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“I need a minute, if you all don’t mind.”
The Nein had regrouped back in the cavern beneath the volcano, taking a rest before venturing back into the lair to properly assess the loot strapped to Vokodo’s back.
“You okay Yasha?” Jester asked immediately, “Do you need healing?”
“Not right now,” Yasha shook her head slightly, just once, her gaze dipping towards the ground in front of Jester, “I just need a moment alone.”
“We’ll be here, if you need anything,” Fjord was the closest to her, and he lightly brushed his fingertips at her elbow as he spoke softly, his words missed by most of the group.
Yasha twisted her lips, not quite a smile, but conveying her gratitude nonetheless, and inclined her head towards him in thanks.
Turning away, her gaze skipped over Caduceus, whose wet hair was flopped messily over one ear in a fashion at odds with his meditative state as he began a prayer of healing for the group, “I can take a look at you later, if you wish.”
“Thank you, Caduceus. I would appreciate that.”
Turning away from the group as they keep near Caduceus, Yasha moved towards the stern of the Eden’s Horizon, keeping her eyes downcast and letting the last night and the morning’s battle begin to roll over her. Picking up her pace as she felt her chest tighten knowingly, nearly jogging up to the railing at the stern and choking out a gasp as she felt the first tears bubble over. Leaning her hands on the railing, she dropped her head to her chest, the anguish roiling inside her.
“Don’t let me be a shackle.”
She had never wanted anything but goodness and love when it came to Zuala, She had been Yasha’s home, the center of her world, and her people had tainted everything. Zuala understood her in a way few, if any, ever had. She was Orphan Maker, but not by choice, by design, and Zuala alone had understood the difference.
She was good at killing.
She preferred to protect life.
That was what made it so difficult with the Nein. She felt her autonomy in battle was frequently being upended to the detriment of protecting those she cared for. They were more her family now than anyone except Molly or Zuala had been before, and she would lay down her life to protect them, if only she could keep her wits about herself in battle.
Taking a shuddering breath in, Yasha cast her eyes up towards the dark ceiling, “Oh Stormlord, why do I get tangled up so easily?” Is there something you’re trying to teach me?
If it was, she felt the lesson had an unfairly high cost to it.
She wanted to be better at this. Choosing to leave Zuala in her dream had been heartbreaking, but she did it knowing that Zuala would always be with her. Yasha would always bring her flowers. She would always be a strength of hers. Yasha wanted to be better, and she knew Zuala would want her to try and fight for it.
There was more for her to do in this life, the Stormlord was making that clear to her. She didn’t know exactly what, but she would give him her sword and strength in anything he asked of her. For now, being with the Nein, helping and healing with them, seemed to be enough for him, and she was okay with that, because she felt like she was better with them.
They made her feel like she was more of a whole person than she had been since Molly.
Oh Molly.
Swallowing thickly, Yasha lifted her hand to wipe the tears off her face.
I wish you were here, Molly, there are so many things I want to tell you.
“Another time, friend,” Yasha whispered softly.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude.”
Yasha’s eyes widened at the voice, swallowing her surprise with a short intake of breath. Beauregard. Steadying herself, Yasha flexed her grip on the railing slightly, using the feel of the rough wood beneath her hands to center her attention.
“I can go,” Beau spoke after another moment, and based on the tone along, Yasha could nearly see the hand at the back of Beau’s neck, rubbing self-consciously up into her undercut.
Turning her head to get the younger woman in her sightline, she twitched her lips up gently, “It’s okay, Beau, you’re welcome to stay.”
“Oh,” Beau’s hand was on her neck, cupping along the side of it, and Yasha could see congealed blood on her hand and where it was staining her bracers. “I just, I thought you said…”
“I was thinking of Molly,” Yasha replied with a rueful smile, “He would have loved to have been here for this, the chaos of it.”
Beau let out a soft chuckle, “Yeah, I’m sure he would’ve gotten a real kick out of that banishment shit.”
Yasha inclined her head in moderate agreement, “Maybe not in the moment, but yes, he would have,” Flicking her gaze off Beau’s face and onto her hand, “Did Caduceus heal you? Your hand still looks pretty roughed up.”
Beau lifted her hand off her neck and glanced at it, “What? Oh, yeah, he did some, but I wanted to meditate, and I figured it would be quieter back here, and I saw you come this way, so I figured I’d make sure you were okay before I started.”
Yasha smiled softly, “Thank you for checking.”
Beau nodded, “No problem, I just, I know that battle didn’t go so great for you, not that it went particularly great for any of us, and I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help you?”
Her voice had risen at the end, as if unsure of where her statement was going and Yasha felt a warmth build in her chest at the words.
“I was thinking the same thing myself.” Yasha replied, breaking her gaze to glance out into the cavern, she took a moment to just listen to the creaking of the other boats and the gentle lapping of water.
“Would you,” Yasha paused, glancing back at Beau, “I mean, if it is not too intrusive, would you mind showing me how?”
“How?” Beau parroted, her brow furrowing slightly. Then, after a delay, “To meditate?”
Yasha nodded.
Beau seemed to soften at that, her frame relaxing slightly, the nerves melting away. A smile ticked up one side of her mouth, “Of course Yash, I’d be happy to.”
Yasha returned the smile and released her hold on the railing to turn more fully towards Beau, who backed up a step to sit down onto the deck. Reaching out, Yasha locked her hands around Beau’s hands, helping her ease down, casting Healing Hands as she did so.
Beau’s eyes locked on hers as the healing spell washed over her, and her lips parted in surprise.
“You didn’t have to-”
“I wanted to,” Yasha replied, cutting her off.
A certain part of her felt foolish, and she felt a blush rising even as she spoke. Beau was not some weakling, and while the monk didn’t frequently ask for help, Yasha understood being given the choice to ask was an important one to her. As someone who struggled with retaining control over her own self often enough, she worried her action would be considered too forward. She wanted Beau to be safe and healthy, and she would do whatever she could to ensure that. She just needed to articulate that in way that would make sense.
“I don’t mean to overstep, I just,” Yasha huffed out a breath, trying to concentrate her thoughts appropriately. Her eyes flicked over Beau’s head for a moment before moving back to lock onto her gaze, “You would be considered the tip of our spear, to my people, and I want to help protect you if I can. If you’ll let me.”
Adjusting her hold, Beau gripped Yasha’s hands in her own to help steady her as she sat down.
“Thanks, Yash,” Beau murmured, squeezing her grip slightly as Yasha settled.
Yasha dropped her gaze, giving herself a moment for rallying her composure. Sitting right across from Beau did not do much for her nerves. Neither did talking to her.
“I’m…not used to people looking out for me like that,” Beau replied after a beat, her own words jerky as she seemed to try to sort out her thoughts, “Sometimes I’m still sorta getting used to the whole ‘team’ aesthetic, yunno?”
Yasha glanced up, loosening her grip on Beau’s hands and Beau let her hands fall back to her own knees, scratching the skin slightly.
“I do.”
“It’s okay though, I don’t mind you healing me,” Beau continued quickly, almost nervously, and Yasha watched as a dusky blush spread up her neck, her eyes focusing on Beau’s throat contracting in a tight swallow before she spoke again, “It’s feels more intimate, almost as if it’s more focused or something.”
“It doesn’t…” Yasha paused, trying to find a safe way to voice her concerns, “…make you feel uncomfortable?”
Beau shook her head, “No, not at all.”
Yasha smiled at that, “Good. I’m glad.”
A moment passed, and Yasha felt soothed almost, sitting with Beau. It reminded her of when she would sit with Zuala in the evenings, when they would just spend time in each other’s presence, just being.
It felt a little bit like home.