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It was comfortable. That was likely the best way to describe their relationship Zheng Xuan thought to himself. Like a well-worn piece of clothing. Worn often enough that it may lack a true shape, but it fit nicely, comforting, familiar and safe. The grooves of their relationship had been smoothed out by years of companionship and they fit well.
At least, they fit one of them well.
It was- comfortable. That was the best word to use to describe their relationship Yu Feng thought to himself. Comfortable. Safe. And an uncharitable person may suggest boring. He didn’t want to be uncharitable, didn’t want to seem dissatisfied, but there was a part of him that whispered for more. That longed for excitement, for blazing dazzling lights and action.
But he was here, with comfortable. With safe.
Zheng Xuan wasn’t blind. Wasn’t blind to the fact that his boyfriend wasn’t satisfied, was looking for more. He was well aware of how the press saw him, what the fans said about him, what his fellow pros thought. Unmotivated. Lacking ambition. Lazy. Zheng Xuan saw no reason to disagree with them, no reason to protest the words.
“Aren’t they true?” He found himself thinking, it was no secret that his catchphrase was how stressful and looking at Blue Rain’s dual core, he thought he was right. That being a shining star of Glory, that standing centre stage, all eyes glued to your every move, would be stressful. He didn’t long for any of that, there wasn’t a secret wish to become a captain, to try and become part of the core of a team. He was content.
Zheng Xuan had heard the rumours. Of what he could achieve with Yu Feng. If he tried. If they wanted it. A new duo, a revival of the lost Blood and Blossoms. But he didn’t have the ambition for it. It was enough for him to remain part of the team. Needed, important and essential. But not the core. He was happy to follow Yu Wenzhou’s orders, willing to follow along and hone his skills. It didn’t matter if the fans didn’t notice or care. He didn’t mind.
Yu Feng wanted more. As much as he wanted to ignore it, as much as he wished he could be more like Zheng Xuan and be content with his role within Blue Rain, he wanted more. He wanted to be the shining star of a team, to stand at the summit of Glory. What he wanted, captaincy, to be the core of a team, they were merely words to others, but to him, to him they were everything.
He found himself clashing with Zheng Xuan more and more, frustrated by his lack of ambition, confused by his- his- apathy? Yu Feng couldn’t find the right word to describe it. Zheng Xuan completed his training, would take part in drills, had careful notes on Blue Rain’s tactics- he was an essential player. And he was happy being that and nothing more.
“Don’t you ever- don’t you ever want to be more?” Zheng Xuan startled, blinking slow and calm, head tilted to the side as he considered the question.
“What do you mean?” Yu Feng waved with the hand not wrapped around his boyfriend’s shoulder, punctuating his point.
“To be more! To want to leave standing in Yu Wenzhou and Huang Shaotian’s shadows behind! To move away from their brightness so that your own light can be seen! To be the core! The captain! To be more than a player- to reach the summit of Glory!” Yu Feng knew what Zheng Xuan was going to say before he said it, his prediction accurate.
“How stressful.” Zheng Xuan shook his head, as if the shake away the notion of having to do more, be more, carry the weight of the team.
“You don’t want to reach the peak of Glory?” Zheng Xuan shrugged, motion casual, artless, endlessly frustrating.
“I’ve reached my peak of Glory.” That was the moment, Yu Feng would later realise as the moment he realised that perhaps he and Zheng Xuan were destined to end. That they were just too different, in terms of ambition, of dreams and goals.
How could two people survive their lives going in different directions?
Yu Feng soon found out.
The offer was too much to resist. Maybe someone more selfless or perhaps someone with less ambition, less drive, someone more like Zheng Xuan, would have turned it down. But for Yu Feng, for Yu Feng Hundred Blossoms was offering him everything he ever wanted. Blossoming Chaos held prestige, prestige his current account lacked. Hundred Blossoms also offered a captaincy, the opportunity to be the core of a team and a chance to shine away from the near blinding light of Yu Wenzhou and Huang Shaotian.
Of course he took it.
Of course there was a backlash.
The fans were vicious. Yu Feng found himself having the full attention of Blue Rain’s fanbase for the first time and the rumours were brutal. Accusations of betrayal, of greed, of putting himself over his team, they all ran rampant. Zheng Xuan got dragged in as an example of how Yu Feng should be content with his position. Should just accept where he was in life and not push for more.
He’d expected Zheng Xuan to protest. To argue or try and convince him to stay. But nothing changed between them. Zheng Xuan still came to his room at night, curled up beside him to sleep. Still brushed against him in the corridor, offering a soft secret smile, just for him. Nothing changed. Even with the chaos of his boyfriend’s transfer, Zheng Xuan remained unmoved.
Blue Rain fought to keep him. All-Star players didn’t just miraculously appear from the ground, they’d trained him carefully, invested in him, ensured he’d be strong enough to support the team. It wasn’t surprising they didn’t want to let him go after everything they’d put into him.
Outside of the financial investment, the emotional investment. The ties he’d forged with his team, the friendships, the trust and the camaraderie they had with each other. The loyalty to Blue Rain was relatively easy to let go of, players transferred teams all the time, it was natural. It was the reality of competitive industries. But letting go of the people he’d played alongside for years? That was much harder, and the same could be said for his soon to be old teammates.
In the end, in the end Yu Wenzhou stepped up to take charge, as the captain, going to speak to management, convince them it was the right decision. No one knew what was said, Huang Shaotian likely had an inkling, but whatever he’d said, it had worked. Blue Rain agreed to the transfer and Yu Feng found himself admiring Yu Wenzhou a little more. Admiring how seriously he took his captaincy, the wellbeing of his players, even if that meant letting them go.
Yu Feng hoped that he could inspire the same respect in Hundred Blossoms that Yu Wenzhou inspired here.
The leaving party was strange. Equal parts celebration for Yu Feng while Blue Rain was mourning the loss of a player. Huang Shaotian didn’t leave Yu Wenzhou’s side the entire day, stuck to him like glue and he was crying. Yu Feng had attempted comfort but Huang Shaotian had just waved him off, even as he wiped away his tears.
“Don’t worry, don’t worry, don’t bother with me Yu Feng, this is good, this is exciting for you, don’t let this, let me ruin it, go talk to someone else, I’m fine, I’m fine.” Yu Feng found his gaze flicking to Yu Wenzhou, searching for reassurance and his captain- his old captain, nodded, lips curled up into a small smile.
“Go, he’s okay.” Before Yu Feng turned away, Yu Wenzhou spoke again, voice quiet and sincere. “We are happy for you Yu Feng. Congratulations.” He’s not sure how to respond outside of nodding, fixed, plastic smile on his face, unsure of how obvious his desire to lead had been.
Then again, Yu Wenzhou had always been perceptive, able to read people almost better than they seemed to know themselves so perhaps it wasn’t surprising.
Yu Feng spotted Zheng Xuan, standing a little bit away from everything else, the main part of the party and he found his annoyance at how well they’d avoided the subject of his transfer was coming to a head. He was by his boyfriend’s side in a moment, muttering into his ear, knowing that the tight bundle of emotions in his chest was bleeding frustration into his voice.
Once they were away from everyone else, in a quiet corridor, out of earshot, Yu Feng found himself without anything to say. For a long moment they just stared at one another, silent as Zheng Xuan waited for him to speak, waiting for something, anything to be said.
“Do you care?” It came out harsher than Yu Feng had intended but he refused to take it back, certain that it was important that they faced it. They’d been together for over two years, surely Zheng Xuan cared.
“Of course I care.”
“Then?!” When Zheng Xuan merely blinked, confusion clear in his eyes Yu Feng elaborated, tripping over his words. “Then why- why haven’t we spoken about it? My transfer? I’m leaving. I’m going and we haven’t- we never talked.”
“What would we have talked about?” Before Yu Feng could speak, Zheng Xuan continued, pressing on. “When you’ve wanted this, an opportunity like this, for so long?” Yu Feng found himself without anything to say, knowing that Zheng Xuan was right, that there wasn’t much to be said, that nothing Zheng Xuan said would have swayed him to stay.
“You could come with me.” Even as he says it, he knows it’s a last resort that won’t do anything, in fact, Zheng Xuan was shaking his head before he finished speaking.
“I couldn’t. Too stressful. I like it here, I want to stay.”
“Would you have asked me to stay? If we’d talked?”
“You wouldn’t have stayed. What’s the point in asking these questions, these what ifs?” Zheng Xuan shrugs, motion heartbreakingly casual as he continues. “You’re leaving, you don’t want to stay, it makes sense that we end as well.”
While Zheng Xuan’s words were harsh, arguably cold in his bluntness, if Yu Feng was honest, he had expected this. Part of the reason he’d never brought up his transfer was that he knew that it would likely end in the two of them splitting up. Their paths were diverging. Yu Feng’s ambition, Zheng Xuan’s lack thereof, it was arguably inevitable. They were incompatible. They didn’t understand one another, it made sense to split.
Yu Feng hadn’t expected it to hurt this much.
“You’re right. It makes sense.” He squeezed Zheng Xuan’s shoulder, unsure of what to do now, unsure of what to say and so he turned away. Turned back to where the party was and walked away from the moment. He didn’t look back.
If he had, if he had decided to look back, he might have seen Zheng Xuan’s expression. He might have caught the way his now-ex trembled, ever so slightly. He might have seen how Zheng Xuan’s eyes followed him, remained fixed on his back as he walked away.
If Yu Feng had seen this, he might have stopped walking. Might have turned back and asked again. Asked again if he would come with him, or at the very least ask to remain together. But Yu Feng didn’t turn around and Zheng Xuan didn’t look back.
Their relationship had been comfortable and Zheng Xuan was suddenly struck by just how comfortable it had been. He found himself turning to speak to someone who wasn’t there, reaching out for someone who was gone. It threw him off balance and he found himself wondering if it would have been better to remain together. If they could have made their relationship work, even if they weren’t in the same city, in the same team.
Yu Feng wondered why he’d ever had an issue with comfortable. He would have done anything for comfortable, for something familiar and reassuring. Zheng Xuan had been a constant, comforting and safe. Being the new core and the new captain of Hundred Blossoms was difficult, time-consuming and, as Zheng Xuan would put it, stressful. Yu Feng found himself wishing they’d tried to remain together. Wishing that Zheng Xuan had more ambition or that he had less. That maybe comfortable was something he’d taken for granted.
Something he hadn’t appreciated until he’d lost it.
Zheng Xuan caught sight of Yu Feng a little while later, caught sight of him surrounded by his new teammates, chattering away with them, gesturing as he spoke, grin bright on his lips. He was- he was happy, you could see his joy in every line of his body, it was dancing across his face. He looked happier than he’d ever been at Blue Rain and as much as it sent a pang through his chest, it reassured Zheng Xuan.
Reassured him that Yu Feng had made the right choice, that Hundred Blossoms was the right choice for him. Seeing him, seeing the delight that was spread across Yu Feng’s face made Zheng Xuan wonder if he’d reached his summit of Glory and he hoped that his former teammate and ex could reach that peak.
Zheng Xuan slipped away from the scene before he was spotted, seeing no reason to interrupt, to dredge up old conversations and feelings. But seeing Yu Feng again made him smile, had him pleased that Yu Feng had what he’d always hoped for. Zheng Xuan couldn’t see the appeal, still couldn’t understand the desire to lead, to hold the heart of a team in his hand, but that didn’t matter.
It mattered to Yu Feng and Zheng Xuan was glad he’d achieved what he wanted.
Yu Feng glanced up, certain someone had been watching him but there was no one there and he pushed the disappointment that Zheng Xuan wasn’t there away. He was happy, he had the captaincy he’d always wanted, he had the prestige of an account like Blossoming Chaos, Yu Feng was happy.
But he couldn’t help but wonder. Couldn’t help but wonder about Zheng Xuan and if they really had been destined to fall apart. That if he’d pushed a little harder, reached out a little more, that he could still have him by his side, even if they ultimately wanted different things.
Yu Feng pushed the thought out of his mind and focused on the present.
“No need to dwell on what could have been.” He thought, forcing himself back into the present. What he didn’t know was that Zheng Xuan often told himself this as well. That he couldn’t change it. That they were always going to drift apart. But the question wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t leave either of them. Could it have worked? Would they have been happier? Was it still possible?
What if?