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Something about Su Mucheng always had Su Muqiu on edge. It was the way his brother would frown at his reflection, tug at his hair and eventually, refuse to look in mirrors all together. It worried him, the way Su Mucheng seemed to hate himself, or at the very least, seemed to hate the way he looked and he wondered if there was anything he could do about it.
It all came together when Su Muqiu caught his brother- his sibling, lingering in the girl’s clothes section, running fingers over the skirts and dresses. Longing eyes being sent towards a pair of jeans with butterflies embroidered across the denim. And everything seemed to fall into place, the pieces sliding together with a decisive click.
Su Muqiu found himself searching on the internet, unsure exactly what he was searching for but then, one word jumped out at him. Transgender. He dove into the research further and the more he read, the more his sibling’s behaviour made sense. The more he wished they weren’t struggling to make ends meet. Because Su Mucheng hated their clothes. They’d never admit it but Su Muqiu knew it was true, could see it in the way they frowned at their selection each morning, seemingly reluctant to get dressed.
But Su Muqiu couldn’t afford to overhaul his sibling’s wardrobe. Didn’t have the money to buy new clothes for himself let alone Su Mucheng and he felt a pang of guilt in his chest. But he was going to try and make this right for Su Mucheng, to the best of his ability.
It started when Su Muqiu mentioned that they both needed haircuts, brandishing the scissors wildly while Su Mucheng plucked them out of his hand with an eyeroll. He could see the hesitation when he moved to cut their hair and he spoke, keeping his voice light and casual.
“You can grow it long if you want.” Not even ten words but Su Mucheng’s eyes lit up with delight and they nodded eagerly, Su Muqiu trimming away the split ends and nothing more. And the joy in Su Mucheng’s eyes as they admired their longer hair made him think that he was doing okay. That he was capable of doing this.
The next time he had left over money, he found himself in an accessory shop, browsing the selection in the hopes of finding something Su Mucheng might like to wear in their hair. Show off the new length or keep it out of their eyes. But he had no clue what that might look like and his lost, helpless expression attracted a shop assistant.
“You look a little lost, shopping for a girl in your life?”
“Yes, my little sister.” The words come out without Su Muqiu even registering them, but he doesn’t take them back. They feel right. “She needs hair clips. Pretty ones.” The shop assistant smiled at him, leading him over to the hair accessories and Su Muqiu’s eyes were drawn to the butterfly hair clips.
He picked up the packet, watching the way the light played off the metal and he hoped that these would bring out that same joy in Su Mucheng’s eyes as the longer hair did. The shop assistant even wrapped the gift in purple tissue paper, telling him she hoped his little sister liked her gift. Su Muqiu hoped so too.
Su Mucheng stared down at the gift, eyes wide with surprise as they took in the little butterfly clips in alternating silver and gold. They looked at them for so long without a reaction, that Su Muqiu was certain that he’d screwed up somehow and began trying to explain his thought process.
“You just like your long hair so much and it suits you but it sometimes gets in your way so I thought you should have something pretty.”
“These are for girls.” Su Mucheng’s eyes filled with tears and Su Muqiu felt panic welling up in his chest- he made his sibling cry- damage control- damage control- before their face split into a bright wide grin, euphoria clear in their eyes. “You think I’m a girl?” Su Muqiu felt the overwhelming burden of being fully aware that he’s not ready for this but he offered up a bright smile.
“Do you want to be a girl?” Su Mucheng glanced back down at the hair clips, tilting them to catch the light on them. “Do you want to be my little sister?”
“Yes please.” Su Muqiu let out a breath of relief that he hadn’t damaged his relationship with his sibling beyond repair and he pulled Su Mucheng into a tight hug, holding her close while her arms wrapped tightly around his neck.
“Then you’re my sister.” His hands were gentle as he carefully clipped the new butterfly hair accessory in his sister’s hair and her smile seemed to warm him from the inside out. Su Muqiu pressed a kiss to his sister’s forehead and if their eyes were wet, neither of them mentioned it.
It became a staple part of Su Mucheng’s look, no matter where they were going, even if she planned to hang around the house, she always had one of her butterfly clips in her hair. Hair that, under both siblings’ careful attention, was growing long and healthy while Su Muqiu looked into hormone therapy for her.
Su Mucheng bloomed under the new attention, lighting up every time someone said she looked like such a lovely young lady and Su Muqiu loved how happy his sister looked now. She finally looked comfortable in her own skin.
Ye Xiu blinked in surprise at the girl who poked her head out of what was presumably her bedroom and she eyed him suspiciously, hands on her hips and eyes narrowed. He had to admit, he did look suspicious, half naked in someone’s house though he didn’t think it was fair to be blamed for that when Su Muqiu had stolen his shirt and vanished. He was surprised when neither sibling, and this girl had to be a sibling, mentioned the bindings around his chest.
“MUQIU!” Ye Xiu sighed as Su Muqiu came running into the room before coming to a dead stop and blinking in confusion.
“What’s wrong?”
“Who is this?” Su Mucheng looked less like a younger sister and more like a disapproving mother whose child had just brought in a mangy stray- actually the comparison wasn’t too inaccurate.
“He’s the guy I was playing against.”
“I know that, why is he here?”
“I said he could live with us?” Su Muqiu wondered if he could actually survive his sister’s wrath as her gaze lands on Ye Xiu, scrutinising him closely as she hummed to herself. Ye Xiu offered her a smile, one that was likely supposed to be charming but looked more smug than anything else and Su Mucheng sighed.
“He’s sleeping on your floor.” Su Muqiu waved off the concern with one hand seemingly unconcerned by her words, more focused on towelling dry Ye Xiu’s hair, oblivious to the fact he was dripping all over the floor himself.
“That’s fine, that’s fine he can share my bed.” Su Mucheng’s eyes widened at that, in fact, so did Ye Xiu’s and she relaxed when she saw that. Their new roommate offered a pleading look, something that asked her to talk some sense into her brother. She let a sweet smile spread across her face before she vanished into her bedroom, leaving the two boys to sort out the sleeping arrangements between them.
Living with Ye Xiu was- was not much different from living with Su Muqiu. Neither were particularly loud, if you discounted the time they’d both become so excited about a tactic that they’d come running into her room to try to explain it to her.
At three am in the morning.
They soon ended up running out screaming, Su Mucheng throwing things with deadly accuracy at their quickly retreating backs, turning over to go back to sleep soon after.
But the main thing that changed was her wardrobe.
Su Mucheng helped her brother with their budget, was well aware that it was difficult to afford new clothes, especially with her hormone treatment so she was happy using tutorials to adjust her brother’s old clothing to fit her better. She was content with what she had but it would be a lie to say she’d never lingered outside shops with hopes of one day affording to buy that one dress or pair of jeans.
With Ye Xiu’s income however, they could afford to spend more while still saving and Su Muqiu funnelled the extra cash into a clothing budget for her despite her protests. When she tried to give the money back to Ye Xiu, he’d blinked lazily at her from where he was blowing smoke out of the window.
“Why shouldn’t you buy new clothes? Buy what you want, your big brothers order you to!” Su Mucheng startled at the words but she soon smiled, pleased by the revelation, and from the look on Ye Xiu’s face, he was in full agreement.
So Su Mucheng delighted in her new clothes, enjoying being able to wear things that didn’t fit oddly and constantly having to fix the fit. At least, she’d enjoy her clothes more if her brothers would stop repurposing them to make in real life replicas of their in-game weapons.
However, even with the extra money, occasionally she still had to forgo buying something she wanted because it wasn’t within her budget. Su Mucheng hadn’t realised that anyone had noticed but Ye Xiu knocked on her door one day only to present her with a large bag. Su Mucheng wondered idly if it was a practical joke the two were playing on her but her mouth dropped open at the sight of it being filled to the brim with tops, skirts, jeans- an assortment of different clothing and her head snapped up to stare at him.
“Where did this come from?” Ye Xiu rubbed at the back of his neck with one hand before he answered, not meeting Su Mucheng’s eyes.
“They used to be mine.” Su Mucheng’s mouth dropped into an O of understanding and she swung her legs quietly before coming to a decision.
“I learnt to sew because nothing fit. I had to wear Muqiu’s hand-me-downs and I didn’t want to look like a boy. In case anyone wanted to say I was a boy.” Ye Xiu’s lips quirked in understanding and Su Mucheng pressed on before she lost her nerve. “And you shouldn’t bind the way you do. It’s bad for you.”
“Binders are expensive.”
“But at home, with us, you don’t have to bind. If you don’t want to.” Ye Xiu’s eyes softened and he nodded, smile clear in his eyes.
“Muqiu says the same thing.”
“And he’s right, you should be comfortable.” Su Mucheng smiled when Ye Xiu patted her on the shoulder, agreement in his eyes and she pulled him into a hug. “Thank you for the clothes. They’re lovely.”
The moment Ye Xiu left the room, Su Mucheng pulled out her laptop and began frantically googling, searching for a good tutorial for a homemade binder. If Ye Xiu could give her all these beautiful clothes then she was going to give him something in return, something that would, hopefully, make him smile just as the clothes made her smile.
When Glory arrived, Ye Xiu and Su Muqiu were beyond excited about it, words spilling out of them, voices overlapping as they babbled about how great the new game was. Su Mucheng was more focused on repairing the skirt they’d damaged than paying attention, the whirr of her sewing machine enough of a distraction until their voices got so loud she was forced to either pay attention or fashion them gags.
“Mucheng would you design the character for me, you can make her look as pretty as you like!” Su Muqiu’s eyes were pleading and Su Mucheng simply raised one delicate eyebrow, unimpressed by the plea. Ye Xiu piped up from where he was sat at the computer, lounging, in fact Su Mucheng was certain she’d never seen him not lounging.
“Ahh Mumu won’t you indulge your poor gege?” The look Su Mucheng sent him could have cut through steel but Su Muqiu didn’t look like he was budging and Ye Xiu opening his mouth, likely about to spew out another cutesy nickname and Su Mucheng gave in, switching off her sewing machine and allowing herself to be manhandled in front of the computer.
“Do whatever you want! Design her however you wish!” Su Mucheng didn’t want to admit it, but she enjoyed designing her brother’s avatar. It was fun matching the starting clothes to her build and Su Mucheng couldn’t help but wonder what it would look like if the clothes were nipped in at the waist, or if the hem was more asymmetrical.
She pulled her thoughts away from that in favour of finishing up the design process and Su Muqiu grinned at the screen before directing her to another avatar.
“You need to name these two characters, they’re the ones Ye Xiu and I will be playing.” Su Mucheng tilted her head to the side at that and warning bells flashed in Su Muqiu’s head. Whenever his sister smiled like that it meant trouble but before he could do anything, his sister had already finished typing and Ye Xiu leant over to glance at the screen.
“Ah you’ve spelt my name wrong!” Ye Xiu crowed and Su Muqiu leant in closer to see that he was right, Su Mucheng had used the same character for Ye Xiu’s avatar as his and he knew a flush was working its way across his cheeks and Su Mucheng’s smile was innocent.
“Oh- is it too late to change it back?” When she got a nod, her shoulders lifted in a casual shrug, tone sly as she shot a meaningful glance at her brother. “Well you can match each other; you’re partners after all.” Ye Xiu hummed in agreement before he went outside to smoke as it wasn’t raining. Su Muqiu took the opportunity to shove at his sister’s shoulder who smacked him back.
“Why did you do that!?”
“You like him. But you won’t tell him you like him. And if you don’t tell him he won’t like you back.” Su Mucheng folded her arms over her chest and levelled a glare at her brother. “So you need to tell him. Because I like him too and I want him to stay with us.” Su Muqiu dropped his head against the desk before sighing.
“I’ll- I’ll talk to him.” Su Mucheng nodded decisively, glad her brother was willing to pull his head out of the sand.
“Hi mama, hi baba,” Su Mucheng pulls one piece of her hair over her shoulder, fidgeting with it, unsure what to say. Her brother was giving her some space, standing a way off to let her speak to their parents in privacy, even if he knew what she was saying. “I’m different now, if you can see me, because I wasn’t called a girl when I was born, even though I was one. Muqiu helped me, he let me grow my hair, bought me clips for my hair and he called me his sister first.” Su Mucheng swallowed down the lump in her throat at the thought of everything that her brother had done for her. One she’d blinked the tears away from her eyes she continued speaking, one hand brushing against the ever-present butterfly clip in her hair.
“Our new friend, Ye Xiu, he also helped me out, let me have his old clothes and buy clothes that fit who I am instead of having to hide. Muqiu really likes him, likes likes him even and I think he’s going to ask him out soon. You’d like Ye Xiu, he makes Muqiu happy and he’s nice even if he likes to tease everyone he meets.” Su Mucheng placed the bouquet of flowers on her parents’ graves, tears still stinging at her eyes as she took a steadying breath.
“I wish you were still here, I wish you were here to see what Muqiu and Ye Xiu are doing in their game, they’re some of the best. I wish you were here so you could watch Muqiu dance around Ye Xiu because he doesn’t know how to talk to him anymore.” Su Mucheng let the tears spill over but she kept speaking, fighting for her composure. “And I wish you were here to see me as your daughter. I think you would have thought that I- that I make an excellent daughter.” At that, Su Mucheng’s composure broke down and her brother’s arms were around her in a moment, holding her close as she cried on his shoulder.
She could feel wet droplets against her skin and knew her brother was crying as well. They never succeeded at getting through a visit without at least one of them being reduced to tears, but she felt better. She’d succeeded in telling her parents the truth, the truth about herself and she felt lighter for it. Felt like a burden had been pulled from her shoulders at the confession and Su Mucheng felt like everything was better now.
Ye Xiu didn’t comment on their red rimmed eyes when they returned home. Didn’t ask where they’d been, or why they’d left with flowers that were now gone. But food was on the table when they got back and his binder, handmade by Su Mucheng, was casually slung over the sofa.
Of course Su Mucheng lectured him about leaving clothes around the house and he was perfectly welcome to fill Su Muqiu’s room with piles of half-worn clothes but it was ridiculous to expect to fill the living room with things like this.
But deep down, deep down the gesture warmed her as she remembered the conversation she’d had with him in her room, about how he should and could be comfortable at home. The fact that Ye Xiu felt comfortable enough to abandon his binder when it was just them- it made Su Mucheng happy.
From the soft, lovesick look in her brother’s eyes, Su Muqiu was also touched by the fact that Ye Xiu was comfortable enough around them like this. Su Mucheng hoped that eventually, her brother would stop rationalising everything and just ask the other boy out as she had caught Ye Xiu gazing at her brother from across the room multiple times. And Ye Xiu had casually announced that he was bi to the room at large.
Even if her brother was still being ridiculous about his crush, Su Mucheng was happy. She had her family at her side and she was happy. Comfortable in her own skin and happy.
The next project was getting her brother to ask Ye Xiu out but that could wait until after dinner. Su Mucheng’s hand brushed against her butterfly clip and she smiled.
They were happy.