture of Dave's face is now set as the background. He's making a douchetastic face, clearly aiming for the perfect ironic selfie. Across the screen is a snapchat caption which reads: call me: 857-392-5324.
Twisting xyr mouth in annoyance, xe can’t help but admire the guy’s balls a little. Dave may be a total asshat, but he was certainly a good kisser as well. And Karkat is always down for a good fuck: considering Terezi’s hooking up with him, he’s probably pretty damn good in bed too.
"We’ll see, asshole. We'll fucking see."