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Akaashi stared at the letter in his hands, the corner of it crumpling as he gripped it like his life depended on it. Tears started to fall on the paper and an overwhelming amount of feelings washed over him. He took his glasses off and buried his face into his hands. He let himself sob, unable to control it anymore. All the memories, all the little moments, all of him came rushing back in full force.
He tried his best to keep it locked away in the back of his mind. Akaashi had moved on from Bokuto a long time ago. It was hard, but he kept reminding himself that Bokuto didn’t love him as much as he thought. He never answered him that night, nor did he try to even reach out again. And now, everything has been revealed and it’s like Pandora’s Box has opened. The closure he needed all those years ago is scribbled on a piece of paper that he’s dropped on the ground.
What now?
It’s not like he ever stopped loving Bokuto. He also made sure to tell Atsumu that. He was very open with his feelings and told him everything about his past relationship with Bokuto. Atsumu was understanding and consoled Akaashi, making sure he was there for him every step of the way. That’s why their relationship right now is so strong.
But one choice can easily crumble that strength.
Akaashi continued to sob into his hands and didn’t notice the pair of arms that surrounded him. Soon, he felt his head being gently pushed against Atsumu’s chest. Soft and delicate fingers ran through his hair, soothing him and calming him. Atsumu always knew how to calm him down like he had magic.
Though something was always missing.
“Keiji, do ya want to postpone tomorrow?” Atsumu asked quietly. He knew about the letter and what was written in it. After all, Bokuto asked him for permission and to hand it to him if he was granted that permission. He knew what was at stake and what could possibly happen, yet he allowed it. He was understanding and he loved Akaashi too much to let his selfishness get the best of him. He also loved Bokuto in a brotherly way as they’ve built a unique bond ever since they started playing on the same team.
Atsumu wanted them both to be happy and get the closure they deserve. Even if it hurts him along the way.
Akaashi didn’t answer his question and continued to cry, staining Atsumu’s shirt in tears.
“I’ll understand if ya do. We’ve talked about it in the beginning remember? Besides, it’s not like we have a ceremony or anything since we’re both too busy for that.” He chuckled half-heartedly. He was admittedly, unsure of what to feel at the moment; if he should be sad, relieved, happy, angry… he wasn’t sure. One thing he is sure of though, is that he wants to make sure Akaashi is okay.
“Keiji, baby? Wanna look at me for a sec?”
Akaashi lessened his sobs and slowly looked up at Atsumu with teary eyes. The latter cupped his cheek and wiped away the tears from his lover’s face. Atsumu looked at him with nothing but concern and love before placing a soft kiss on his forehead.
“Whatever decision you make, I’ll support it. Ya know that right?” His voice was soothing and calm. His eyes were loving and steady. It made Akaashi feel like everything will be okay again.
“I… I don’t know. I love you…”
“But ya love him too. Always have and always will. That much I know.”
“Tsumu…” Akaashi snaked his arms around Atsumu’s waist and held onto him tightly.
“Keiji, I got into this knowing full well your heart belonged to someone else. I’m just glad that I even got a piece of it.”
“You’re saying that like I already made my decision.”
“Didn’t ya?”
“I...don’t know. I don’t know.” Akaashi clutched on to his lover harder.
“Shh… We’ll postpone tomorrow, okay? You need to think things over and I don’t want ya to do anythin’ you’ll regret.”
“Why are you so understanding?”
“Because love is understanding and I love you.”
Akaashi said nothing and let his lips meet Atsumu’s in a desperate kiss. One that was searching for an answer. It was messy and sloppy but it felt somewhat reassuring. He then climbed on top of Atsumu’s lap and straddled him, cupping his face and intensifying the kiss. Tears continued to fall as his heart continued to ache, yearning for someone different.
Atsumu pulled away and caught his breath. He then leaned his forehead against Akaashi’s and closed his eyes, listening to the broken sobs of his lover. His eyes started to sting as tears threatened to come out for the first time that night. He knew. The kiss said that much.
“Did ya find what you were lookin’ for?” He asked, just a bit above a whisper.
“I-I’m s-sorry.” Akaashi sobbed out.
It was Atsumu’s turn to initiate the kiss. This time it was careful and gentle. One that was saying goodbye to someone he didn’t have in the first place. And yet, it felt reassuring.
The two of them pulled away, going back to their original position.
“I did love you. I do love you.” Akaashi breathed out.
“I know. I felt it and I still do. Thank you for loving me.”
“I’m sorry, Atsumu.”
“Don’t be. I’ll be okay, I promise ya that.”
“I love you so much.” Akaashi said with sincerity, though it was a different kind of love.
“I love you too, Keiji. So much.”
The two of them stayed in each other’s arms that night with a blanket of bittersweet memories. They talked about their little moments together, laughing from the fond memories, reliving their love one last time. It was them saying their final goodbye to the love they had, reminding themselves that they still had something good despite the circumstances. With that, they fell asleep with the promise of happiness for each other, even if it’s not together.
It’s been a month since then.
Osamu had helped Atsumu move out of Akaashi’s apartment not long after. The two of them stayed on good terms and continued their friendship. They even meet up at least once a week to have lunch or dinner to catch up and see how the other was doing. Atsumu was better than ever expected to be and he was happy, especially since he found a best friend in Akaashi, who felt the same.
They were currently sitting at a cafe doing their weekly catch ups. It was also the day Akaashi was finally going to knock on Bokuto’s door and try to win him back.
“Are ya ready, Keij?” Atsumu asked, sipping on his hot coco.
“I don’t know! It’s been a month since his letter! What if he already moved on!”
“Here I thought you were smart. If Bokkun couldn’t move on then, what makes ya think he will now?”
“But ugh, this is nerve wracking. What if I write him a letter too?”
“I will drag ya by the ear to Bokkun’s apartment whether ya like it or not. Otherwise, ya broke my heart fer nothin’.”
“Hey!”
“M’kidding about that last part. First part though? Debatable.”
Akaashi sighed. “Yeah, I’m ready.”
“That’s what I like to hear. Go now before ya change yer mind.”
“But my coffee…”
“GO!”
“Shit, okay! Damn. I’ll te-”
“G O!!!”
“Fine! Bye! Jeez.”
"Just make sure ya win him back and not leave him again."
"Back then will be the last time I do."
Akaashi hastily got up while Atsumu was trying not to laugh too loudly in the quiet cafe.
His mind was racing.
He wasn’t sure how to even begin to talk to Bokuto. Does he start with an apology? I love you? Why’d you do that? Is he angry? Happy? He didn’t know. All he knew was that he’s suddenly in front of Bokuto’s apartment.
Deep breath, Keiji. Deep breath. You got this. You love him and you got this.
He knocks.
You don’t got this. Fuuuuccccckkkkkkkkkk.
The door opens.
Oh dear god.
Bokuto stood wide-eyed from his unexpected visit. His hair was down, dripping wet from a shower he just took. A towel around his waist, his skin glistening from the left over droplets of water.
“‘Kaashi?”
“I love you.” Akaashi blurted.
Heat rose to Bokuto’s cheeks, “Wh- um, come in.”
Akaashi’s head hung low and cursed himself for not thinking before speaking. The next thing he knew, he was sitting alone in Bokuto’s living room, waiting for the other to get changed. He was fidgeting with his hands, thoughts running a mile a minute. He was a mess and that much was evident as the first words he spoke to Bokuto in years were “I love you.”
“Did you want anything to drink?” A voice that felt like home interrupted his busy thoughts.
“Uh, no, I’m fine, thank you, Bokuto-san.”
Bokuto hummed in response and cautiously sat at the other end of the couch Akaashi was in. The latter shut his eyes tightly and took a deep breath.
“Bokuto-san, I wanted to speak with you.”
“Okay…”
“I read your letter. From a month ago. I- I just… it took me a while to collect my thoughts and think of what to tell you carefully, but right now, I’m just speaking what comes to mind first. I never… went through with marrying Atsumu.”
A sharp intake of breath could be heard from Bokuto, but Akaashi continued despite feeling the burning gaze those golden eyes were looking at him with, “I still love you. I never stopped. I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. I kept all these feelings locked away deep in my heart and mind, but they were always there. I tried really hard to keep them away, but as soon as I read your letter, it unlocked everything so easily. After all these years, I thought you never loved me the way I thought you did, but really, you loved me more than I thought you ever did. I shouldn’t have left so quickly back then, maybe I should have waited, but god , our relationship started to hurt and we were obviously wanting different things back then. But what’s done is done and here we are…” He trailed off, feeling tears drop onto his hands.
“I still love you.” Bokuto finally spoke, “I love you more than I did back then. I thought of so many ways to get over you, to forget you, but I couldn’t. You were my greatest pain, Keiji. But you will always be my greatest comfort. You’re my home, even when we were apart, you were always my home.”
“Koutarou, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving you. I was just-” Akaashi was cut off by his own sob and brought his hands to his face. Bokuto instinctively rushed to Akaashi’s side and brought him into his arms.
“I know, Keiji. I know. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for not saying ‘I love you’ when you needed to hear it the most. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize everything. I love you. I’m sorry. God, I love you so much, Keiji. I just want to have you again.”
Akaashi looked up at a teary eyed Bokuto and brought his hands up to his face, catching the fresh tears that fell. “You always had me, Kou. You will always have me.”
“I’m sorry, Keiji.”
Akaashi shook his head and hugged Bokuto as tightly as he could as if he was going to leave as soon as he let go. Bokuto buried his face into Akaashi’s shoulder and took in a scent that smelled like home.
“Never let me go.” Akaashi mumbled against his shirt.
“Never leave me.”
They pulled away slightly and looked into each other’s eyes.
Akaashi saw nothing but the sun and stars. His sun and stars where each constellation spelled out how much he loved the man he was looking at. He felt the warmth and love they radiated. He felt the words that didn’t need to be said as Bokuto’s eyes told him enough.
Bokuto on the other hand saw the moon reflected from the ocean so tranquil and quiet. Its waves softly crashing against the shore, whispering its “I love yous” as it does so. It was comforting and reassuring.
Soon their eyes were closed, inching their faces closer to each other.
“I love you, Koutarou.”
“I love you, Keiji.”
They whispered at the same time before their lips finally met. It was soft and sweet, at the same time needy and yearning, wanting more of the other. Years of longing and pent up love poured out along with the promise of forever exchanging between them.