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“It is heart-aching, isn’t it? To see him with someone else, as a daily thing.”
That was what Thomas told him while they were standing beside each other in training, their eyes looked at a laughing Basti and a joking Lukas.
“What are you talking about?” Philipp asked, his stomach clenched. He never wanted anyone to know about his feelings with Basti, and seemed he had done it well until he had this conversation with Thomas.
“No need to escape the truth, Captain. You have something with Basti.” Thomas grinned widely at Philipp, which was much worse.
“Okay, I do.” Philipp looked down his shoes, as if he was concentrating on finding any dirt on them – but failed, as the shoes were polished by the staff the day before. In fact, he was trying to get out of this conversation as soon as possible.
“Tell me about it, then.” Thomas poked Philipp’s arm, still smiling.
“You don’t understand. You won’t understand, Thomas.” Philipp said, tried to hide the evidence of sadness in his eyes. He looked back to the couple to see Basti embracing Lukas, tried to tickle him, his insides were burning as hell.
“Just tell-“
“Please give me some peace, Thomas.” Philipp calmly cut him off. “It was enough of me for today.” And he meant the truth – he could not stand the pair anymore. He got used to seeing them together, but a curious Thomas would obviously make it more difficult.
At the corner of his eyes, Basti was pressing his lips to Lukas’ cheek.
***
They were at the common room, playing and chatting. Philipp was not actually doing anything, he was just silently sitting in front of the big TV, trying to focus on a God-knows-what program, ignoring two shadowy figures moving in the couch. His eyes were wide but all his muscles were torn, his whole mind and body was exhausted.
“Philipp?”
“Manu.”
“Can I sit here?” The goalkeeper asked politely, looked amused. Philipp was wondering why he was here, usually Manu was attached to Thomas. And Thomas, memories of the conversation flushed back to him.
“Sure, make yourself comfortable.”
Manuel sat down next to Philipp, grabbed the remote and flicked through channels, and Philipp did not mind that. He was not watching anyway.
“Thomas told me about you.”
Philipp’s senses woke up all the same time. “What?”
Manu shrugged. “I know how it feels.”
“Stop talking around the topic Manu.”
“To see your love with someone else.” He turned to see the two men at the corner laughing and yelling at the screen.
“He’s not my lover.” Philipp protested.
“So you admit that you know what I am talking about?” Manu grinned, and Philipp suddenly noticed how his grin matched Thomas. These two. Damn.
“I had enough of Thomas for today, thanks. Don’t be nosy, I can handle my own problems.” He stood up and walked away.
“Wait!” Manu called and Philipp paused his steps. “I’m sorry about Thomas and me, just thought you need somebody to talk to.”
Philipp nodded in acknowledgement.
“Do you want to come with us? We are going to play cards and there are good drinks in Thomas’ hotel room.”
Philipp hesitated.
“Please? No personal thingy, I swear.”
He gave up. “Okay, I will go.”
Manu smiled.
***
He was having his fourth drinks and knew that Jogi would blame him next day, but who cared? Manu was right, the drink was so good, it made him forget all the stress and tiredness. He laid down on Thomas’ bed, let out a loud sigh. He felt sleepy but contented.
“Can I sleep here?”
“Course. I will share with Manu.” Thomas smiled and wrapped his arms around the goalkeeper’s body. Philipp suddenly felt something hit his head. He sat up and slipped his shoes on. “I gotta go.”
“Wait, you just ask to sleep here?” Manu asked, still hugging Thomas.
“I just think I should go back.” Philipp answered and put his hand on the doorknob. “Goodnight.”
“Night.” He heard the word and when he closed the door, Philipp thought he saw Manu joined his lips and Thomas’ together.
***
“Captain!”
“Lukas, just-“
“Oh don’t be too hard Fips, he was just trying to say hi!” Basti laughed and hugged both Philipp and Lukas, his head was between the others'. “Luki, let’s make our captain happy, yeah?”
“Of course!” Lukas laughed and looked at Philipp, who was trying to brushed their hands off. “Philipp, don’t be too tough, go with us for a drink won’t hurt!”
But it would, Philipp thought bitterly. He wanted to deny, but as he opened his mouth to speak, his eyes met Bastian’s willing ones. And the only word escaped his mouth was “Okay”.
“See? That was much better!” Basti laughed, patted on Philipp’s head, “Good job Luki! How may I award you?”
“Buy me new socks then. You tore mine last night!”
Philipp was silent. His heart ached more and more when he heard the pair joking around. And even stronger when he saw Basti’s loving eyes looking at Lukas.
***
Stupid. Stupid.
He should have said “No”.
He was sitting across from the Schweinski, suffering the sight of these love birds together. It was like the world just had those two, as they were making jokes and showing affection to each other, not caring about how other people thought. Not even about Philipp’s feeling.
He slowly stood up from the table. “I gotta go.”
Basti untangled from Lukas and smiled at him, “You know you are welcomed to stay.”
But you did not mean it, Basti, your attention was all on Lukas, Philipp nodded in an exhausted manner. “It’s getting late. Bye. See you.”
But how could I say see you without Lukas?
***
Training was so intense. Philipp was distracted more times and everyone could see it. Just few players knew the truth.
“What’s wrong with you Lahm? You played like, sorry to say this, crap. I know you are always a hard-working player but this is not acceptable. I want to hear a good reason for this.” Jogi said, eyeing the defender, disappointment evident in his voice.
“I have no reasons Sir. I’m sorry.” Philipp looked down his shoes, avoided eye contact with the coach, feeling guilty.
“Fine. You will have extra training this Sunday. As a captain, you need to be the role-model, Lahm. Understand?”
“Yes, Sir.” He mumbled.
***
“Why don’t you tell him, brother? It would be better I swear!” Thomas’ voice was high-pitched, caused Philipp to smack him lightly on the head. “Keep your voice down, idiot!”
“I agree with Mülli,” Manuel mumbled to Philipp, “You can’t keep being like this. Basti needs to know.”
“You two don’t understand…” Philipp protested weakly. Understand that I don’t want to ruin our friendship. Understand that Basti will laugh at me. Understand that I will never dare to look at him again.
Thomas stood up from the couch, hands on his hips, looking directly into Philipp’s eyes. “Maybe you think you are older and we are younger and we are stupid. But, fuck, Fips, I’m not a little kid!” His voice rose after each word. “I may be young, inexperienced and many more, but I know what is right and what is wrong. You. Need. To. Talk. To. Basti.” He stressed on the last words, making Philipp break a cold sweat.
“Just listen to our advice, captain.” Manu added.
“Okay.”
***
But he never told Basti about it. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and he did not breath a word, ignored all those impatient looks from Manu and Thomas. He hoped he was braver.
One day, after the hard training for FC Bayern’s UCL group match, Philipp was the last one to go to the locker room. He slowed down as voices were coming from the place. Somebody was still here. Not somebody, there were two. Philipp did not intend to hear over the conversation, since he respected all his teammates, but this time, something told him to stay still and listen.
“That was so sick, Thomas! Don’t you dare to make up stories like that!” he realised Basti’s angry voice, wondering what made his vice like that.
“It is the fucking truth, Basti! What do I get for making up things that are so important? You must believe me!”
“Why are you telling me, Thomas? Why? You know I’m with Lukas. Is that because you like Luki and you want to break us apart? Tell me!”
“Don’t you fucking dare to say so, Bastian Schweinsteiger! You motherfucker! Why, huh? I can’t stand seeing him all miserable and alone like that! You are with Lukas, that’s why you need to know!”
“Philipp is one hundred and one percent straight, Thomas Müller! He would never have things with a male, not even me! Get your facts right!”
His stomach turned. He suddenly felt the urge to vomit.
“Fine, go ask him! He has feelings for you, Bastian! You can’t be so cold and ignorant like that. You and Lukas, you two broke him into pieces!”
“Oh, then?” Bastian said sarcasticly, “Come and comfort him! I know you are such a slut, loving two men at one time. Manu is not good enough, right? Poor him!”
“You… You motherfucker!” Thomas’ voice was weary and hoarse, and that was enough for Philipp. He pushed the door open and walked in, hugged a crying Thomas in his arms, in front of a shocked Bastian Schweinsteiger.
“Fuck off, Schweinsteiger.” He calmly said.
***
It was raining and Philipp did not care. He was soaked and shivering, but that was nothing to the pain in his heart. Bastian called Thomas names.
He looked up to the sky, feeling the rain dropped on his face. He wanted to escape. He wanted to break into pieces.
“Fips!”
He turned towards the voice. Bastian was running to his place, holding an umbrella to cover them. Philipp did not look at the younger man, if he did so, he would break down immediately.
“Go away, Schweinsteiger.” He pointed at the midfielder. “I don’t want to see your face now.”
Bastian’s eyes begged him some mercy. “Fips, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. Please.”
He shrugged. “The one you need to apologize to is Thomas, not me. And forgive you after your calling the boy that word? Only in your dreams, Schweinsteiger. I could never believe that I was talking to an asshole.”
“Fips-“
“Stop calling me that nickname! You disgust me! I want to vomit!” He spitted, trying to keep calm. Bastian was shocked more than ever: his mouth opened wide, breathed in and out at the venom in Philipp’s words. He backed off and walked away from the defender.
Philipp fell onto the ground, crying.
***
It had been almost a year since that incident. They had not talked to each other as friends. Just orders. Just captain’s words to the vice.
He still loved Bastian, he admitted.
He wanted to make up with Schweini, but the insulting words the blonde called Thomas rang in his head. He felt disgusted.
He shrugged the thoughts away from his head and focused on training. He knew that Bastian was watching him from a distance, Bastian was always watching him. But he ignored it, ignored all the feelings in his heart. Why did it have to be so complicated?
***
“You two haven’t made up yet, right?” Thomas asked Philipp in a training. He nodded, said nothing, he knew he would break down if he did.
“Just talk to him, Fips. Forget everything.” Thomas spoke, rubbed Philipp’s back. He still looked at his shoes (got this habit when he was avoiding something), did not reacted. Basti’s words still haunted him badly that he wanted to break into pieces.
“He insulted you.” He managed to speak, guilt in his voice. “It was my fault. If I had told him, you would not have been call… in that way.”
Thomas nodded.
“It was not your fault that Bastian Schweinsteiger was a complete asshole. Plus, he apologized to me. It was not a sincere apology, I think, but it meant he still wanted to make up with you.”
Philipp looked at the boy, noticed that Thomas had changed much. He still had that childish look on his face and his stupid grin never faded, but there was something old in his eyes. Bastian was like that too, grew up without the notice of Philipp. He tried to smile, but it turned out to be very bitter and he knew Thomas saw it.
“I am glad that you are my friend.” He told the boy, who was grinning.
“I am always here. We are always here.”
He put a hand on the boy’s shoulder, smiled weakly.
“Fips, just talk to Bastian.”
***
Philipp left the pitch, picked up his car keys, turned on the engine and let himself in. He was about to drive away when Bastian knocked on the door, mouthing his name. Sighing, he lowered the window pane and they were looking at each other’s eyes. Philipp was speechless.
“Can I come in, Fips?”
He hesitated.
“Please.”
“Fine.” He said, opened the door quietly. The younger man stepped in, sat beside Philipp.
They were all silent, created an awkward atmosphere in the small car.
“Fips.”
He turned to see Bastian.
“I’m sorry. I really am. Please don’t keep on being so cold like that.”
He did not know how to react.
“I know that I am wrong, so wrong, and this is hard to forgive, but I want to say sorry. Fips, please.”
He sighed. “You think that your sorry can heal all the broken hearts, right? You did not only break my heart but also Thomas’s. What did you think? I thought you had grown up, but no.”
“Fips…”
“I know I am nothing to you.”
“Please don’t say that…”
“So stop showing your pity to me. I don’t need any of it.”
Basti stayed silent for a while.
“Do you still like me, Fips?”
“Not important.”
Bastian nodded. He turned to face Philipp and got closer, planted a kiss on his cheek before opening the door to get out.
Being alone in his car, Philipp collapsed onto his seat. Tears were welling up his eyes as he touched his cheek – where Basti had kissed him. He decided to drive home.
***
He forgave Basti. At least.
The vice was still with Lukas, and Philipp said nothing to that – he always did. He still smiled at the pair, hid his sadness. He knew Thomas and Manu understood his choice.
Basti never knew.
***
Smiled in the morning, publicly.
Cried at night, alone.