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when spencer was 10 years old and in middle school, he kissed a boy named liam jacobs.
they kissed behind their school, away from all the prying eyes and all the whispers. they kissed until their lips were pink and swollen. spencer had never felt something so good.
it felt so good and yet, everyone around him told him that gays were sinners. that they deserved to be stoned to death and they needed to change their sinful ways. his mother never cared much for that kind of talk, always led little spencer away from women and men with sprained voices from yelling at them to, “never let sin into their lives!”
so, when liam jacobs avoided him the next day, not that much of a surprise.
what surprised spencer was how quickly he could spread a rumor amongst 10-year-olds.
“spencer reid kissed liam jacobs on the mouth! liam didn’t like it, and he still did it!”
that was a lie though. liam liked it. liam had been the one to kiss him. liam had asked spencer if he had kissed a boy before. if someone had ever kissed him in general. spencer blushed and shook his head, and liam gave him a smirk that made spencer’s heart flutter.
he had looked at girls before, had admired their soft features, and had daydreamed about millie jones from algebra one too many times. he had also daydreamed about liam jacobs though, and how he looked when he was playing soccer with all the other boys. how liam would run his hand through his red hair and somehow make it look way better than all the other boy’s hair.
he thought liam was different. he thought liam was nice. and yet, here he was, kicking his shoe into spencer’s side and hissing at spencer how he was a faggot and would wind up in hell. there was more than one shoe digging into his ribs, but he could barely keep his eyes open to see who they were. he could feel about three other pairs of shoes, could hear three more voices yelling slurs at him.
“fucking fag! you forced yourself onto jacobs!”
he whimpered as punches rained down on his body, ribs sore from kicks and fists digging into his skin. when the beating was over and liam and his friends had run off, he laid there. he laid there for hours, looking up at the sky and praying to god that he would rip this part out of him.
he prayed that the lord would give him the strength to resist temptation.
he told himself so many times,
don’t get caught up in boys. they’re disgusting, and ugly, and cruel. they’re no good for you, they’ll mess you up and leave you in the field behind your school with two broken ribs and bruises to last a lifetime. they’ll also leave you with a hole in your soul and heart that can never be filled.
and then his dad left. but not before he screamed at his mother than spencer was a fairy. that spencer reid was a fag and that he couldn’t handle that or his mother’s crazy antics anymore.
his dad left and carved another hole into spencer’s heart. his dad carved out the part of spencer that loved looking at boys and their sharp jaws just as much as he loved looking at girls and their soft noses.
the night his dad left, he sobbed into his pillow, got down on his knees and prayed to any god out there to make him normal. he wept and wept into his hands, nose red and throat scratchy from all the cries for help to a god that seemed to not exist.
if he did, then why would he put spencer through all this pain? all this confusion?
his head ached for days afterward, and when he told his mom how he felt about liam on one of her good days, it was with a hole in his stomach and a heart that threatened to burst out of his chest.
“mom. i think i’m bisexual.”
she just laughed softly and brought her hand up to caress his cheek.
“i know honey. i know.”
he cried into her shoulder, pleading with her to accept him for who he was. she did. she told him how much she loved him, how nothing could ever change the love she had for her son.
then, he sobbed as he told her about liam jacobs. how he had been convinced that it was something good and hopeful, only for liam to go back on him and crush all the hope spencer had hidden deep in his heart.
he was 10 years old, with no father, and with no hope for a better world. all because he had shared a kiss with a boy.
spencer never kissed another boy again.
-
his migraines were getting worse. they were impeding work now. sure, he had found out the last clue they needed as to who was the unsub, but spencer had only found that out because his vision was blurry and focused on a photograph of a house that looked just a little familiar.
he couldn’t pretend that everything was all right with him anymore. he needed help.
so, he sought a geneticist by the name of miles donovan. he had asked his doctor to give him miles’ phone number. he practically had to beg for it, and his doctor was still doubting that this wasn’t a psychosomatic symptom of something deeper. still, customer is always right.
spencer hopes he is.
their first phone call is short and professional. spencer voices his worries and miles writes them all down. spencer can hear his pen scratching against a notebook and is relieved to know that he has met someone who will take his concerns seriously.
their second one comes after a short meeting to discuss spencer’s symptoms and all the medications that could help. spencer might have been awkward and not so open to some meds and he might have told miles this with a hurried tone in his voice that made him seem like a high school kid all over again. well, what a high school kid around the age of 16 would’ve sounded like. all high-pitched words and stuttering over sentences that just made no sense.
miles just chuckled and nodded along with everything spencer said, “whatever you need, spencer. i’m just here to give you advice.” he calls him spencer instead of dr. reid. it makes spencer feel like miles could also be his friend and not just his second doctor.
the phone call afterward is half serious and half miles teasing spencer for liking a copious amount of sugar in his coffee. they agree to meet up for coffee to discuss spencer’s migraines and how they’ve lessened over the weeks, thanks to a drug from mexico that miles could get on short notice.
at the said coffee date, spencer thanks miles profusely for the medication, pays for miles’ drink, and lets loose of all his worries for just a moment. miles takes him out to a park, saying that it’s just so they have a clear head while they discuss more medications that miles can find for spencer.
they only talk about medication for two minutes before that conversation is forgotten and replaced with one about their childhoods. spencer learns all there is to know about miles, can tell people anything about miles if they asked him to. that’s how close they get in just four hours.
spencer worries that he is getting too close to miles after the third phone call. It has nothing to do with his headaches, and everything to do with miles. he worries that he is falling, falling hard, for a man who will probably forget about him as soon as he tells miles that his headaches have cleared up and that he no longer feels the need to be on any medication. miles will bid him goodbye and will continue with his life while spencer pines for his fleeting figure.
still, he can’t help but feel like he deserves this chance to be happy, even if everyone is against two men together as lovers. when you’re in love, though, all of that goes away. people and their thoughts don’t seem so important, or dramatic. spencer hopes that he can learn how it feels to let go of that fear he’s held in his heart since the age of 10.
every day with miles has been like a dream. sometimes he fears that it’s more of a game to miles and that any day now he will pop around the corner with a bat in hand and a posse of his friends to beat the crap out of spencer. then. miles takes all that pain away when they go out to see the stars one lonely night, and he brings with him a copy of ‘the narrative of john smith’ by arthur conan doyle. they read until their eyes are heavy and spencer’s voice is weary from reading out loud to miles who had laid his head on spencer’s lap to look up at his face.
they have bonded over books, poetry, and a fear that their friends will hear something about them and sneer at them with hate in their once loving eyes. they exchange words that sound like they come straight out of sappho’s poems. spencer is so utterly in love and it’s getting harder to control the smile that comes when miles tells him to call him on a payphone when they’re out of state. it’s hard to control the blush that settles on his cheeks when he hears miles say hello whenever he calls.
derek has noticed, for sure. so has alex. neither of them says anything though, and spencer is grateful. he really doesn’t want to have that conversation with his team. not yet, at least. he’s still trying to let himself fall in love with another man, he doesn’t want to be pushed back into that ‘normal’ place, especially not by the burning touch of his teammates. he doesn’t want his family to hate him, to curse him.
he can still hear middle school boys hissing at him, can still feel the spit they dropped onto spencer’s aching body.
“you’re a fucking sinner, spencer reid! kissing boys is a sin!”
he invites miles over to his apartment for the first time and he cries on his shoulder. he tells miles all about his fears, holds nothing back. miles struggles to relate. his parents and friends have always been supportive. He met his first boyfriend in high school and was happy for a while. time rips people apart though, and it does not disappoint him that he didn’t have that high school romance so many couples have, he tells spencer that he is grateful to have met spencer when he did. he also tells spencer that he will be there for him every step of the way, that he will help him in any way that spencer needs him to.
“i’m just so scared.. that they won’t like me anymore, that they’ll think it’s a sin, like everyone else..”
miles nods and holds spencer in his arms, “i know, baby.” the pet name escapes spencer, he is much more focused on the fear that has been stabbed deep into his heart. he doesn’t want to hide miles away, would much rather introduce him to garcia and watch her fuss over how beautiful miles is, and how intelligent miles is. he wants people to know that he’s the one who gets to run his fingers through miles’ beautiful brown hair, he’s the one who gets to stare into miles’ big brown eyes when they’re on the couch, wondering about how poetry can make a human feel so many emotions at once.
it’s hard though. to be so open when you’ve been beaten and told that being so open about who you love is a sin. miles tells him it’s not his fault, tells spencer that it’s, “internalized biphobia, baby. it’s sick, but people have made you feel like loving men is a sin.” spencer recoils at the thought of being a victim of internal conflict, can hardly stand to know that he’s just that weak and gullible. miles shakes his head when spencer tells him this and takes spencer’s hands in his.
“you’re not weak. not one bit. you are so much stronger than you realize. it just takes time. okay?”
spencer nods and miles kisses him for the first time. it’s beautiful and spencer wants to fight for this feeling of bliss he feels as they press their lips together.
he thinks he’s ready to say it until alex practically forces the words out of his mouth. he makes the mistake of telling her not to say anything.
miles told him he could always call for anything and reid really needs another opinion and miles is practically the smartest person spencer knows besides himself.
still. why does he need to explain himself to alex? and why is this such a struggle when he’s been dying to get the words out?
“you’re not using words like, him, or her.. you’re saying things like, ‘they are’ and ‘my friends’..”
he is averting her eyes and answered a question with a question. he is so fucking nervous right now. he is wringing his hands and trying not to look at her in the eyes because alex can see right through him.
“so?”
“it begs a bigger question, why did you ask me to bring you here?”
probably because you’re the closest thing i have to a mother and i could really use some motherly love right now?
and.. well, you’re the only one i trust not to freak out when you hear a man’s voice on the other end calling me baby
the phone rings and he is crucially aware of how close alex is getting. she seems angry and he is not sure if she’s figured it out and is about to spit at him, or if she will leave him here with words that will haunt him forever. both of them are bad outcomes, but it’s what people have conditioned spencer to receive anyway.
“can we just talk about this later?”
“no, why not jj or morgan?”
“alex, please.”
she is growing more and more frustrated.
“just answer the question.”
she sounds exasperated, like she can’t believe spencer would keep something from her. if it wasn’t so big of a secret, spencer would understand. he tells alex everything.
“because i don’t want them to know about.. him.. okay?”
her lips form an ‘o’ as she realizes. he stammers out his next words, “it’s nothing bad, it’s just personal.” he’s not really saying that to alex, he’s saying that to himself. he looks at alex to make it seem like he’s okay with his sexuality, but his heart is still racing like she hasn’t already backed up and whispered, “okay.” to him.
he picks up the ringing phone with a hurried, “i’m here, i’m here.” he probably woke miles up because he sounds confused and spencer feels guilty for waking him up. “spencer, why are you calling me right now?” spencer is quick to answer, “i know, i know. It’s important.”
spencer quickly explains everything to miles, and miles, like always, is one step ahead.
“at first, i just thought he was taking whoever was available.” miles cuts in, “except he’s operating a bloodmobile.”
god, spencer loves miles. “yes! thank you, exactly. that’s not an accident, he’s obviously using it as a cover to screen for something, and that’s why i’m calling you. I’m hoping that you can help me figure out what he’s screening for.”
he worries it’s too much to ask of miles until he answers spencer. he can hear the scratching of a pen and the sound of papers and spencer knows that miles is sitting on his desk in their shared apartment, writing things down in his notebook. spencer’s mind wanders for just a second, begins thinking about how amazing it is that he has finally opened up to another man, has allowed himself to love another man so much that he moved in with the said man.
then, he is brought back to the case at hand when miles speaks up again. “you know, what you’re describing reminds me of josef mengele.” spencer twists the phone cord around his fingers, “yeah, we worked doubling into the profile.” spencer is sure he can hear miles shake his head, “no, i mean mengele’s experiments on twins. he operated on thousands of them, why?”
spencer is stumped. for the first time, in a really long time, spencer doesn’t know the answer, and he isn’t sure whether to feel bad for himself or to feel so utterly proud of miles. “i don’t know, actually.”
as miles speaks, spencer can’t help but feel like he’s finally met the man of his dreams. His other half. while spencer might have preferred to have found this out over a nice dinner or a library visit, he’s not that scared of letting the fact be known anymore. after all, if your boyfriend helps solve a murder case with you, then you have to let the universe know that you’re dating that man. that there is no one else you would rather be with.
-
“ok, kid. out with it.”
spencer looks up to see morgan sitting across from him.
“out with what?”
morgan looks at him like spencer has broken the vase in his mom’s living room and has blamed it on morgan. probably annoyed and definitely out to get spencer. In a good way, obviously. in a brotherly way.
“out with the weirdness, and the secrecy. the phone call you could only make out of a phone booth.”
spencer shakes his head slightly, “i got a consultation, what’s the big deal?” morgan takes a breath before he continues, probably about to rip spencer a new one. “reid, you left that crime scene and came back with a major break. that’s one hell of a consult.”
spencer doesn’t make a big deal out of it. “hm. It was.” he looks down at his book.
morgan sighs and gets closer, elbows resting on the table, “alright, you don’t want to talk, that’s fine. but listen,” spencer looks up from the paragraphs he was pretending to read.
“seriously i- i feel like you and i haven’t had the chance to talk in a while.” that’s an understatement, reid thinks. it’s mostly his fault. his days have been consumed with miles and all the things they’ve been doing for fun. turns out reid can have fun when he wants to, especially when he’s with someone he loves.
“it’s nobody’s fault, it happens,” the conversation is feeling more like a parent trying to reconnect with their kid than two adult friends talking to each other. spencer isn’t that put off by it, “but if you’ve got somebody new in your life to talk to..”
yep, he does.
“i’d just like to know who she is.”
well, it could be a girl, that’s how bisexuality works. morgan is wrong anyway.
“‘cause she’s gotta be one hell of a woman to keep up with you.”
“who told you?”
he looks at alex when he speaks. he really hopes she didn’t say anything about the gender of his lover, but he can never be too sure about who to trust with this kind of information.
“oh, just a little birdie. you might know her.” shit, what if it was blake? Is he really ready to let them know? “garcia told me. And she says you have been acting a little squirrely.”
mogran is teasing him and laughing, and yet spencer can’t help but laugh along with him. he will say it, even if his heart is going 100 miles per hour and is about to burst out of his heart. he feels the pit in his stomach grow and grow, and he feels the need to vomit, but not before he says the words he needs to say.
“so, i just filled the rest in.”
he steels himself. this is his shot.
“he is one hell of man.”
if the pronouns he’s used to describe the person on the other end of the receiver upsets morgan, then he doesn’t let it show. he raises his eyebrows and wiggles them. “I knew it, dr. reid. you gonna introduce us to him?” spencer shrugs and goes back to reading. morgan grins at him.
“alright, alright. play on, playa.”
morgan goes back to his seat, and spencer is sure that everyone has heard their conversation. nothing happens, though. nothing changes. the air isn’t tense and full of hate, and jj hasn’t come over to tell him he can longer come over to visit his godson. he thanks the stars above and whatever god lies out there that his family will remain just that. his family.
when they get back home, it is uneventful. it isn’t eventful until they go in the next morning that garcia comes in with so much energy and a smile so wide and a pride flag in her hand. it’s one of those tiny ones you get to put in your coffee cup. at least, that’s what garcia tells him. he tells her that’s he’s bi but he appreciates the gesture. she snaps her fingers and fishes another one out of her jacket and spencer wonders if she’s mary poppins incarnated or if she is just that prepared. he takes the flag with the right colors and tells her he’ll keep the other one for his boyfriend.
she squeals when he mentions his boyfriend and asks him so many questions that hotch has to step in with a soft smile on his face. “garcia, i’m sure spencer would love to tell you all about his boyfriend later.” she nods, and smiles sheepishly up at their boss, “yes sir. sorry.”
he thanks hotch under his breath, and hotch nods back at him. no one makes a big deal out of the pink, purple, and blue-colored flag that lies on his desk. or the framed picture of him and miles standing under the shade of the cherry blossom tree in the garden miles brought him to. a woman there asked to take a picture of them, promised to send a copy over when she was done editing it. it’s beautiful and spencer looks at it whenever he needs a pick me up.
jj asks him to babysit still, and she asks him to bring over his boyfriend. when they are introduced to each other, jj asks henry to call miles her uncle. “uncle spencer is in love with miles. that makes him your uncle, okay?” miles cries into spencer’s shoulder after they have left jj’s house, when they’re settled into their bed for the night. he has never been so happy before. blake tells him she’s proud of him one day, gives him a smile and a hug that makes spencer feel warm all over.
morgan gets along so well with miles that they’re practically best friends too. they bond over teasing spencer about his sugar and coffee addiction, and share awful photos of spencer. rossi and hotch don’t make a big deal out of it. they don’t ignore it, but they don’t point it out. rossi also invites them all over for team dinner and tells spencer to invite his boyfriend. when they first meet, it scares spencer. rossi and hotch are like fathers to him. his worries disappear so quickly that spencer is concerned over how easy it was.
rossi and miles bond over a shared love for cooking and bad rom-coms, and hotch opens up to miles when he learns that miles also comes from a small town like his own. they also bond over fathers who tried to push their opinions on their children and failed.
spencer doesn’t live with a pit in his heart anymore. it’s whole again. he’s learned that loving another man is not a sin. he gets a phone call one day. It’s from liam jacobs. he calls to say sorry to spencer, to ask for forgiveness. liam married another man, they have a daughter named samantha. he tells spencer all about a father who was the local preacher and preached that homosexuals were sinners. he doesn’t excuse his behavior, but asks spencer to try to understand. and spencer does, he really does. it’s a hard life.
he forgives liam jacobs and wishes him the best. he tells him all about miles donovan, the geneticist, and when he hangs up.. when he hangs up, he feels free.