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Atsushi hid in an alleyway to catch his breath. The unease that had built up from not completely understanding how the mission became so complicated was gradually turning into frustration. Frustration from fighting against the criminal who was indistinguishable from a monster, and because of Dazai wandering off at this time yet again without a word. While this was a habit everyone was used to, it was different this time.
The serial killer was an Ability user who could control a single cannon from a certain distance, and since he had placed more than a few cannons within the town, it was easy for him to kill several victims without drawing much attention to himself, at least until Atsushi, Dazai, and Kunikida arrived. (At that time, Dazai had made a joke regarding the bizarre way this Ability was used that was so off-putting and callous that Atsushi blamed himself for not realizing sooner that Dazai was definitely acting strange.) However, Dazai had soon disappeared, and the murderer had found another victim. If only Dazai had been there with Atsushi and Kunikida when they recently confronted this user, that victim most likely wouldn’t have died.
“Atsushi,” Kunikida had said, “try to look for Dazai.”
“Shouldn’t we trust him?” Atsushi had said, even though he also started to doubt.
“He has been acting weird the past few missions, but this went way too far. I can’t tell what he’s thinking, but this is weird, even for him! It’s like he’s...”
Kunikida hadn’t been able to find the words, but Atsushi understood. Dazai was the Agency’s main strategist, and that meant sometimes treating others, including the Agency members, as chess pieces if the situation called for it. The Armed Detective Agency always trusted him and willingly let themselves be controlled during these types of situations. But this time, he had crossed the line by far, treating another person as a puppet not worth saving and letting them be killed.
Despite the urgency, Atsushi asked, “Has he ever acted like this before?”
Kunikida stilled. “In his earliest missions. But none of those compared to this.”
Atsushi clenched his fist. “I’ll find him. For sure.”
When Atsushi saw Dazai, the criminal had already been tied up at his feet. Dazai noticed Atsushi arriving and waved cheerfully at him, as if he didn’t see how clearly upset Atsushi was.
Atsushi didn’t know how to feel.
***
Humans are wired to feel good when helping people.
Dazai had once read that when someone helps another person, it releases a feel-good chemical in their brain. However, Dazai had never processed what that specific chemical was because he had been too distracted by the fact that whatever that chemical was, it certainly didn’t release in his brain, or at least only a very tiny amount did.
Disregarding that, it was another fact that helped convince Dazai that humans were meant to save people. He mentally gave himself a pat on the back for having an optimistic view of humanity for once. He had spent so long being pessimistic about the lack of purpose of humanity that it was refreshing to stop believing that.
But that didn’t change the fact that since that chemical clearly didn’t release in his brain in proper amounts, his body must not count as a human being, which was further proof that Dazai would never belong in humanity. The only thing that bothered Dazai about that was that it was just so much harder for him to know how to help people. He could never understand how people intuitively know how to help others. All his intuition was good for was knowing how to hurt people.
***
Dazai had underestimated this criminal. Before either of them realized it, the man had broken free of his restraints.
It was a blur after that. Despite being far away from the rest of the other cannons, a single cannon appeared from the depths of an alley and aimed towards Dazai’s direction.
“You have two options,” the man smugly said. “Detective, if you move out of the way, I assure you that the town in the cannon’s path will bear its full force. However, you can potentially stop the town’s destruction if you remain where you are.”
Atsushi’s eyes widened. Until now, Atsushi had not known that the Ability could also augment the controlled cannon’s destructive power.
“Oh,” Dazai responded casually, “is this checkmate?”
Atsushi visibly started at his words. While this was a mocking reminiscence of his own entrance exam, surely this was a scenario that Dazai was more than clever enough to solve.
What happened after that was simple: Dazai smiled and walked towards the cannon. But before the cannon could fire, Atsushi sped over in a white flash and destroyed the cannon with his claws.
What happened right after was trivial. Kunikida found them, and since there were no more cannons near them to give them more trouble, he quickly apprehended the criminal.
And then Dazai laughed.
When Dazai saw that Atsushi had been staring at him in disbelief, he stopped and quirked an eyebrow. “What is it?”
“It’s- it’s just that, why? Why were you going to- If I had been late by a second-”
“Oh, that!” He flashed a smile at him. “I knew that you would destroy it, so I had nothing to worry about. Good job, Atsushi-kun!”
Maybe the reason was that Atsushi’s tiger form had not completely faded away yet, but that frustration from before had returned and quickly exploded into rage. “I don’t think so,” Atsushi snarled, barely realizing how he was behaving and too upset to care about that, even when Dazai looked genuinely surprised. “I saw your face right before you moved. I know you were seriously considering it.”
The surprise on Dazai’s face morphed into shock. “Atsushi-kun, I-”
“Dazai-san, what are you doing?!”
“Atsushi!” Kunikida called out. “Save your discussion for later. We should bring this man to the police first.”
Atsushi clenched his fists. Then he let go and willed himself to calm down and return back to normal. When Atsushi turned back to Dazai, he only saw the back of Dazai’s retreating form. “He’s right. Let’s talk later,” he said quietly.
The way he said that made Atsushi’s anger disappear, but in its place a feeling of dread and shame had formed when he realized how he had acted.
He must be mad at me now…
Atsushi was standing close enough to Dazai that he only needed to step forward once to touch him, but he had never felt so far from Dazai in that moment. Dazai had always been aloof or outright withdrawn, but he was always there when Atsushi tried to find him, giving him a warm smile. Atsushi thought that he must be selfish for always expecting Dazai to give a smile at him, even though he knew that the smiles were so often fake. It didn’t matter if they were fake, he just needed – no, wanted – Dazai to never ignore him. He wanted to be reminded that Dazai cared about him enough to force a welcoming, warm smile on his face no matter how miserable he felt.
Atsushi had already known for a while that Dazai was nowhere close to his initial perception of him as a perfect wise mentor. For the first few months that Atsushi had known him, it wasn’t that Atsushi was not aware of the facts that proved that Dazai was, in Kunikida’s words, the most troublesome member of the Armed Detective Agency. However, he had this belief that Dazai was truly a good person regardless of these facts.
It had taken a while for him to reconcile with the reality that Dazai was trying to be a good person and that he was most likely struggling with that even more than Kyouka was. But...
Atsushi had decided to believe that regardless of his darkness, Dazai was a good person. And, this was completely irrational, but he wanted to believe that no one else knew this about Dazai, not when he felt this belief in Dazai’s capability to do good deep within his core.
But if Atsushi’s selfish belief was actually true, then wouldn’t that mean that Atsushi believed in Dazai more than Dazai believed in himself? That seemed to be the case because even Atsushi could tell at this point that Dazai was wavering. Did he dare to believe that he could help Dazai believe in himself again?
Atsushi didn’t know where these thoughts came from. He wanted to help Dazai, but he didn’t want to take any risk of Dazai hating him for trying to help him. He wanted to know more about him, but he wanted their relationship to proceed naturally, not because of something like this.
But Dazai wasn’t stopping himself from falling down, and everyone else didn’t know what to do.
Atsushi didn’t want to see Dazai suffer alone anymore. He knew how painful loneliness was, and he never wanted to be alone ever again, so he could only imagine how lonely Dazai felt. He had never thought of that before, that the mentor he had looked up to might be even more lonely than he had been for most of his life.
But more than anything else, selfishly, Atsushi missed him. He would rather have Dazai hate him (as terrifying as that possibility was), than to regret for the rest of his life that he had done nothing to help Dazai as he drifted away from everyone.
Atsushi made this decision. Now what he had to do was overcome his fear.
***
Dazai’s thoughts were spiraling as he looked out the window of the room. What an awfully gloomy day.
“Dazai-san?”
Back there, he had been so close. So close. That man was only a fraction of how bad he used to be, and that fact made it hit even harder. Atsushi had been mad at him for putting himself in danger, but there was no way for Atsushi to suspect that it was because that was the only way Dazai could think of at that time to barely stop himself from doing the wrong thing.
Dazai distantly noted that Atsushi was calling his name, but he was rather satisfied continuing to stare outside and drown in his emptiness.
Several years had passed, and he still didn’t feel things when something intense happened. He sometimes found himself crying at the most innocuous things like realizing that he couldn’t put off chores for another week or two or when the maid threatened to not put his drink on a tab. But at murder scenes? Or even when a client would be killed as soon as he wasn’t looking? Nothing except a feeling of numbness.
He marveled at how Kunikida could feel so strongly about the state of the world and not crumble under the weight of it. As long as he could process his feelings by writing down in his notebook (Dazai sometimes stole the notebook for the sole purpose of reading the poems that were undoubtedly genuine because they weren’t meant for other eyes), Kunikida could bear his feelings, just like he always did.
But in a way, Atsushi was even more intriguing. Unlike the people Dazai had known were good because they were strong enough to afford to be like that, Atsushi never failed to eventually understand what the other person felt. Atsushi used to be pathetically weak, but he never failed to do the right thing, at least on a fundamental level. He was good for Kunikida, who had been starting to become too disillusioned. It made Dazai wonder just how far Atsushi’s potential went, maybe even further than Akutagawa’s (even though he blatantly lied to Akutagawa back then. Would he ever be able to release Akutagawa from his web of lies with the way he is now?)
But had Atsushi ever truly been weak? Atsushi’s strength came from his weakness, if it could be called that.
Weakness. Sometimes Dazai wished that there was someone who could see him for the weak and pathetic creature he was. Or, a mere broken marionette controlled by the shadow of a wish of a dead friend.
“Dazai-san, you’ve been staring outside for a while.”
Dazai didn’t look back. “I’m listening.”
“It’s just…” Atsushi shuffled nervously. “Are you-? Are you okay?”
It sounded like Atsushi wanted to say more, but Dazai didn’t want to push it. He didn’t want Atsushi to continue, even though he did.
“I’m okay,” Dazai said flatly.
He technically wasn’t lying. It depended from person to person what ‘okay’ meant.
“Would you mind if I asked if you could elaborate?”
Dazai felt irritated. How could he be irritated by Atsushi when it was always the other way around? He hated that Atsushi was being overly, cautiously polite to him now. This was entirely his own fault, Dazai fully acknowledged, but he still felt irritated by Atsushi. He hated himself.
“You don’t have to,” Atsushi said more quietly, defeated.
You’re a tiger, Atsushi. Why are you acting so pathetic now?
Dazai had an urge to break the window and throw himself out at that thought, but he refrained. That would solve nothing. All that would do was send an extremely bad message to Atsushi. He wasn’t that bad a mentor to Atsushi.
Dazai was heading down a path that he was fully aware was leading straight to hell but couldn’t find the will to steer off. He had this morbid curiosity to see and experience the spectacle that was the destruction of the self, and this desire was inseparable from his being. But he wouldn’t do this while Atsushi was watching him in plain sight, especially before Atsushi reached his potential.
Then Atsushi drew closer and brushed the tips of Dazai’s fingers.
Dazai flinched away, but the tips of his fingers tingled and sparked the nerves of the rest of his body. Atsushi seemed to consider his reaction almost neutrally and reached forward to grab his hand.
Dazai let him. This time, since he was expecting it, there was simply warmth. It softened the edges of his emptiness.
“Will you look at me?”
Dazai turned around. Atsushi was peering up at him with a complicated expression that Dazai couldn’t fully understand.
Atsushi caressed his hand to comfort him, and it was working a little. “You seemed really upset after that last mission.”
“Really upset?” Dazai repeated softly. That wasn’t possible, however. What he had felt was nothing. Apathy.
Atsushi tilted his head slightly, and his hair framed his head differently, which distracted Dazai. “At least, you seemed so to me. You tend to be withdrawn whenever we finish a case where someone ends up dying, and we couldn’t do anything to prevent it.”
Withdrawn doesn’t always mean someone is upset, Dazai wanted to say, but for some reason that sounded stupid to him, so he didn’t.
“And then you act somewhat differently for the next few days, if you show up to work at all.”
Now that was news to him. He gave himself a day or two to not act as comically, but he was supposed to act the same as usual after that, and something about the way Atsushi said it sounded like there were lingering effects.
“Can you give examples of what you mean?”
“Your jokes become sadder.”
Atsushi wrapped Dazai’s hand in both of his hands, and it made his hand feel too hot.
“Dazai-san.” Atsushi looked with determination at him. “Let me stay with you tonight.”
It wasn’t even a request. When had Atsushi become so confident?
No, Dazai could see some fear in his eyes, but Atsushi had overcome that fear. It wasn’t that Atsushi was confident, but that Atsushi was willing to be brave because that was how concerned he was for him. When Dazai realized this, he couldn’t say no to Atsushi.
He didn’t want to say no. He was getting tired of being lonely.
“Okay,” he said in a small voice.
***
When Dazai let Atsushi into his dorm room, he felt a pang of embarrassment since it was messier than usual. He had let Atsushi in several times before when there were empty sake bottles and crab cans lying around, but now including those, his bed was unmade, and his clothes and used bandages were scattered around.
Of course, Atsushi didn’t say anything about it, and that made Dazai both relieved and wary. What if Atsushi was silently judging him, even though that was very unlikely in this scenario? Just the imagined possibility of it was threatening to make him cry.
Atsushi called his name softly, and it calmed him down somewhat. The paranoia that he had always been susceptible to had caught up to him when he was weak. He didn’t know if seeing it objectively was helping or hindering him.
“You have a lot on your mind, don’t you?” Atsushi said slowly, almost hesitating but not quite.
“You don’t have to hold back,” Dazai said in one rushed breath. “I’d rather you didn’t. Otherwise-” No, he wanted to take that back. He didn’t want Atsushi to hide anything from him, but he couldn’t handle brutal honesty either.
Atsushi became confused and concerned. “Would you like some water?”
“What?”
Dazai had not been expecting that, but based on Atsushi’s stammering after that, neither did Atsushi. And that was what finally laid his paranoia to rest. “Yes, please.”
Atsushi openly sighed in relief as he walked towards the kitchen. Dazai glanced over at his bed and then decided to briefly tidy it until Atsushi came back with a cup of water. Atsushi offered him the cup and then sat down near the table.
Dazai decided to sit on the futon. “Would you like to sit next to me?”
Atsushi hesitated for a moment before nodding and sitting down next to him. To stall the inevitable awkward silence, Dazai drank slowly from his cup. Trying to focus on the sensation of drinking the cool water didn’t stop his mind from whirring, but at least it was grounding.
Then there was no more water in the cup. Dazai allowed himself a moment to mourn over it before setting it down next to the bed.
And finally, the awkward silence commenced, and for a minute or so, the only consolation Dazai had was the high likelihood that it was as painful for Atsushi as it was for him.
What kind of mentor was he that he was fine with waiting for Atsushi to break the silence? With that realization, he was just about to speak when Atsushi broke it first with a stammer, “You said before that I- that I didn’t have to hold back, but that- but you- but I want you to do the same. Not that you have to! But I want you to let me know if I’m doing it too much because I’m already doing far more than what I’m supposed to, and-”
Atsushi looked quite miserable, and to Dazai’s horror, he felt both fondness and irritation at Atsushi stir in him. He shouldn’t have been surprised when both emotions bled into his voice as he said, “You’re right. You went past what you’re supposed to do.” Of course, Atsushi was hurt. Why did he have to say it like that? “But,” Dazai quickly added, “you already knew that, and you did it anyways while being aware of the consequences. It’s because you thought that not doing it would be even worse, right?”
Atsushi’s lips parted with surprise before bringing himself back together. “That’s exactly it.”
“So I’m not going to take it back. I want to know what you want to say, and,” Dazai resisted the urge to bite his lip, “I’ll do my best to reciprocate. Since you always did so much for my sake...”
Atsushi inhaled sharply. “It’s just… I want to ask you.”
“What is it?” Dazai asked lightly.
“It’s a lot to ask, but why were you acting like that recently? Did something happen?”
Another bout of silence, and Atsushi started to fidget.
“I’ll answer, but I don’t know where to begin. And it’s not like I’m good at knowing how I’m feeling.” Which was something he hadn’t known until recently, and what he had admittedly forgotten for a bit.
“I can wait.”
Atsushi’s voice was strained, and it made Dazai more irritated, and then he realized that his patience had run dry quite a while ago, which explained his current mood. However, Dazai also didn’t want to quit, even if he was making both Atsushi and himself miserable in the process.
Then he had this idea that maybe he should just say whatever came to mind without any filter. Clearly it wouldn’t come to him, so perhaps his subconscious was better able to come up with it. Even if it further hurt Atsushi’s feelings in the process, it was the price Atsushi had to pay for barging into his life, his tired, now irrational mind supplied.
He really was a terrible being rotten to the core.
“Why does being good come so easily to you? Why do you have to be so good to me?”
“What?” Atsushi was alarmed.
Dazai’s tone was accusatory. “I’m jealous of you. It’s so hard to be good, but it comes naturally to someone like you.”
Dazai didn’t know why he was saying these things to Atsushi, since they went against what he said to him months ago. At this moment, it didn’t matter that Dazai had implied to him months ago that Atsushi’s suffering may have helped him become more empathetic.
But after seeing Atsushi be hurt again by his words, Dazai stopped. It wasn’t that he wanted to hurt. He just wanted to… What did he want to do?
What am I doing?
His chest started to hurt, and a sob was choked out of him. Without him realizing it, the painful emptiness in his chest had spread so far out that his chest was throbbing with the overwhelming feeling. The pain contracted as he breathed in each sob.
“Why does it have to be so hard to be good? Whenever I think I might be doing better, I have to try so hard to not slip. I’m always so close to falling...”
Crying hurt. This was different form the times only tears were falling. His chest ached, and he must look ugly now. Dazai whined as he covered his face in his hands and sobbed.
Without thinking, Atsushi reached out and wrapped his arms around Dazai. It was only when Dazai’s sobs grew harder that Atsushi realized that he had potentially crossed whatever boundaries remained between them as if they weren’t there. But right after he had considered letting go and apologizing, Dazai leaned down into his chest and grabbed the front of his shirt.
With Dazai shaking in his arms and clinging onto him, Atsushi finally let go of his reservations and held Dazai closer to him. “Shhhh,” Atsushi whispered, carding his hand through Dazai’s hair as if it belonged there, as if Dazai was right where he belonged. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
“Okay?” Dazai’s voice cracked.
“Yes,” he whispered reassuringly. “You’re doing good.”
Dazai cried into his chest even harder. In response, Atsushi repeated “You’re okay, you’re doing okay, you’re okay” to help calm Dazai down with its rhythm. Atsushi never had the chance to comfort someone to this extent before, but for some reason he instinctively knew that what he was doing wasn’t hurting Dazai. Still, he made sure. “Dazai-san, how are you feeling?”
“I don’t know!” he wailed.
“I’m sorry,” Atsushi whispered into the top of Dazai’s head. “I just don’t want to hurt you.”
Dazai made a weird sound and became silent. It worried Atsushi, so he stilled his hand, but after seeing Dazai’s face, it didn’t seem like Dazai was doing worse off. When Atsushi moved his hand from Dazai’s head to his back and rubbed in gentle circles, Dazai relaxed and sighed. “Atsushi-kun. my chest hurts.”
Atsushi moved his hand to Dazai’s heaving chest and found his heartbeat. Dazai felt grounded by that touch, and it started to calm him down. The pain was far from removed, but there was something about the way Atsushi touched the outskirts of the pain and darkness in his chest that made it a little more bearable.
Well, he realized, this was embarrassing. He was doing the opposite of the role he was supposed to play for Atsushi; he was supposed to uplift him, not hinder him. And yet he had allowed himself to reveal his broken self in front of him, and he couldn’t bring himself to run away while Atsushi was holding him so gently, as if Atsushi were treasuring him despite – no, because of his broken emptiness.
This was the first time he had ever allowed someone inside, and he had not expected this to happen, so even though he still felt miserable, he realized what it felt like to not want to be alone. Was this what Atsushi felt as he gradually grew closer to the rest of the Armed Detective Agency, about to become closer to them than Dazai ever had? Atsushi was so strong, and at this rate, he would definitely surpass him.
Well that wasn’t good. He groaned and hid his face in his hands. “This is no way for a mentor to behave.”
It was supposed to be a joke, except it got interrupted by two hiccups, and his voice was thick.
“Mentors are allowed to cry?”
“Mentors don’t have tear ducts.” Dazai knew what Atsushi meant, but it was Atsushi’s fault for saying it vaguely.
“At least you’re trying to joke now,” Atsushi mused. “But since you’re upset, won’t it be better to face your feelings directly?”
“I’m trying not to dwell on it.”
Atsushi smiled gently at that. “It’s like you’re following the advice you gave me that time.”
Throwing it right back at me. Dazai hiccuped again and pouted. “Obviously.” He mumbled, “Where did you think that advice came from?”
“You, of course. At that time, I couldn’t help but wonder what you had gone through for you to arrive to that conclusion.”
What was up with Atsushi being so insightful at times? It was unnerving. Dazai hiccuped again.
“Should I get you more water?”
“You’re not gonna ask me more?”
Atsushi gave him a small, sad smile. “You’ve already shown me so much. I think that’s enough for one night.”
To Dazai’s own surprise, he couldn’t control how high his voice pitch went, and it made him sound low-key hysterical. “So you’re going to ask me more later?”
“You struggle with this all the time, right? All by yourself...”
Dazai’s shoulders slumped further, and he didn’t know how else to express himself, so he slapped a childish pout onto his face.
“You don’t want it?” Atsushi said, as if knowing that he would not be refused.
Dazai’s pout became more genuine because Atsushi’s assumption was right. “I’ll think about it.”
“Okay, but you should let me know next time.”
Where had the anxious Atsushi gone? Dazai twisted himself out of Atsushi’s grasp and fell back into the futon. “Fiiiine.”
Atsushi lay down next to him on his side, and Dazai stared back at him. Atsushi’s expression was this indescribable combination of relieved and satisfied (and something else that Dazai couldn’t recognize). “You look tired,” Atsushi said.
“Sleepy.”
Atsushi brushed Dazai’s hair away from his forehead and repeated the motion. Dazai finally relaxed and closed his eyes, and in a few minutes, he unknowingly fell into a dreamless sleep.
“Dazai, can you let go of Atsushi for a moment?”
Atsushi gave a sheepish grin back at Kunikida. He and Dazai were both sitting on the couch, but as soon as they had arrived to the office the next morning, Dazai had dragged Atsushi to the couch and wouldn’t let go of him.
Kunikida directed his gaze to Dazai. “You’ve been in that position for at least one hour and twenty-seven minutes. Isn’t that uncomfortable?”
Atsushi was sitting normally, but Dazai had curled up beside him with his arms draped over him. And then at Kunikida’s words, Dazai slipped his arms off, only to wrap them around Atsushi’s left arm as tightly as possible.
“Dazai, would you let go of him?”
It suddenly occurred to Atsushi that Kunikida wasn’t demanding towards Dazai as usual, but rather requesting.
Dazai pouted and somehow snuggled even closer to Atsushi. At that, Kunikida sighed heavily and adjusted his glasses. “I guess I’ll have to do it, then.” He briskly turned around, and muttered as he walked away, “I already spent too much time here.”
Quite stunned, Atsushi looked down at Dazai, who had let go of him and was simply leaning his head on his shoulder. Dazai seemed pleased, but it didn’t make Atsushi feel much better. Atsushi laid his hand on top of Dazai’s, and Dazai’s hand quickly latched on his in a vice grip. His hand was shaking. It only calmed down after a few minutes of Atsushi gently rubbing his thumb over it.
An hour later, Kunikida returned back to them. “You’re done for today,” Kunikida said.
Atsushi blinked.
“Yes, Atsushi, both of you.”
“Wait, but-?” It wasn’t even lunch yet.
“It’s fine,” Kunikida said lightly. “Prioritize spending time with Dazai and making sure he recovers properly. To clarify, it doesn’t mean that you have to leave the office.” Kunikida nodded towards Dazai to his side. “It depends on what he wants.”
Dazai hadn’t reacted at all during the exchange, so when Atsushi looked to his side, he felt relief when he saw Dazai’s childlike open-eyed expression.
Atsushi briefly made eye contact with Kyouka. “I’ll let you know if I plan to stay at his place, okay?” he told her.
She nodded silently and resumed her work.
***
Dazai would not let go of Atsushi’s hand, even as they walked on the streets.
“Where would you like to eat?”
Dazai blinked at him.
Atsushi decided to phrase it differently. “What do you feel like eating?”
Unfortunately, the response remained the same. Honestly, it made Atsushi feel quite clueless.
Atsushi tried again. “Do you want to eat crab?”
At that, Dazai’s expression shifted slightly.
“Do you want to eat crab at a restaurant?”
Dazai didn’t seem too pleased with it, and Atsushi felt like he was flailing in the dark again.
“Dazai-san, would you like it if I bought canned crab from a supermarket?”
Dazai smiled, and even though Atsushi felt relieved, he had to hold himself back from showing his exasperation.
“Let’s go to the market then...”
***
After they were done eating crab out of the cans, they walked around in a park. Also, they were still holding hands, and of course Dazai noticed that some people were staring at them, but for once, he really couldn’t care. Atsushi’s hand felt warm and safe. Dazai started humming.
It startled Atsushi for some reason, which made them look at each other, and then relax.
“Oh,” Atsushi explained, “I’m just glad.”
Dazai tilted his head in a question.
“You’re humming.”
Huh. Dazai looked forward again and then started leading Atsushi. There was a patch of grass surrounded by flowers, and it called out to him.
“Dazai-san?”
Dazai finally let go of Atsushi’s hand and lay down in the grass, staring up at Atsushi. Atsushi looked ethereal in the afternoon sun. The sunlight reflected off his pale hair in such a way that made him glow, even with his bemused expression.
“Dazai-san, what are you doing?”
I like flowers. They’re beautiful, and they remind me that one connection I have between human beings and myself is seeing beauty in flowers. And they remind me of you.
Atsushi laughed lightly. “Dazai-san?”
Dazai smiled back. “What does it look like I’m doing?”
Atsushi blinked, and then a gentle expression settled on his face. “You’re lying down with the flowers.”
Oh, Dazai realized belatedly that until now he didn’t talk. He hadn’t noticed. He was going to pretend that that never happened. “Good, Atsushi! Now lie down with me!”
“What?”
“Pleeease?”
Atsushi huffed but went down and joined him. It felt right when Atsushi was lying beside him. There was something right about a tiger lying beside someone with a huge carved-out hole inside while being surrounded by flowers. Dazai closed his eyes and fantasized this moment lasting forever.
So of course, he soon broke it. “Atsushi-kun.”
“What is it, Dazai-san?”
“You should go back to your dorm tonight. Kyouka-chan must be worried about you.”
“Are you sure?”
“You’ve helped me more than enough.” Dazai covered Atsushi’s hand with his own. “So don’t worry, I can take care of myself now.”
“Atsushi-kun,” Dazai’s voice lilted. “Care to walk with me?”
Atsushi looked up from his paperwork. It looked like whatever had burdened Dazai had lifted somewhat; he seemed lighter compared to a few days ago.
Finally, you’re back.
Atsushi smiled with relief, prompting Dazai to hold out his hand and grin. Atsushi had never seen him smile like that before, almost sheepish. It made him look almost boyish.
Atsushi reached out and placed his hand in Dazai’s, and a faint blush appeared on Dazai’s face. It surprised Atsushi. It was like meeting a new person, but this felt right.
And then Dazai took him to a rooftop of a random building.
“Why did you bring me here?”
That boyish grin resurfaced. “I wanted to show you something!” He spread his arms out enthusiastically. “Guess!”
“Do I really have to?”
Dazai pouted for a moment before he smiled again. “Oh, well. It’s just that...” He stumbled on his words. “My ideal date-”
Dazai blushed, and Atsushi couldn’t help laughing a little.
“Kunikida-kun must have rubbed off on me…” He straightened up as if nothing had happened. “I’ve always wanted to watch the sunset with someone on a date.”
Atsushi’s face heated up. Dazai seemed relieved and then suddenly wrapped his arms around Atsushi.
“Dazai-san?”
Dazai kissed the top of his forehead. Before Atsushi could respond, he said softly, “To repay you.”
“Oh.”
“And,” Dazai held him closer to him, “to say sorry.”
“Eh? But-”
“Thank you.” Something in Dazai’s tone stopped Atsushi from saying anything else, and Dazai continued, “I hurt you several times with my words, so I wanted to apologize for that, but I also want to thank you for not leaving me.”
Atsushi held back his nervous laughter at hearing this formal apology, and he had to take several moments to calm himself down before saying, “That’s the least I could do for you, since you were struggling so much.”
Dazai held him tighter, and it made Atsushi feel safe, so he closed his eyes and leaned into him. “Atsushi-kun, you still seem confused by this, but I didn’t want to make excuses. But honestly, I’m not sure if I can stop myself from doing that again the next time I get like that. So even now, I’m just not sure.”
Dazai released him, and Atsushi didn’t like that, so Atsushi leaned forward and pecked him on the mouth.
“Oh!” Dazai touched his lips, with widened eyes and a forming deep blush. “My poor heart is fluttering so much now.” He exaggeratedly covered his cheeks with his hands to hide his blush. “Oh!”
Atsushi laughed. “That’s to pay you back!”
Dazai took in a deep breath before suddenly taking Atsushi back into his arms. “Now you’ve done it. I’m not going to let go of you.”
Atsushi closed his eyes again with a widening smile.
That’s good, because I’m never letting go of you either.