Archive of Our Own ^beta

She knew she was insecure at the best of times. She had struggled with it her entire life, so it was nothing new. But what was NOT new was dragging down someone else in the name of her insecurities. 

Being but a 5,000 year old gem, she had never had the time nor patience for romance. Until she met her.

She was different. She was utterly perfect in every way. Amethyst now knew how Pearl felt. Amethyst now knew how Ruby and Sapphire feel. 

She was her life. 

Past tense?

No, she continued to be her life. Even if she fucked up the relationship.

This fuck-up manifested in getting too comfortable. You see, if Amethyst doesn't HAVE to do something, she won't. And a year into the relationship, she became complacent. Hey, her soulmate was gonna be around forever, so why do more?

Then, she became toxic. It was a slow turn, and not even the gem had realised what she was until it was too late. 

Amethyst was too comfortable in being chronically late and lying about why she was late. Too complicit in ignoring her girlfriend's needs, ignoring her own needs. 

It all came to a head when she became unable to distinguish her own emotions. She became more and more hostile towards her lover, all because she couldn't see past her own feelings of unworthiness. Why would this person like me, anyway? She must be toying with me. 

Unconsciously pushing her away was the only thing she could do. 

She only realised the error of her ways when she was broken up with. It wasn't a messy affair: Amethyst sort of shut down in the middle of her partner's speech, and let her go, just like that. 

Amethyst deserved it. She deserved to suffer. It's a wonder that they lasted that long, anyway. 

That didn't mean that it wasn't the most traumatic feeling she had ever felt, though, to be broken up with for faults in her own character. As the feeling of numbness ebbed away, Amethyst was left with a gnawing in her soul; one that kept her heart captive. It hurt. Bad.

But she fucked up, so she deserved it.

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Amethyst had never taken this many showers in her life. They were eternity-long, in order to (rather unsuccessfully) hide her blotchy face and quiet sobs. She had been crying every day, in showers like these, for a week. It had been a week. 

Not that she should be counting.

The guilt she felt was also immense. Amethyst felt herself spiraling into a pit of complete animosity towards everything she was, everything she had become. There was no doubt about it: Amethyst was a bad gem. Through and through. She didn't deserve to be a crystal gem. She didn't deserve to...

A sharp knock drew her out of her thoughts, and she could hear her name being called by a concerned-sounding Pearl,

"You've been in there for two hours. Maybe it's time to get out?"

Letting out a big sigh, Amethyst turned off the now ice-cold water, dried and dressed herself, then opened the door to see Pearl's worried expression staring back at her. 

"You're certainly squeaky clean now!" She laughed nervously.

Amethyst grunted in response, and immediately walked past her, to her bedroom. The tall woman could do nothing but watch her leave.

Garnet and Pearl were at a loss for what to do. Garnet tried to help, but ended up upsetting her more by inadvertently flaunting her relationship. Pearl, too, attempted to offer advice, but she was also turned away: despite knowing the same feeling of heartbreak that Amethyst was feeling, she didn't know the right words in which to console her. 

There was no doubt about it, Amethyst was in a bad way. Even worse than they had ever seen her before; even worse than when she had an identity crisis, or tried to defeat Jasper, or thought she was the weakest Crystal Gem and almost destroyed herself to prove it. It was NOW that she was most totally out of her mind. 

But there was nothing they could do for her. She didn't want their help.

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I drew a bath and buried my face in the mountain of bubbles. Maybe this would make me feel better.

Nope. Still couldn't forget her. Oh joy, here come the tears.

Why couldn't I just not cry for five minutes? Five minutes! My days consisted of trying not to cry, and actually crying. Not the most productive, but hey, everyone needs a break sometimes right? My break has just been...a week now. 

Sighing, I plunged deeper into the bathtub, and the bubbles rose and created a crown around my head. I had been neglecting socializing for a long time now, and had barely talked to anyone in the past few days. I'm not sure I could without my voice cracking. Of course I had shot messages to all of my closest friends, telling them what happened, and so far they had been rather supportive, but kept their distance - as I wished it to be.

My phone rang. I scrambled towards it frantically, quickly drying my hands on a towel that was neglected on the floor, and flipped it over to see the caller ID.

My heart immediately sank when I saw that it was just Jenny. Don't get me wrong, I love her; she's one of my best friends. But....yeah. I thought maybe SHE would be the one calling me over and over, begging for forgiveness or something I don't know. I don't WANT her to beg for forgiveness, but I thought she'd at least try to win me back. Try to change. To be a better person.

I slowly raised the phone to my ear,

"Hey! I was just calling to see if you want to go to Sour Cream's rave this evening? And before you say no, you can't spend every day moping around because of a break-up! C'mon, girl, forget about everything for a minute!"

I sighed. 

"Sorry Jenny, but I'm actually in this great party right now. It's called the sad club. No one else here but me. Oh, and a rubber duck. Having a great time. Woo."

I could hear her laugh at this half-hearted joke, but didn't get the memo and continued,

"Oh, girl, you're so funny! Alright, I'll pick you up at 7. See ya!"

And with that, she hung up the call, and I descended into my throne of bubbles yet again, trying to drown out my dread of having to dress up all nice to attend a party that I don't even want to go to.

When the water got too cold and my fingertips shriveled up like raisins, I rose and stepped out onto the cool stone floor. Grabbing a towel, I wrapped it around my shoulders and tried to contain my shivers. 

Time to prepare for the party, I guess. 

When Jenny arrived an hour later, I was all ready to go. Despite having to reapply my eyeshadow three times due to my emotions not cooperating, I had managed to finally seal my makeup (gotta be waterproofed, there's no way I won't make it the whole evening without shedding a tear at least once - someone's bound to ask me about.... it), blow-dry my hair, and dress in my most comfortable clubbing outfit: a black bodycon dress and flats.

It was actually one of the only clothing items that I could bear to wear right now. Too many of my clothes had memories attached to them. Painful memories. I regret ever liking purple so much.

"Heyy! You're looking fiiine." She said, with a wink. I attempted a small smile, and walked out to her car, where a few more of our friends waited.

Buck, Lars and Sadie greeted me with hesitation and softness in their voices, but once we got going, and the upbeat music started blasting out of the car speakers, they returned to normal volume. They tried to include and distract me as much as possible, although I was not much help in the way of this; there was even a moment where, when I looked like I was about to burst into tears, Sadie grabbed my hand, giving it a soft squeeze of sorority. She's a sweetheart. 

I could hear the music before I saw the building. It was certainly not my favourite genre, but it was certainly music to dance to. Here's where I tried not to think about every time we would dance in the kitchen, on the beach, even at this very warehouse. She was so cute when she got into the music like that.

Nope. I shouldn't think. I should just try to forget about all that, and create some new memories for myself, ones not plagued with her presence.

Heading into the venue, I was taken aback at how many people were there; at how they would crazily bump into each other, bopping and grinding. Jenny walked me to the middle of the dance floor, and proceeded to begin dancing. More than once, she attempted to dance with me, and I attempted to dance too, but my usual enthusiasm was not to be seen. However, the more I danced, the looser I felt, and the more the music tore through my ear drums, the less I could hear her voice in the back of my mind. I restricted the amount of drinking I did, but I still felt a soft buzzing in my chest. I was dancing, I was laughing, I was...having a good time?

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"Heyy, Amethyst. Wanna go to Sour Cream's concert tonight?" Steven shouted up to the lackadaisical gem, who was lounging on his bed, eating whatever food she could find in the freezer (which happened to be ice cream), and watching some mind-numbing program on the little television.

"Mmm, no thanks." She barely glanced over to him before returning her attention to the screen. 

"But it'll be fuuuun. And you know Garnet and Pearl never want to go to these things! Pleaaase?" 

Amethyst took another handful of ice cream and shoved it into her mouth, chewing slowly,

"Take Connie instead."

"But she's busy studying! Pleaaase, Amethyst? I'll buy you all the doughnuts you want if you come."

Now, that was a tempting deal. Eating her feelings was fun, especially if it was an entire box of multicoloured pastries. She pondered for a few more seconds, but eventually decided that the lure of baked goods far outdid her wish to watch this crappy TV show. And she always enjoyed dancing. 

Always used to enjoy it.

"Fine. But it better be a dozen."

Amethyst made no effort to dress up, opting to just go in what she was in already: her usual tank top and leggings. What's the point in dressing up anyway. She wasn't trying to impress anyone. And she had proved that she was too lazy to dress up even when in a relationship with someone, so.

The two of them clambered in Steven's car, stopping by the Big Donut, and then making their way to the other side of town.

As soon as Amethyst got there, she realised this was a mistake. 

The party was in full swing: music blaring, sweaty humans everywhere, and Amethyst didn't have the energy to keep up with the beat. Nevertheless, Steven dragged her inside and began to dance with her, a wide smile on his face. At least he was enjoying himself, she thought. Guess I shouldn't be so selfish and try to have a good time for Steven's sake. 

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"Sorry, I'm not interested." I shouted over the din of the music. A huge gem had wandered over to me at some point as I was having a moment's respite from dancing, my body supported by the cool stone of the back wall. This woman was certainly rather forward, and I didn't have the energy to deal with all this 'flirting', if you could even call it that when I could barely hear her words. I believe I must have seen this quartz before at some point; it would be difficult to forget someone who was so tall, muscular, and intimidating.

My friends were still too busy throwing it down in the midst of the crowd; they could not see that I was trapped between the crummy wall and my assailant, who had artfully placed a hand to the left of my head, blocking me in. I could tell that she would not be taking "no" for an answer. This was incredibly uncomfortable.

Especially because she resembled....a certain someone. She was a quartz, after all.

Perhaps it was the drink clouding my thought, or the fact that she was a near facsimile, or the unbearable heat of a hundred sweaty bodies, but instead of trying to get my friends' assistance, I instead thought leaving the venue would fix all my problems. 

Shakily pointing to the door as an excuse, I ducked under her arm and made my way to the exit. I could feel the huge woman's heavy footsteps following me. Guess I couldn't shake her that easily. She was a warrior gem, after all. 

I finally passed through the throngs of party-goers and through the broken doorway, making it out into the fresh air. I gulped in a few breaths, grateful for the cool night.

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Amethyst's world was crumbling. It was definitely a mistake to be here. She would rather be ANYWHERE but here. 

Because there she was. Acting like nothing had happened. 

She was dancing with her friends. Her face plastered with the same carefree smile that was ingrained in Amethyst's memory. Wasn't that smile meant for her? 

Blinded by grief, the small gem retreated to a less populated corner of the warehouse and took a few calming breaths. Her hands wouldn't stop shaking.

Amethyst watched as she twirled around, as graceful and glorious as ever. The more she watched, the more she felt a stabbing sensation in the gem on her sternum. It hurt. Bad. It hurt to see her happy, without a worry in the world, without her. She used to do anything to see that smile, to hear her laugh, to make the woman she loved happy. Then everything went wrong.

Amethyst fucked up.

And there wasn't anything left to do except reap what she had sown.

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I turned the corner and stood at the side of the building, gazing up at the sky with the same wonder I had felt the first time I saw the view from this place; it never failed to amaze me, the idyllic scenery of Beach City.

"I'm a sad girl, in this big world. It's a mad world." The words left my mouth before I even knew what they meant. But they were true.

The big gem caught up to me. She didn't hear what I said.

"Yeah, this is better. More quiet out here. More private." Her voice was gruff, but I could tell that she was trying not to appear so monstrous before me. I bet she was learning about human interaction from those lessons at Little Homeworld. She still had a ways to go, that's for sure. But drink makes me a heedless hero and that's why I'm not as afraid of her as I should be. Plus, she's a quartz. I know...knew.... quartzes.

I decided to indulge in my pursuer for a bit. I had nothing better to do.

"What's your name, by the way?"

"Jasper." The gem on her nose shone like another one of the stars in the sky as she turned to face me,

"I love your gem. You live in Little Homeworld?" I pointed over to the collection of buildings not so far away, and she nodded.

"Nice place?" She again did a little nod in my direction. Not much of a talker, I suppose.

We kept up conversation for a bit (correction: I asked her every question with liquid courage in my veins, about life in Little Homeworld, about her life before that, until she got irritated by the amount of questions I had asked), and not once did she ask for my name. I supposed it was because she didn't know the human custom of wanting to know the name of your conversational partner. But I was probably just another human to her. 

It was late. I wasn't sure what time it was, but it was late enough for me to have come down from my high. I was filled with a somberness whilst staring listlessly in the stars. Jasper was still with me. I wasn't sure why she was still there. The fun was inside.

There was no one around us; everyone was either partying the night away, around the corner smoking, or safe in their beds at home. 

This is when Jasper once again came into my line of sight, but not by my choice. She sauntered in front of me, her amber eyes glinting dangerously in the starlight. Something was wrong; my whole body froze under her authority. Her mouth curled up into a smirk while she snaked a rough hand around my arm, the other cupping my chin. She was surprisingly gentle, but these touches were unsolicited,

"Hey, uh, I had a great time talking with you but like I said, I'm really not interested." Jasper's eyes widened, but then returned to normal as she let out a laugh. Her mouth brushed the shell of my ear as she whispered,

"You humans are so strange. You talk with me all evening, but you aren't interested? Makes no sense to me." After uttering these words, she moves her lips to my neck, leaving phantom kisses. In fact, was she smelling me? 

I was still frozen by her touch. She had both of my arms pinned to the wall at this point, at my sides. I squeezed my eyes shut in a silent plea for this to not be happening to me. There's only one person I'd ever want to do this to me and...

....that's when I heard her voice.

"What do you think you're doing?" 

She was loud and reckless, as she always was. I'm betting she didn't mean to shout over to us, but ended up doing so anyway because her strong emotions make her do things like that. If this wasn't a scary moment for me, and if we hadn't broken up a week ago, I'd  have laughed at the way she just couldn't keep herself contained: she was so abundantly and absolutely her.

"Amethyst," I whispered, watching her dark figure in the distance, eternally grateful for her presence right about now, but also not entirely sure I wanted to see her so soon. Huh, that made no sense.

Jasper paused in the act and turned to the intruder,

"What are you doing here?" She asked in an accusatory tone.

The smaller gem stepped closer. She looked rough. Her hair was even messier, her eyes darker, her clothes more crumpled and stained. She avoided my gaze entirely; I couldn't blame her. She struggled to formulate words, her mind running a mile a minute.

I took Jasper's slack in judgement to quickly elude myself from her grip. I turned and stepped away a few paces to make Amethyst see, at least, I hope she could see that I wasn't... But we weren't together anyway, so what did it matter. 

I felt adrenaline spike my bloodstream and my heart sped at a groundbreaking tempo: the close shave with Jasper, the arrival of Amethyst, the pain of seeing your ex so soon after breaking up with them. This was all too much for what was supposed to be a relaxing evening.

"You broke up with that runt a week ago. You should be over it by now." Jasper growled, turning to me.

"I, uh, I-I..." My mind was blank. I wasn't over it, I wasn't over her, but it's not like I could say that while she was standing right next to me! It was only now that I realised that Jasper must not have asked for my name, because she already knew who I was. Amethyst must know Jasper in some capacity, and Jasper must have known that I am...was Amethyst's beau.

Yet, I could still not find the words. My cheeks stained an absolutely disastrous shade of pink, and although the night was cool, my body burned.

Amethyst didn't say anything.

I ran away.

I turned my heel and fled back into the warehouse in the hopes that my friends were still there, that they could save me from this nightmare of a night-out. 

Told you that I needed to waterproof my makeup. 

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Garnet's future vision was hazy for the next few days. She couldn't see if Amethyst's problems could be resolved. She couldn't even see if Amethyst would survive to the next week. It worried her to no end, but, of course, she would not let the rest of her family see this quagmire.

What she did know, though, is that Amethyst needed to leave the house. There was one possible future that was clearer than the others. And that future involved getting out of the house.

"You need to get out of here. You need to go see her."

The purple gem looked up from her junk pile, horrified at the words the permafusion just said.

"What!? Why would I do that!" 

"Because."

Wow, great explanation, Garnet. Really solid reasoning.

Of course Amethyst wouldn't go see the person that literally broke her heart. Why would she subject herself to more pain by staring what could have been in the face. What happiness she could have seen if she hadn't fucked up so royally.

The small gem, curled in on herself, looking like a guinea pig more than a gem at this point, made no effort to move.

Sighing, Garnet grabbed Amethyst by the back of her shirt and tucked her under her arm.

"If you won't go by yourself, I'll have to take you!" She bounded out of Amethyst's room and back through the door into the beach hut, the short girl grunting and screaming to be let down all the while. 

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Garnet only let Amethyst down at her ex's doorstep.

"Now, wait. She'll be here soon." Garnet, with hands on hips, commanded Amethyst, and for reasons unknown to the lavender girl, she obeyed.

"Well, yeah. I mean, she comes off her shift around now but..." Amethyst grumbled to herself, opting to hide her face in her mane of hair. Garnet had long but disappeared back to the beach house.

Scuff, scuff, scuff. She had taken to kicking the tarmac with her boots, still unsure why she didn't just walk away when Garnet first left her here. 

Well, she knew why. And if Garnet, the permafusion with future vision, says that this relationship is worth it, then Amethyst will wait. Even if a minute feels like an hour with the hot sun beating down on her, and butterflies making a nest of her stomach. 

She couldn't hear her coming. She couldn't see her coming, either, owing to her peripheral vision being shaded by lilac locks.

But all at once, there she was again. 

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I didn't know what to think when I saw Amethyst waiting outside my front door. At first, my heart skipped a beat and I felt a surge of excitement wash over me. It was her! But then, yet again, I realised that I had broken up with her. We weren't together.

Every bone in my body wanted to avoid her, to keep walking to Sadie's, to Fish Stew Pizza, to ANYONE who would take me for a couple hours. But I fought back this vicious impulse and kept my feet heading directly towards her thickset figure. Then, for the first time in a while, I began to feel hope.

I didn't say a word until I was right in front of her. I gave it a second; she was still swinging her leg back and forth in boredom, and did not notice I was there until she could see the tops of my worn-out Nikes a foot away from her own feet.

"Hi." I whispered. It was supposed to come out in a full-voiced greeting, but my lungs failed me. There was an awkward silence as we gazed at each other with rue. I could see the cogs whirring in her brain when it occurred to her that she had to reply,

"Hey, uh, I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing here," she feigned a smile and forced a chuckle, "But Garnet told me I should come talk to you, and she's usually right about these sorts of things, so...um..." 

Silence enveloped us, again. But a shorter period, this time,

"Would you," I cleared my throat and spoke at a normal volume, "Would you want to come inside?"

I had never felt so stressed in my life.

Amethyst had never felt so stressed in her life.

We have everything to lose.

She followed me inside like she was a stranger to this house. Perched on the sofa like she didn't belong. I dropped off my bag and shoes by the front door,  took a seat opposite her on the same sofa, and waited. There must be something she wanted to say, right? 

Picking at her cuticles, she yet again avoids my curious gaze, but begins speaking in a low, steady, yet pained, tone,

"Look, I know I fucked up. I'm just this massive loser who shouldn't be with you. Call me a quitter, whatever." She turned away from me, hair sweeping in front of her face. Her posture shrunk even further, and I could see that she was debating just calling it quits right now. What was the point of being here?

"I don't know why I'm here. I don't deserve to be taken back. I'm a bad gem. I'm defective. But..." she finally looked up at me,

"...But I guess I wanted to see you one last time."

I froze. Amethyst was spiraling big time, I could see that for sure. No matter the icy exterior she was building. The roadblocks she was putting in my way.

I realised, now, that although Amethyst was a gem, a strong, resolute stone, it didn't mean that she was unable to change as a person. Amethyst, she could change. She could. I knew she could. The Amethyst I knew a week ago wouldn't have stayed, wouldn't have apologised. But this Amethyst was still here.

"Yes, you fucked up. Big time." I was unable to keep myself from letting out at least some of the frustration I felt, my tone strangled and strange. I could only see her left eye as she turned slightly in my direction, surveying my face with a completely monotonous gaze. She was going to take all the criticism I had. Unfortunately for her, I didn't have any more than that.

I swallowed and continued,

"You fucked up. But that doesn't mean you're irredeemable. That doesn't mean you're a loser."

During the course of my speech my tone softened, my voice decrescendoed, and I found my body leaning into the empty space between us,

"...that doesn't mean that I don't still love you. I'll always love you."

At these words, she whipped around in shock; eyes wide, mouth forming silent words. I went completely still, wondering what she was thinking. She stared at me in disbelief and I couldn't help but raise my hand to sketch across her cheek, before faultering and bringing my hand back to my lap. Her cheeks lit up, as they always did when I touched her. She shut her mouth, opened it again, then shut it,

"B-but you were out there! At the rave, having a great time! Without me! You were so much better off without me! You ARE better off without me!" She near-shrieked, her eyes reflecting so much pain: a red hot scalding hurt that enveloped my heart and squeezed it dry. It hurt. Bad. 

I had to stop this, now. My hands unconsciously gripped her shoulders.

"Okay, well, first off, I was only at that rave because Jenny dragged me. I was only dancing so I wouldn't drink to oblivion. I only stepped outside because I felt suffocated. But that's not even important right now." Breath caught in my throat. Amethyst looked up,

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, Amethyst. No kidding. Even when you were a bitch to me."

She stared at me for what seemed like a minute, unmoving. Then, before I could even register what was happening, her lips were on mine. But once my torpid brain was made aware of that familiar pressure of Amethyst's wonderfully chaotic kisses, I wrapped my arms around her neck and deepened the embrace. She moved at a feverish pace, pushing me down so she was straddling my hips, and from then on, our kiss was perpetual. It was only when I had to breathe that she pulled back slightly, her dark indigo eyes baring into mine,

"You don't know how much I wanted to do that."

A real, enraptured smile bloomed on her face, and I could not help but mirror it,

"Gosh, you gems go from 1 to 100 real quick. Give me time to catch up!" I panted. She chuckled again, laying her head to rest on my chest. Her hair created a cocoon around me, one that felt safe and familiar,

"I've been so lonely. I can't talk to anyone like I can talk to you." Amethyst gripped me even tighter as she spoke,

"And I know this doesn't mean you want me back. I fucked up. There are consequences. But I fucked up, and I don't deserve you, and I..."

I pressed a chaste kiss to her mouth before she could spiral any further, 

"I want you." I lifted myself back up to a seated position and squeezed my palms to the sides of her face, rubbing my thumbs on her soft cheeks to smear some of the tears that trickled down,

"But I want the old you. Let's... have a relationship reset. I want you to work on this relationship like you did at the beginning. I'll keep putting in the effort, if you do too."

She nodded eagerly, and couldn't help but kiss me again, this time slowly and tenderly. Her short fingers wound round the back of my neck, and I sighed in contentment. Sure, a week wasn't a long time to be apart from someone you love, hypothetically. But when that someone you love had been absent for far longer, in a way that you could not control, a week seemed an eternity.

"Babe, that's the least I can do. Watch out, you're going to be treated like a princess from now on!" 

Her cute button nose nuzzled my own, and I couldn't help but giggle and squeeze her tight.  

"Y'know, I don't think I can live without you. If this week has been anything to go by, it's the most torturous thing I've ever had to do." Amethyst's eyes shone with unshed tears, while mine unwittingly spilled over, making thin silver lines.

I was just so thankful that she could still be in my life.

"You're such a bad thing. I'm so addicted to you." 

"Me too. To you, I mean."