Chapter Text
Wendy tries to remember when and where things really went wrong. Tries to search her brain on what caused all of this. But all she could remember was that December morning. That morning after a night filled with broken bones and tear-filled faces.
It wasn’t really her intention. Not really. But having fallen from such height, high on painkillers and having experienced that thing where every single memory of your life flash through your eyes in a slideshow? She couldn’t help but say it.
“I like you,” she tells the older woman the next morning. The room now devoid of their three other members and managers. Her parents not having landed yet from a plane ride coming from the other side of the world.
“Seungwan, I-” Joohyun tries to talk. The confession taking her by surprise.
“No. I know. It’s not mutual,” the blonde stops her. A chuckle leaving her lips as she continues, “I just felt like saying it. I think I’m high on the meds. And well, I almost had a near-death experience so I think I had to say it.”
Joohyun just nods at her. Lips pursed into a thin line, a frown evident on her face.
Their manager knocks on the door before opening it, his eyes were on the two. Not failing to sense the weird atmosphere in the air. “Time to go, Irene,” he says. A reminder of her responsibilities as Red Velvet’s Irene and the things she has to do right now. Even though all she wanted – same with the other three girls outside – was to simply stay by the blonde’s side.
The raven haired simply nods at the man and slowly makes her way to the door.
“Don’t overthink it. Please,” Wendy says in a voice so small. “We’re still the same Irene and Wendy. Ever since pre-debut. I’ll make sure of that.”
“Okay,” Joohyun answers. Not really finding the words to say. The past few days have been too much.
So she closes the door behind her. And the last thing she sees through the gaps was a Son Seungwan staring mindlessly through the window. The stars were covered by dark grey clouds that night.
-
“Oh wow, she looks so good in that dress,” Sooyoung comments. The tall woman now sitting by the couch at the side of the hospital room. The television flashing Irene on screen as she and her co-hosts introduces the next acts.
“Please, Irene unnie looks good in anything,” Yeri scoffs.
“True,” Joy says with a hum. The others agreeing with her words.
The three now having switched into comfortable clothes as they watch the year-end show. Immediately rushing to the hospital once they were done with their group performance.
As everyone’s attention was focused on the screen, Wendy couldn’t help but overthink. Something she has seemed to develop even more than before due to her being confined to a hospital bed.
“Hey guys,” the blonde calls the others’ attention. “I’m sorry we have to spend the last week of 2019 here. If I-”
“Stop. Unnie, it wasn’t your fault. Okay?” Joy abruptly interrupts her. Voice rising an octave. “None of this was your fault. Don’t blame yourself. Even it were on a deserted island, we’d still prefer spending it together with each other rather than on our own. Okay?”
“Joy’s right. Besides, we’ve been spending Christmas and New Year in those broadcast stations. This is a nice change of pace,” Seulgi says. But is quick to add, “Although I prefer this is the last time we spend it in a hospital.”
“Agreed,” Yeri says. “Now hush, Joohyun unnie’s collab stage is about to start.”
Warmth fills Wendy chest as she finds four more sisters in the form of her members.
Irene immediately joins them soon after the show ended.
-
It’s been months. Not that Seungwan has been counting, but she has and she just wants to pretend that she’s not. Because it’s just been that long. Everyone’s been telling her to focus on her therapy and getting better. Thank god she’s out of the hospital, that’s one thing she’s grateful for, of course. But that also means lesser time to spend with her members as the four’s schedule have been filled already with individual and group schedules. The pandemic not even doing a dent on their packed schedules.
Except hers, of course. So she spends the days going from therapy, scrolling through Lysn and other sns, to spending time in the practice room belting out note after note until her throat hurts. Because it’s the only thing she can do for now.
She texts the members. Scratch that, she texts only the three of the members. Not that she’s doing it on purpose but she can’t really find the face in her again to send a message to Joohyun. Wendy did actually. After Seulgi told her that they were filming for the duo’s music video, she did send a ‘good luck’ to Joohyun. Two words and all she got was a ‘thank you’ in reply. Not that she was expecting a different reply anyway. But as she eyes the timestamp of that last conversation of theirs – something from two months ago – she simply just wants the ground to swallow her whole.
Wendy saw the IG story Irene posted on her birthday though. But her mind tells her it’s something she had to do. It’d probably be weird if one member didn’t send her a greeting.
Being allowed to stay with her parents was a blessing she considers. That just means lesser chances of coming face to face with the older woman. Ever since that morning, the days, weeks and months that followed were – to simply put – awkward between the two of them. Wendy isn’t sure if the members noticed this and just simply tried to brush it off like before.
It wasn’t her that was avoiding the woman, they do talk, and really they do. But the words exchanged between them was just downright weird. Irene seemingly cutting off their conversation short every time. So Wendy just gives up altogether.
It was her fault anyway.
-
“So how’s everything?” Wendy asks Seulgi. The monolid, after finding out she was at one of the vocal room, invited her to the company’s cafeteria for a quick bite.
“Terrible. The delay has the fans complaining and thing’s aren’t really peachy with the way production’s going,” Seulgi tells her upfront. Wendy nods at her in understanding. Things aren’t really perfect every time it’s a girl group that the company readies for a comeback or a debut. She mentally scoffs at their debut date as she’s reminded of it. How the four of them were immediately thrown off the loop as their debut got scheduled earlier than what it was supposed to be and the crazy amount of theories to them debuting at such time.
“You’ll do great though. You and unnie. You guys are just a great pair for this,” says the blonde before sipping on her tea. There’s no bile in her tone. Just pure admiration for the two. From the way they held on through endless days of uncertainty to finally debuting as a duo. Even before debut, the two we’re just a perfect match
“Speaking of, what’s going on with you and Joohyun unnie?” Seulgi finally asks her. Eyes boring through her trying to understand what’s going on. Whoever said Seulgi doesn’t catch on was just plain wrong.
Wendy raises a brow at her, feigning ignorance. “What do you mean?”
“I may have terrible eyesight but I can still see between the two of you, Seungwan-ah,” the monolid sighs, slouching onto the chair as she eyes the fluorescent light above them. “It’s like 2018 again between you two.”
Biting her lips, Wendy just starts playing with the rim of her teacup. A few beats of silence surrounds them. The faint noise of the cars outside the building walls seemed to fade away.
“I told unnie I like her,” Wendy confesses in a small voice.
Seulgi immediately sits upright and stares at her wide-eyed at the revelation. “What?”
It was now Wendy’s turn to sigh as she explains. “It just happened. I don’t even know why I told her. I mean I’ve managed not to for years so I don’t even know what came over me.”
“You finally confessed to her? Was this after the accident?”
“She been trying to avoid me since… I think. I don’t know, I’m not even sure anymore.”
“Maybe she’s just trying to process things, Wan. Just… give her some time, I guess?” the shorter girl simply nods as the monolid changes the topic soon after.
A few days later, Wendy uploads her cover of Falling after numerous do-overs. Mind thinking of Joohyun, Joohyun, Joohyun.
-
She gets a text from Sooyoung a few weeks later. One that got Wendy wondering as she sits in front of one of the upright pianos in the company.
From Sweet Joy:
You know I’ve always thought Psycho was a song written about you and Irene unnie.
To Sweet Joy:
Okay, what’s with the analogy?
As she sees the ‘seen’ tick next to her reply, her phone indicates an incoming call from the younger woman.
“I don’t know why but I was listening to the song and thought about you and unnie,” Joy tells her as soon as she placed the receiver by her ear.
Wendy scoffs. “You know what the song’s about, Sooyoung-ah. It’s not-”
“You guys make and break each other,” sometimes Wendy hates the younger woman’s bluntness.
“Elaborate,” Wendy says. Fingers drumming lightly on the black keys, not pressing hard to produce a sound.
Now it was Joy’s turn to scoff. “Remember that huge fight you two had? You seriously were at each other’s throats but still look for each other’s company and took care of each other in subtle ways. And I’m sure Seulgi unnie talked to you about this weird thing going on between you two right now.”
Wendy sighs. Something she seems to be doing a lot as of late. “The two of us are fine-”
“Like hell you are. You barely acknowledge each other’s existence on the group chat,” again, Joy interrupts her. “Both of you weren’t like this back then.”
“We just don’t see each other often, okay. It’s probably that,” Wendy reasons.
“Bullshit. Did you know unnie’s started texting with this guy? You know the one our hairstylist was gushing so hard about?” the person on the other line informs her. And it’s weird because Wendy should’ve expected this. She’s always prepared herself for this day because she knows it’ll never be her. That Joohyun will never like her back.
All of a sudden she remembers the pain she went through as she laid on the damn floor for before they found her there. And here she thought that was painful.
“Unnie? Are you still there?” the younger tries to call her attention.
“What? Oh uh, I’m here,” she replies. “She… she didn’t tell me.”
“Whatever’s going on between the two of you, you should fix it. You guys are breaking each other,” Joy says, voice solemn and laced with concern. “I’m sorry if I dropped this out of the blue on you. Just… I don’t know… I just want to see both of you happy.”
“Okay... Yeah. I’ll uh… I’ll try to do something. Look, Sooyoung-ah, I still have something to do. So I’ll just call or text you later, okay?” If Joy notices the frustration in her tone, she hopes that the younger would just let it slide this time.
She hears Joy sigh from the other end of the line. “Alright, unnie. I miss you. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Me too. Bye,” Wendy says. Not even bothering to wait for an answer as she abruptly ends the call.
Her phone drops onto her lap and she sees her hands shaking. She doesn’t understand why either.
But she closes her eyes and tries to remember what her therapist told her.
“Count from one to ten, take deep breaths and you’ll be okay.”
She’ll be okay.
-
“Why’d you tell her that,” Irene says, tone dropping ice cold as she sends a glare at the younger from the kitchen door. She has overheard Joy’s conversation with whom she guesses was Seungwan.
“Tell who what?” Joy asks her, brow raised as if provoking her.
“That was Seungwan, wasn’t it?” Irene now steps into the kitchen, in a stance that Joy knew as something not to be challenged with. But she’s had enough with this pretense shit that’s been going on. Something she’s seen with both of her eyes for years.
“What if it was Seungwan unnie? I just told her what you told us. Something you seem not to bother telling her for weeks already it seems,” Joy says. If there’s anyone in the group that had the guts to face hellrene head on, it was her.
“You have no right-”
“You’re right, I don’t. So?” now standing up, Joy’s height causes her to tower over the shorter girl. Her voice was now downright challenging the older.
“Whatever’s going on between me and Seungwan is none of your business. Same with any relationship I’m in-”
“We’re a fucking group, unnie! Whatever’s going on is also our fucking concern!” Joy raises her voice, something that also startled Irene at the process.
Silence surrounds them both as they hear the soft rushing of feet heading towards the kitchen.
“What’s going on?” Seulgi asks as both her and Yeri looks at a raging Joy and a calm yet furious Irene.
“Just a disagreement, Seul. I’ll handle this. Go,” Irene says, not breaking eye contact with the taller girl. “You too, Yerim.”
“But-” Seulgi tries to object.
“You heard me-”
“Wendy unnie has been trying, you know? Trying to put distance between the two of you even back then because she knows you won’t give back what she really wants, but your damn needy ass always craves for attention don’t you? So you get piss mad at her cause you know how Wendy can never say no to you so you-” a loud slap resonates within the walls.
Seulgi lets out a gasp as she rushes towards Joy, the taller with a hand trying to press away the sting on her cheek.
“Just what the fuck is going on!” Yerim all of a sudden exclaims. Surprised by the youngest’ outburst, they all turned to look towards Yerim. “Ever since Wendy unnie got into that damn accident, things have been changing!”
“Yerim-ah,” Seulgi says, putting a hand on the younger’s shoulder trying to placate her. Only to have the girl step away from her touch.
“Whatever happened to being in this together?” Yeri says in a small voice.
“I-” Joohyun tries to talk.
“I’m going out,” the youngest of the four says. Eyes not looking back as her feet takes her out the dorm. Silence hangs over the three.
“Fuck this,” Joy says, also taking a step forward to leave.
“We’re not done yet, Sooyung,” Irene stops her.
Scoffing, she sends a glare at their leader. “Not until you fucking figure yourself out, unnie.”
As the door closes with a loud bang, Irene finds herself falling onto the cold hardwood floor. Unshed tears blurring her vision.
“What am I doing, Seulgi-yah,” she says in a whimper.
The monolid falls to sit beside her, arms pulling her in an embrace.
-
The four never really told Wendy what transpired that night. Opting keep the woman out of the loop. Thus confusing Wendy as she steps into the threshold of their dorm a few days later when she’s greeted by the awkward and tense atmosphere. She really didn’t want to be here but she still has something in her room that she needs. Something her mom forgot to get for her before she had to stay with them for the mean time.
“Wendy unnie!” a loud yell startles her as she sees a tall raven girl run to her to ambush her into a hug.
“What the- Joy?” Wendy says through a mouthful of the woman’s hair.
“Don’t crush her, Joy,” Seulgi says from the couch, eyes disappearing in crescents as she eyes the two.
“God, I just missed you. Okay,” Joy says, finally pulling out of the embrace.
Wendy raises a brow at her. “You could’ve just told me if you wanted to meet up?”
“Where’s the fun in that?” the taller rolls her eyes at her, still pulling her towards the living room.
“I heard Wendy unnie’s voice- Unnie!” Yeri walks out of her bedroom, seeing the said unnie, she immediately gives the older a hug.
“Oh wow, you guys missed me?” Wendy says with a chuckle. “Is the world ending or something?”
Hearing her words, Yeri pushes the older away in a lighthearted manner.
“What brings you here, though? You didn’t tell us you were coming,” Seulgi says to her, turning off the television.
“I just came to pick up some stuff I need-” words left Seungwan’s mouth as she sees the door next to her room pry open. Revealing a barefaced Joohyun in comfortable clothes.
“Hello, Seungwan-ah,” the older greets her before disappearing towards the kitchen. She doesn’t wait for Wendy’s ‘hi’ either.
What Wendy doesn’t miss was the silence that came as Joohyun came out of her room. But she takes this as her cue to talk to the older girl. She’s been gathering her courage to talk to the woman after that phone call with Sooyoung.
“I’ll be right back,” she says to no one in particular before following into the kitchen.
Inside she sees the woman stare at the kettle waiting for the water to boil, fingers drumming impatiently on the countertop.
“Unnie,” Wendy says in a whisper just enough for the other to hear.
“Oh, Seungwan. Do you need something?” Joohyun nonchalantly asks, not bothering to look at her.
“You’re avoiding me,” she says matter-of-factly, to hell with taking this matter gently. And also because she totally forgot about the speech for Irene. One that she had been rehearsing since last night.
“What makes you think that?”
“You don’t reply to my messages-”
“I’ve been busy, Seungwan-ah. There’s a lot of things going on for the subunit.”
“Yet Seulgi still manages to send me a reply even if it’s three in the morning.” Wendy says, now tired of what has happened between them. It’s funny how in the past two years things have been going rough for the two of them. But Wendy holds onto the hope that they’ll fix this, whatever this is, at the end of the day they’re both Irene and Wendy who gets along so well with each other. “If this about what I said last year, I told you, don’t think about it. Don’t dwell on it that much. Just… talk to me, unnie.”
“You can’t just drop a confession and expect me not to dwell on it, Seungwan.”
“Then pretend it didn’t happen!” Irene looks at her wide-eyed. The smaller girl never really raises her voice at her. “Jesus, it’s been months, unnie.”
“I’m trying to keep my distance, okay? Whatever you’re feeling for me, maybe- I don’t know, maybe having me stay away from you can help you move on from me.” Joohyun tells her, hands now clenched into a fist so tight she can feel her nails digging onto her palm.
Thinking she’s just hearing things, Wendy just asks her, “What?”
“Isn’t that what you tried to do two years ago?” Irene fires back. “You- You tried to stay away from me that year. For months. Until I asked you not to. Tell me, did you like me even from back then?”
Silence surrounds them both as Wendy tries to let Irene’s words sink in. A few beats and Seungwan lets out a low chuckle as she hangs her head low.
“Fucking hell. Joohyun, I’ve liked you from the beginning,” Wendy, looks up straight into her eyes and confesses. She sees the way Joohyun flinches as she hears the younger curse.
“W-what?”
“Oh god this is ridiculous,” Wendy says, running her hands through her hair, pacing around the small space. When she stops, she looks at the older who’s frozen in her spot. “You’re trying to stay away to help me move on?”
When she doesn’t hear an answer from the older woman, she continues on with her laugh. The one that Joohyun isn’t familiar with. It wasn’t the loud ridiculous laugh that always made her smile. No, this was different. This was a different Seungwan in front of her.
“You. You decided to take a step away from me, all these months, keeping me in radio silence, because you think it’ll help me move on from you?” Wendy continues. Hearing no answer from the woman in front of her she yell. “Answer me unnie!”
“Seungwan, I thought it would be better that way!” she defends herself.
“Fucking fuck!” Wendy yells out loud. “You can’t just decide that! It’s my feelings! Don’t you think having you stay away has messed me up in the head too?! Did you even think about that? I’ve been surrounded by this guilt thinking it was my fault. That maybe if I didn’t tell you about what I felt for you then maybe we would- could still be like before.”
“Don’t you think I have a say too about your feelings towards me?! You’re messing with my head too, Seungwan! If you didn’t-”
“You know what. Maybe it is my fault,” Wendy says, chuckling dryly. And Irene feels the fight leave her. “It’s my fault I fell in love with you in the first place. But Jesus, unnie, at least let me deal with it because what you just did hurts even more.”
“It’s not your fault-”
“Is that why you’re trying to date him? I know what Joy told me was true. Now tell me, are you dating him because you want to show me that I shouldn’t pin on you that much?”
Seeing the small nod from Joohyun, Seungwan takes this as her cue to leave.
“I see then,” the younger says, swallowing the lump in her throat as she tries to fight back the tears that are threatening to spill over. “If you’re doing that for me then just stop. Don’t break any more hearts.”
In hurried steps, Wendy exits the kitchen leaving Joohyun alone to the sound of a whistling kettle. Its hot water threatening to spill through the lid.
-
“They’ll make up, right?” Yeri asks through the pillow. She hates feeling so small and helpless with what’s happening. After overhearing the loud yells from the kitchen, the three of them seeks comfort in Seulgi’s room, cramping up the small space. But Yeri thinks this is better than the emptiness of the living room.
“You know those two. They fight but at the end they’ll still be okay,” Joy mutters under her breath, fingers fiddling with the loose threads on one of Seulgi’s pillow.
“Yeah but I think this one’s worse than the last one,” Yeri adds.
“Think Wendy unnie would come back to the dorms anytime soon?” the tallest looks at Seulgi. Eyes filled with sadness.
The eldest takes a deep breath. “Who knows?”
A knock on the bedroom door grabs their attention. The owner standing up to open the door, greeted by the sight of Wendy with her guitar bag slung over her shoulder and a duffel bag by her feet.
“Hey, I’m gonna get going now,” Wendy tells them, not really stepping foot inside the room after Seulgi makes some space for her.
“Won’t you stay for a while?” Joy asks her, not even hiding the sadness in her voice.
Wendy shakes her head, a sad smile painted on her lips. “I think it’s better not to.” She looks towards her best friend. “Good luck on your promotions. And on your stage for the dream concert.”
The young duo nods at her words.
“I’ll text you guys,” Wendy says. A small wave of goodbye as she takes a step back.
“Unnie,” Joy calls out to here, standing up from the bed and tackles the shorter girl in a tight hug. One that Wendy didn’t hesitate to reciprocate.
They pretend everything’s okay the next day. Pretends they’re happy in front of their managers, the staff and the camera for Yeri’s show.
That day, Joy stood out from the black and whites in her bright blue shirt.
-
Yeri was in the middle of reviewing the script for the next episode as she lies down on their dorm’s couch. Eyes flitting from word after word before her phone buzzes from an incoming call. The maknae raises a brow at the caller name.
“Unnie?” she says after picking up.
“Hey, Yerm… you busy?” Wendy says from the other end of the line. Yeri can sense the uncertainty in her tone.
“Not really, unnie. What’s up?”
“So I think I’m on to something and I need your help.”
That’s a first. Yeri thinks. Usually she’s the one asking help from her unnies. Rarely did they come to her for help. But she sets aside this thought because if Wendy is actually asking for her help, then it’s definitely serious.
“Are you gonna try to murder someone?” she jests, trying to lighten the mood and ease her unnie.
And it works because she hears Wendy chuckle from the end of the line. “Haha. No.”
“Well that’s boring. What is it though?”
Yeri can hear the hesitation from the other end. She was about to speak again when the older woman beat her to it.
“I’m at the vocal room and I think I wrote a song and I need your help on it,” Wendy says without pause.
And Yeri stops for a moment before abruptly getting up from the couch, throws the script onto the coffee table and tells her, “I’m on my way.”
-
“Holy shit,” Yeri says, dumbfounded.
“Language, Yerim,” Wendy reprimands her.
“I’m sorry but, holy shit,” the youngest says again this time with emphasis. Wendy smacks her on the head with a small stack of music sheets. “You can’t blame me okay? We just wrote a masterpiece!”
This time Wendy just shakes her head at the younger. As she was rereading the lyrics they wrote, Yeri speaks up.
“Doesn’t this remind you of the time we wrote ‘Close to me’?”
“Well at least that song was a bit fun to write with all the rhyming we had to do,” Wendy says with a chuckle.
“True… this one is just…” Yeri trails off. Eyes downcast onto her lap as she folds and unfolds the dog ears on the paper she’s holding. Unsure of how to continue.
“Sad?” Wendy finishes for her. Yeri looks at the older woman and gives a little nod.
“Yeah… it sounds sad.”
And Wendy thinks it’s because it’s for Joohyun.
-