Chapter Text
There used to be a saying that his mother indulged in. She made it a personal goal to remind him about it every chance given. Whether he was simply laying in his mother's lap, cheek pressed flush into the buoyant fabric, ruffles falling down the skirt as if they were waves. A river Kai could smooth his hands over while thin fingers, made from a woman, threaded through the jungle atop his head. They were knives easily cutting through the vines of matted locks. Or maybe when he was running down marbled halls, passing obnoxious paintings of figures he couldn’t bother to remember. Oil paint stiff on the canvas, the eyes of the painted men and women watching his tiny legs blur, passing windows on windows. That tiny child would run until he collided into a familiar woman, welcoming arms embracing his small figure in an embrace. She would then whisper to him the saying once more, as if she was dipping a quail and feather into a pool of ink which was his eyes, and engrained the lettering into his mind, branding it.
" Treat others with kindness, it is god's last gift to man. "
Kai often feels sorry for his mother when he strolls down the same halls mid-noon. The paintings in place with large panels of glass that let in shaded sunlight, for the woman, put so much effort into his being, molding the glop of mismatched morals and impish formality into a boy she deemed artistic enough to put on display. Some may confuse his mother as someone manipulative when put into this tense, but Kai is quick to deny allegations, explaining that no, he was not just one of his mother's art pieces, but he was of her creation, an honor, and pride to be of. Because nobody could be like him, so carefully sculpted and loved. He wasn’t the same sculpture that the fine knights that prowled the walls of the castle, delegated and entitled to their hardened masks of clay were. He was much different. He appreciated the soft hands and fingers that prodded in his personality. He was kind ( as his mother had wanted ), mature, forgiving, to a point where he wasn't sure what had gone wrong in the making. He blasted in the oven, bits, and pieces of him flying everywhere and ruining the others around him. Half of his face left untouched, the other side completely bizarre, a gaping hole that peered into his body. He can only be grateful that his mother was no longer awake to see the mess that he had become behind her back. And she would never. His father, who had tampered with the process, prepared this outburst, nurtured it over time, and Huening Kai accepted who he was today. Not broken, for a piece that had been born that way could not, but misshapen.
He can thank the most toxic parts of his personality to his father, the giving hand to his life. His mother had no power to redirect his outlook on given duty, and his obligations as the first and only prince. He had no intention to change his ways either, so there he sits, on a golden chair, a bit smaller and thinner than the grander, sitting beside him, alone in the courting room. Beams of yellow light reflecting off stained panes and sashes of maroon draped over clearer, more pristine windows, blocking any further light. Not even a guard or a maid was present in Kai’s silence, but he made it obvious that he preferred it this way. The only salvation he could offer was keeping himself away from others, bitter tone and disgusting words at bay when not. He enforced his power and his status for his luxury, in hopes of demanding control that he had lost in the oven when he was vulnerable and soft enough for anyone to hold. He scorns his mother as much as he adores her. Its a scale of opposing and willing forces that he is forced to live with, every waking hour because even if he missed the child he was born as he hates her for how unprepared he had made her for this life.
Kai turns his head to the side, admiring the bubbles in the glass, passing the time until advised otherwise. His mother once told him the glass were memoirs of events deemed important.
He thinks it's bullshit.
On the wide and looming art piece, is a rainbow of slanted glass all pointing to the middle, an angular child in the hands of grace meld into it. That was supposed to be the prince, but he believes the child is much too weak to represent the likes of him.
He could crush the infant beneath his boot, blood splashing and pooling around his heels.
Kai wonders when he had become so insensitive towards humanity, but the thought of being happy with another burns his insides, causing him to shift in his seat and focus elsewhere. He’s thankful for the distraction when he notices the grand door to the room creak open, a small man entering immediately with his head bowed down. His mother would have never approved of such a thing but Kai wasn’t anything like his mother. He believes that others think he encourages this type of formal respect, out of conceit and snark, but he truly feels a bit more at ease when he is barely acknowledged. Not having to understand that the person in front of him sees him as another human, instead of a god that simply relays instructions and punishments.
He is simply a staff and a hand that guides the country, not a person, and that is the only way to live.
“ Your royal highness? “ a stern voice enters the silence.
Huening Kai thinks he is commendable for opening a way into conversation first. He appreciates it.
“ What is it? “ Kai answers back, harsh and menacing. It’s a type of dialect that cut’s through all senses of comfort, setting an atmosphere that neither party could relax in. In other words, it's intentionally uncomfortable.
Taehyun, the advisor, is taken back despite the amount of time he had been given to assimilate to the type of speech. He supposes it's because he had just returned from a one week vacation to visit his own family, the duke, and duchess of Incheon, that he has yet to build his walls once more, becoming the indifferent boy Huening Kai had praised him to be.
“ Your Majesty, the king, suggests a past time. Are you willing? “ Taehyun answers, body still bent at a ninety-degree angle.
Kai taps the side of his cheek, digging a nail into the thin flesh before pulling his hand away. He had a terrible habit of pinching or nicking his skin. He had never seen it as a problematic habit until he began seeing marks on his arms from the mindless abuse. None of his maids had bothered to tell him against it, fearing his prejudice towards anyone that marked negatively on his being.
This is how it was meant to be.
Regarding Taehyun's request, Huening Kai thought to himself silently. It’s true that he was free, and had every obligation to carry out the king's orders for he had been bored anyway, but he was also not willing, persuaded with the idea of simply rotting into his chair, death slowly overcoming him. That was no way to think for a boy in luxury like him, but he couldn’t help himself, his thoughts often depressed and quick to irritate.
Kai sighed, finding the small task a spark to anger that bubbled inside him. He didn’t want to get angry, he didn’t want to at all, but his words began to slur and come out more forceful than he intended and his limbs tightened.
He abruptly stood from his seat, adjusting the cuffs of his white button-up that draped loosely off his arms. The shirt was a bit too big for him but he had stubbornly threatened the maids to continue dressing him in it, believing he would grow into it.
“ Though I am not willing, when has a king's suggestion ever not been an order in the lying? “ Kai bit back, padding down the stairs with a stomp.
“ Who are we to accompany today? An executive? A duke? A prime minister? Who must I talk endless politics to? “ Kai rambled, passing Taehyun who had been dedicated to his position. He yanked the door open, hurting his shoulder in the process. He winced as he drew his arm close to his own, rubbing at the sore shoulder before continuing to march down the regal hall.
Taehyun had followed behind after a second, keeping his distance.
“ A prince. “ Taehyun answered as if it was the simplest thing in the world.
“ In the left-wing garden, enjoying scones and tea. Had the king not mentioned his arrival? He is a small prince. No need to dress up well. Only a bit older so please, take heed of yourself. “
Kai stopped in his tracks, releasing his arm as he whipped himself back around. He seethed at the thought. Another prince? Close to his age and without prior warning? Why he could have made a fool of himself, stomping into a garden like a small child. He had yet to prepare himself mentally for such an event, nor the time to straighten out his smile until it was bordering the lines of a frown, or the mental fortitude that kept his personality watered down and minimal. He grabbed Taehyun by the collar, pulling him close as if he was the actual source of his frustrations. Without much thought, the young prince rose his hand, his fingers trembling as he kept himself from slapping the weaker advisor in his grip.
He would have.
He honestly would if it weren't for how Taehyun flinched, arms draped at his side with his head turned to minimize as much pain as he could.
Kai flushed pink, a heavy cream of guilt flooding the folds of his mind. He quickly pushed Taehyun away, running away from the scene as he fled down the hallway. He took a left at the fork, the hallway ending in large glass doors that led to an array of green vegetation.
The words sorry brushed his lower lip as he worriedly pushed himself against the glass door. He was touching the surface, but no amount of pressure could make up for the strength he lacked. Emotions were draining. He knew that better than anyone else. Impulses were based on emotions. So that could only mean they were draining as well.
Flurry of guilt and embarrassment swarmed within him. He had no right. He knew that as a decent person. But he did it anyway. Threatened yet another person.
It wasn’t even his fault a small voice told him.
Kai’s heart twisted painfully, the word’s “ didn’t deserve it ‘ becoming a mantra in his mind. He was fixating on this now, the event replaying and he couldn’t help but think how uncontrollable of a person he was.
Like a monster.
He was either hollow or angry.
He didn’t know what to do with this information. He figures that he’ll shove it away. Cage it in a box because it’s a feeling, and Kai never has the energy or the mental capacity to think of things such as this. As if a part of his brain was missing. The part that allowed him to think logically when it came to himself.
He’s foolish to honestly believe he was meant to be this way.
Kai forced his back to straighten out, his lip no longer tethered between his teeth. He shaped himself back to how he previously was, as alive as he had felt sitting on the throne. He brushed his hair back lazily, his fingers smooth and soft, just a small reminder that he had never lifted a finger for labor in his life. He enters the flourishing and well-groomed garden, fresh air from the outside world blowing against him as he steps into a stoned pathway, patches of grass poking between the stepping stones. He doesn't care much for plants, but he can appreciate the aesthetics. Pastil lilies clumped in bushes and hanging from vines that wrapped around outgrown and shading willows. The garden was a dream, and it does much to impact Kai's current mood, distracting him from the haul of negativity. Kai lets himself be tricked into the allure, hoping the atmosphere will keep his emotions less drastic.
With that, Kai continues to walk down the path, leading to a gazebo dead center of the garden. No trees hung over this area, exposing it to soft sunlight. Inside, a draped table in a greyish purple, decorated with lace upon the surface. A tea set had already been placed, a small plate of cookies and cakes accompanying it. Kai approached the table steadily, finally acknowledging a tall figure who had been peacefully admiring one of the many boxes of flowers further away from the seating. A teacup sat snugly in his hand, the fine china complimenting the gruff fingers wrapped delicately around.
Kai rounded the table, slipping himself into the seat opposite. This had garnered the attention of the other, the boy snapping out of his admirations to bow at the prince, a smile spreading through his face. Kai bowed as well, face still. This must-have confused the other, must've been a shock with how unexpressive and cold Kai came off. Kai noticed his smile faltering, his faith in other crippling.
“ Prince Huening, it’s an honor “ the other prince greeted, placing his cup onto the table.
Kai hummed in response.
“ It is an honor to meet you as well. “
The other prince bowed his head once more in agreement, the two of them falling into an awkward silence.
Kai sighed. “ I beg you to forgive me for my insolence, for I have not been informed you would be arriving. I seem to be left out of the loop in most instances, but I am grateful that you have traveled to come share tea with me. “ Kai replied. Despite his words, the prince shifted uncomfortably, not at all feeling welcomed by his words.
“ It’s not a problem at all, I assure you. I am the Choi lines youngest son. Second in line. I would have come along with my older brother, but unfortunately, he had been sent abroad to another country. Please forgive his absence. You may call me Soobin though. I certainly don't mind. “
Kai raised his eyebrow. The Choi line was a bit less prestigious of a line, a few ranks below the Huenings from what he remembered, but he was still impressed all together that the prince had taken the first step to becoming acquainted with him, considering the Huenings and Choi’s shared little to no trade routes and the two different countries didn’t exactly need one another as partners for resources. The Choi’s were heavily involved in the Jeon line and the Kim line. Which meant he had absolutely no reason to include himself with Huening Kai. He couldn’t help but wonder if the boy was trying to spark something political between their countries as if Soobin hadn’t come willingly. Because who would?
“ I see. Then, Soobin Hyung, If you came here willingly, then you must have known I am not one for personal connections. Correct? Unless you are here to make a political offer... “ Kai lets out a dry laugh, looking off before reconnecting an irritated gaze with Soobin.
“ I must admit I find your sudden presence a disruption in my schedule. “
This was it. This is where Soobin would scoff, exclaim how rude of a person he was, and storm off, leaving him to wallow in his own demise and self-hatred. It had become a comfort to himself to hate every little thing he did. He wouldn’t know who he would be if it weren't for that.
Huening Kai, the prince that loathed both himself and everyone around him.
A prince with a bad attitude and words that could cut like knives.
A selfish prince that only looked for the benefit in others.
A prince fit to rule the generation because he had no emotions to betray him.
Kai winced at the last part, betraying himself with his own thoughts.
When he looked up to Soobin, expecting eyes that glowered at him, he was promptly taken back with how amused of a smile he was given. Playfulness glinted in the prince's round eyes, setting Huening kai’s heart ablaze. Kai scowled immediately, confused and off-put with the unexpected ending to his already planned out situation.
“ Yes, you are correct. I've heard a lot of things about you Prince Huening. “ Soobin said, a finger circling the ring of the porcelain teacup.
“ You’re hot-tempered. “ Soobin continued, his mouth gaping as if he was yet to finish.
“ and you’re awkward. You have no sense of being social. You can barely hold conversations idly. “
“ You are rude as soon as formalities are gone. You surely have little to no sense of manners. “
“--And you are selfish. You only care about how you feel and how things affect you. “
Soobin finishes there, his broad smile plastered on his face. Besides how giddy the prince seemed, Huening was completely taken back, offended and pissed with how truthful the prince was being upon first meeting. Kai knew all of these traits already, and he supposes someone else actually acknowledging them for once is that made him mad.
They were what made him, and they were what he believed as the building blocks of his personality, but to hear it be put into a negative light was both grounding and infuriating. Kai ground his teeth together, looking ever so menacing as he stared at the smug prince for what seemed like an eternity.
“ You, how fucking dare you come into my kingdom, and spout such nonsense?! Who the fuck do you think you are?! “ Kai snarled, twisting the table cloth in his fist. It took a great sense of restraint from him to not maul the prince at that moment, not quite ready for the consequences of manslaughter.
Soobin hadn’t flinched through the whole ordeal, only nodding his head to agree with Kai’s statement.
“ you are correct in that again. That was a bit rude of me, wasn’t it? But unlike what you may have judged me, that is the exact reason I asked to come here. “ Soobin leaned towards the table, picking up a cinnamon biscuit between the pads of his fingers and placing the cookie into his mouth with one bite.
“ Do you see me as an enemy Prince Huening? “
Kai sputtered, the lines of rage between his eyebrows now turning into something more confused. He could not simply comprehend what the other prince had asked of him. It sounded illogical, completely manic.
Who would willingly hang out with a person with such bad traits?
If you were to ask any other person in the world, they would have replied along the lines of steering clear of them, but here Soobin was, sitting across from him, completely fine with no hint of resentment behind his words right after kai had cursed him.
And didn’t Prince Choi see him as an enemy as well?
“ W-What? “ Kai managed to mutter, his hands falling limp. He slumped back into his chair, the hot and stuffy feeling of anger leaving him just like when he had entered the garden.
“ Are you crazy? “ Kai followed, staring at the prince that sat happily in front of him in disbelief.
“ Why would you-- “
“ I'm not sure why, so there’s no point in trying to get an explanation out of me. “ Soobin cuts off, leaving Kai to blink dumbly.
Too many things were going off-plan, and Kai felt completely thrown off balance. He couldn’t react aloofly as he had hoped, and he couldn’t be mean either, the strategy seeming ineffective against the prince.
What could he possibly say in this type of situation?
“ I.. “ Kai uttered, shifting his gaze away from Soobin. The other felt haughty at how easily the positions of power shifted, Kai now feeling awkward and uncomfortable in his seat.
“ We will be friends from now on. But I still expect you to refer to me as Hyung. Right, Kai? “
Kai nodded, overwhelmed.
“ I never agreed to be your friend Hyung “ Kai tried to repel
Soobin clicked his tongue, his hand waving in the air to show how displeased he was with the answer.
“ I'm not giving you a choice Prince Huening. Surely you could understand that much. “
Kai felt his eye twitch. This wasn’t right. Was Prince Choi trying to order him around now?
“ Hey, now wait a mome- “ Kai was cut off once more by Soobin.
“ Before arriving, a maid of yours had given me a tour around your castle. The aesthetics and decor was so new and different from my own countries that I was simply astounded. Do you talk much to your servants Kai? “
“ well, uh, no, but that's beside the- “ Before Kai could continue, he was interrupted once more.
“ Well that's probably why you’re so lonely. The maids and butlers are truly humorous people. They look up to you and respect you a lot as well, I can tell by how they describe you. Someone admirable and reserved who knows how to take care of tasks in the best way possible. It seems they don’t mind your awkwardness, not one bit. I was surprised to hear this. From afar you look like the type to be quiet and timid. “
He can’t exactly point to why, but his face flushes a deep red on the onslaught of compliments, his hands finding purchase fiddling with one another in his lap.
“ I-, Uhm, it's not like that. They are just trying to make our kingdom look more superior. Not that it isn't. Especially when put next to the Choi line. “ Kai manages to get out. Kai doesn't know how but he feels as if he should bury himself with how weak and lame the insult had come out, barely detouring Soobin from the smirk he sports after noticing Kai and how he seems to shrink in on himself.
Meanwhile, Kai also can't get the thought of the servants of the Huening’s complimenting him as such. It’s a surprise that others could admire anything about him, so much to a point that he feels disturbed and bothered. After all, he cannot ever recall a moment where he had treated the servants kindly on a personal level. They were merely there. People that forced Kai to play alive as he cycled through simple tasks. A sudden pang of sadness shot through him, throwing kai into a lone path. He didn’t think of people.
He never thought about the fact that others held a brain, an organ that held perceptions of him as a person.
Now was that something to be sad about?
He’s disgusted. He doesn't want that at all. He doesn't want people to think of him, to look at him, to be able to touch him. He suddenly wishes to be alone, to wander empty rooms. He doesn't want to be seen.
Kai turned his head to the side, gazing off into a patch of gardenias. They were well kept and in excellent health. He wonders what type of person he was to the gardener that cared for the flowers he had always overlooked.
Had they ever met?
“ I’m saddened to hear you look down on the Choi line. It’s a good thing I plan on spending more time in your presence. I’ll prove to you that the Choi’s are of a substantial pedestal. “ Soobin answers back.
Kai scoffs, rolling his eyes.
“ ah, so you were here on the behalf of political business all along. I should’ve known. “ Kai can feel his heart tug downwards. He will pretend that what he said hadn't been the fruit of insecurities, but when he looks back up at Soobin, only to be met with a focused gaze, a gaze that was meant only for him, a gaze that only glinted in a hope that Kai had never once experienced, he doubts himself.
Kai had never been envious. Never had the emotional capacity to feel such a thing, but when he sees the different ranges of emotions that Choi Soobin is able to express, his palms begin to tingle, as if he could grab it, take it away from Soobin and keep it to himself to fawn over. But he cannot. And this sudden feeling is gathered in Kai’s arms and put into a box that he had zero willpower to approach.
“ If that’s what It means to stay close to you, then maybe it is. “
Kai wonders if it’d be selfish to keep Soobin around. Just to see how many other emotions and facial expressions he could pull out of the boy. And definitely not because his heart stutters in a way different from anger and rage.
-----
The evening comes to a subtle closing, a tall gentleman interrupting their conversation with an announcement that it had been time for the meeting to finally come to an end. Kai doesn't protest the suggestion, feeling a bit tired and worn out from socializing. It’s the first time in a while where he found himself truly tired, but not in a way that was painstakingly awful.
Kai isn’t sure if he preferred this over dealing with dull aches.
It didn’t give him the same sense of gratitude. It wasn’t a punishment. Didn’t give him a sense of pride that he had made it through another day paying for sins he had not known he committed.
The two young princes stand up from the tea table, stepping out of the gazebo and beginning their trek back to the entrance of the garden. The sky painted an orange hue. It didn’t feel real that Kai had taken the time out of his daily schedule to partake in idle chat. He couldn’t even believe himself that he had been able to sit through the mostly one-sided conversation without feeling any abrupt murderous urges.
Time passes fast when others are around he supposes and his stomach turned. He was confused about how to conclude his day.
As they re-entered the castle, the halls were much cooler than the humidity they had been shrouded by outside. Soobin turned to Kai, giving one last formal bow with Kai returning the same before he was led away by the unnamed butler. He assumed it was his advisor as Soobin immediately struck up a conversation with the man, his voice muffled and incomprehensible the further they walked away.
Kai blinked, barely noticing his own advisor that had sauntered to his side. He was afraid that if Taehyun had not broken the silence, he wouldn’t have been able to tear his gaze from the Prince’s back.
“ The meeting held out for longer than planned. I apologize. “ Taehyun mentioned, looking away from Kai. His hands melded neatly in front of him, his back straight and proper.
Kai glanced downwards at the polite male, feeling indifferent to the inference.
“ Then why hadn’t you stopped it at the appropriate time? “
Surprisingly, Kai wasn’t mad, just simply curious about what the other had to say for himself. It’s not like he gave the boy much work, making an effort to take the majority upon himself as an excuse to keep himself holed up in his study. It was also perfect for keeping his mind at bay, busy with twisting words and winding summaries. In other words, the boy couldn’t have been preoccupied the rest of the day.
Taehyun shrugged. “ You were enjoying yourself. “
Kai scowls, glaring at Taehyun’s side profile who in return, seemed unfazed with the ill intent.
“ You wouldn’t know that. “ Kai clenched his fist. “ and you were watching me? I thought I made it perfectly clear how well I expected privacy. Don’t be insufferable Taehyun, you know I only tolerate you because you know where your place is in this hierarchy. “ Kai spat.
Taehyun, like himself, was especially talented in keeping a poker face, and it was very plausible that that's what made the next thing he said a bit more threatening.
“ With all due respect Your Royal Highness, but do not take my words and my actions into diluted assumption. I simply do my tasks, and I believe I do them well. If I am tasked to keep watch of you, If I am tasked to meddle in your public and political affairs, I will do so. Because it’s my duty. “ Kai’s frown tightened. “ I do not do what I do out of interest in your life personally. You kept me around specifically because I have no interest in your personals. I do suggest you hold to that. “ Taehyun’s words were always crisp and precise.
How Huening Kai was with his discipline, Taehyun was with his words.
Taehyun stalked off, walking down the same hallway Soobin had left through, and Huening kai was there alone once more, to wallow in a demise he had created for himself.
Soobin is a liar.
Kai hates him now.
He can pretend to know as much as he does. He can inspect the strings of the harp, but he was naive and cruel with his conclusions. He gave Kai the false hope that he had others that cared even the slightest about him, but how wrong Choi Soobin had been. Kai assures himself that the next time they happen to meet, he would reinforce his walls. Take his opinions and his claims with an empty heart. It wasn’t worth the shocks of reality that he forced himself to recognize just to counter Soobins naivety.
He deserved pain. A lot of it. But False hope was torture, and he knows it’ll eat him alive when he goes to bed, or when he wakes up and gets dressed when he eats breakfast, and when he sees his advisor.