Chapter Text
g r o u p c h a t
[so this is an AU where they actually get a happy ending and sissy, Harlan and Raymond go with them to the future and start a group chat like ew sparrow academy what did you do with my happy ending ok thanks]
the umbrella academy starring the family groupchat
the happy ending we deserve plus a crack-filled groupchat, what more could you ask for hahahshshdhe
Diego Hargreeves has created “Team Zero”
Diego Hargreeves has added Luther Hargreeves, Allison Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves, Five Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves and Lila Pitts
Diego Hargreeves: When i said we’re a team, we’re a team. So I made this to keep in touch. Don’t misuse it, okay?
Klaus Hargreeves: Bold of you to think I won’t
Five Hargreeves: I can see the oncoming storm
Five Hargreeves: Diego.
Diego Hargreeves: oh
Klaus Hargreeves: BOLD OF YOU TO THINK I WONT DIEGO
Diego Hargreeves: what have I actually created
Lila Pitts: no ❤️
Vanya Hargreeves: I’m gonna destroy this chat from the inside
Luther Hargreeves: o h g o d
Allison Hargreeves: If text rumors were a thing istg-
Klaus Hargreeves: y e s v a n y a
Vanya Hargreeves: starting with
Vanya Hargreeves has added Sissy Cooper
Diego Hargreeves: uh?
Allison Hargreeves: Hello?
Sissy Cooper: Hey Vanya’s family!
Sissy Cooper: I apologise, I’m still gettin used to all this technological whizz kaboom
Vanya Hargreeves: technological whizz kaboom
Luther Hargreeves: oh!
Luther Hargreeves: shotgun lady!
Klaus Hargreeves: shotgun lady
Allison Hargreeves: akdjejfhwksje luther
Sissy Cooper: ?????
Vanya Hargreeves: shotgun lady
Luther Hargreeves: What? She is, right?
Diego Hargreeves: shotgun lady
Five Hargreeves: shut the fuck up
Sissy Cooper: who is shotgun lady?
Vanya Hargreeves: uhh
Luther Hargreeves: Your the lady who pointed a shotgun at us at the barn!
Diego Hargreeves: lutHER-
Allison Hargreeves: shhhhh
Sissy Cooper: Oh, of course!
Vanya Hargreeves changed Sissy Cooper’s name to shotgun lady
Lila Pitts: what the fuck is going on
Diego Hargreeves: yes
Klaus Hargreeves: the foundations of this conversation are crumbling as we speak, I can see it in Luther’s eyes
Luther Hargreeves: Are you?!!!
Klaus Hargreeves: I was watching you sweat over the group chat for five minutes
Vanya Hargreeves: Klaus I’m scared your gonna suddenly appear in my fridge one day and say you’ve been watching me contemplate my life choices
Allison: vANYA sijdjrjdsjjdnd
shotgun lady: He better not appear in my fridge, I just restocked
Klaus Hargreeves: I’m always watching over you all, like a guardian angel! 😇
Five Hargreeves: *guardian idiot
Vanya Hargreeves: skdjejejwksjeen
Five Hargreeves has changed Klaus Hargreeves’ name to guardian idiot
Allison Hargreeves: can we all get snazzy™️ names tho fr
guardian idiot: who will decide this momentous decision?! :00
Diego Hargreeves has changed Luther Hargreeves’ name to gangster monke
gangster monke: Ah. Ok.
Vanya Hargreeves: lmao
guardian idiot has changed Allison Hargreeves’ name to fringe
fringe: excuse mE
guardian idiot: I’ve never seen you??? With a fringe??? Before??
fringe: god klaus be eXpEriMeNtAl
Vanya Hargreeves: yeah klaus add some more salt
resident idiot changed Vanya Hargreeves name to glowstick
glowstick: I-
resident idiot: it’s accurate AND salty!
glowstick: a c c u r a t e
Five Hargreeves: lol
glowstick: five i’m changing your name to gremlin
Five Hargreeves: wait NO
glowstick has changed Five Hargreeves’ name to gremlin
gremlin: everything nice I’ve ever said towards you I take back
glowstick: love you too bro 👉🏻🥺👈🏻
gangster monke: Hey guys! I have some important information to share with you all!
fringe: luther.
fringe: whenever you text like that I can physically hear the irritation in your voice
guardian idiot: he’s eating fruit loops
gangster monke: KLAUS
guardian idiot: I’m sat like 10 feet away from you dear brother
glowstick: does luther eating fruit loops mean something spiritually
Diego Hargreeves: probably
Lila Pitts: 😳
guardian idiot: I can FEEL it
fringe: guys what the hell are you doing
glowstick: the big mood energy from luther eating fruit loops is causing disturbances in the soundwaves
gremlin: 👉🏻😳👈🏻
shotgun lady: I did feel a little rattle in the house-
glowstick: LMAO
gangster monke: ......
gangster monke: I HAVEN’T HAD BREAKFAST YET GUYS SERIOUSLY YOU ALL HAD TO GANG UP ON ME
glowstick has changed gangster monke’s name to fruit loops
glowstick: yes
glowstick: but spill the tea bro
fruit loops: I’m trying to get a job, a real one!
gremlin: I already have the full time job of being the family braincell though
fringe: so like I take offence at that-
glowstick: my job is to fly so my opinion is higher than yours
shotgun lady: Haha good one!
resident idiot: vanya ajdjsbsbwkdjdns
fringe: I can speak a bunch of languages
glowstick: chertovski suka
gremlin: lAngUagE vAnyA
Diego Hargreeves: Is she speaking Russian?
glowstick: yes
fringe: when did she learn ruSSIAN
glowstick: graCE
guardian idiot: I learnt some languages
Diego Hargreeves: you didn’t learn shit-
guardian idiot: I LEARNT GERMAN DANKE-
guardian idiot: wait vanya how do you know curse words in russian
glowstick: so the russian dictionary was a great learning device-
guardian idiot: when it got announced we’d be learning different languages I just went and learned all the rude words in german
glowstick: I actually got mistaken for a communist back in dallas y’know
guardian idiot: COMMUNIST VANYA COMMUNIST VANYA COMMUNIST VANYA
gremlin: wait what?
guardian idiot has changed glowstick’s name to communist
communist: well I got interrogated by the fbi and they said something in russian and I replied back in russian and they uh
fringe: what?
communist: i ate a brain,, although I think that was part of the trip
Lila Pitts: what the fuck
guardian idiot: you ate A BRAIN? WHAT DOES IT TASTE LIKe
fruit loops: Did you just say trip?
communist: i was on lsd lutHer
fringe: LSD?!!!
gremlin: do none of you realise that that was a torture method back then or what
communist: I found out electro therapy doesn’t go well with my powers
fringe: oh god are you okay? I’m sorry we didn’t come earlier
communist: at least I got high for the first time in my life haha susjsjsbdhsi
Diego Hargreeves: well back to the point , my job is to keep us all a team and make sure we don’t fall apart
shotgun lady: I fall apart every time those buy an sell people come knockin on my door, they’ve already been thrice this week!
vanquish them
resident idiot: FINISH THEM
fruit loops: I’m offended no one said anything about me getting a job
glowstick: I’m proud of you luther
resident idiot: goOd jOb
fringe: sksuhwgswh
Lila Pitts has changed Diego Hargreeves’ name to batman doesn’t kill
Lila Pitts: I gave you a snazzy™️ name
fringe: can we be serious
communist: of course Allison, I’m obviously the most serious-
resident idiot: was there an actual reason this chat was made other than to make fun of Luther’s classy breakfast choices?
batman doesn’t kill: oh
batman doesn’t kill: actually-
communist: you forgot
batman doesn’t kill: yeah
communist: oop-
fruit loops: What is it, Diego?
fringe: stop speaking in caps luther, your disturbing my vibes
shotgun lady: the autocorrect has betrayed me it corrects the beginning of every sentence to caps-
communist: aidhejsuhdejdj sissy
communist: luther disturbs my entire aesthetic
batman doesn’t kill: YOU GUYS AFJHGKHDVJ
resident idiot: convert to lowercase before I confiscate your phone luther
fruit loops: ok!!11!!1!1
resident idiot: I-
fringe: DIEGO JUST SPILL THE TEA
batman doesn’t kill: its cold tea tho
communist: what-
batman doesn’t kill: well uh-