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AFTG Summer Day 12 - August 14th Bonfire: Seared Into You ~
It's already dark, stars filling the sky and a chill in the air by the time the bonfire is blazing. But they all sit around it, drinks in hand and close enough that the chill from the cooler night breeze is almost completely ignored by all of them. The bright flames slash through the dark night in flashes of crimson, brilliant orange, vibrant yellows and scorching whites that are fairly mesmerizing. Andrew sighs and glances around at the group crowding around the fire, laughing, joking and roasting marshmallows over the flames.
This crazy bunch of fucking idiots that he's both saddened and happy to call his family, whether that's by blood or just found family. They might be idiots, but they are HIS idiots. Especially the one beside him. His silly little rabbit. Neil, his Neil who has been suspiciously quiet for the last, well he's not even sure how long right now actually and that's never a good thing. Neil 'Rabbit' Josten might run away sometimes, but he doesn't ever do things quietly. He wouldn't know silence if it tried to choke him.
Andrew looks to his left and frowns at what he sees. He's got a marshmallow stabbed onto the end of a stick and he's holding it out towards the flames, except it's actually IN the flames and the sugary creation is melting and dripping like wax from a candle and his stick is seriously in danger of catching fire as well. Fuck!
“Neil!” he hisses quietly trying to capture his attention while not drawing everyone else's. Nothing, not even a flicker of acknowledgement or an intake of breath. Just a glassy, empty eyed stare watching the flames like maybe he wants to jump in there after his sweet or perhaps bolt away from it and never return. It's hard to tell with how intensely his face is focused on the fire before them without seeming to actually see it at all.
That thought disturbs him so deeply, because he's fairly sure he knows where Neil has slipped off to and it's no where good. His heart lurches in his chest and his pulse rises rapidly, a reaction he never thought he'd ever know, but one which hits him with all the weight of a sledgehammer.
“Neil,” he hisses again, nudging Neil with his shoulder. Again nothing. A big fat absolutely nothing. Except that the stick in fact DOES catch fire then. Andrew grabs it swiftly and tosses it into the flames. Still nothing, not even the tiniest glimmer of recognition or care that he almost caught fire!
Andrew looks up and thank fuck that Boyd is paying attention. If he didn't know he was the one dating Neil, honestly he'd probably think it was Boyd doing it instead with how he watches over Neil the way he does. He gives a quick jerk of his head and Boyd unlatches himself from Wilds and, giving the fire a wide berth, makes his way around the fire towards them.
He can feel everyone watching them now but it doesn't matter, because the only thing that even remotely factors into his consideration right now is Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil. There's no room for anything else when he's like this. He should have known this wasn't a good idea, he'd tried to talk Neil out of joining in tonight, but it seemed like despite having been fine so far, the combo of beach, fire and burning things had just... sucked all the life out of his redhead and left him an empty, soulless husk.
“Andrew what the fuck?” Matt asks, nudging his shoulder against Neil's as he sits himself down beside him. No response there either. “Neil? Neil man what's up?”
Andrew shakes his head. He could explain but that would just take too long. “Just hold him. Hold him and keep talking to him, I'll be back in a second.”
He moves to get up but Boyd's... Matt's hand catches his wrist and tugs sharply. He fights back the urge to stab him with everything he has, knows he's just worried for Neil so he allows it, but still shoots him a glare that has him releasing him in record time.
“I'm going to fix it, just... watch him. Make sure he doesn't jump into the fire or some shit.”
Matt's eyes go wide and the whole group goes silent. “You're... You're joking right?”
Nicky speaks next, voice choked off and quiet, his mouth pulled down into a disapproving frown. “That's not funny Andrew.”
Andrew growls, actually growls at them and he can see several sets of eyes on him at that. He grabs Matt's arms, - much to his irritation and confusion given the sharp gasp he gives out - and wraps them around Neil's frame. Even the jostling doesn't get him out of his head. ' Damn it Josten! ' he scolds him inside of his own head and wags a finger at Matt.
“Talk to him, everyone else leave him the fuck alone. I'll be right back.”
He storms away as the group erupts with soft hisses and complaints, but he doesn't care because he can just hear the sound of Matt murmuring to Neil and that's fine. That's enough for now. He rips through their joint room, eagerly seeking out the thing he needs.
“Where the fuck is it Josten?! If you're going to steal my shit at least leave it somewhere I can find it like the rest of your shit,” he complains having turned the room upside down and still finding no sign of it.
He almost gives up in frustration before ripping back the sheets off their bed. A flash of black cloth peeks from beneath Neil's pillow and he feels a moment of triumph and yanks it out. Yep, exactly what he was looking for. Of course the sentimental idiot would keep it there. He can almost feel a hint of a smile breaking out at the idea that Neil slept with Andrew's comfort hoodie under his pillow, but he's still too angry and concerned for his boyfriend to start thinking too much about that.
He stomps down the stairs and out to the firepit they'd set up, but stops short for a second. There's already a blond wearing his face sitting next to Neil, scowl on his face but his hand attempting a vague facsimile of comfort by patting his shoulder.
Huh, well wonders really never will cease it seems. He moves forward again. Matt's face is stricken and the rest of them are all looking at him like he has some magic fix for this. Like he can just snap his fingers and Neil will be fine. He won't. But he can help rouse him from the dark place in his mind and that's a start. He hasn't had to do this in so long, he thought it was over but of fucking course not, because none of them would ever be truly free of the horrors that haunted them, no matter how well they usually traversed those highways and avoided or even confronted them. So no, he doesn't have a fix for this, but he has a way to make it better at least and to start to fix it at least.
He nods at Aaron, who gets up with a nod of his own and returns to Katelyn as quickly as possible. Though, he can feel his gaze keeps flicking over them both and that's a thought for another time. Accepting to be around each other and occasionally talking is one thing, helping his boyfriend while he's having some sort of episode is an entirely different can of worms that he's not yet ready to open right now.
“I've got him,” he tells Boyd, placing the hoodie down on the blanket he'd been sat on previously and kneeling in front of Neil.
Matt releases him reluctantly, but unlike his twin, he doesn't return to his spot. He hovers, like an overprotective helicopter or something. Hands twitching to reach back out for his precious Neil all over again. Cute, but not helpful right now.
“Neil,” Andrew tries again, fingers clutching Neil's chin and turning his face up towards his own.
The fire blazes at his back and fuck it's hot and he's too close but he needs to do this. “Come on silly rabbit. You need to come back to us now. Come back to me.” He presses his forehead to Neil's and closes his eyes.
Neil makes a weird choking sound and then fingers reach out for him, grasping at him with bruising force, nails digging into his skin. He doesn't flinch, not even when that hold turns ever more harsh.
“Drew?” Neil says. His voice is so confused, so lost and small and it makes something inside of Andrew ache. Neil may be short but he is anything but small. He is the loudest, most obnoxious and larger than life figure he's ever met and that includes Kevin and Nicky, which is saying something. He is the exact opposite of small even if his height is the very definition of it.
“Hey. Are you back with us now? You drifted somewhere else.” He can hear everyone else chattering around them once more, Matt still hovering worriedly, but he can't bring himself to give a single damn about any of them right now.
“I...” Neil pauses, choking on words that refuse to leave his throat before he tries again. “Yeah, I'm fine.”
Ah yes, that old call back. 'Hello, nice to hear you again asshole,' Andrew thinks. He shakes his head and straddles Neil's thighs, still uncaring what anyone will make of this. “Bullshit Josten,” he snarls back.
Neil pulls his face back to fix him with an almost effective attempt at a glare and his hands squeeze at Andrew's hips now. “I'm OK now Drew. I... Sorry.”
Brilliant, now he's switched from the ever hated 'fine' to apologising for something that to this day he still doesn't have full control over and honestly who can blame him. The horrors in Neil's background are almost worse than anything any of the rest of them have experienced. Or maybe worse is the wrong word, considering some of the shit they've all gone through, himself included, but there's literally no other word for it that he can come up with right now. There's certainly a lot more of it than even Jean has experienced and that's saying a hell of a lot seeing all that the Ex-Raven has been through.
“Don't be sorry, just be here,” Andrew replies with a frown. And if there's a hint of a bark to his clipped out words, well Neil will forgive him.
“Andrew!” hisses someone from behind him. Dan, he realises belated.
“Neil,” he tries again. “What do you need?”
The redhead cocks his head to the side, blinking heavily as if he doesn't know the answer to the question. He presses his face into Andrew's chest and wraps his arms tightly around him. “You. Need you Drew.” There's a faint tremor to his hold, but Andrew won't bring it up, it won't help so why bother.
Andrew runs a hand through his mop of auburn curls and rests his other hand on the back of Neil's neck, just like he always does. Fingers digging in hard enough to pull him back and ground him, but never to hurt. “I'm right here. You have me, you'll always have me,” he tells him, meaning every damn word. Not even the fucking Mafia or Neil's twisted father had managed to keep them away from each other forever and he won't let anything pull the redhead from his hold ever again. Never again.
“Too much,” Neil murmurs into the curve where his shoulder meets his neck.
Andrew shivers a little but nods. “I know. So what do you need now? Tell me.” He could have said ' tell us, you've got everyone worried you know, ' but that would only serve to guilt Neil into feeling bad and Andrew would never do that.
“Something warm,” Neil mutters back, face buried into Andrew's shoulder now.
He snorts, because yeah he figured that much, hence the hoodie. “Already ahead of you,” he scoots back a little and snatches up the pile of mostly dark cloth. It's black because it's his, but aside from the overlarge sizing of it, there's another reason Neil loves this top more than any other. Andrew's last name is emblazoned across the back, bright orange surrounded by a vivid white outline with a small exy stick below it. Across the front, a huge orange fox paw print surrounded by the same white outline. Of fucking course it was Neil's favourite. He holds it out to Neil, who chokes out a laugh and snatches it from him with a sigh.
He shifts to sit beside him and waves a concerned looking Matt back to the other side of the fire and watches Neil tug it on and drown himself in the large top. It's not huge, but it's slightly large on even Andrew who's shoulders and chest are broader than Neil's own, so it's slightly larger on Neil. But hell if he doesn't look comfy as anything in it.
“Better?” he asks, aware of the looks they're getting but choosing to ignore them for now.
Neil nods. “Yeah.”
He sounds better. One glance at his upturned face tells him he feels better now. Andrew studies him for a second, one arm sliding around his waist and pulling him into his side. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
Neil chances a furtive glance around, utters a soft but fervent, “Fuck!” then shakes his head. “Not now.”
Andrew figured as much and that's fine. They WILL talk about it, but not right now, Neil doesn't need that right now. He just needs to relax, because Andrew can feel his entire body is stiff with tension and probably anger at himself right now and that needs to stop. Recovery isn't a straight line and they both know it. Sometimes the smallest spark can set off a reaction of chain lightning. That was, unfortunately, just the way things went. Sometimes it was two steps forward and then three back. This is a set back but not a permanent one.
He pulls Neil tighter against his side and reaches his other hand up to brush the nest of curls off Neil's forehead in a repeated motion that soothes both their nerves. “What did I tell you about going places I can't follow?”
Neil coughs out a laugh and leans his head on Andrew's shoulder. “Guess I forgot. You'll have to remind me some more.”
“Idiot,” Andrew murmurs back with every ounce of affection he can possibly muster. Even to his own ears though, he sounds pretty damn fond and it sends a shiver down his spine.
“Neil...” a soft voice calls from across the fire.
Neil doesn't turn, just continues to toy with the edge of Andrew's t-shirt, but Andrew does. Everyone's watching them with concern, but the worry plastered on Matt's face is the strongest. Cause of course it is. Andrew snorts and continues carding his hands through Neil's unruly hair. The fire crackles near to them, Neil's hands still clutched in his t-shirt and every now and again a crackle and a sharp pop from the wood burning causes a flare up that lights up Neil's skin with a golden glow, sets his auburn hair ablaze with colour. Andrew can't stop staring every single time.
“They're worried about you,” he murmurs against Neil's neck when the other male doesn't respond to Dan's soft voice.
“I'm alright now. Really, I'm f... I'm OK.”
Everyone gives a little snort at the word he almost used and goes quietly back to enjoying their evening together, but Andrew can feel the eyes that keep trailing over Neil every now and again. Over the both of them. They're still not used to this closeness he supposes. They weren't like this back at Palmetto and they haven't seen each other as much as the rest of them would have liked to in the following years. They don't know fully how he and Neil work and they don't need to. This is for them, it's nobody else's business. But somehow Andrew finds himself just not caring that they know now. This thing between he and Neil is real and serious and everything he never let himself want before. Neil is everything to him and it's about damn time they all learn it and stop wondering or worrying that he's not as good for Neil as Neil tells them he is. Now they know.
Neil lifts a hand after a short while and wiggles it in a weird way. His middle and fore finger held out expectantly and Andrew knows what he wants. It seems counterproductive given what occurred just a short while ago, but they've spoken about this. It's no longer a Mary thing. This is an Andrew thing and it calms Neil down so he supposes he can allow it.
He shifts, keeping the arm locked around Neil's waist but releases his other one from his hair and reaches into his pocket. He slides out a packet of cigarettes out and flicks it open. He tugs just one of them out and places it between his lips. Neil's eyes follow his every movement with much less of that horribly haunted look they held earlier, and he cups his hand around it to help stave off the wind so that the lighter catches the end of it easily.
The flare of colour is eclipsed rather quickly and settles into the soft glow of the cherry of his cigarette burning gently and Neil shifts. Andrew sucks in a breath of acrid smoke and Neil's fingers slide up to grasp the burning object and take it from him. Andrew let's him, watches as he brings it close without even taking it between his lips and he let's out the smoke in Neil's general direction. Instead of freezing up like most people probably would, Neil settles and melts against him with a sigh, rolling the cigarette between his fingers before lifting it up to place it back between Andrew's lips.
Andrew smirks around it and shifts his hand down to grasp at Neil's wrist, feeling his pulse flutter beneath his fingers. It's still beating like a frightened baby bird, or well a jack rabbit actually, but it's not as fast as it was and that's a good thing.
They continue like that, passing the cigarette between them and every time Neil steals it away from him like some wonderful prize and just stares at it in awe. Except for the last time, there's not much left and he moves as though to bring it to his lips, before a startled voice calls out to him and stops him.
“Neil!” Kevin hisses, leaning forwards as though to swipe it out of his hand, eyes blazing with fury and an almost sort of betrayal.
Neil glances up at him and Andrew shrugs back, so he glances over at Kevin and brings it to his lips. He slips it between his lips and takes a deep inhale.
All Andrew can do is snort in amusement and shake his head. If he's feeling sassy, he's feeling better because that's his default method of operation. So Andrew feels a weight he didn't even know he'd been carrying lift from his shoulders.
“Josten!” Kevin hisses again, sandwiched between Jeremy and Jean who are both trying to get him to shut up with soft tugs at his clothing and quiet hisses. Andrew can't do anything but shoot him a twisted smirk.
He snatches the almost finished cigarette from Neil's unresisting fingers and pulls in the final lungful as Neil releases his own. He tosses the finished butt into the fire and turns back to Neil with a question in his eyes. Neil's eyes are still a little lost, but there's a hint of his usual fierceness shimmering in the depths and that's enough to make Andrew lean down. He cups his chin in his hand, thumb rubbing against his cheek and teasing at the edge of his lips. He doesn't ask, not for something so simple as a kiss, not any more, but Neil nods anyway and he leans down, their mouths slotting together easily. The familiar warmth of Neil's lips against his own, sends a shiver down Andrew's spine once more and he pulls back to whistles and cat calls all around them. He thinks there might have been an 'Oh god not again,' in there somewhere too, but it's kind of hard to pay attention right now.
He sends a universal 'fuck you,' to all of them by flipping them the bird and looks down to catch Neil staring at him in awe. He huffs. “You need to rest, go to sleep, I'll wake you when it's time for bed,” he murmurs as though they are the only ones left in the world, despite being surrounded by their family and friends.
Neil sighs, but he shifts, moving to lay on his side, facing towards Andrew, another question on his face. Andrew's thumb brushes over the cut scars on his cheek, flicking briefly to the burns on the other one and he nods. Immediately Neil's head is in his lap, arms flung haphazardly around his waist and face buried against his lower stomach.
Andrew shifts, fingers scratching lightly at his scalp. If Neil were a cat, he'd be purring exactly like Sir and King right now, and he swears, if he listens closely, he can almost hear it. How can someone so loud and utterly annoying have become the most precious thing in his entire universe? How could he slowly and carefully dismantle every wall Andrew built and become his everything with snarky comments and a stupidly fierce attitude? He'd still never figured out how it could happen so clearly and easily but he could no longer bring himself to even pretend he disliked it. Well most of the time anyway.
Their life isn't all sunshine and rainbows and sometimes they pick too hard a scab that isn't ready to be removed just yet. But they always work through it, because whether they are ready or not, they pick at things that need to be picked at and only by each other.
Multiple pairs of eyes are on him and he hates it. Not because it makes me him feel known or even seen, just because this sort of thing is for them, it's always been a them only thing and he'd happily keep it that way forever. Except for the fact that Neil needs this and moving him when he's so worn down just isn't the right idea. So he settles down, ignores the stares and the soft whispers, shoots an occasional glare at one or multiple people and runs his hands through Neil's hair. He gently untangles it with deliberate but careful precision.
He watches over him until the fire begins to die, the chill becoming more pronounced and their friends and family huddle closer together, unwilling to let their sense of peace and family go but getting too cold to stay here. Neil needs to sleep properly, they all do and fuck, if they aren't willing to take care of themselves, then it looks like it's up to Andrew to take care of that for them.
“OK rabbit, time for bed now. Come on, get up.” He nudges Neil who grumbles and grips him tighter but otherwise ignores him. “Neil. Up, go to fucking bed,” he adds a little louder, finger poking at the redhead's cheek to add more authority to his order.
Everyone around them begins to grumble and slowly moves to start getting up. Neil however just bats his hand away and then covers his mouth with a wide yawn.
“Why? I'm comfy here.”
Andrew sighs. Of course he is, but as warm as the days may be here, the nights can be chilly and they'll probably freeze. Which sounds way less fun than just about anything else Andrew can think of.
“Nope, come on. Up. Bed now.”
“Okay.”
Neil blinks at him, glances around to see all their friends and family packing up around them. He moves to get out of Andrew's lap and Andrew frowns. Because no, that just won't do. He stops Neil from moving too far and tugs at his sleeve, eyebrow raised in a sort of question. One that isn't new to either of them, but not usually in front of others.
He moves to kneel beside him now and holds his arms out, opened wide for him to crawl into. “Arms,” he states simply.
Neil's eyes light up with mischief and he pulls himself into Andrew's hold and flings his arms up around his neck, head flopping to rest against his neck. Andrew scoops him up with one arm around his back and the other under the back of his legs and stands up. He moves slowly so as not to topple them both over and turns to walk into the house.
“Whooo!” Matt hollers with a wide grin. “That's kinda hot!”
Dan smacks him across the back of the head and Nicky just stands stock still gaping at him. As though Neil weighs all that much and this is some impressive feat. As though he doesn't already know how strong Andrew is.
He rolls his eyes and ignores the wolf whistles and calls going on behind them, only to turn forward and find Neil looking up at him with a sleepy but soft grin on his face. Fucking hell, it really is a wonder how he hasn't murdered all these people before, because damn them all and damn his silly rabbit for making him do this.
Neil's fingers are not idle, trailing slow patterns into the skin at the back of his neck and he almost stumbles up the stairs because of it. “Stop that,” he scolds seriously.
Neil shrugs in his hold, hums softly and leans in to kiss at his neck. “No,” he whispers back. Because of course he does.
He makes it to their room without dropping Neil, either by accident or on purpose and honestly debates dumping him unceremoniously onto their bed. But when he glances down at Neil, his hand is curled into the hair at the back of his neck and his eyes are already half closed and drifting into that half dazed look once more. Fine, he won't toss him on the bed. He places him down instead and unwinds Neil's arms from around his neck.
He strips his shoes, socks and jeans off, but leaves his t-shirt and the hoodie on, knowing Neil likes to sleep in it when he can. He looks at him for a moment and then shoves at Neil lightly. “Get under the covers, I'll be right back.”
Neil huffs at him, fixing him with an only half hearted glare, or at least an attempt at one, and it's not very effective. He squirrels himself away under the sheets and Andrew turns to undress himself this time. He strips to his underwear and slides between the sheets, facing Neil who shifts onto his side, hand held out towards him. Andrew sighs, and runs a hand through Neil's hair one final time before grasping his hand in his own and lacing their fingers together.
“Where did you go?” he finds himself asking, hazel eyes tracing every inch of Neil's face to submit it to memory as though he hasn't done this a million times before.
“I was just... and then the fire and the burning,” Neil whispers back so quietly it's as though he thinks saying it louder will destroy something. Maybe him.
“I know,” Andrew replies, because well he does. They've been through this. Neil doesn't need to remember and Andrew doesn't need to know. “Hey, I've got you,” he adds.
Neil shifts closer, their hands clutched tight together between them and Andrew doesn't need to think about it, he presses a brief kiss to Neil's lips. Neil, junkie that he is though, leans closer and moans softly, begging for more. And he would give it to him, if Neil wasn't so emotionally and mentally worn out right now and in need of sleep, not a make out session. Still, he kisses back for a moment, lips soft and warm against each other. Tongues sliding over each other in languid movements that make his entire body feel hot.
He pulls back with a little puff of breath, licks his lips and then moves his head back a little, despite Neil's grumbled protest. “You need to sleep. We'll continue this in the morning, maybe.”
Neil's response can only be described as a whining growl of complaint. It's cute. He hates that he thinks that, but fuck it is. “Fine, but only because you let me keep the hoodie.”
Andrew snorts, flops onto his back and tugs at Neil. He gets the hint quickly and flops on top of him, causing Andrew to let out an 'Ooof!' in protest. He pokes Neil for that but let's him squirm until he's comfortable, legs tangled, Neil's head cushioned on his chest and Andrew's arms wrapped tight around him. “No more fire shit for you.”
“No more fires or shit,” Neil confirms, fingers rubbing idly up and down Andrew's bare arm. He lets out a yawn once more and finally settles completely down, his body a warm heavy weight against his chest that Andrew has had to fight for years to accept. One he's glad he came to be comfortable with because being able to give Neil the security he so needs right now is something they both relish.
“Sleep,” he commands one last time.
“Mmmm sure.” Neil murmurs back, with that sassy little undercurrent he often uses that says 'sure because it's just that easy' but despite that, his eyes are already drifting closed and he finally seems to calm completely and fall into sleep once more.
“Goodnight silly rabbit,” Andrew finds himself muttering. He closes his own eyes, presses a kiss to the top of Neil's head and waits for sleep to take him as well. Warm and relaxed with Neil in the same state, curled up in his arms like an extremely large cat, it comes surprisingly quickly and the room falls almost silent, with only the soft breaths of two deeply asleep people to break the sound occasionally.