Archive of Our Own ^beta

Yes, Shinobu is angry. She is sad and angry and unforgiving of the cursed demon that killed her sister. She wants revenge. She wants to relive all those precious memories with Kanae and make new ones with her even if that's impossible. Shinobu wanted to defy the present and create her own future. She didn't want to be pushed around by the cruelty of fate and wished to take fate into her own hands, to undo the threads it has woven and break the ones connected to this reality.

While watching Kanae's face as the life left her was the single most horrifying thing Shinobu ever witnessed, Shinobu hated showing others how she felt; that's why she always kept a smile on her face, hoping no one would worry about her if they didn't know anything. She despised being vulnerable, loathed others needing to take care of her. She should look out for them, care for their well-being. She never wanted to need validation from other people, only her sister would suffice. Shinobu could take care of herself, she was self-sufficient.

But that could get tiring, oh so tiring, feeling everyone else's emotions and avoiding her own.

Watching the other slayers rest after the same mission her sister perished on was utter torture. Shinobu stared as her own hands reached out for the slayers' medicine, their bandages, out to comfort them with a gentle touch and the smile she knew they needed. She didn't feel like herself, smiling while Kanae was no longer here and never would be again.

"Thank you, Shinobu," the weakened boy she was currently treating muttered, looking disappointed. He was lying down on a medical bed next to three other slayers, his head bandaged over his left eye, and the others were asleep. "You really do know how to make everyone feel better. . ."

"Then why do you seem so sad?" She gave him a close-eyed smile as she tilted her head, her soft voice comforting to any patient.

He turned his head to look at her, tearing up. "I couldn't do a thing to defend myself," his voice trembled. "I-I had to rely on the others to protect me a-and then they died. I couldn't protect them. . . I couldn't help them." His hiccups evolved into tears.

"There are going to be plenty of times like that, you know. I can't promise that won't happen again," Shinobu set his hand back down at his side once she was done bandaging it. "But that's why you can't stop training! You have to promise yourself to make up for it. I know you can grow stronger and protect others, so please, try your hardest!"

There was a moment of silence until he turned away, ready to sleep. Shinobu packed up her medical supplies and left the room, a smile still remaining on her face. She headed down the hallway, feet prodding on the wooden flooring. As healthier slayers raced by her, eager to get back to their missions, she clenched her fists hard.

It's not fair, she thought, not fair that they get to roam these halls without ever having met her. Not fair that they get to live and she doesn't. Shinobu knew she shouldn't think that way, but she couldn't help it. It had hardly been two hours since her sister passed away, and it felt too weird to not have her kind voice in the vicinity. Shinobu placed her medical kit aside in her room and stood in place, feeling as if she forgot something. She left the comfort of her room to pace around the Estate.

Kanao! Shinobu suddenly remembered. Where was she? She was here the whole time, right? She couldn't have followed some butterflies outside and gotten attacked by one of those foul creatures—

"There you are!" Kanao turned the corner in front of her and was immediately met by a hug. "You're safe." Shinobu squeezed her youngest sister tighter before letting go. She still wasn't an official slayer and had about a years' worth of training ahead of her, but that didn't mean Shinobu couldn't worry. Especially after today.

Kanae had seemed untouchable. . . On par with that of Rengoku. Her speed was unmatched to any one of the pillars besides Himejima and Sanemi, and her Flower Breathing was much more powerful than Shinobu's own Insect Breathing. Sometimes Shinobu would watch her sister train from dusk til dawn so her endurance could outlast any demon moon. She wanted to achieve that goal, but now she never could.

It's not fair, not fair, notfairnotfairnotfairnotfair—

Shinobu cut her train of thought short and stared at Kanao, searching for any sort of emotion from her.

. . .

Nothing. Same glazed over eyes, same small smile, nothing out of the ordinary on her porcelain expression. Kanao was the same broken child she and Kanae found, only starting to learn how to feel again, if that.

It was late, Shinobu decided. She turned away from Kanao, waved, and headed back to her own room.

Once there, Shinobu found that she couldn't sleep. The dark wasn't comforting but suffocating, and her pillow was uncomfortable. Silence was too loud. Her shelves of books about medicinal herbs looked odd, her feet were cold. Her hairpin dug into the back of her head. The one thing that kept Kanae close now was trying to bite back at her. Absolutely none of this was fair.

***

Late that night Shinobu woke up feeling sick. Sick and sad. She cried then as her body caught up with her mind.

And she woke up again even later.

And again.

And by the last time she woke the sky was turning grey.

She didn't want to take any medicine to stop the sick feeling; it was her own punishment for not being there for Kanae. She only hoped it wouldn't get much worse throughout the day. She wore her slayer uniform and left the haori her sister gave her in the room adjacent to hers where she placed it the night before. She couldn't look at it yet.

In the morning she checked up on the patients from last night, most doing very well and their injuries fairly minor. Not fair, came an echo in her mind.

"Shut up," she whispered to herself as she left one room to go to the next. Meeting other slayers was one of her favorite things about being a doctor, but today she was really hating having to converse with so many people.

Another hour's worth of communicating, writing reports, and bringing up medications and Shinobu was set free for a brief moment from her duties at the Butterfly Estate.

She was startled by Giyuu at the front of the property with a message for her.

"Did they not tell you? Pillar meeting today after lunch," he bluntly stated.

"No, I was not informed. They sent you?" She didn't mean for it to sound so rude, but Giyuu didn't seem to care. He was used to her behavior around him by now. However, he was surprised she wasn't smiling like usual. Not a morning person, huh?

"Be there." The water pillar left Shinobu's home without another word.

Shinobu sighed while closing the sliding door, the thwack echoing slightly in the empty hall. I'm not even a pillar, so why do I have to be there? Making her way to Kanao's room, Shinobu thought that maybe it wasn't so out of the question, since Kanae must have left some responsibilities or such for her to take care of.

Pastel green tatami mats lined every corridor of the Estate, truly making this place feel like a winding forest. It was rather peaceful when no one was around. At Kanao's door, Shinobu knocked.

"Kanao? If you're not up by now, remember you have training to do this afternoon," she called. Her voice was cheerful even if she didn't want to be. Her stomach was feeling better since last night because at least now she could walk around without feeling like hurling.

The rest of the morning passed slowly. Shinobu attempted to keep her mind as numb as possible, being strong for the patients already mourning the deaths of their comrades. Despite thinking it wasn't the same for them as it was for her, she knew deep down that that was not true. Everyone has their right to mourn and never will one person's pain be the same as the next. So why did she hate them all so damn much? After mulling it over, she supposed that she was jealous of them all seeming fine, and what she hated at the moment was herself. She was furious at herself for leaving Kanae to deal with the demon on her own. She knew that the demon was unlike any normal ones—likely one of the demon moons from what they were told when a scouting crow was done surveying the area—and she still left her sister alone. She protected the younger slayers instead of her sister. The ones she currently held an immense amount of jealousy toward. Shinobu was mad at herself for thinking Kanae was untouchable in that moment, for believing she would be okay, for leaving her alone.

Before she knew it, lunch arrived, and the pillar meeting would be soon. Shinobu was starting to feel some sort of ache in her stomach, so she decided to skip the meal. She was unsure her stomach could take it after getting worked up with nerves anyway.

The Ubuyashiki Estate was far larger than she imagined, but thankfully she recognized a few of the pillars by the wisteria garden and followed them to where she assumed the meeting would be. Of course, she knew their names from the stories Kanae would tell her, but she couldn't match faces to names besides Giyuu and Sanemi. They arrived at a stone courtyard with a magnificent tree to the side and a shallow koi pond in the back. The clear blue water glittered in the high afternoon sun. Looking at all the pillars present with their colorful attire, Shinobu felt out of place with only her black uniform. Her fingers grabbed the sides of her pants and rubbed the coarse fabric between out of nervousness, and she felt her heart pounding quicker in her chest. I shouldn't be here. Is this normal? How often do other slayers get to meet the pillars anyway?

A man, Oyakata-sama, Shinobu presumed, stepped out aside his identical daughters. His forehead was a darker color than his skin, wrinkled, and his eyes were glazed over with white. Ah, he's sick. . . Blind too? How come we've never tried to treat him? From her right side, she noticed movement. The white-haired guy with a jeweled headband was motioning for her to bow, a menacing look in his eyes that she did not want to disappoint. She blushed in embarrassment as she took the appropriate position.

"My children, please lift your heads. This beautiful day deserves to be seen by all who can view it." His voice is so calming, Shinobu thought as she sat up and rested on her knees. "I have received word of whom we have lost," A pause for that to sink in, "And I give my condolences, as I'm sure all of you do as well. But may I get a list of who is present? This will also help our newest member get acquainted."

That alone could have made Shinobu cry again, the reminder that Kanae was not coming back, but she held her confident posture. She couldn't show how vulnerable she was. She hardly caught his last sentence through her racing thoughts. Was she replacing Kanae?

"We wish you in good health today, Oyakata-sama. I, Obanai Iguro, am here," the man with a snake around his neck and bandages covering his mouth spoke first. Shinobu took note of each of their appearances as they went down the line.

"Sanemi Shinazugawa."

"Gyomei Himejima."

"Giyuu Tomioka."

"Mitsuri Kanroji."

"Muichiro Tokito."

"Kyojurou Rengoku."

"Tengen Uzui."

They all turned to look at her expectantly.

"S-Shinobu Kocho." She began fidgeting once again, though keeping her usual smile as a means of comfort to herself.

"Yes, Shinobu Kocho, Kanae's little sister, will be joining us from now on if she so chooses," Oyakata began. He turned to address her specifically, as he knew where her voice came from. "Kanae informed me before the mission last night that in the event she did not make it back, she would have liked you to take her place. She said she was impressed with how far you had come as a slayer and medic. She spoke with adoration of your perseverance and hard work because you formed your own kind of breathing style. Though we do not accept such proposals based on word of mouth alone, she confirmed that if you continue with your work, you will undoubtedly have the heart and strength of a pillar in due time, and with her being a former pillar, I trust her word."

Shinobu sat in silence, debating on what to say. Nothing but the peaceful chirping of birds was heard as she carefully chose her words. She felt the others' stares on her, piercing into her seemingly unworthy soul. Did Kanae really think that highly of her? Wouldn't the other pillars be upset? Was she just a replacement? Did Oyakata-sama really want to do this or was it out of pity? She didn't even have the strength to cut off a demon's head.

"With all due respect, Oyakata-sama, I feel that taking Kanae's place so soon would be . . . disrespectful. If I complete enough training and master my Insect Breathing, then I will gladly fulfill her wish. But for now I believe it best if we leave some time between her leaving and me joining," Shinobu said. She closed her eyes and bowed her head ever so slightly, smiling with satisfaction at her answer.

A few gasps were heard from the other pillars, probably thinking that she was rude to the master. Muichiro, she noticed, was just staring at the sky. Kanroji was actually in admiration at the moment. Uwaahhh! After being showered with flattery she still refused! How noble, Shinobu-san! Shinobu turned away, blushing lightly at the stare the other girl was giving her.

"No worries, I'm sure we all need time to grieve. But when you join our ranks, I'm sure you will be flamboyant!" Uzui said, crossing his arms.

"Thank you for your input, Shinobu, Uzui," Oyakata answered. "I assume the rest of you would be alright with a rising demon slayer becoming a pillar soon in the future?"

"Of course! As long as she proves her worth, she will be a great addition!" Rengoku's loud voice interrupted the silence, followed by quiet murmurs of agreement.

"I pray that Shinobu-san will not give up and find comfort in the near future," Himejima said.

A sniffle came from somewhere down the line, but Shinobu was unsure of who it was.

"Very well then. All in due time," Oyakata brought the conversation to a close. "Now, as for our observations regarding Kibutsuji's minions . . . We have word that there has been a high increase in activity in the northeast, likely to distract us from searching the other areas. Thankfully, no demon moons have been spotted in the northeast, but that means the lands ranging from the north, west, and south will be more guarded by higher ranking demons. . ."

The moving on from the subject of Kanae was necessary, but still distracting for Shinobu. People felt grief differently, she knew; however, she always felt the need to keep whatever was bothering her in the back of her mind. Nothing could stop the constant inward train of thought behind everything else in her brain.

"They appear to be closing in on us, though they do not know our exact location. I want you to stay on the lookout for any surprises, especially for the younger slayers who seem to be losing their skill," Oyakata spoke.

"Would it be better if they were sent out in small groups instead of individually?" Kanroji asked.

"But wouldn't that encourage them to let their guard down?" Sanemi said.

"Not if we can foster good teamwork with training sessions here, in a safe area," Himejima said. "Namu Amida Butsu," he added.

Shinobu would be lying if she said she didn't zone out at least a little for the rest of the meeting. She didn't have to wait much longer though, as the meeting was concluded within fifteen more minutes. The group bowed once more as Oyakata returned back into his home, and then they all separated. Some left the courtyard from the exit by the koi pond, and others went to the left. Shinobu went left along with the man she recognized as Sanemi.

"Ne, Sanemi-san, you have a brother right?" Shinobu kindly asked.

"Yeah, what of it?" He stiffened at the mention of Genya, at the memories that flooded in with that name. His fists clenched despite him keeping his cool, nails almost breaking the skin.

"Don't you miss him?" Shinobu looked up at the sky. "Kanae told me you never talk about him, but she said it seemed like you miss him terribly." She turned to look at Sanemi on her right. "You don't even know where he is, do you? If you two never make up you won't get to tell him that you love him despite what happened. I'd hate to have left anything unsaid to Kanae." But you did. And she hated herself for that too.

"Shut it," he said aggressively, "You don't tell me what to do with my life." He was keeping quiet out of respect for what Kanae would have wanted, but Shinobu pushed him over the edge.

"But she did. She wanted you to make up with him," Shinobu grinned, poison in her eyes.

Suddenly Sanemi stopped walking. A small dust cloud stirred where his feet shifted. He grabbed the neck of Shinobu's uniform with a tight fist and let her hang uncomfortably in front of him. "What makes you think you can take her place then?! You aren't her! I don't care if you become a pillar or not, but don't go poking around my personal life! It's unforgivable that you think talking to me like your sister would excuses you from what you don't understand!" His teeth gritted in anger as his hair blew in a cool gust of wind. It was a calming refreshment after the angry tension on both sides of the conversation.

"I'm only trying to help you like she would have wanted. Having a healthy sibling bond is good for you," Shinobu said, still smiling. Maybe annoying someone who was worse off than her was satisfying, in a way. She knew she shouldn't have gone this far, but to know that someone was suffering more than her was pleasing. And frustrating. Either way, her feet were off the ground and the back of her neck was burning from tensely looking up at Sanemi. "Could you kindly put me down?"

Sanemi carelessly dropped Shinobu and walked off, not caring that she lost her footing and almost fell.

"At least you got to say goodbye," Sanemi's last words almost didn't reach her, for the wind had picked up a bit. Whether he was referencing Kanae or his brother compared to her and her sister, Shinobu wasn't sure.

No, I didn't, Shinobu thought bitterly. I should be thankful the demon didn't eat her before I could get to her. I should be glad she got to say some last words to me. But those weren't comforting words. She recalled how Kanae told her the appearance of the demon who attacked her, and how little time there was to say anything else. All she could do was plead with fate not to take her away, but she watched tears spill out of Kanae's eyes as her breath faded to nothing. I could have said goodbye. I didn't think I had to. It was only last night.

Weeks later, everything continued like normal. This isn't normal though. Kanae wasn't there to help train Kanao, she wasn't there to have late night conversations, and she wasn't there to help Shinobu learn how to get along with the pillars. Life was simply moving on too fast.

Shinobu remembered visiting Kanae's room one night, unable to sleep again. Dumbly, she believed spending time there would help. And she wasn't entirely wrong; it did help a little. Being where Kanae would have been let her get out the words she couldn't say back then, and it helped her emit her emotions. Still, she couldn't take the haori off of her sister's old futon. It laid there like a true butterfly: sleeves outstretched to the sides and the bottom spread out like majestic, kaleidoscopic wings. Burning incense for her sister every evening became a calming ritual, but Shinobu found herself too busy to keep it up after a week. The small cremation the slayers had for the dead right after the fight was not enough to honor Kanae, and suddenly Shinobu was feeling guilty for not keeping up with her small ritual. But people need my help. I can't stop to take care of myself.

The world doesn't slow down just for you.

It was rare when Aoi literally had to drag Shinobu out of bed and help her through the morning. To say Shinobu felt ashamed those times was an understatement. She wanted to be helping her patients, spending time creating poison for demons, taking walks outside. . . All that could have been done if she didn't feel so damn guilty, so angry, so depressed, so—

"How's Kanao-san doing?" Aoi asked as they were hanging up bedsheets to dry.

"Fine, I think," Shinobu said. "She doesn't express much with her face, but she's been training more and getting up earlier. She's doing better than before." She took the empty bamboo basket and left before Aoi could say anything else, the smile never leaving her own face.

Shinobu ran and trained and practiced her reflexes and breathing and trained some more despite not wanting to. I have to get revenge on that demon. She wanted to be ready when that happened, and she couldn't let the other pillars down ever since she promised to join them. Perfecting her demon poison was easier than she expected, and she mastered all of the Insect breathing forms, not that she had many left to do anyway. Shinobu made so much progress, and Kanao was working on total concentration constant. Come to think of it, did Shinobu ever teach her about that? Did Kanae?

Kanae.

It had been a long while—a week? Two?—since Shinobu thought of her sister, and to make up for that she raised her nichiirin blade to her arm that night and gave in to all the voices she kept hearing inside her head.

You weren't there, you weren't there, you weren't there. . .

You don't have anybody now, nobody, nobody. . .

You're her replacement. No one cares about you .

You can never be the same as her.

You can't do it. You should give up.

Give up! . . .Weren't there. . . nobody. . .

She's never coming back.

Never.

Never, never. Your fault.

Nevernevernevernevernevernevernevernevernevernevernevernever!

Shinobu cried harder than she ever had as hot, angry blood dripped down her left arm from the several cuts she made. Her skin was now torn and jagged like ripped paper, and it hurt, stung, ached like a bruise after she bandaged it up so blood wouldn't get on her futon that night. If it did, she couldn't forgive herself for letting Aoi find out. She wanted so badly to pay for the mistakes she made, and this felt relieving. This was her punishment. She didn't want to disinfect it; the impurity matched her heart now. Her stupid stupid stupid heart that believed her sister didn't need her help that night.

The feeling of tears became familiar every night, barely keeping from spilling over during the day. Shinobu was hurting. She was alone. She still went about her life like nothing was wrong, and no one else found out. Everyday motions were natural, yet hiding a dark secret behind every pause, every frustrated flick of her hair, every single fucking smile.

Ever since Shinobu started the dreaded action of striking her blade against her skin, she hated continuing it. But it feels so nice to let all your feelings out, doesn't it? On yourself? It is your fault she's gone after all. This was her own personal drug for feeling better.

Aoi didn't notice missing bandage wraps since Shinobu used the personal ones from her room, and Kanao noticed nothing out of the ordinary. At least, if she did know she pretended she didn't. It was Shinobu's own little secret.

Then she was sent out on her first mission in months. Were the Corps being kind to let her grieve for that long? Or did they allow her to wallop in her pain for too long?

Somewhere in the south region a presumably lower moon demon was stirring up trouble. A village near a forest at the base of a mountain was being attacked every night, and people would show up missing in the morning. Kanroji was actually sent on this mission as well, along with ten other younger slayers that Shinobu thought were dead by now.

Kanroji suggested they start by asking around town during the day to get some information. From the townspeople, they learned that no one was taken from their houses. One young man described watching his wife roam around outside and then go to the mountain by her own free will. He was too frightened by the odd scene that he didn't follow her, and he was beating himself up about it until the girls told him it wasn't his fault.

"Maybe this demon can manipulate scent? Smells are connected to memories, so maybe these people were half-asleep and followed the comforting smell away from their home," Kanroji said. She removed her thoughtful hand from her chin and made a fist pound into her palm in a deciding manner. A proud, blushy expression crossed her face as she turned to Shinobu for confirmation.

"I don't know if that's right. Some of the villagers reported people shopping late at night and then walking away toward the mountain. They weren't asleep," Shinobu answered. Kanroji slumped over in disappointment. "But I do agree that this demon must have some ability to manipulate the mind." Her female companion perked back up.

Before they knew it, the world went dark. Nighttime had arrived, and standing before the forest was daunting. This won't be like last time. I'm not losing anyone. Shinobu's face hardened, drifting away from her usual smile. If someone else dies because of me. . . Finishing that thought was not something Shinobu believed would be healthy.

Kanroji tugged at the sleeve of Shinobu's plain white haori, very similar to hers, might she add. If they were having a day out in town, some people might think they matched on purpose. Though, she almost grimaced at how close Kanroji's hand was to the protected scars on her wrist.

"Come on, let's go," Kanroji brought her attention back to the daunting task in front of them.

No point in wasting time, they believed, so instead of walking, they ran as quietly as possible. Kanroji easily made her way through the canopy with grace and agility. Being the most agile and flexible of the pillars gave her the skills of a gymnast, so she was able to jump from branch to branch and swing using her arms. Shinobu stuck to the ground, a rock afraid to climb the heights that her sister once reached.

Not long after they had been scaling the ever-increasing steep mountain, there came a scream from the left. Nodding toward each other, the girls headed toward the noise. The further they had gone up the mountain, the more barren the ground became, just dirt and rocks and only trees providing green. It was a sad mountain, Shinobu was sure, hiding its pains at the top where no one could reach, putting on a bright facade at the entrance.

Walking sideways along the mountain was uneven, the right leg always taking a higher up step than the left. Kanroji was on the ground now, haori flapping behind her as she ran ahead of Shinobu.

A pastel pink mist began to swarm around them, and the shrieking sound of screams were much closer. Just get me there! Where is that person? I have to help them!

"Here, take my hand. This mist is like fog; I don't want us to get separated," Kanroji said, holding out her hand as she looked side to side. It was so thick now that they couldn't see the trees a foot away from them. The mist was sweet-smelling, but Shinobu knew it wasn't poison. She was experienced in medicine and deadly substances, obviously, and this was more like a sleeping drug than anything else, but still something different for sure.

Taking Kanroji's soft hand, Shinobu whispered, "Do we know where any of the injured are?"

"My guess would be spread out in this fog, but close to the center so the demon could keep an eye on them," Kanroji said. She turned her head to give Shinobu a smile. "They'll be okay."

The two inched closer into the thickness of the fog until someone was thrown toward them from the right. Kanroji yelped and jumped back, bumping into Shinobu.

The someone was a corpse, stripped of its arms and face. A mess of deep red blood coated the head, matting the hair, and seeped down into the clothes around their neck. The red flesh looked soft and squishy. Shinobu felt sick at the sight.

"Where are you?!" Kanroji asked. She whipped her head to the origin of the thrower. Her attitude changed so drastically, Shinobu admired her in the moment.

No answer, and so Kanroji led them away from the grotesque sight and toward where it came from. The screaming had stopped a bit ago, so Shinobu guessed that the poor soul they had just seen was the one the shrieks belonged to. We let him die, we didn't get here fast enough! She refrained from gripping her wrist that was currently in her friend's hand.

"There has to be a clear spot in the center, like a hurricane," Kanroji whispered.

"Either that or the demon can see past the mist," Shinobu said.

"That would be a problem, but seeing as we haven't been full-on attacked yet, I'd say that's unlikely."

Suddenly, a demon sped toward Shinobu, ready to take off her arm. Thank goodness for Kanroji's quick reflexes or else Shinobu would have bled to death then and there. Kanroji lashed at the demon with her ribbon-like sword, throwing it to the side and dissipating a bit of the fog with the action.

"Why don't you have your sword ready?!" Kanroji anxiously shouted, quickly giving Shinobu a panicked look. She rushed toward the demon, promising to be back, and then the fog suffocated Shinobu's sight. Was I wishing for death in that moment?

She couldn't tell distance anymore, and couldn't hear Kanroji fighting. That demon couldn't have been the source of this fog. Don't worry, she'll be fine. . .

. . .

Isn't that what you told yourself last time?

"Kanroji?!" Shinobu shouted, fearing the worst. Her heart rate immediately picked up.

"Yeah?! Kinda busy!"

Shinobu breathed a sigh of relief. The call was more distant than she hoped though. Maybe she couldn't hear the whooshing of wind from fast movement or the clang of swords on claws, but Kanroji was safe. She was fighting for herself.

Find that center like she said.

With her sword ready, Shinobu charged in the direction the corpse came from, leaping up to the trees to hopefully find a vantage point from above. Sure enough, she witnessed a demon fighting two slayers further in the direction she was heading. She could make it in one jump if she tried.

Her grip on her blade abruptly softened as she felt it slip out of her grasp. Shit! The cuts on her wrists were hurting again as she dove down to the forest floor to grab her sword. No problem, I still need to get to that demon. I can do it from the ground just as well.

Shinobu ran as fast as she could until she was immediately stopped by mist swirling and creating the spitting image of Kanae in front of her.

"H-How . . .?" Shinobu gasped out, eyes wide. No, this isn't real. She shook her head and raised her hand to her temple to stop the oncoming headache. She's wearing the haori. I left that at home, it's not her. Kanae's image blurred in front of her.

"Shino! What's wrong? You should be smiling! I love your smile you know," Kanae said.

Shinobu couldn't help it. She went blind as she sprinted towards her sister. She could hardly keep her eyes open as the wind stung and the tears poured out and raced across her face, falling behind her into her hair. A strangled cry came out as Shinobu fell to her knees, plunging into the comfort of her sister's stomach and wrapping her arms around her legs. Her hands clenched the fabric of Kanae's kimono so hard she thought it might tear. So many hot tears poured from her face as she felt Kanae rest one hand on her shoulder and let the other stroke her hair. Her sword fell to the side.

"I'msosorry, I'm so sorry Kanae," Shinobu wept out. Her voice cracked, not letting her keep steady. Her breathing was stuttered and she felt her face heat up with shame. She didn't care if this wasn't real; she needed this.

"What for?" Kanae's soft voice asked.

Shinobu choked out more sobs, shaking her head until she heard Kanroji's voice behind her.

"Look out!"

A clawed hand swiped at Shinobu's neck and left a deep scratch on the left side before she was able to jump away, leaving her sword at the demon's side. She gritted her teeth as she pressed her palm into the wound. Looking up at her attacker, she no longer saw her sister, but a demon with waist-length red, curly hair. The demoness wore a flowered kimono and had colorful flowers wrapped around her lower arms and neck. There was no longer any pink mist surrounding the area, and Shinobu noticed that the slayers she saw before weren't anywhere to be seen. Please don't be dead. She realized the only thing that allowed her to get away without losing her head was Kanroji jumping by and slashing the arm of the demon.

"That was quick," the demon lazily said. She looked at her arm as it healed in a second. "Didn't think you would pull away from her for anything in the world. You were so close after all. Maybe you can recognize fantasy from reality after all."

Shinobu said nothing. Instead she took a closer look at the pale turquoise demon's eyes. Sure enough, this was the demon that had been stealing the most lives in the area. The kanji for "lower moon two" was carved into her left eye.

"By the way, your little companion came back," the demoness said with a grin. "Maybe she'll make a good snack."

Shinobu glanced behind the demon, only to see Kanroji with a dopey grin on her face, dancing around by herself without a care in the world. She came toward the demon and, surprisingly, hugged her from behind.

"Not that I have to kill her now," Lower Moon Two stated as she reached up to place her hands onto Kanroji's, now around her neck. "She's so happy in that little fantasy right now it'd be a shame to take it away from her," she snickered.

"What did you do to her?" Shinobu demanded.

"Oh, hardly anything. My blood demon art allows me to give others the fantasies they've always wanted through manipulation of light. Drawn in," she narrowed her eyes, "like a fly to the spider's web." She bit into Kanroji's hand, enough to spill blood, "Tasty for sure." The pillar had a moment of awakening before the demon waved her free hand and Kanroji was pushed back into whatever fantasy she was having.

Of course Shinobu felt terrible about letting her senior be attacked, but she couldn't do anything at the moment. Even if she had a sword, getting Lower Moon Two might also hurt Kanroji. "Light?" Shinobu's passive smile came back to her face. Taunting was the next best thing to hurting the demon. "Isn't that a little ironic?"

A moment of silence passed between them, but Shinobu heard leaves rustling off to the side. Are some slayers still alive? Lower Moon Two carelessly threw Kanroji back behind her.

The demon gasped for dramatic effect as she picked up Shinobu's blade, ignoring the previous comment. "And you left your sword over here by me! Oh no, how terrible for you!"

She had to think of a plan, quick. Could she run? If the demon manipulated her mind again Shinobu didn't think she could get away like before. No one else was coming to help, she presumed. Come on, you're going to be a pillar! You know what to do.

Shinobu darted around the demon, taking a direct path to a tree to vault off of, and landed by Kanroji to borrow her sword. The demon attempted to reach her at the tree, but only succeeded in scratching the bark after Shinobu leapt off. Once she had Kanroji's sword, she thought back to the demon's words: Maybe you can recognize fantasy from reality. Did that mean she could avoid giving in to the hallucinations? Kanroji was happily making snow angels on the ground behind her.

"Blood Demon Art: Fantastical Orbs!"

Shinobu was immediately swarmed by glowing balls of light with memories playing inside them. She recognized a few from her childhood, like playing in the snow with her parents and Kanae or hatching butterfly chrysallises with them. She felt overwhelmed with emotion, almost wanted to pass out from her pounding heart. It was a drum in her ears and it hurt to breathe.

Suddenly, the demon was rushing toward her. Shinobu noticed she was avoiding the memories floating around them, so it slowed her down and gave the slayer an idea. She slashed the orbs in half. As a result, they turned to flame and disappeared, weakening the emotional effect it had on Shinobu. No matter how many she could slash in the seconds to come, she couldn't get rid of all of them and instead rolled away to avoid the demon scraping at her face.

Cuts—ugh, Shinobu gasped for air and eyed her own sword in the demon's hand, burning.

Immediately, a warm wet feeling was covering her lower left arm, seeping through the bandages and trailing down to her wrist. She grit her teeth as her grip on Kanroji's sword tightened.

Fighting through the pain, Shinobu whipped the sword at the demon, succeeding in cutting her face. The demon dropped Shinobu's blade in favor of grabbing her own face to stop the bleeding. While the demon was busy regenerating, Shinobu swiped up her blade from the ground, slashing the demon's side and injecting her with poison on the way.

The demoness shrieked as the poison quickly made boils swell on her skin. It works fast, but from the looks of it it's not powerful enough to defeat a lower moon. Out of the corner of her eye, Shinobu recognized Kanroji's form pulling up from the ground, and she tossed the curved nichiirin blade her way.

"If we cut her, the illusions vanish and we come back to reality! Finding her will be difficult in the illusion, but she should take the form of something," Shinobu said. Her smile came back for a brief moment.

"You think you can defeat me so easily?! I'll show you! Blood Demon Art: Aurorbora Landscape!" Her welts had healed by now, meaning that poison's strength would only lessen the more Shinobu cut the demon with it.

Shinobu didn't notice anything different in her surroundings. Then, the sound of chattering teeth came from behind her.

"Sh-Shinobu-san, a-aren't y-yo-u cold?" Kanroji was shivering, holding her hands to her shoulders, her sword dangled from her hand.

"No, I think some people have the ability to see past her illusions. Some of them, at least. That, or they're weakening since she's been fighting for a while," Shinobu answered. She felt more blood seep into her hand from her reopening cut, though she didn't notice Kanroji's eyes widen at the sight.

Out of the blue, two younger slayers jumped out of the bushes behind where Lower Moon Two was standing. The demon immediately felt the presences and spun away before the first slayer could cut her neck, then briskly sliced their hand off. The second slayer had aimed for her feet, and succeeded in cutting one, but ultimately was kicked with such brute force that he plummeted back into the woods where he came from.

"NO!" Shinobu yelled as the first slayer screamed in pain, falling to her knees. Shinobu took her stance to deliver the long awaited blow to the demon. Don't let anyone else die!

"Insect Breathing: Dance of the Dragonfly!" Shinobu sped towards Lower Moon Two as Kanroji watched her movement, realizing that the demon truly was there despite not seeing it in her vision. As Shinobu struck the demon six times, Kanroji promptly warmed up and witnessed the demon and the wintry scenery flicker, exchanging places in front of her.

Lower Moon Two was again full of boils, red and nasty, and Kanroji took her chance before fate snatched it away. She raced after the demon, not letting it stumble into the woods, and cut her head clean off.

Shinobu quickly went to the younger slayer whose wrist was now fully soaked in red. Blood stained the dirt ground before Shinobu got to the wound and wiped off what she could, wrapping it up tightly before helping her to a Kakushi with a carrier.

Kanroji went to scouting the area for more survivors with the Kakushis. The mission had ended with nine casualties, seven survivors. Your fault, you were late, came the voices in Shinobu's head. You could have protected them if only you got here sooner.

On the walk down the mountain, Kanroji and Shinobu protected the Kakushis, watching from the tops of the trees for any stray demons. The sun was rising.

"Hey, Shinobu-san," Kanroji started once they reached the village at the mountain's base. Shinobu was actually about to take off and get back to the Butterfly Estate to help patients, but whatever a pillar had to say to her must have been important.

"Yes?" Shinobu turned to her with a smile.

"Please, take care of yourself," Kanroji offered a kind grin.

"I'm sorry?" Did she know? A sense of panic filled Shinobu's chest. It swelled, then fell, and then rose to her throat.

"In the moment I thought it was my imagination, but I saw your hand dripping with blood. The demon got you! I want you to patch that up as soon as possible," Kanroji pointed a finger at her and puffed out her cheeks with a pouty expression. "Our new pillar needs to take care of herself!"

"R-right," Shinobu said as her breathing went back to normal and she relaxed her shoulders.

After the stress of the last fight, Shinobu just wanted to go home and take a nap.

But there were hurt people to attend to, so she did that instead. For days, the only things she did were train with Kanao, cut, stay in shape, improve her poison, cut, burn incense for Kanae, cut, look after newer Corps members, cut, cut, cut. . .

Shinobu had gotten used to the pain now and no longer cried during the day, but she spread it to both her arms now. The guilt of letting the slayers down on her newest mission pulled strong and hard. Your fault, your fault, your fault! She continued to smile in the faces of the other slayers, pretending like nothing was wrong. She went to another pillar meeting feeling more isolated than last time, drowning in her thoughts the whole time and missing whatever information they received.

Kanao wasn't feeling anything, as usual. Come on Shinobu, it's been weeks. She's gone. Let it go. Saying it and actually doing it were two different things. While she hated to admit it, Kanae's memory was slipping from her mind lately. It was no longer the torture of her memory, just the ugly voices telling her about it, telling her to drown in her sorrow and never break the surface again.

Aoi was busy helping around the Estate most days. Whatever conversations Shinobu had with her were always short and meaningless, nothing worth remembering.

Then Kanroji showed up at the Butterfly Estate's doorstep with Obanai and Himejima.

"W-what are you all doing here?" Shinobu's voice rose a bit higher than normal and she felt a tingling in her bandaged wrist.

"Well it's been a while since you were introduced to all of the pillars and hardly any of us have gotten to know you!" Kanroji said excitedly. She grinned while her arms were tucked behind her back. "I asked Himejima-san to come along, but Iguro-san insisted on joining as well! So, um, this is us giving you a surprise welcome!"

"Hello," Obanai said, raising his hand in a "hi" gesture.

"Pardon the intrusion, Kanroji-san informed me that you would know about this," Himejima stated.

"No, no, it's fine! I'll just let Aoi-san know that we have visitors. Please, come in," Shinobu said, giving them all a close-eyed smile. "Would you like some tea?"

"Thank you," Himejima bowed his head slightly before adding, "Namu Amida Butsu."

Shinobu led the other pillars to a wide room outlooking the backyard of the estate where butterflies fluttered around bushes of roses and various orchids. "I'll be back, make yourselves comfortable."

Shinobu made her way to the kitchen to prepare the tea. No one's ever visited like this besides Sanemi. . . Do they really want to get to know me? Why? She didn't need pity from them, Shinobu thought bitterly. She poured the steaming tea into four ceramic cups, placed them on a tray, and left to go find the pillars with doubt in her mind. Passing Aoi, she let her know of the surprise, to which the blue-eyed girl nodded and continued on with her chores.

When she arrived back at the room she had led them to, Shinobu found them conversing quietly. They were seated in the shape of a very wide triangle, leaving space for her. Shinobu placed the tray in the middle of the group and served them the tea.

"What were you all talking about?" Shinobu asked with that heart-warming smile of hers.

"Just reminiscing back when Kanroji-san first joined the pillars," Iguro answered, "And why she didn't just burn her uniform when she got it."

Shinobu noticed he didn't grab a tea cup, and feeling guilty for forgetting he had a mask on, she decided not to question it either. Yeah, good job. He probably hates you.

"H-Hey! I don't think it's actually that bad!" Kanroji protested, taking a sip of her tea.

"Not that bad?" Shinobu chuckled, "You sure are confident Kanroji-san."

She blushed at the compliment, squealing as she shook her head. "Me? Really? That's so nice of you to say, Shinobu-chan!"

"You seem to be doing very well in your training, Shinobu-san. Kanroji-san told us about your victory against Lower Moon Two last week," Himejima said, changing the subject. "To be so brave when you're so young. . . Truly magnificent." Tears streamed down his face at the thought.

"Wasn't that hard," Shinobu said, "She was just like any other demon needing to be killed. Besides, Kanroji was the one to ultimately slice her pitiful head off." The way she kept smiling with her eyes closed didn't let any of the guilty emotions she held show through. It would have been unsettling if the others didn't agree with her.

The conversation continued for a while, surprisingly not as awkwardly as Shinobu believed it would be. Maybe it was because Kanroji was so good in social situations. She did keep most of the dialogue going after all. For the first time in so long Shinobu was actually having fun. But. . . Why does it feel wrong? It feels wrong to be here laughing and talking without her around, wrong that they don't seem to notice her missing presence.

Shinobu occasionally gripped one of her arms to stop the stinging of her cuts from resurfacing, but no one seemed to notice, thank goodness. You have no one, they don't care, a voice in her head whispered. The uniform's sleeves were cuffed at the end, not letting anyone see anything but the hands. For all they knew, she could have had bruises from training. The tea had been set aside as antics ensued, Kanroji laying on the ground to playfully kick her legs around and stretch, while Iguro let Kaburamaru slither around the garden outside. Himejima watched the sight as he prayed, and Shinobu decided to replace some of the bird seed they typically left in the feeders in the trees. She told Kanao to do the job every once in a while, but even if the food was fresh she still wanted to change it to give herself something to accomplish.

The afternoon passed nicely, if not for the voices whispering all of Shinobu's insecurities at her the whole time. She was glad to have a break from her doctoral work of course, as well as training Kanao, unemotional as she always was. Word was the pillars would be receiving more slayers to train in order to get their skills back up to their previous height.

By the evening, it was time for Shinobu's visitors to leave.

"Thank you for coming over, I had fun," Shinobu tilted her head, giving them a smile once more. For once, the voice in her head was quiet as she heard their kind replies.

"As did we. Thank you for letting us stay so late," Himejima said.

"Aww, it wasn't that late!" Kanroji said, looking up at him to puff her cheeks out—even if she knew he couldn't see her that didn't mean she had to hide her feelings—before turning back to Shinobu, "I'm sure we can hang out again sometime!"

"Bye," Iguro simply stated. "This was a nice break, keep up the good work."

"Yes, I will," Shinobu bowed as they left the Estate. Kanroji was talking louder as they left, playfully arguing with Iguro. They're perfectly fine without you, much closer in fact. They don't depend on you for happiness, you only got in their way; they don't care about you.

"Go away," Shinobu whispered, looking down at her arms as she closed the door. She wished these voices telling her she wasn't good enough, wasn't strong enough, wasn't worthy of happiness, would just go away.

They were only pitying you you know. They just wanted to see how you were doing since Kanae died.

Kanae was the only support Shinobu needed before. Why did she absolutely hate being on her own now? It wasn't the voices—mean as they were—she could drown them out with the relief of metal slicing her arm. Shinobu was self-sufficient, independent. She could take care of herself. She didn't need anyone else.

The next day, Shinobu busied herself with helping Kanao improve her reflexes by using the cup technique. She left to improve her medications and test some new arrivals as Kanao trained with a few other slayers. Shinobu came back to find Kanao swinging her sword in the rose garden wearing that same damn smile that held nothing behind it. It irked Shinobu to no end. Kanao hadn't done anything but train since Kanae died, and hadn't done anything but train before. She did what she was told, she never needed anyone to scold her or praise her, she continued what she was doing no matter who it hurt.

"Shouldn't you feel SOMETHING?!" Shinobu shrieked before she could stop herself. Only she and Kanao were in the garden. Aside from the butterflies of course. Shinobu was panting, out of breath and heart pounding. She had been feeling too much, for too long. Meanwhile Kanao was here feeling nothing.

Kanao turned to look at Shinobu with empty eyes. She didn't even flinch.

"All you've done since Kanae died is run and swing your sword and smile! She's been gone for months and I haven't heard you cry, I haven't heard you talk! You act like everything is fine and perfect, but it's not! You haven't shed a single tear for her, for our sister, your sister! She took you in when you had absolutely nowhere LEFT TO GO! How could you be so SELFISH?!" Shinobu really knew she shouldn't be yelling. She loved Kanao and never wanted to see anything happen to her, she was her sister too. In fact, Shinobu felt like she'd known Kanao her whole life! She couldn't imagine a day without her, so they might as well be blood-related, but she was furious. She was mad at the demon who killed Kanae, mad at everyone who seemed to have moved on, but most angry at herself. She couldn't let go. That anger was all she had left of her sister.

Hot tears were pouring down Shinobu's cheeks as she tried furiously to wipe them away with her sleeve, consequently forgetting about her scars and feeling the pain of friction against them. "How could you not feel guilty?" She barely whimpered out, not able to look Kanao in the eyes as her vision of the ground below her grew blurry. She curled her knees into her chest, sitting on the wooden floor an inch away from the edge where it dropped to the bright green grass. Scorching sunlight beat down on Shinobu's black uniform and dark hair, heating up her already flushed and suffocating face.

It wasn't long before Shinobu heard a ping come from in front of her, recognizing the sound as Kanao flipping the coin their sister had given her. There was a long pause, and by long meaning feeling like eternity, the only audible thing being Shinobu's own quieting sobs and sniffles, before she heard the crunch of short, dry grass under booted feet.

The silence was slowly killing Shinobu's weak heart. Every second she didn't look up was a stab in the chest. You don't deserve to look her in the face now. Kanao reached Shinobu's curled up form and sat down beside her, feet touching the grass below.

"I stopped talking on my own. . . because I thought there was no point in expressing my emotions," Kanao began. Her voice was so soft and unreal that Shinobu felt like she hadn't heard it in ages. "In my childhood, I cried and pleaded for better things a lot. . . When nothing happened, I stopped caring. There was no point in what I wanted because I could never have it."

Shinobu looked at her with a frown, tears still lacing her eyelashes.

"Of course I'm grateful that you two took me in. I would have died if you didn't. I wouldn't have cared. You and Kanae-chan gave me a home. But the way I want to keep that home is to protect it, to kill demons. It's what you want, so it's what I want," Kanao turned to face Shinobu with a grin. "If I focus on the past, how could I protect this home from the future?"

Shinobu bit her lip, thinking and turning back to look at her now uncurling legs. "But wasn't the past so much better?"

Kanao flipped her coin again. It landed on heads, and, seeing the result, Kanao let it rest beside her as she turned to give Shinobu a hug. Kanao rested her forehead on Shinobu's shoulder. "Not for me."

Shinobu finally took a chance to smile. Feeling the upward curl of her own lips, she hugged back like the big sister she was meant to be. However, she couldn't bring herself to say the words, "me too" back yet. Thankfully Kanao must have sensed it because she squeezed her torso harder after she felt the reciprocation. They remained that way until the sun began to set and the scent of udon and fresh shrimp wafted from the kitchen. Aoi was cooking again. Considering how far the kitchen was from here, she was making a lot too, probably for the hospitalized slayers.

"We better go help her." Shinobu let her hand stroke Kanao's hair.

Kanao smiled but made no motion to indicate joining them besides following Shinobu out of the room.

A few more days had passed by since then, and admittedly, Shinobu was feeling better about, well, everything! She was smiling more genuinely in front of the patients, talking to them more, even trying to be nicer around Giyuu whenever he happened to pass by during a mission. She had let the scars on her forearms heal and burned incense for Kanae without sobbing. She had found new purpose in protecting Kanao. Be strong for her, if not yourself, the voice told her. Kanroji waved excitedly whenever Shinobu saw her. If Shinobu weren't distracted, she may have even been blushing from how adorable Mitsuri looked.

Thoughts of travelling with Kanae, staying up to tell ghost stories, laughing late into the night, and making butterfly ornaments with her were resurfacing, but in a good way. Shinobu remembered those moments fondly, even the ones where Kanae leaned her head on Sanemi's shoulder while they all talked about whatever.

Then one day in the Estate, she overheard some older Kakushis discussing some of the same things they remembered about Kanae. She hid behind the corner.

"She always had that really kind twinkle in her eyes, right? So sparkly," the first one said.

"Yeah. I admired how good she was with crafts and stuff," the other added.

"Can't believe she's gone, man. I mean, I know it's been a while, but still."

"Losing people is just something that comes with the Corps. Can't say I'm surprised," the second Kakushi said.

"But wasn't anyone there with her? Shinobu maybe? I thought they never separated on missions."

"Eh, she was a pillar. No one can really protect them besides themselves."

You weren't good enough, is what Shinobu heard out of that. She hung her head, concealing smile still on her face.

"They can still try. The pillars are so much stronger and more important than all of us."

"What are you saying? Would you rather Shinobu-san had died?"

"I-I'm not wishing ill on anyone!" The first Kakushi frantically responded. Shinobu could practically feel the anxious sweating on them. "All I'm saying is even if she were gone, Kanae-san would still be here . . . I'm just stating facts. You know, a life for a life. Not that they were equal or anything."

Shinobu's heart took a rapid dive straight to her stomach. All the those horrible thoughts of never matching up to her sister came back: Never enough, never enough, never enough, never enough, never enough, they chanted. Worthless, worthless, worthless, they sang. Shinobu felt sick, the blood pounding in her ears drowning out any more of the Kakushis' words. Despite it all, she turned the corner with a close-eyed smile to face the two bad-mouthing her.

"The truth hurts, you know," she said, smile never leaving her beautifully poisonous features.

The Kakushis trembled in fear; they'd been found out! Not even demons plus the pillars facing them could invoke such terror. The one that had spoke last was shaking down to their toes.

"I'd advise you to think before you act," Shinobu opened her eyes and placed a finger to her lips, "Really, it's such a simple lesson, I thought everyone learned it when they were children. Oh wait, you still are aren't you?" Shinobu's palm covered her mouth as her smile faded.

The Kakushis bolted away without a second glance back.

They hate you. They want you dead. No one likes you, you have no one. Kanao— No one! Kanae was the one who first saw her, Kanao would have been saved even without you!

Shinobu left the Estate, telling Aoi she was fine when she passed by and said she just needed fresh air. She walked calmly to a secluded garden she knew resided just outside of town. The voices swarmed her head, creating a whirlwind of hatred growing louder and louder until she couldn't even hear the birds anymore. She took a left on the dirt path before town, then branched off into the grassy area beside the looming forest. A clear blue pond reflected the beaming sunlight from above, refreshing, cooling. Shinobu sat cross-legged before the rocks lining the shore.

She rolled up her sleeves to begin her calming process, an addict to the most painful drug in the world. Shinobu tore the bandages off, staring at the scabbed, healing slashes. It had been five days. Five days since she made any new ones. She thought back to the first time she placed a blade against her bare skin. She remembered feeling disgusted, the way the veins trembled under the stinging air, how the blood oozed out lazily and tickled as it dripped from her elbow. Seeing demon blood on a daily, weekly basis didn't phase her, but this was her own sacrifice. Feeling what the demons felt made her no more sympathetic for them. However, she could understand now why some people said demons begged for death. Remaining under eternal torture of all kinds would be hell, especially when one couldn't even recall their own past life to be reminded why they deserved it.

Withdrawing her blade of wisteria poison (if it affected humans in small quantities, she'd likely be dead by now), Shinobu did what came naturally.

She sat there for what felt like hours, crying.

Time. I just need time.

But you have time.

No, to think. To ask why I still can't go a day without thinking about her.

Cause you haven't moved on.

To ask why I couldn't save her, why I'm still weak, why I can't even cut a demon's head off before those weaker than me get hurt, why I can't tell people anything, why they don't like me.

Shinobu sucked in a quick breath when she looked down at her bloodied arms. She could barely hold the sword anymore, but she still dipped it into the lake to wash off the blood, holding on with both hands as to not drop it. Once it was clean, she slid it back into its sheath and wrinsed her arms. The cool water felt good against the burning slits, like ice on fire. Cold seeped in where angry heat once was, leaving Shinobu numb on the walk back to the Butterfly Estate, her smile back in place.

That is, before she saw Mitsuri coming her way with an excited grin. No, not now, not nownotnownotnownotnow—

"Shinobu-chan! Hiiii! How've you been doing?" Mitsuri was now two feet away from her, blocking the road back home.

"Ah! Great, Mitsuri-san," Shinobu smiled.

"What are you doing out here? Certainly not shopping, you don't have any bags with you!" Mitsuri giggled.

There was silence as Shinobu tried to think of an answer. Quick, lie! Tell her you were looking for something but they didn't have it in stock!

Before she could reply, Mitsuri looked down. Hearing a plip on the dirt pathway, Shinobu cursed her luck.

"Blood. . . " Mitsuri muttered. She looked up at Shinobu, then back down. Finally, her gaze shifted to the butterfly girl's arm as her eyes widened. "Show me your arm." She whispered, tears forming in her beautiful pink eyes.

"Oh please, it's noth—"

Mitsuri's hand dashed to Shinobu's arm and stretched it out between them. Sticky blood smeared onto Mitsuri's fingers along with Shinobu's. Shinobu attempted to pull away, but refrained after the first tug caused what felt like a tearing feeling. Before Mitsuri could roll the sleeve up, Shinobu said, "Please, not here. There's a crowd."

Mitsuri looked around, then pulled Shinobu to the back of the stone wall behind the plenty of shopping tents at the front of town. She dragged her out to the grassy plains, stopped to lift her arm once again, and carefully rolled up the slayer uniform's sleeve. A gasp left her fragile pink lips.

"How long has this been going on?" Mitsuri asked, looking Shinobu in the eyes. Her voice was so much more serious than Shinobu had ever heard it. Was she mad?

"I assure you—"

"How. Long?" Mitsuri's voice cracked, weakening as tears welled up for her friend.

Shinobu sighed in defeat. "Two months and two weeks."

"Two month—" Mitsuri covered her gasp with her hand. "Sh-Shinobu. . ."

If the situation wasn't awkward before, it was now. Mitsuri was crying for her while all Shinobu could do was stand there awkwardly, not meeting the love pillar's eyes.

"Listen!" Mitsuri's wobbly yet commanding voice suddenly helped them both snap their attentions back to each other. "I don't care what else you do in the next few days, but besides whatever that is, patch these up, don't take the bandages off—don't even think of touching your sword—and come with me on a trip."

"A trip?" Shinobu was taken aback. Her eyebrows turned into a squiggle of confusion.

"Yes, I said come with me on a trip in three days. I've been meaning to get my sword polished up and take a relaxing vacation to the swordsmith village, and you're coming with me now! They have healing hotsprings and plenty of good food! You're my friend. You can tell me everything there." Mitsuri stared at Shinobu, waiting for an answer.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. ". . . Okay."

Over the next three days, Shinobu let her scars heal, did as Mitsuri told her out of fear of her telling the other Butterfly Estate residents, and left her nichiirin blade in Kanae's old room. This was going to be stressful and difficult. . . But it's a vacation. You'll be free from this place soon enough. It was kind of exciting, Shinobu thought. She'd never had a friend willing to do so much for her.

Shinobu informed Aoi and Kanao of her and Mitsuri's trip, and immediately they were agreeing that she should go, or at least Aoi was outloud. The blue-eyed girl said she deserved a break and agreed to take on a few more tasks around the Estate for the couple days Shinobu would be gone.

Throughout the grueling process to get to the swordsmith village, Shinobu wondered if Mitsuri would get there before her. Will I be alone there? A lot of people are involved in this. . . What if I have to wait until she's there because they could only take one person at a time? What will I do alone for a day or so? Thankfully, Shinobu's questions didn't have to be addressed, as she saw Mitsuri greeting the village leader, thanking him for allowing them to visit. Shinobu wasn't sure what strings Mitsuri pulled to get her this far, if any, but she was glad she did. Normally, Shinobu thought, younger slayers like herself probably weren't allowed to come here unless given special permission. Though, she supposed she was technically a pillar now. She attended the meetings, was assigned tougher missions more often, was training underlings, and she had perfected everything she knew about. She could take the title now if she was ready—the others probably already thought of her that way—but something was still holding her back.

Mitsuri bounced her way over to Shinobu once her flexible sword was taken away for repairs. "Okay, Shinobu-chan! First stop: hotsprings!"

The way up to the springs was quiet, Mitsuri leading since she knew where the place was. Sunlight got blocked by the thick forest treetops and the season was quickly changing to autumn, so the shaded mountain was perfectly cool for a hot bath. While Mitsuri wore only a towel the whole way up, Shinobu was still dressed, not wanting to risk anyone seeing her wounds. Once they were there, she changed to the towel as Mitsuri waded in.

Once Shinobu was situated in the steaming, foggy water, she immediately felt a wave of relief. She expected the water to hurt her arms, but surprisingly, it felt soft. It was comparable to the heat under a heavy blanket, being squashed between cushions and cotton for hours. Mitsuri was right, she realized. The hotsprings were healing and peaceful. She sank down to her neck and leaned against the outer edge with closed eyes.

"So . . . why?" Mitsuri whispered.

". . . Ever since my sister died, I felt responsible." Shinobu figured that was a decent start. Part of her couldn't believe she was opening up about this, but the other part knew this was good for her. She went on to explain how she believed the world was moving too fast for her to catch up, how she wanted to dwell on the past. She told Mitsuri about feeling weak, hating to be helped, wanting to be independent. She told her about the Kakushis, replacing her sister, believing she would never measure up to the hole left for her to fill. Throughout everything she spilled, Mitsuri listened. She listened and stared as Shinobu felt her lips curl upwards and downwards. Her mind told her to be strong, then doubted if it was right in the moment. Letting everything out into the open felt so damn relieving. She didn't have to worry in Mitsuri's presence; she knew the girl was kind and caring and fun and helpful. She didn't have to carry all this weight on her own.

When Shinobu was done, Mitsuri gave her a small, pitiful smile. It wasn't necessarily aimed towards Shinobu, but at herself. She hated not being able to see what her friend was actually feeling and wanted to rip out her braids for not being there sooner. She couldn't believe after all this time without Kanae around that she had fallen into the fantasy that everyone had moved on. "I'm sorry for not being there sooner," was all Mitsuri could think to say.

"I-it's fine, really. I had Kanao-san and Aoi-san around," Shinobu said.

"No, it's not! We all should have been there for you," Mitsuri replied. "We were so caught up in slaying more demons that we didn't really think. . . But you're one of us now, and we look out for each other." Mitsuri smiled confidently, pumping her fist in the air.

Shinobu giggled at the sight.

"Don't worry, though," Mitsuri's soft voice said, "I won't tell anyone. As long as you stop, that is. A-and before you say anything about that, what I mean is at least try! Everyone in the Corps cares about you, especially us closest to you like Kanao-chan, Aoi-chan, me, and the rest of the pillars! Those Kakushi are dumb and mean and they didn't know what they were saying! Oyakata-sama would be devastated if he were to lose anyone else. If you have to think about it, don't stay strong for us, stay strong for yourself and Kanae-chan's memory!"

Shinobu's heart warmed at Mitsuri's kind words. She wasn't sure she would ever feel this comforted without Kanae around. Tears pricked at her eyes as she laughed. Confused at that reaction, Mitsuri tilted her head.

"Thank you, Mitsuri-san," Shinobu eventually replied. She didn't even know why she was laughing, but it felt good to do so.

Overall, the trip was so much better than Shinobu initially planned. She hardly had those depressing thoughts while Mitsuri was around to give such a positive atmosphere, which made the whole experience worth it. Shinobu took walks in the woods to appreciate nature and the beauty of green leaves changing to red, orange, and yellow. She had so many delicious meals, it was difficult to keep track of what she wanted to make again back at home. The best parts were making butterfly hair ornaments for Mitsuri, painting, and of course more trips to the hotsprings. Despite the nights where she would keep a kitchen knife under her pillow just in case, Shinobu felt like she could have stayed here in this peaceful realm forever.

Then she remembered all the people she wanted to protect. She missed Kanao, her little sister. She missed Aoi, her beloved helper and friend. Shinobu wanted to get back to fighting demons and assisting the Slayer Corps. For the first time in a long while, Shinobu felt happy. She loved her place in the world and wanted to get back to it.

On the way back to the Butterfly Estate, Mitsuri had an idea. "Hang on Shino-chan!"

Shinobu blushed at the new nickname that Mitsuri started calling her by. "I told you not to call me that!"

"B-but that's no fun! I like having nicknames for my friends!" Mitsuri pouted. She placed a hand on Shinobu's shoulder and tugged gently toward the shopping district of town. It had been five days since their vacation started, so Shinobu's cuts were mostly healed. A few more days and the dried blood and scabs would be nearly gone. "Anyways, I wanted to stop somewhere!"

"Oh yeah? Where?" Shinobu curiously tagged along behind her.

"Just an idea I had, you'll find out later!" Mitsuri arrived in front of an old ceramics store which appeared to also sell fabrics and other homemaking or artistic supplies. From the looks of it, her and the shop owner were friends. Mitsuri had her wait outside, but Shinobu didn't mind. She looked out at the crowd in the streets, and for once, she felt like one of them. She knew Kanae would have wanted her to be happy all along. And she wasn't quite there yet, but. . . This was a start.

"Ready to go?" Mitsuri asked, coming out of the shop with a bag full of. . . something.

"Yeah, what'd you get?" Shinobu asked. They started walking back.

"I told you it was a surprise! I propose . . .," Mitsuri spun in a circle before pointing at Shinobu, ". . . that you invite Mui-kun over in four days and we have a get-together!"

"Mui-kun?" Shinobu questioned.

"Muichiro-kun, the mist pillar! He's usually spacing out, blue hair?" Mitsuri elaborated.

"If you think you can order me to invite people to my house then sadly, you're mistaken," Shinobu teased with a smile.

"W-well—"

"No, no, it's perfectly alright. I'd be glad to hang out with more of the pillars," Shinobu said, waving off Mitsuri's concern. "Why four days though?"

"I have some missions to take care of, mediocre demons gathering and hunting in the same areas, and I'm sure you'll have another soon enough, plus I'm sure you have stuff to do at the Estate. They've let us take a surprisingly long reprieve," Mitsuri said. "But is it okay with you?"

"Yes, no problem. Four days from now, three o'clock," Shinobu confirmed with a close-eyed smile.

Mitsuri grinned.

Sure enough as Mitsuri thought, things at the Butterfly Estate were getting piled up. Recent injured swordsmen came in needing more painkillers that went out a few hours ago, and Aoi was getting overwhelmed between chores, taking care of the patients, and keeping up stock. Shinobu felt bad for the hardworking girl, but when she apologized, Aoi wanted none of it. She said she was doing just fine and didn't need Shinobu's help just yet. However, seeing as Shinobu was back and didn't have much to do, Aoi let her take over because it was her official job.

Things went normally for the next few days: Shinobu made more medicine, experimented with some new herbs from the market, bandaged the wounded, and trained her tsuguko as well as other apprentices. She found time to burn incense for Kanae when she could, though visiting her old room was still painful. The last thing she did was apologize to Sanemi. He didn't seem that affected, only shrugged her off with a "Yeah, whatever." Shinobu found Muichiro at a koi fish pond in the east on the way to her own mission and told him of Mitsuri's idea, even writing a note so he wouldn't forget. The voices in her head still remained: They don't like you, too weak, not enough, but they were fainter and less frightening than before. A few times, she glanced at her sword and thought, Maybe one or two wouldn't hurt. Then she thought of Mitsuri and all the people she had mentioned that cared about herself. Shinobu's mind was strong. She wouldn't break down easily like before. There were now only white lines left on her arms from what she'd done a week and a half ago, and she was proud of how far she had come.

Kanae rested in Shinobu's mind. The demon that killed her would pay for what he'd done, no doubt about it. Shinobu would get revenge if it was the last thing she did. For now though, she would focus on the present, the people she could help, and the things she could perfect further before that day came.

The fourth day arrived, as well as Mitsuri and Muichiro at Shinobu's doorstep. Shinobu invited them in, taking them to the same room that she once took the group of three to, the one that overlooked the backyard garden. She offered them tea as any host would.

"Okay, Mitsuri, what's this all about? What's in the bag?" Shinobu asked lightly, setting her teacup on the floor beside her.

Mitsuri carefully took the bag from behind her back and dumped the contents onto the floor. Muichiro's glance went toward the commotion instead of the garden. Markers, brushes, paints, and paper all spilled out in a rainbow of color.

"Art supplies?" Muichiro mumbled, mostly to himself.

"Yes!" Mitsuri exclaimed. "We're the artsiest bunch around, I think!"

"How do you know that? I've never painted a day in my life," Muichiro said, voice quiet and monotone.

"Well, it doesn't matter if you aren't skilled, just that you have fun!" Mitsuri said. She was holding a paintbrush in each hand, ready to get to work.

"If you say so," Shinobu said, smiling as she took some paper and a few markers to place in front of herself.

Muichiro glanced at the two and decided to join, knowing he didn't have much choice. Shinobu left to get some water to add to the other two's paints. Before long, Shinobu had an intricately drawn purple butterfly with ornate detail, Muichiro had been painting the sky outside, and Mitsuri painted some very realistic food.

"My, Mitsuri-san, you are quite the artist," Shinobu said, suddenly feeling a bit down at her own piece. The left side was lopsided compared to the right, and a lot of her lines were wobbly.

"I really like yours though!" Mitsuri giggled. Shinobu noticed she switched hands often.

"Are you ambidextrous?"

"Yup!" Mitsuri exclaimed. "It kinda just happened because I liked to paint and eat at the same time."

"If you ate paint when you were younger, it would explain some things," Muichiro spoke up from the sunnier side of the room.

"Hey!"

Shinobu laughed, then realized Mitsuri was inching towards Muichiro with a paintbrush full of green in hand. She refrained from saying anything when Mitsuri turned to her with a finger to her lips. "Shh!" Quick and short, but Muichiro still turned around to see what was going on. He found Mitsuri on all fours with a paintbrush reaching out towards his face. She had paused, embarrassed and flushed red until he turned around fully, sat cross-legged, and closed his eyes, inviting her to paint on his face.

"Boop!" A dot right on his nose. The girls giggled and Muichiro slowly started to smile. As Mitsuri painted on cat whiskers and changed the color to pink for hearts, Muichiro actually laughed at the tickling sensation of bristles on his cheeks. Joining in the fun, he took the blue he was working with before and drew circles up and down Mitsuri's right arm, like bubbles. Mitsuri invited Shinobu over, and she brought a royal purple and all the markers she was using before.

They were all drawing on each other, just little designs and patterns they each liked. Moving onto marker was the smarter choice, because then they didn't have to wait for it to dry. Shinobu drew a butterfly on the back of each of Muichiro's hands and a sunflower on Mitsuri's forehead. Muichiro painted red swirls on Shinobu's cheeks. Mitsuri attempted to dye Shinobu's bangs blue, but Shinobu wouldn't let her.

"Too bad!" Mitsuri had said and splashed the container into Shinobu's face.

"You think you're getting away with that?" Shinobu's exterior was calm, but inside was a raging fire. She splattered yellow onto Mitsuri's clothes and they both erupted into a fit of laughter before deciding that yes, that was going too far.

After the peak of the paint fight was over, Muichiro had gone back to drawing scenery and birds, though he thought they weren't very good. When he wasn't looking, Shinobu let Mitsuri roll up her uniform sleeve and gently draw orange flowers sprouting from green vines with the markers. The design was simple and elegant. Mitsuri's gentle touch was welcomed where once only pain resided. She focused so intently—her head bent down inches before Shinobu's arm, the careful traces bending as much around the white indentations as possible—that the gesture felt like the closest thing Shinobu would ever get to being in love.

Mitsuri took the paint supplies with her once the excitement of the afternoon was over. Shinobu told her she wouldn't be needing them with how busy she was around the Butterfly Estate. However, Mitsuri insisted she keep the markers, saying she was much better with those anyway. The three had rubbed off as much paint from their faces as they could so they could go out in public without looking like clowns, but ultimately it needed to be taken care of at home.

Muichiro left, the orangey evening sunlight complimenting all his blue, as Mitsuri called out to him, "Don't forget, you still have remnants of whiskers on your cheeks, Mui-kun!" Regular access to a mirror out here was fairly out of the question. He waved without looking back, so Mitsuri turned to Shinobu.

"Thank you again for spending time with me," Shinobu said, "I don't know where I'd be without all your care."

"Don't thank me! I-I hardly even knew what to do when you told me about. . ." Mitsuri shifted back and forth, looking down at the ground. "I mean, I was scared for you and I didn't want that to happen anymore."

"I'm doing a lot better now though, thanks to your kindness. You helped me realize that there are people in this world that still need me, still like me," Shinobu replied. She poured all of her gratitude into a smile, nothing fake this time.

Out of the blue, Shinobu felt soft lips against her cheek. A quick peck, hardly anything before Mitsuri pulled away.

"You are loved," Mitsuri agreed. "Please, take care of yourself. If you ever feel like cutting your arms again, try to reach for a marker instead." She grinned, waved, and walked off without another word.

Shinobu took that to heart.

Kanae was less prominent in her mind as the weeks turned into months. All that Shinobu carried with her now was hatred for the demon that killed her. She repeated what Kanae had told her about him every night. When the feelings of uselessness resurfaced though, Shinobu alternated between a cut every now and then to none at all. She would always feel guilty when she returned home from a mission unscathed and other slayers needed treatment for their wounds or funerals for their deaths. Her emotions felt jumbled most nights, and she really tried to just sleep and push past them. When that wasn't enough, she held the box of markers from that day close to her chest.

Slowly, the cuts from losing younger slayers and feeling worthless turned into bright yellow daisies, green frogs, or blue butterflies on her arms. Shinobu would show up to pillar meetings looking forward more and more to seeing her friends.

Before she knew it, the season was spring: the time for new beginnings, for fresh starts. She was on her way out of the Estate for a pillar meeting when Shinobu passed by Kanae's room. One last thing, she thought to herself.

Shinobu entered the darkly lit room and made her way over to the soft futon gathering dust. She picked up the butterfly haori so dear to her heart, shook it out, and slung it on over her shoulders.

Before entering the Ubuyashiki Estate, Shinobu made two promises to herself:

Wear a smile for yourself.

You will always be worthy in her eyes.