Archive of Our Own

When Namjoon learns that magic is real, it’s because of a silver watch. It’s Yoongi’s watch and it’s the first time Namjoon has noticed it. They’ve been friends for a little bit now, having bonded over both being Korean at the same university in America.

They’re at a coffee shop on campus, the only one open this late at night, when Yoongi checks his watch.

“Your watch, it’s-“

“Vintage?” Yoongi quips with a glance at Namjoon and a quirk of his mouth.

“I was going to say broken, actually,” Namjoon corrects.

And it does look broken. There are no numbers and even if there were, it wouldn’t matter because there are no hands. The facing is something a little iridescent that looks like it’s moving on its own which, Namjoon is very aware, would be impossible.

Yoongi takes one look at Namjoon’s face and he laughs. It’s a real laugh, a warm laugh.

“It’s not broken,” Yoongi says through a smile. “It works fine, perfect actually. Here, look.” To Namjoon’s surprise, Yoongi takes the watch off and hands it over. “See, it’s just-“

“Different.”

“Yeah. Different,” Yoongi agrees as he watches Namjoon stare down at the watch.

The watch isn’t really a watch at all, Namjoon finds. It’s a little container for a whole universe. The face of it swirls with shades of gray mixing with blues and browns and greens and the whole thing shines. Every once in a while a little spot of white light appears but it’s gone just as quick. Even more often there are clouds that pop up with shimmery golden lightning that seem to explode in pixie dust of all things.

He doesn’t understand how something like this exists, and Yoongi must take pity on his confusion because he says, “You can’t tell me you haven’t heard the rumors.”

“I’ve heard them.” 

Of course Namjoon has heard the rumors. The ones that whisper tales of Yoongi and his involvement in the secret societies. That the secret societies deal in magic and that’s why Yoongi is here, because they needed him to be in charge with his understanding of magic, with his skills. But they were all just rumors and Namjoon has never been one for gossip.

“Well some of them are true you know. Did you really think I was here for academics?” And it’s true that the thought had crossed Namjoon’s mind after watching Yoongi pale when he learned one of his classes required him to write a two paged paper every week. However, Namjoon had also seen Yoongi read full psychology textbooks and do calculus problems to relax so he hadn’t questioned it. After all, not everyone enjoys the writing. But this… this is something else entirely.

He’s always been good with puzzles, ever since he was little, but really, he should have seen this coming. From day one, Yoongi has been a puzzle with no solutions, from the family he won’t talk about to the leather journal he carries with him to the feeling Namjoon feels when Yoongi calls asking for company to the coffee shop. After all, mystery and magic seem to fall on the same plane, and with this watch in his hand, it isn’t hard to see where they could overlap in someone like Yoongi.

“This isn’t really a watch is it?”

“No Namjoon, it’s not really a watch,” Yoongi says, amused. “It’s a tracker. A way to see how much magical discharge is being put into the universe. The gray is unused magical energy, like a constant current that runs under everything. The rising energy shows an abundance. For example if there were two people with magical aptitude in the same vicinity, there would be more magical energy and they’d make a little cloud. The white is charged energy from things like rituals. And the gold,” and here, Yoongi’s face lights up like this is the best part and this whole explanation isn’t insane. “The gold is magic in use.”

“It’s a magical tracker?”

“Yes Namjoon. Did you hear anything I just said?”

“Yes, yes! Sorry, it’s just-“ Namjoon doesn’t know how to explain it. He would think Yoongi was lying, making up a story, if it wasn’t for the fact that even if he may be secretive, he’s always told the truth. “Which other rumors are true?” He asks because he wants to know how deep this goes, these factual rumors about the only person he can’t solve.

“Most of the big ones I guess,” Yoongi shrugs. “The secret societies and the reasons I’m here and the magic of course,” Yoongi says and it’s infuriating when he takes a sip of his coffee like this is an everyday conversation.

Namjoon wants to ask Yoongi why he's answering his questions when it took weeks for him to pull out the fact the Yoongi was born in Daegu. But now they are talking about magic like it’s as easy as talking about the weather. Namjoon wants to ask why Yoongi didn’t say anything sooner but it makes sense, wanting the rumors to stay rumors. Namjoon can only imagine that the involvement of magic could make people a little weary. He can understand Yoongi’s hesitance. If he had a secret like this that could alter the way people see him, he probably wouldn’t tell anyone either.

Really, it’s not that surprising, the existence of magic. Namjoon had heard whispers of magic his whole life even when he was a little boy in Korea and his mother would steer him away from shops advertising healing crystals. In school there were always kids no one talked to because they seemed a little disconnected, like they constantly had a foot in another world. Looking at it now, if anyone he knew was going to be rooted in magic, it would be Yoongi. It had to be Yoongi with his secrets and mysterious air. He’s not so different from those kids in Korea. Hell, he probably was one.

And if anyone was going to change the things he knew about the world, he’s glad it’s Yoongi.

Yoongi invites Namjoon over to his apartment within the next week. They’ve been spending a lot of time together after the magical watch conversation and Namjoon’s glad for it. He feels good around Yoongi and it’s nice to be able to speak Korean. The invitation is under the context of Namjoon helping Yoongi with his essay, and that would be fine, but Namjoon can’t help it if he hopes for a little bit more. If he hopes that Yoongi enjoys his company as much as he enjoys Yoongi’s.

Yoongi had given Namjoon his address on a piece of honest to god parchment ripped from his leather journal and written in pure black ink. He hadn’t really said anything, just that’d he’d be home tomorrow and he needed a proof reader but he looked shy when he said it and namjoon didn’t understand why.

So here he is now, at Yoongi’s door. He knocks and Yoongi doesn’t make him wait long until the door swings open and wow.

“Wow.”

“Wow?” Yoongi asks and Namjoon blushes.

“Oh! Nothing! I mean it’s not nothing. It’s just your clothes they look-“ and maybe that’s not the best place in his sentence to grapple with what to say because…

“Its that bad?” Yoongi asks and Namjoon never thought of Yoongi as someone who cared about what others thought, but he sounds disappointed.

It’s good, just different and Namjoon was decidedly not expecting this kind of blindside tonight. Yoongi’s shirt is this fitted button up pattered with random objects and splashes of color and the sleeves are pushed up to his elbows, his watch on his wrist. His pants are striped dark red and black and there’s also this black wide-brimmed hat that tops it off. The thing that really throws Namjoon off is that it fits and he likes the oversized sweaters and wide-legged pants Yoongi normally favors but this, this is nice too.

He looks otherworldly, witchy even and it’s good. If only Namjoon could tell him that.

“No! No they’re good. The clothes. They’re good, on you,” Namjoon stutters out and it’s not exactly eloquent but it’s true and he hopes he doesn’t imagine the blush on Yoongi’s cheeks.

“There was a meeting with the society and I just got back so..." Yoongi gestures to himself. “But I’m glad, that you like it.” Yoongi clears his throat and duck his head opening the door wider as he says, “Well, come in Namjoon-ah.”

So Namjoon does and he’s immediately overwhelmed with just how Yoongi the space is.

The walls are blue but they’re covered in posters and drawings and pages ripped from books. Namjoon catches sight of a poster of the moon cycle and a hand drawn diagram of several plants and their medicinal purposes. There’s a couch straight out of a victorian film and a piano buried in sheet music. The room is filled to the brim with stacks and stacks of books and plants that spill out through the open doors and onto the balcony.

“Sorry about the mess, I don’t really have many people over,” Yoongi says as he pushes books and plants out of the way to make a more direct path for Namjoon to the couch. Yoongi's picking up a watering can then.

“I was watering them before you came. Sit down Namjoon-ah.”

“Why do you have so many?” Namjoon asks as he picks his way over to the couch, carefully, as not to knock over any books or bump any plants.

“You remember the magic stuff the societies wanted me for? I can make remedies and salves. Most of the plants in here I use for stuff like that, but a few are just house plants. This one,” Yoongi starts, stopping to water a little plant with fan like leaves, “has healing properties. It’s a tree really, but I just replant the starts so it doesn’t grow too big.”

“And you make magic potions with them.”

Yoongi’s amused smile meets him as he says, “Remedies, Namjoon. Just remedies and salves. Maybe an elixir here and there.”

And really, Namjoon doesn’t get the difference between a so called remedy and a potion but he doesn’t ask, content to watch as Yoongi waddles around, diligently watering every plant, occasionally wondering off into the kitchen for a refill before he’s back.

While Yoongi pads around the apartment, Namjoon keeps busy looking at everything Yoongi has stuck to the wall. He finds a poster with the header The Natural System of Colors that has a couple of color wheels and their relations. There’s also a celestial chart that has scribbles of erased handwriting and little sticky notes all over it, like someone has been taking notes.

But what really catches Namjoon’s eye is a charcoal drawing that was ripped out of a sketchbook, all of its edges torn. It’s a portrait of Yoongi, a headshot and Namjoon’s never seen anything like it. He doesn’t know if it’s the art itself or the subject, but it makes him feel something. Namjoon's almost shy looking at it because it’s like he’s seeing into Yoongi through this drawing and he doesn’t understand how it’s even possible but he feels his heart break a little. He’s never seen Yoongi with that expression.

In the portrait, Yoongi looks broken and Namjoon has never even entertained the possibility of Yoongi being anything other than whole and strong, an unmovable object.

“You have a self portrait on your wall,” Namjoon says, and when Yoongi turns to look at the drawing, a little bit of the same expression stealing over his face in real time, Namjoon feels bad for bringing it up. If someone was looking at a drawing like this of him, he’d feel flayed open.

But Yoongi just shrugs and says, “Jungkook drew it.”

“Jungkook?”

“He’s in the societies, a good kid. Got accepted a year or two early into an art school in Korea but gave it up to come here and learn more about his magic. He did most of the drawings so when I found the portrait he drew of me, I put it up,” he says, looking up at the wall.

Something about Yoongi leaving a self portrait up on a wall of diagrams and charts and quotes ripped from books seems a little strange. It feels like pulling teeth to get Yoongi to share anything even remotely personal, so for him to have a self portrait up on the wall, especially one like this, seems a little out of character.

“You just left it up?” Namjoon asks.

“He’d be sad if I took it down.”

When Namjoon looks back to the wall, he tries to appreciate the hand drawn diagrams of plants and the moon and sketches of the ocean, but he can’t get his head away from the look on the face of the Yoongi in the portrait. He wants to ask about it and he thinks maybe he could. Yoongi has been answering more of his questions lately, after the watch, but none of those questions have been personal. The reason why Yoongi practically lives in a greenhouse can’t be as personal as the reason why Yoongi looks keeps a self portrait on the wall that he looks so sad in. 

But Namjoon wants to get to know Yoongi. He wants to know everything and maybe, maybe Yoongi will indulge him with an answer.

“When did he draw it? The portrait.”

Namjoon sees Yoongi’s walls go back up as he shoots Namjoon a smile with a crooked mouth.

“Well Namjoon-ah, if I told you, it would ruin the artistry, now wouldn't it?”

Namjoon starts learning a lot about magic.

He spends most of his free time with Yoongi, sometimes at the coffee shop but mostly at the apartment. One day Yoongi catches him watching as he gathers leaves from his plants so he says, "You know Namjoon-ah, you can always just ask."

And Namjoon knows that isn't strictly true, there are a lot of questions Yoongi won't answer. But when it comes to magic, Yoongi answers all of his questions gently but he doesn't dumb anything down and Namjoon appreciates that. Even though he may not have grown up using magic, he'd like to think, that with enough time and guidance from Yoongi, maybe he'll be able to understand it, at least a little.

"Why do you have so many drawings of the moon?"

So as Yoongi keeps trimming his plants, and writing notes in his journal, he explains that there are different sources of magic and not everyone draws power from the same place. Yoongi's magic is celestial, the moon being his greatest source of power. Some people draw magic from colors, like Jungkook's boyfriend Taehyung. The more colorful his surroundings, the stronger his magic.

"It's why he always has blue hair. That's his strongest color."

There's also magic from the elements. Jungkook and Taehyung's boyfriend Jimin is strongest by the water.

"All three of them are magic?" Namjoon asks, a little in awe at the prospect. "Do they make a cloud on your watch?"

Yoongi laughs and says "Yes. A really big cloud."

Namjoon also learns how to help with Yoongi's potions. He reads the recipes to Yoongi while he gathers ingredients and he stirs them sometimes while they boil in an honest to god cauldron that Yoongi has set up in his bedroom. Every once in a while he’s even allowed to trim the plants

"Is this what you do for the societies? Make potions?" Namjoon asks as he stirs because he's been wondering for a while now why, if there really are so many people on the earth with magic, Yoongi needed to travel halfway around the globe just to join some secret society.

But Yoongi doesn't every really talk about what the societies do. From what Namjoon understands from the scraps he's been given, the societies work jobs stopping the use of dark magic and making sure not too much magic is pulled from one source but he doesn't really understand what they do. When he asks, trying to dig just a little bit deeper, Yoongi just shuts him down with a smile and a "Namjoon-ah, they're called secret societies for a reason.”

One night, Namjoon loses track of time.

By the time he's planning to leave Yoongi's apartment, it's 3am and it's raining. He'd already quietly resigned himself to walking home when Yoongi says, "You should just spend the night here." And Namjoon definitely wasn't planning on that, and he knows that seeing Yoongi, fresh from sleep and impossibly soft in the morning would break the dam holding back his feelings. It's a line he hadn't let himself cross, even in his head.

But... he's done good so far, keeping his feelings at bay, what's one more night?

So he decides he'll stay, just this once.

He tells Yoongi this before even considering where he might sleep. The couch is a little small but maybe the floor wouldn't be so bad as long as he can borrow an extra blanket or two and he's already decided, the floor it is, when Yoongi blindsides him by saying, "We can share my bed."

He shouldn't. He knows he shouldn't but really, what would he say? Oh no, that's okay, I'd much rather sleep on the floor doesn't seem like it'd go over well. So he looks at Yoongi and he seems certain, like it's no big deal. And it shouldn't be a big deal. If it was anyone else it wouldn't be. But this is Yoongi, the same yoongi he's been falling for since practically the day they met and he wants this even if he shouldn't, so he decides to be brave and trust that the dam will hold through the night.

He's been in Yoongi's room plenty of times before. He's looked at all of the remedy and salve recipes taped on the walls. He's stirred the little cauldron Yoongi has set up in the corner. He's even sat on Yoongi's bed editing an essay while Yoongi sorted his dried leaves into little containers. All of those things had become normal to him in the past few months. But being in here now, well it's an entirely different feeling. He catches himself looking at Yoongi's bed. It's big for one person with enough pillows and blankets for four.

"Here, I got you some clothes," Yoongi says handing over a bundle of sweatpants and what looks like an extremely oversized teeshirt. "There's new toothbrush on the cabinet."

"Thanks," says Namjoon. He goes to the bathroom to change. The sweatpants are a little small but they’re soft and the teeshirt is so big it covers up half of the sweatpants anyway. The clothes smell like Yoongi, like fresh herbs and coffee and smoke and it's nice, Yoongi’s scent. 

Namjoon takes a deep breath, two, and goes to brush his teeth except... "Uh, Yoongi? Toothpaste?”

"Huh? Oh," Yoongi says, coming into the bathroom already changed into his own sweatpants and teeshirt. "It's in the jar."

The jar in question is full of little pills and has a label that reads Bite. Namjoon opens it, picking up what looks to be a vitamin tablet.

"This is toothpaste?" Namjoon asks, looking down at the little tablet.

"That is toothpaste," and at Namjoon's questioning look, Yoongi explains, "It's a toothpaste tablet. They come with no plastic packaging so it's more environmentally friendly than buying it in a tube."

It makes sense that Yoongi would have something like this. Namjoon's come to learn that Yoongi is somewhat of an eco-warrior, using alternatives to single use plastic and always looking at hand-me-downs before buying a brand new version of anything. Namjoon has also been privy to a couple of late night rants about the trash in the ocean and the lack of respect people have towards scientific proof when it comes to things like climate change.

"How does it work?" Namjoon asks.

Yoongi giggles, actually giggles, picking up his (bamboo) toothbrush and a tablet, "Just bite and brush Namjoon-ah. Don't overthink it too much." 

So Namjoon picks up his own toothbrush, bites down on the tablet, a brushes, gaining approval with a pat on the back from Yoongi. Once they've finished, Namjoon follows Yoongi back into the bedroom.

"Which side do you want? I normally sleep on the right but it doesn't matter to me," Yoongi says.

"I always sleep on the left."

"It's meant to be then," Yoongi says as he pulls back the covers.

Namjoon agrees but saying so might reveal just how much he believes it, so he pulls back the covers on the left and follows Yoongi to bed.

"Night, Joon-ah."

"Goodnight."

Namjoon ends up spending most of his nights in the left side of Yoongi's bed. He knows he should put an end to it, that eventually Yoongi will probably want him to start going to his own place, but it's nice, sleeping in the same bed as Yoongi, and it's nice not always waking up alone.

So he spends his nights with Yoongi and his mornings making tea and coffee and watering the plants. Yoongi is just as devastating in the mornings as Namjoon had anticipated with his sleep mussed hair and how soft he looks making breakfast before their morning classes. They walk to campus together and Namjoon likes having a routine that Yoongi is a fixture in.

One night, they've actually managed to go to bed early and get some extra sleep, when Namjoon wakes up to the sound of piano music. It's quiet and gentle, almost soft enough to lull him back to sleep but Yoongi's side of the bed is cold, so he pulls himself up, padding over to the door and finds him sitting at the piano. The balcony doors are open, the moon pouring in and Yoongi is drawing out a slow melody with a cigarette burning in an ashtray on top of the piano.

Namjoon didn't know that Yoongi smoked, just thought that the smoky tint to his scent came from the cauldron. He also realizes now that he's never heard Yoongi play before, wasn't even sure if he could or if the piano was just for show. Namjoon can tell that Yoongi's talented, his whole body moving with his hands and there isn't even any sheet music on the stand.

The song finishes and Yoongi drops his hands to his lap. Without even turning around he says, "I'm sorry I woke you."

"It's okay, really," Namjoon says, and it is. "I didn't know you could play."

"I don't really anymore," Yoongi says, running a hand over the keys. "I only play when I can't sleep."

Namjoon moves over to the bench, sitting beside Yoongi. 

"You can't sleep?"

"Yeah," Yoongi nods, "Nightmares."

Yoongi pushes his hair back and takes a drag of his cigarette but must catch Namjoon watching him.

"I don't smoke that much, just on bad nights."

"It's alright," Namjoon says, "I don't mind... but it's bad for you hyung."

"I know," says Yoongi and Namjoon's surprised when he stubs out his cigarette and goes back to running his hand across the keys. 

Normally they're good about being able to sit in silence with each other, not always needing to fill the empty spaces, but tonight the silence is heavy. It's heavy and uncomfortable and even though they share a bed now, Namjoon still isn't sure what he's allowed, which topics are off limits.

But he has to try, so he asks, "Do you want to talk about it?" fully expecting Yoongi to say no, that they should just go back to bed.

He's surprised when Yoongi takes a deep breath and says, "A lot of magic users have really vivid dreams, something to do with our connection to a stronger force. Like Jungkook. Sometimes he has dreams that are kind of like impressions or glimpses of the future, harmless dreams really. But Jimin dreams of the sea a lot, of drowning in it and he wakes up gasping. It just kind of depends on the person what the dreams are like. They're not always connected to the same element your magic is."

Namjoon watches as Yoongi pauses here, weighing how much he wants to say, how much he wants to reveal about himself. He must decide that this is okay to share because he takes another deep breath and his fingers stop on the keys of the piano and when he talks, the words rush out like he's still not sure he wants Namjoon to hear it all.

"I dream of the past, but it's twisted. I used to have dreams of the moon, and it's still there in all of my dreams but it's not the focus anymore. Now, I'm seeing things that I've already lived through, and the past would be bad enough, but my dreams sort of pile all of the bad things on top of each other and add extra. So when I wake up, I play the piano and I smoke and I try again tomorrow."

When Namjoon looks at Yoongi, it's the first time he's ever looked small and he knows that Yoongi has always been a man of few words so he grabs Yoongi's hand, lacing their fingers together and when Namjoon presses a kiss to the back of it, Yoongi sighs and closes his eyes, and Namjoon knows he understands what would have been impossible to say with words. 

So he rests their hands in his lap, content to sit with Yoongi in the moonlight.

One morning, Namjoon wakes up and he feels heavy. He can hear Yoongi in the kitchen humming along to some old, jazzy song he has playing. He must have slept past the alarm. He'd been waiting for a day like this to come.

He'd been desperately trying to keep up a facade around Yoongi, a facade that hid his therapy appointments and the days he wakes up with the world pressing down on him and the anti-depressants he has tucked into his backpack. He'd kept himself upright so far, only a few little stumbles here and there. His therapy sessions are on Thursdays and Yoongi thinks he disappears to a study group. He doesn't really know why it feel so important to keep this soft side of him so hidden, but it does, so he drags himself out of bed faster on bad days than he would if he was in his own bed and he goes to a study group every Thursday afternoon.

He's on his way to sitting up when Yoongi comes in with a plate full of breakfast on a tray. He pauses in the doorway and whatever he sees in Namjoon sets him in motion, walking over to the side of the bed.

"Breakfast," he says, setting the tray down on the bedside table and then his hands are on Namjoon's face, gentle and warm. "Do you want to sit up?" And he does so he nods and then Yoongi's hands are sliding under his back, pulling him up to rest against the headboard.

Yoongi sits across from him and moves the tray so they can both reach and Namjoon sees that he's made American style pancakes, the ones that Namjoon had once made a late night confession to loving.

"I only made half the batch so if you're not hungry, not a lot will go to waste, so don't feel bad," yoongi says, stuffing a bite into his mouth. Namjoon's not hungry but he knows, objectively, that eating and drinking water always helps on days like this even if he doesn't feel up to the task. 

So he eats Yoongi's pancakes and drinks the glass of water Yoongi presses into his hand and when he's done, Yoongi doesn't say anything, just takes the tray back to the kitchen and returns with another glass of water. Namjoon takes the second glass and watches Yoongi leave the room again. This time, he returns with his laptop and his journal. He sits back on his side of the bed, grabs Namjoon's hand on top of the covers and starts reading some article that's probably for one of his classes, taking notes with his rights hand.

"How did you know?" Namjoon whispers looking down at their hands.

"You left your pills in the bathroom a couple of weeks ago," Yoongi says and it's true, but Namjoon had thought it through afterwards and decided that there was no reason to panic and Yoongi probably hadn't even noticed. He'd been last to bed and first to wake up, so the only way Yoongi would have seen them is if he got up in the middle of the night, which Namjoon was pretty sure he hadn't. He realizes now that he was wrong.

He's deciding if he should explain or apologize or both when Yoongi says, "You know, you don't have to tell me anything. Everyone has secrets they keep close to their chest. But," he squeezes Namjoon's hand, "you don't have to handle it all alone. So if you ever want to talk about it..."

Namjoon feels almost overwhelmed with the offer and how much wants to talk to Yoongi. He wants to tell Yoongi everything, but not today. Not when he feels so raw inside and Yoongi was right. Even though this secret is out in the open, he still has one he's holding close.

So he settles for giving Yoongi a gentle thank you, which Yoongi answers back with another squeeze, before he lays down, still holding Yoongi's hand, and lets himself back to sleep.

"I was never expecting something like you," Yoongi says one night as they're on the balcony. It's late and the moon is the only light but Namjoon can hear the piano playlist Yoongi has still playing in the apartment.

"Something like me?" he asks looking over at Yoongi. They're both leaning on the railing and even though it's dark, Namjoon can see the way Yoongi looks down and smiles.

"Yeah, something like you."

He doesn't elaborate until late that night when they've moved inside and Namjoon had made tea for himself and coffee for Yoongi which has become a tradition of theirs during these late night 'study sessions' that always just turn into Yoongi giving Namjoon a magical history lesson. But this time, Yoongi doesn't seem like he wants to talk about the different origins of all of the different types of rituals or which witch he got his favorite healing salve recipe from. No, this time It seems like it might be time to have the conversation Namjoon hasn't been willing to push incase he's been imagining all of the little smiles Yoongi gives him or the ways that Yoongi has been subtlety opening up his life to make space for Namjoon.

Because those are all things that happen between friends and oh how Namjoon wishes he was brave enough to tell Yoongi that maybe friendship isn't all they could have.

"Do you ever think that maybe we were meant to find each other?" Yoongi asks and even though they've moved inside, he still looks out to the moon. "Like, we're both Korean, in a foreign place at the same university."

"Is that what you meant earlier?" Namjoon asks because his brain has been short circuiting over the possible meanings of something like you.

“No," Yoongi says. And for a second, Namjoon's worried that that will be the end. That maybe he'd crossed some invisible line drawn in Yoongi's sand, but he takes a deep breath and he rubs his fingers across the face of his watch, a habit Namjoon has caught him in several times whenever Yoongi seems to be struggling with what to do or say.

"I meant.... I meant someone who I think I'd like to have here, with me, for as long as they'd stay. “

Namjoon doesn't know what to say because he's known for a while now that he wants to stay, and he will, for as long as Yoongi will let him. But, maybe that'd be too much to reveal, here, under the moonlight, with Yoongi in arms reach when he knows that his feelings have never been truly platonic.

However, he still doesn't know what Yoongi means, what shape this conversation is taking, so he stays quiet and eventually...

"I think you should move in, like, actually move in."

Oh.

And while Namjoon feels his heart simultaneously break and swell in size, Yoongi panics from Namjoon's lack of reaction.

"I mean, only if you want to," he says. "You don't have to."

"No! No, I'd love to. I basically live here already. It's just-"

"Just what?"

Here, Namjoon knows he's fucked up. He's said too much.

"Just what, Namjoon-ah?"

Really, this could go two ways. Either he brushes it off and makes some bullshit excuse or he does the brave thing, the thing he's been itching to do for months.

Namjoon decided to be brave.

"I guess I was kind of hoping you were going to tell me that you wanted me. Or that you and me could be an us and I haven't said anything but I've been thinking about this for a long time now how much I like you and I just thought that maybe you felt something too besides just wanting me to move in," he rambles with a breath once he's finished.

And yoongi's not saying anything and shit. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything. Why would he ever think Yoongi would feel the same way about him and-

"What the hell did you think I meant by wanting to have you stay here with me Namjoon-ah." Namjoon's face must be blank because Yoongi chokes out a laugh and says, "I guess I just didn't know how to say it but with a brain like yours, you'd think you'd be able to put the pieces together."

"You've been a puzzle I can't solve since the beginning."

Yoongi looks amused when he says, "Well let me help you connect the dots then.” And then his hands are on Namjoon's face, his thumbs running over his cheek bones and he's still smiling as he leans in. It's in this moment that Namjoon realizes that this is a feeling he's been imagining for a while now, and the real thing...

Well it's better than any figment of his imagination, so his hands find Yoongi's hips and he kisses him back.

They end up on the bed and they’re still kissing.

Namjoon’s lips feel swollen and he's sure Yoongi's do too. And it feels a little hungry, like this has been a long time coming and maybe it has. Yoongi’s fingers are flexing at Namjoon’s hips where his shirt has ridden up, nails digging in. Namjoon’s hands wonder on their own up to Yoongi’s hair before trailing down Yoongi’s back, still on top of his sweater.

And if the sweater gets bunched in his hands when he feels the first press of Yoongi’s tongue against his own, who could really blame him? Pulling back to breathe, Namjoon finds Yoongi’s eyes and he sees… well he’s not expecting the fear he finds. He must of got caught up in his head, didn’t make sure Yoongi wanted this. Even though things have been relatively chaste, he still feels the guilt set in.

“Hyung, are you-“

“I don’t want this.”

Namjoon must not wipe the expression of shock off of his face fast enough because Yoongi seems to shrink. It would be one thing to see Yoongi make himself look smaller, but Namjoon can feel it with Yoongi’s sweater still bunched in his hands, and it hurts.

Yoongi has never looked this small, has never looked so much like the charcoal portrait.

“I don’t understand,” Namjoon says. He lets go to Yoongi though and scoots back on the bed, his back hitting the wall. “I thought…. You kissed me. I thought-“

“I know what you thought and I… it was good, the kissing but I don’t want to have sex.”

“You don’t want to have sex with me?” Namjoon asks but honestly, he had never even considered the possibility. Hadn’t even considered the possibility of kissing until it had happened.

“Not with anyone.” Namjoon watches as Yoongi seems to get smaller, an ashamed hunch falling to his shoulders.

“Oh.”

Oh.

And Namjoon gets it then, the way his actions could have come across. After all, the first step in taking a sweater off is to grab the edges and they are in a bedroom. Namjoon starts to apologize but before he can, Yoongi is off, his voice small and shaky.

“I’m not going to change my mind. It’s not like that. I didn’t choose to not like sex and I’m not broken. I’m not broken so you’re not going to be the one to fix me because I don’t need to be fixed Namjoon. It took me so long to be okay with this and I need you to understand. I need you to understand that-“

“Hyung it’s okay.”

“-this has been a problem before and I… wait, what?” Yoongi looks like he had more to say, more defensive measures to take, but Namjoon understands and he needs Yoongi to know that.

“You’re asexual, and it’s okay.”

Namjoon had stumbled across articles online explaining different identities, including asexuality, when he first started to realize that he didn’t want to kiss that pretty girl every boy his age was trying to impress, but maybe kissing his best friend wouldn’t have been so bad. He had wondered as he got older if maybe he was asexual himself, but decided that ultimately, he wouldn’t mind having sex at some point, but it definitely wasn’t a deciding factor.

“It’s okay, hyung. It’s okay.”

And Yoongi crumbles.

His head hits Namjoon on the chest and his shoulders shake, sobs ripping through him. Namjoon realizes then that this has been something Yoongi has been carrying for a very long time. So he does what he can to soothe, wrapping his arms around Yoongi’s back, less like a hug and more like a brace, with his chin resting on Yoongi’s head.

They’ll need to talk more about this later, tomorrow, hopefully before Yoongi decides to ignore the issue, but for now, Yoongi is crying. Yoongi is crying so Namjoon lays them down tucking Yoongi’s head into in neck and runs a hand so, so gentle down his back. He pulls one of the blankets over them and pulls a pillow up behind Yoongi, having learned that Yoongi likes to be surrounded by them when he sleeps.

And he lets Yoongi cry.

Eventually, the sobs stop and Yoongi stills, his body leaning heavy into Namjoon’s.

“Sleep now hyung. Just sleep,” Namjoon whispers, one hand still rubbing at Yoongi’s back, his other resting between them, clasped with Yoongi’s.

And finally, Namjoon feels Yoongi go still, so he presses a kiss to Yoongi’s head, content to hold until sleep pulls him through the night with the moon shining in through the window.

They don’t talk about it in the morning. Namjoon tries, he really does, but…

Well, it starts with Yoongi at the piano. The bed is cold when Namjoon wakes up and as he pads through the apartment, there’s signs everywhere of a sleepless night for Yoongi.

Yoongi’s little cauldron is bubbling and the whole place smells like mint. In the kitchen, the coffee pot it already almost empty (what Namjoon doesn’t know is that it’s the second pot of the day).

Yoongi is at the piano. His head is bowed and his eyes are closed but his fingers are moving. He’s drawing out a haunting melody, something sad and a little mournful and Namjoon just listens. He leans against the door frame and can feel like breeze coming in from the balcony and it’s like everything is controlled by Yoongi in this moment.

Namjoon gets lost in the music, in the emotion Yoongi’s pouring into it. He watches Yoongi’s back the whole time, the muscles rigid, such a contrast to the loose movement of his wrists and Namjoon feels himself leaning in. He closes his eyes and lets the music roll over him and it makes him a little sad, but it feels healing. And just as the crescendo comes, it all stops. Yoongi’s hands fall to his sides, his head hitting the music stand.

“Hyung.”

Yoongi jumps, his knee hitting the underside of the piano and his head whipping around to find Namjoon still in the doorway. “Fuck Namjoon-ah.”

“That was beautiful,” Namjoon says, drifting closer to Yoongi.

“It was depressing.” And then he’s up, pushing past Namjoon on the way to the bedroom, probably to check his remedy. Namjoon follows, fully intending to talk about the revelations presented last night. He even tries to start the conversation with a gentle we need to talk about last night when he’s cut off.

“No, Namjoon-ah. We don’t.”

“But hyung,” namjoon says, moving over to sit on the bed. “We have to talk about it at some point. We can’t just-“

“I’m not doing this Namjoon.” Yoongi’s stirring his remedy so hard Namjoon’s afraid the cauldron might break.

“If… if you think it’s a big deal, your asexuality, it’s not. I promise it’s not.”

“Yes it is!” And when Yoongi turns around, there are tears in his eyes. “It’s the biggest deal! I shouldn’t have even kissed you, let alone kept kissing you to the point that I… I wasn’t going to tell you, that I’m asexual. I haven’t told anyone.” His voice is quiet at the end and that ashamed hunch is back.

“I’m happy you told me. Yoongi, if we’re going to be something, something more, then we need to do this, have this conversation.”

“But we’re not anything Namjoon! We’re not anything. We’ve never been anything and we’ll never be anything.”

“But… but last night, you kissed me. And all of that stuff you said and hyung, you asked me to move in. You can’t seriously expect me to believe you mean that.”

“Last night was a-“

“Don’t. You know it wasn’t. You put the pieces together last night. That wasn’t a mistake. And I don’t even care about sex! I don’t care about sex, it’s not important to me Yoongi.”

“This isn’t about sex. It’s about you. You just show up and change everything and you care. That’s the worst part is that you actually care and I don’t even want a relationship.”

“Yoongi, we don’t have to have a relationship, we can just-“

“I don’t want you here right now Namjoon!”

Namjoon feels his head spin with whiplash and he's a little bit desperate when he says, “Hyung, but you said you wanted me here. That you wanted me to stay. I want to stay," he finishes through a crack in his voice. "I want to stay."

And from the look in Yoongi's eyes, he knows he's not wanted here, not when the sun is in the sky and the moon isn't here to protect their secrets. So he leaves because he wouldn't be able to stand Yoongi telling him to, not after feeling so close last night to having something that Namjoon could almost feel it. But he's learning now that words whispered in the dark mean nothing in the light and when the door closes behind him, he can feel it like a gunshot.

Knock, knock, knock.

Namjoon doesn’t quite know why he’s here. It’s been two weeks since his fallout with Yoongi, or maybe it would be more accurate to say Yoongi’s fallout with him.

But yesterday a Jungkook, the same Jungkook with the drawings, showed up at Namjoon’s door with a healing potion. It helps with depression he had said and he must have known one wouldn’t be enough because he had a whole bag full of vials.

I haven't seen him in two weeks. I’m sorry I tracked you down but I'm worried about him. He shouldn't be alone.

So Namjoon had swallowed his pride, shouldering the bag Jungkook left with him, and walked to Yoongi's apartment. He's about to knock again or maybe just give up when the door swings open and there's Yoongi. He looks...

Well, he looks like he's been hit by a bus. Namjoon can tell he's a little shocked to see him so before he gets the door slammed in his face he says, "Jungkook came by and gave me this,” he presses a vial into Yoongi's hand, ”And he said you should drink two."

Yoongi takes a second vial from Namjoon and then opens the door a little wider. Namjoon walks in to find that the plants have wilted and the balcony doors are closed. Namjoon turns to find Yoongi swallowing down the first vial before uncorking and doing the same with the second.

Yoongi is the first one to speak with a quiet, "I didn't think you'd come back."

"I didn't either."

And now, getting a good look at Yoongi, there are noticeable differences from even just a couple of weeks ago. His sweater is baggy, hanging off his collar bones even more than usual and his face is shallow, dark circles bruised under his eyes. His hair is shaggy and choppy like maybe he took a pair of scissors to it himself.

Namjoon knows he doesn't look much better himself.

"Hyung," he starts knowing he's about to wade into dangerous territory. "We need to talk."

"Yeah," Yoongi says, sitting down on the couch. "Yeah we do."

Yoongi tells his story in pieces over the next several months. The first pieces come that same night, after Yoongi had watered his plants and Namjoon had thrown open the balcony doors.

I've never had a relationship before, he'd said, and he'd never really wanted one. Yoongi had always been kind of alone until he joined the societies when he finally felt like he was a part of a whole instead of just an extra piece. He was needed and it felt good, to be needed. But some extra attention came with it, unwanted attention.

There was a boy, the leader of the societies before Yoongi, and he was fascinated by Yoongi and his magic. Their relationship was never romantic. It was purely physical with kissing and some touching to blow off a little steam here and there until the boy got restless. Yoongi had never initiated more so the boy didn't either but one day, he was feeling a little worked up. A society job had just failed miserably and it was all landing on his shoulders and he was graduating soon, so he went to Yoongi for some stress release. Kissing turned to touching which turned to more and Yoongi had a panic attack when the boy tried to pull off his shirt, tried to push his hand into Yoongi's pants.

Namjoon understands then, that the night they were kissing and his hands bunched in Yoongi's sweater, Yoongi was taken back to the night where his hesitance was mistranslated. The boy was angry, yelling at Yoongi for leading him on and Yoongi tried to explain but the boy argued with him and put his hands on Yoongi insisting that if he tried it, just this once, he'd like it.

He tried to pin Yoongi down but what the boy didn't know was that Yoongi grew up fighting. He was good at it and he knew how to fight back. So he did, and he got away.

Yoongi never saw the boy again and it was fine really but he felt a little broken. It was the first time since he had moved that he'd had to try to explain his sexuality to someone who didn't understand and until that day he had almost forgotten that he was different than everyone else.

So when Yoongi told Namjoon that he was asexual and Namjoon understood, it was staggering. He had been prepared for the argument that Namjoon never started.

"That's what the nightmares are most of the time. Sometimes he doesn't stop and I can't get away and it's so vivid, when I wake up I can feel his hands on my skin."

Namjoon looks at Yoongi to find his gaze fixed on the wall with the drawings. "The portrait on the wall," Yoongi says. "You asked when it was drawn. Jungkook's the first one that found me after it had happened. There were some rumors going around and I had disappeared for a while so he came looking for me. He slept on the couch for a week, wanted to make sure I wasn't alone. He drew it while he was staying here. He wasn't going to show it to me but I found it in one of his sketch books a few months later, so I asked for it. I wanted it as a reminder that not all bad things have to break you. Sometimes it just takes time to heal…. And when I said I didn't want you, that we'd never be anything," Yoongi says, running his thumb across Namjoon's knuckles, "it was just a defense. I still didn't believe you, that the no sex thing really didn't matter to you. I want you here Namjoon-ah."

So with his heart in a vice, Namjoon leans over to kiss Yoongi's cheek and says, "I'll be here. Always."

The next pieces Namjoon gets is Yoongi's magic. Namjoon can tell it's hard for Yoongi to talk about something that's such an integral part of him, but he explains that he's the only magic one is him family. He didn't know how to use it and his parents never understood and he was alone in his magic for a long time. 

His watch was a gift from an old friend called Seokjin that he had meet just before coming to America. He was the person who had taught Yoongi how to make the remedies and read the language of the moon. He had thought that Yoongi would like being able to look at the watch and see that he wasn't alone in his magic. Yoongi had worn the watch everyday since then, and when he felt a little too lonely, he could just look and see that there was magic all around him, encasing him in light.

There are stories Yoongi stumbles over like his family and his depression and why he insists on keeping his walls up so high. But he's trying, he is.

So Namjoon tries too.

For every piece he gets of Yoongi, he gives on of his own.

He starts with his loneliness, thinking that maybe, of all of his broken pieces, it's one that Yoongi will understand. He talks about growing up with only one real friend, Hoseok, and how when he realized he'd much rather kiss Hoseok than the girl always trying to get him to go out on dates, he never told anyone, still hasn't told anyone.

He talks about his own depression and the therapist he goes to thinking that maybe it would be good Yoongi see that it's okay to need a little extra help. Quietly, Yoongi starts making his own remedies like the ones Jungkook had given them and makes sure to keep a full shelf of them in the cabinet.

Somewhere in the middle, Namjoon moves in. He only has one box of stuff, the rest of it already having migrated to Yoongi's. Yoongi insists on carrying the box all the way from Namjoon's little place, up the stairs, and into the apartment. And then he insists on unpacking it all so Namjoon doesn't have to. Namjoon lets him without argument because he can see that this is Yoongi's way of letting him know that he wants Namjoon here. That he's sure this time.

They still share the bed but now they meet in the middle. Normally, Yoongi tucks himself into Namjoon and they sleep curled into each other protected by the ridiculous amount of pillows Yoongi still insists is still necessary.

Yoongi still has the nightmares but now, Namjoon gets up with him and makes coffee and sits on the couch while Yoongi sits at the piano. He doesn't smoke every time anymore, only on really bad nights. He decided to try and quit after Namjoon asked him to please be an eco-warrior for your body too and not just the Earth.

Namjoon still has his bad days and when they come, Yoongi knows that Namjoon likes them to be occupying the same space without much commitment to conversations. So Yoongi will sit next to him on the bed writing essays and reading articles with a leg against resting against Namjoon or their hands laced together on his chest.

As they learn each others minds, they also map each others bodies and Namjoon loves discovering the things Yoongi loves. Yoongi's told him he likes kissing anywhere above the waist and that tongue is good. He likes being touched as long as it's not anywhere too intimate and he likes the warmth of skin on skin when the cuddle but if shirts come off, Namjoon is always careful to make sure Yoongi has the final say in taking off his own.

Yoongi isn't sure what else he likes but he's okay with experiments. He feels safe to explore things he's curious about because he knows that if it comes down to it, Namjoon will stop if he asks and, if something turns about to be a no, Namjoon will respect that. They discover Yoongi likes like a little hair pulling in their more heated moments and some light grinding as long as he gets to control the pace.

Yoongi also finds that he really, really likes hickeys. He’d asked for one once while they were making out and he wasn't sure how he felt about it. In the morning while they were brushing their teeth, Namjoon caught Yoongi looking at it in the mirror.

"You know hyung, if you ever want another one all you have to do is ask. But also if you ever want to give one, I like hickeys too," Namjoon said popping a toothpaste tablet into his mouth while Yoongi ducked his head and blushed.

(And now, if it's a personal goal of Yoongi's to make sure Namjoon has at least one unfaded hickey, could he really be blamed?)

Yoongi still feels guilty about pushing Namjoon away and the things he said, but he's apologized a lot and Namjoon doesn't know how to make Yoongi believe that he doesn't need any more apologies. So when Yoongi feels like he needs to apologize, Namjoon just listens and he thanks Yoongi for the apology with a gentle reminder of you don't have to apologize and a kiss on the cheek and he stays.

He stays.

It's been several years now since their ‘relationship hiccup,’ as Yoongi's taken to calling it, but not much has changed.

Yoongi's on the balcony.

Namjoon’s tea desperately tries to warm the air Yoongi’s coffee chills, but the apartment is cold anyway, being as it’s the middle of winter and their heating unit gave out about a week into the autumn season. It’s not helpful Yoongi opens up the balcony in order to let the moon in. And it would be enough, opening the door and pulling the curtains, but Yoongi insists on standing on the balcony, even if it’s December and snow should begin falling soon. So on nights like this, with a little too much sadness in the air even for them, Namjoon would never let him stand out there on his own.

Click, click, click.

Yoongi’s hands are still shaking and he’s having a hard time lighting his cigarette. He's been having nightmares again and normally, he plays the piano but he had gotten frustrated tonight when his fingers shook on the keys so Namjoon knows it'll be a long night.

Click, click, click.

“Hyung. Hyung let me.”

Yoongi's still trying to quit the smoking, but now Namjoon keeps little peppermints in his pockets to trade for the cigarettes so he can get rid of them, and it's been working so far, but some nights Yoongi deserves a pass. Namjoon moves to take the lighter but Yoongi drops it over the balcony. The cigarette follows and Yoongi closes his eyes, his fingers flexing on the railing.

"Yoongi?"

"I don't want to smoke."

With a relieved breath, Namjoon says, "Okay hyung," as he presses a peppermint to Yoongi's palm.

Yoongi sucks on the peppermint, his head tilted to the moon, and runs his fingertips across Namjoon's palm before lacing their fingers together.

"You know Namjoon-ah, I can see it sometimes. The paths we've carved to get here. They're in the face of the moon."Namjoon looks up and he's never been able to see in the moon what Yoongi can so he takes Yoongi's word for it.

Eventually, Namjoon hands Yoongi his coffee and he gets thanked with a kiss. When the cups are empty and Yoongi's hands have stopped shaking, he takes Yoongi to bed wrapping around him like a blanket knowing Yoongi likes the pressure and presses gentles kisses to Yoongi's head.

"I'm so happy you came back to me even though I pushed you away," Yoongi whispers into Namjoon's chest.

"I'm happy too Yoon, but you know I'd never be anywhere else," he says and kisses Yoongi's forehead before guiding his head to his neck with a, "Now sleep hyung."

Yoongi nuzzles into Namjoon's neck, pressing a gentle kiss there and this, with Yoongi in his arms and the Moonlight shining through the window, is exactly where Namjoon is supposed to be.

So he stays.