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It was almost better being called Deadlast. Yu Wenzhou kept his face blank and pleasant, refusing to let on that he could hear what the others were saying, kept his eyes on his notebook, even as the whispers grew louder. He continued to scribble down his latest observations, notes on how the team could mesh better, trying to be as well prepared for his debut as he could. Yu Wenzhou still ate alone, his victory over Wei Chen only isolating him further, even if the taunts had ceased.
He kept his head down, refused to acknowledge the fact that no one spoke to him unless there was no other choice, continued to show up to training and hone his skills. He, along with Huang Shaotian, had pushed back their debuts for the sake of improving, it didn’t matter if he was still shunned and ignored, what mattered was Glory. What mattered was improving. What mattered was being ready to debut in season four.
Yu Wenzhou startled when Huang Shaotian suddenly dumped his tray beside him at lunch, depositing himself in the seat next to him. It lacked fanfare, but everyone’s head had turned to stare at them while Huang Shaotian seemed unbothered and continued to eat. He didn’t seem to notice the eyes trained on him, Yu Wenzhou’s included. Blue Rain’s rising star had been weirdly silent since Wei Chen had disappeared and to find him sitting next to him was- surprising, to say the least.
“What are you writing?” Yu Wenzhou didn’t consider himself easily thrown off, but he wasn’t sure how to respond to Huang Shaotian suddenly sitting down beside him and speaking to him. It took a few moments before he recovered and nudged his notebook closer to the other trainee, trailing a finger across his diagram as he explained.
“I was watching an old match against Excellent Era and I found that it was at this critical point that the tide of the battle changed-“
Yu Wenzhou couldn’t help but feel buoyed by Huang Shaotian’s friendship, enjoying discussing tactics, Glory mechanics and opinions of opponents with him. Slowly but surely he began to integrate with the other trainees more and more, becoming a part of their group. Apologies for calling him Deadlast were proffered and accepted and Yu Wenzhou smiled more during training. Content.
It didn’t matter if contact with his old friends had dropped off, they were all growing up and it was hard for them to understand his drive for Glory. But the other trainees understood, they had the same goals, the same dreams, to reach the summit of Glory, to continually strive to get better, to improve, to be the best that they could be.
And out of all of the trainees, Huang Shaotian understood this goal the best.
As much as he joked and chattered throughout every training match, throwing out words alongside his actions with ease, he was surprisingly focused on his progress. He threw himself into synergy training with gusto, attacking just a vigorously as he’d attack opponents. Yu Wenzhou found himself on the receiving end of Huang Shaotian’s smiles when they’d work together to decimate another group, hand coming down against his shoulder.
“Great job!” His smile was bright, blinding and warmed something in Yu Wenzhou’s chest. Reassured him that he could belong, that he did belong, that he didn’t have to be isolated anymore.
Yu Wenzhou was passing through the common room, remembering that he’d forgotten his notebook in there earlier. No one noticed him enter and he didn’t speak, not planning on staying long. Later he’d wish he’d been seen, that someone had spotted him or that he’d chosen to speak up. He wished he hadn’t heard the conversation the other trainees were having.
“Huang Shao, you spend so much time with Yu Wenzhou these days, are you two friends?” The scoff cut deep, took the warm feelings and froze then shattered them in his chest and Huang Shaotian’s eyeroll could be heard in his voice.
“Friends? No. Captain Wei was supposed to be the warlock I’d play beside but now it’s going to be Yu Wenzhou. I have to be friendly with him, for the sake of the team I can be friendly and work well with him. That doesn’t make us friends, how stupid can you be?”
How stupid can you be? The question ran over and over in Yu Wenzhou’s head as he returned to his room. He’s nearly certain that his expression isn’t his usual calm, collected façade but his roommate doesn’t bother to ask and Yu Wenzhou is left to repeat the question in his mind silently.
It was a valid question to consider in Yu Wenzhou’s opinion. After all, Huang Shaotian had never said that they were friends, had never actually addressed that point. Admittedly, it was fair to assume that they had become friends, having spent so much time together discussing strategies, tactics and breaking down the individual classes-
Yu Wenzhou blinked as he realised something. He’d never spoken to Huang Shaotian about anything other than Glory. Despite spending hours together each day in training, he couldn’t think of a single time they’d moved away from Glory. Or spent any time together outside of training and mealtimes, moments where they were mandated to be in the same place.
It was strange, coming to a realisation suddenly like that, the pieces all falling into place to complete the picture, weirdly satisfying, even if Yu Wenzhou didn’t like what he saw. It was jarring to suddenly see that he’d been deluding himself, so desperate to belong that he’d seen friendship where it didn’t truly exist.
Yu Wenzhou’s thoughts were only confirmed at dinner, now that he was paying attention, lending a more discerning eye, he could see the distant look in Huang Shaotian’s eye, could see how it wasn’t a friendship. Could see that Huang Shaotian was just being a professional, recognising what their roles would be when they debuted and adjusting his behaviour to prepare to work together.
Yu Wenzhou made a mental note to readjust his expectations. He didn’t have to be friends with his team. Perhaps it wasn’t even reasonable to expect to be friends with his team. It was enough that they could work together, it was enough that they were teammates. He didn’t need more.
Sometimes, sometimes Yu Wenzhou wished he were less discerning. Wished he couldn’t read people so easily. Because as he sat quietly in the training room, discussing the flow of the battle with the other trainees, he could see how they were still distant. That their eyes flickered over him more often than not, even if he were the only one talking.
The only person who paid attention to him fully was Huang Shaotian. He took detailed notes on everything that Yu Wenzhou said, kept rapt eyes on him throughout the theory lessons and his concentration never seemed to waver. Before overhearing his real feelings, Yu Wenzhou had been glad of the attention, pleased that Huang Shaotian cared enough to listen.
Now he knew better.
Now he knew that Huang Shaotian didn’t care about what he said because they were friends. Huang Shaotian cared about what he said because Huang Shaotian cared about Blue Rain. Cared about the future of their team. Yu Wenzhou knew that if he didn’t have a place in Blue Rain once they debuted, that Huang Shaotian would never have reached out. Even if he was joining the pro scene, it was because he was set to inherit Swoksaar that Huang Shaotian ever bothered speaking to him in the first place.
It bothered him more than it should have.
Yu Wenzhou felt the urge to call out after them. Call out after Huang Shaotian, force him to acknowledge, to admit that they weren’t friends, that they were merely colleagues, forced to work together. But although he opened his mouth, he couldn’t bring himself to speak. And Yu Wenzhou found that he didn’t actually want Huang Shaotian to admit that they weren’t friends. That he didn’t want to face the fact that the only reason Huang Shaotian was friendly was because he’d inherited Wei Chen’s account.
So he shut his mouth and turned away. Didn’t bring it up because a little voice in his head told him that if he pushed, if he brought it up, he’d lose what little companionship they were willing to give him. So, Yu Wenzhou told himself to be content, to be satisfied with what he had, that it was enough. That it had to be enough.
After all, it was all he had.
Yu Wenzhou was distant. With his new team, he kept himself apart. They wondered about it for a while, hushed voices, quiet rumours that he’d wanted a different placement, that he disliked them all, that he was arrogant. But the encouraging words, the effort into crafting each team member’s training spoke to Yu Wenzhou having a genuine care for them. They were stumped.
They turned to Huang Shaotian, expecting him to know their captain the best but Huang Shaotian just shrugged, casual and devastating as he told them he didn’t know Yu Wenzhou well. That he’d been like this in the training camp as well, isolated and set apart from them all. When their performance didn’t drop, when Yu Wenzhou continued to put in the effort to sync with them, would smile and work to improve their teamwork, Blue Rain pushed their worries out of their mind.
It was fine. He was fine.
Yu Wenzhou found himself politely declining suggestions that he should hang out with the rest of the team after practice. Huang Shaotian had integrated easily, he may be loud and boisterous but he was likeable, friendly and appeared to fit in. Yu Wenzhou found no reason to pretend that he and Huang Shaotian were close, saw no need to try and become friends with his team. It was easier to stay distant than set himself up for rejection.
After all, it was enough that they worked well together, they didn’t need to be friends, just friendly.
So, he turned down the offers, citing exhaustion, work or other commitments. He knew about the rumours that swirled. That he was cold, detached and seemingly willing to isolate himself. But he was praised for his teamwork, his tactics and eventually the rumours stopped and everyone accepted that Yu Wenzhou preferred to be alone. That he would chose to be alone over being friends with another.
As that became the accepted narrative, people stopped reaching out, deciding that there was no need to ask if captain wanted to come join them for a post-match meal, or if he wanted to spend some time outside on their days off. They just left to enjoy their time together and Yu Wenzhou would watch them leave, would watch as they nudged at each other, laughter ringing through the air and something in his chest would ache slightly.
Just slightly, just an edge of pain but it was still there.
There were jokes that he didn’t understand, stories that he wasn’t a part of, the distinct distance between Yu Wenzhou and his team. It was subtle, you had to be within Blue Rain’s core team to catch it, to spot the way the captain would smile before he left the team to themselves, the way he’d never linger after training even though the vice-captain did.
Eventually, eventually, Huang Shaotian was asked to speak to him. They’d been playing together for years, been together when they’d won a championship, Blue Rain didn’t understand why Yu Wenzhou still held himself at a distance from the rest of them. If it wasn’t arrogance and if he liked them, then why not spend time with them? Why not be their friend?
“What’s wrong with you?” Huang Shaotian caught Yu Wenzhou after the team left, leaning against the table, arms folded across his chest while Blue Rain’s captain capped his pen and glanced up at him.
“What do you mean?” Yu Wenzhou frowned when Huang Shaotian threw his arms up, incredulity written across the planes of his face, mouth slightly open in confusion.
“You don’t know?” Before Yu Wenzhou could respond he’s already forging ahead wanting to end the conversation sooner rather than later, expecting the answer was just that Yu Wenzhou preferred to be alone. “You never come hang out with the team when they invite you out, you always say you’re busy or tired or that you’ve got something else planned and then you always seem to go sit in your room. They think you don’t like them. At all.” Huang Shaotian looks over at Yu Wenzhou and was surprised by the expression on his face.
It was nothing but sharp vulnerability, stark and shocking.
“Weren’t they just being polite?”
“Well, yeah, but if you’d ever come to hang out then you’d become their friend.” Yu Wenzhou’s head tilted to the side, the same motion he did whenever he was trying to puzzle out something particularly confusing but what he said was so far from what Huang Shaotian had expected.
“But there’s no need to be friends, it’s enough that we work well together.” Huang Shaotian is abruptly reminded of a conversation he’d had, a little while before they’d debuted, declaring that there was no need for him to be friends with Yu Wenzhou. That he would just be friendly with him for the sake of Wei Chen.
“I didn’t think you’d heard that.” Huang Shaotian knew the excuse was weak and he couldn’t find the right words to undo what he’d said, words that Yu Wenzhou had clearly taken to heart. “Besides, that’s not true, we can be friends- the team wants to be friends, not just friendly-“ Huang Shaotian was cut off by Yu Wenzhou’s hand on his shoulder, Blue Rain’s captain standing, polite, distant smile on his lips.
“There’s no need to apologise, you were right,” while his tone remained even, Huang Shaotian could see a quiet sadness in his eyes, “there’s no need for us to be friends. We work well as teammates, that is the most important thing. It’s unimportant for us to be friends outside of Glory.” Before Huang Shaotian could find anything else to say Yu Wenzhou had already left, already slipped out of the room, likely to go work alone while the rest of the team hung out in the common room.
Huang Shaotian felt a weird regret in his chest, Yu Wenzhou’s quiet defeat making shame pool warm and overwhelming in his stomach. That Yu Wenzhou had decided there was no point in being friends with Blue Rain because Huang Shaotian had pushed him away all those years ago, it sat badly with him, gave him the urge to run after Yu Wenzhou and- and-
And what? Yu Wenzhou had made it clear that he wasn’t interested in his apologies and there was no need to air his dirty laundry and Yu Wenzhou’s thoughts with the rest of the team. Besides, Yu Wenzhou had a point. They still worked well as a team even without a close friendship with their captain, was it truly that important?
The defeat and sadness in Yu Wenzhou’s eyes made it important, made Huang Shaotian want to make it right. The problem was, he didn’t know how.
Yu Wenzhou felt oddly light. He’d finally had a chance to have Huang Shaotian admit that they weren’t friends, that they’d never been friends, that Huang Shaotian had reached out because of Glory and nothing else.
His door slid shut behind him and Yu Wenzhou settled at his desk, pulling out some paperwork that was due soon. He allowed the entirety of his focus to be absorbed by the task, keeping his attention on answering management’s questions and arranging training schedules. Yu Wenzhou remained disciplined and refused to let his mind wander or linger on anything outside of his set task.
If he did that, maybe he could ignore the persistent ache in his chest until it went away. Maybe he could ignore the loneliness that had a stranglehold on his other emotions long enough until the feeling faded, or at least lessened enough that he could push it to the back of his mind. He was still a part of Glory, his team respected him and they all worked well together.
It was enough. It had to be. After all-
What else was there?