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Adrien had already forgotten which was the joke that finally did it - made her laugh that full-on laugh that got her clutching her belly and gulping for air, hiccuping in between bursts of renewed mirth. He was too mesmerised by the sound ringing in the night, by the abandon with which she surrendered to the feeling, by the way her eyes gleamed in the darkness when she finally brushed a few stray tears and looked at him.
“That was exactly what I needed,” she said, still a little breathless. “Thanks, kitty, this was great. I could totally kiss you right now,” she added with a flirtatious smile, leaning towards him.
He knew it was a joke, perfectly innocent and one that should make his heart sing because he’d made her laugh, of course she’d say something like this! But the truth was it felt like a bucket of cold water dropped over his head.
He froze, unable to move or say anything. He couldn’t control his reaction even if he knew it was irrational. The truth was it hurt.
There was a time when he’d longed to hear her say this, even as a joke. But he was now in too deep for that. He didn’t know exactly when his feelings for her had changed. From that exhilarating and walking-on-air when near her feeling or thinking about her for hours on end, imagining all the ways he would sweep her off her feet and make her fall for him.
Was it the moment when she said she was in love with someone else? Was this when he realised what a fool he’d been? Too blind and optimistic to see it. Or was it after that, when he tried to give her space, to respect her wishes but still found the pull he felt towards her irresistible?
Then, gradually, they’d kind of fallen into this unrehearsed dance of jokes and flirting. Back and forth. And at first his heart had been soaring. Maybe she was changing her mind, maybe he was finally wearing her down? He couldn’t stop his fickle heart from hoping, hoping, no matter how many times he told himself not to read too much into it.
But with time it became painful. It was so hard to keep himself at check all the time. It was tiring, having to remind himself that she didn’t really mean it, that it was his heart playing tricks on him.
He never would have imagined that love, that same feeling that sent him to unrivalled heights and made him feel like he was floating on air, could also send him crashing to the ground. It could still make him feel in heaven while filling him with a desire to escape from this torture.
It was a bit like this with his dreams. It was pure ecstasy, dreaming of being with her in the way he wanted to, of her declaring her love for him and kissing him senseless. But the more he realised how unlikely it was for this to happen, the more painful it became every time he woke up, to realise that it was yet another dream, not reality. He still longed to dream of her, it was the only way he could be like that with her, but he was a bit afraid too. He wasn’t sure how much more his heart could take of that excruciating feeling of letting go of that dream in the morning, of coming to terms with reality once again.
He realised he’d been too quiet and hadn’t really said anything in response to her comment. He didn’t want to do it, to ruin the moment with his melancholic realisations, but it was just too hard sometimes.
“You have no idea what you’re doing to me, do you?” He heard himself saying. He saw her pause, rethink what she’d said, realise all the implications and wince.
“I-I didn’t mean it like that,” she said and he hated himself for taking the wind out of her sails, for the deflated look she now had. But maybe it was right for her to know, to see what he felt.
“The truth is that I never know if you’re just joking around or being serious. I don’t want to do that but I always look for the subtext, for the hidden meaning. I can’t stop myself from doing it. I can’t turn off the hope in my heart. It hurts.”
“Kitty, I..-” she tried to say, but he kept going.
“Are you hiding behind flirting because it’s safer than facing your own feelings? Or are you doing it just for the fun of it, because you know it’s safe with me, that I can take it?” He saw her flinch as if he’d hit a nerve. “I appreciate it, that you feel comfortable enough with me to do that, but I wish it didn’t make me feel so wretched, knowing that you’re not serious.”
He looked away, suddenly embarrassed by his outburst. She didn’t deserve it, he knew that. It had been a hard lesson to learn - that you can’t really force someone to love you and you have to respect their choice. Because they were human after all and had the same unforgiving heart that decided what to do without asking for their opinion first. They couldn’t really force themselves to feel something that wasn’t there.
He jumped a little when he felt a knee bump into his leg and looked up to see her kneeling next to him.
“I’m sorry. I had no idea this is how you feel,” she said softly.
“I know, I tell this to myself every time,” he said, “but this doesn’t make it hurt less. I wish I could change how I feel about you. That it wasn’t this all-consuming fire burning through me, obliterating everything in its way, leaving behind a parched guy that needs every small gesture, every smile, every word to quench his thirst and hates himself for his neediness. I don’t know which hurts more to be honest. That I can’t help myself or that I can’t even try change it, that deep down I don’t want to.”
To his horror, he heard that small catch in his voice. He closed his eyes, trying to bring how he felt under control, to regain his composure. But it was so hard with her there, so close to him. He felt too emotional after he’d just laid himself bare like that in front of her.
A tentative touch to his face pulled him back into the moment. His eyes opened to find her leaning over him, a gentle hand cupping his cheek. She searched his eyes, not moving in spite of the despair she must have seen there. She was so close and yet so far, unreachable. It broke his heart anew.
“I love you so much,” he whispered, surprised by the rawness in his voice. He blinked to clear his vision, gone blurry all of a sudden. Only for his breath to hitch in his throat as he felt her lips on his cheek. His eyes closed unbidden at the unexpected onslaught of sensation caused by the featherlight touch.
“Don’t cry,” she whispered and it was only then that he realised a tear must have slipped from his eye. And she’d caught it with her lips, a poor attempt to comfort him while it only helped to send his heart into overdrive.
Before he could react, he felt the ghost of a touch at the corner of his lips. He felt as if he was dying, it was the sweetest torture. He wanted nothing more than to turn his head just a little and capture the warmth and softness of her lips with his own. He wanted to drown himself in her, to lose touch with reality, even for just a second. But he also knew that it would hurt so much more after that.
“Don’t,” he rasped and the cool air on his skin told him she’d pulled back. He opened his eyes slowly, praying for strength. “Don’t do it unless you mean it,” he said, a mix of plea and warning.
He saw her blink in confusion before she fell back to sit on her legs, deflating once again. She looked down at her hands, now in her lap.
“I’m sorry, once again. I got caught up in the moment,” she said slowly, as if trying to make sense of it herself. “It’s so confusing. Because I know for a fact that I want to kiss you,” she added, the certainty clearly surprising her too, he realised as she stole a glance at him. “But I don’t know why I want it. I feel so certain in my feelings, for this other guy you know, and then this comes out of nowhere and I don’t know what to do with it.”
He wished this had happened before, when he was just falling in love with her, when everything was rose-tinted and promising. He would have jumped at the chance to kiss her then just to prove a point, to show her that she wanted it for a reason. But he wasn’t sure his heart could take it now. Not when he knew that he’d be absolutely devastated if it didn’t have the desired effect on her - to make her realise she loved him too.
“I know I shouldn’t do it, that it’s not fair on you to experiment like that when I know your feelings are genuine,” she said, echoing his thoughts. Her eyes were sad and guilty.
“It’s ok,” he forced himself to say. He didn’t want to make her feel so bad. He had no idea how it had gotten to this. It hurt, yes, but he was used to it. And he couldn’t allow it to come between them. He couldn’t afford losing her, she was his best friend. “I’ll be fine, I promise.”
“I’ll try to be more careful,” she said. It pained him that he had to ask her to watch every word she said or every thing she did. But the truth was he needed it, at least for a bit. His heart just couldn't’ take more for now.
“It’ll get better, I’ll do my best,” he promised. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to make things between us awkward. It’s just too much sometimes,” he added with a sad smile.
“I get it. Maybe we should have talked about this earlier. I never wanted to hurt you. I need to deal with my confusing feelings in my own time, not just thrust them at you.”
“Thank you for understanding,” he said. He wanted to hug her, to wipe the sad look from her face, to comfort himself too. But this was not the time for it. It would be counterproductive after everything they’d agreed to. They both needed a little space. It would hurt but hopefully help to get things better in the long term. They’d deal with this as partners.