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It was a Thursday night, boring and uneventful. Chuuya was enjoying his rare free evening in his penthouse, seated on his leather couch with a glass of wine in hand. It was getting late, but there was still a fair chance that a certain mackerel would show up. He’d been getting very good at finding out Chuuya’s schedule lately and had been making use of it to harass him semi-regularly.
Chuuya was just setting the empty glass down on the table when the hairs at the back of his neck pricked up. He turned to look out the window just in time to see all the lights in the building across the street blink out. The next moment, Chuuya was plunged into darkness.
His whole body immediately tensed, and his head felt as though he’d been plunged underwater. Panic was creeping up from the pit of his stomach and he could feel it clawing at his throat. He forced himself to keep his breathing even with slow, measured breaths.
This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. This isn’t happening.
One careful step after another, Chuuya managed to walk to where he knew the light switch was. He flicked it off and on, off and on, over and over and faster and faster as his breathing sped up. Finally his fist slammed the wall just below the switch, and he felt the plaster give beneath his fingers. He moved back towards the couch, desperately trying the lamp on the side table. Still nothing. Nothing but the darkness, stretching out before him.
He sunk to the ground, head hunched and knees drawn close to his chest. The sound of his own heavy breathing was interrupted only by the ringing inside his own head. The world felt so far away. The couch behind him, the floor beneath him, all of it faded away until there was only black.
That was how he missed the sound of his front door unlocking.
“Hey chibi, I was out walking when the blackout hit and your apartment was so much closer than my dorm. I figured I’d wait it out here instead and have you entertain me. Where are you, any- Chuuya, what are you doing down there?”
Chuuya registered that someone was talking, but it was something so distant from himself. Something not real. Nothing seemed real, until he felt his hands being taken from where they were digging into his knees.
“-uuya? Chuuya? Chuuya, open your eyes!”
Huh? When did I close them?
Chuuya slowly blinked his eyes open. There, just in front of him, he could barely make out the outline of a very familiar face.
“Chuuya, are you alright? Are you hurt anywhere? Are you poisoned? You need to tell me what happened.”
Dazai was checking him over for injuries, hands gently roaming over his body. It was… grounding.
“Can you talk? You need to tell me if someone was here, or if you ate or drank anything that might have been compromised.”
“No,” Chuuya started, voice unsteady. He started again, “No, nothing happened.”
“It doesn’t look like nothing.” Dazai’s voice is softer than usual, concerned in a way Chuuya never thought he’d get used to hearing.
The silence stretched on longer than was comfortable. Chuuya was searching desperately for an explanation, but his mind was still spinning and the words I’m afraid of the dark refused to exit his lips.
“I was just.. startled… when the lights went out. I thought something bigger was going on. You know how it gets in this city.”
There, that was close enough to the truth.
There was an aborted sound of surprise that Dazai managed to cut off while it was still in his throat, but Chuuya heard it anyway. Now that his senses were slowly coming back to him, there wasn’t much about Dazai that could escape his notice. Chuuya could practically hear the teasing, you know chibi, that’s not a very wise position to fend off an attack. And then he’d have no defence, and then, and then…
“Do you have any candles?”
“What?” The shift was abrupt, and now Chuuya’s head was spinning for an entirely different reason. Since when did Dazai ever back off from anything, especially when it came to potential blackmail material?
“Candles. Do you have any candles in your apartment?” Dazai’s voice was still so soft, too soft, but Chuuya found himself melting into it anyway. “You know, the things people usually light when the power goes out? Unless you’d rather sit around in the dark.”
Dazai’s hand was still sitting on his shoulder, and Chuuya was trying very hard to focus on the weight of it to avoid thinking about the fact that he can’t see. He didn’t want Dazai to move away, didn’t want to be alone in the void again, but the promise of light was tempting.
“I- don’t know,” Chuuya answered honestly. “Maybe? There might be some in the kitchen, or one of the closets.”
Dazai slipped away from him and began rummaging around his apartment. This time Chuuya kept his eyes open, following Dazai’s movements as he opened cupboards and drawers. It was when his old partner disappeared down the hall that his anxiety started to spike again. His eyes had adjusted slightly to the darkness of the room, but that just meant that he was keenly aware of the shadows as they began to flicker and dance in the spaces around him. Images of a giant black beast surrounded by burning flames came alive before his eyes. Chuuya’s breathing was starting to speed up again when Dazai reappeared by his side, candles in hand.
“I only found two, but that should do for now,” Dazai said, setting the candles on the coffee table in front of them. He lit them using what Chuuya recognized as the lighter he usually kept in his coat pocket. The light chased away the images as easily as mopping up spilled ink, leaving behind only the shapes of the two of them surrounded by Chuuya’s furniture.
The silence was allowed to stretch on for a few minutes until Dazai broke it.
“So, are you going to tell me what really happened now?”
Chuuya should have known better than to hope he’d leave it alone. Dazai went easy on him earlier, maybe because he sensed Chuuya’s distress. Dazai had already been far more considerate than Chuuya expected, but he knew Dazai wouldn’t let it go a second time. Chuuya was backed into a corner now with no way out but the truth.
“I was being serious earlier,” Chuuya started, drawing his knees closer to him once again. His eyes are fixed on Dazai to gauge his reaction. “The dark really does freak me out.”
A beat, then two, then-
“Oh.”
That’s… better than the mocking Chuuya was expecting. Dazai’s expression was carefully measured, but that alone meant that he must at least be making an attempt at not being an ass.
“I know it sounds stupid. It’s just, the first seven years of my life are completely dark. Every time I use corruption it sends me back there, to that black void where I can’t do anything and I don’t know what’s happening and it’s terrifying. And when it gets dark it feels like I’m being pulled back in and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.” Chuuya didn’t realize how fast the words had started spilling out until he felt Dazai’s hand rubbing circles on his back. It was soothing. Chuuya let out a shaky breath, realizing that he felt lighter now that he’d finally admitted that to someone.
“I didn’t know. I assumed something happened to upset you, but I never thought… But I understand. It makes sense for something like that to scare you. I should've picked up on it. “
“You couldn’t have known,” Chuuya shook his head in response. “I’ve never said anything.”
“But we worked together for years. We’re partners.” Dazai’s eyes widened a fraction as something occurred to him. “We worked together at night, all the time. How did you never…?”
“We live in the city Dazai, it’s never completely dark. Not like this. There’s always street lights, cars, glowing signs, even windows.” Chuuya’s voice dropped, the next part barely a whisper. “And when there wasn’t, it’s never as bad when you’re there.”
And there it is, the thread that’s been tethering them together since the first time Chuuya used corruption. As long as No Longer Human was within reach, Chuuya could trust that Dazai would be there to pull him out of the darkness. That’s a comfort Chuuya hasn’t had since Dazai left.
It’s true that Dazai had grown a lot since he walked away from the mafia. But apologizing, especially to Chuuya, and for something like this? Chuuya could barely sift through everything he felt when it came to Dazai and how his choice had a very real impact on Chuuya’s relationship with Arahabaki. He knew better than to expect Dazai to face all of this head on in the middle of the night when it’s the last thing he was expecting.
What Dazai did do was take his hand. Chuuya couldn’t deny the relief it brought, in more ways than one.
“Here, take this. I’ll grab the other one.”
“Oh.. kay?”
Chuuya was admittedly confused as to why Dazai was handing him one of the candles. He accepted it regardless, and followed when Dazai pulled him to his feet and towards the bedroom.
“You know, I’m surprised someone who hates the dark bought such heavy duty blackout curtains,” Dazai said as he pulled Chuuya through the doorway to his room.
“Just because I don’t like it to be dark doesn’t mean I like to be woken up by the sun at ass o’clock in the morning,” Chuuya grumbled. “I have a lamp that I usually keep dimmed.”
Dazai responded with a nod and a “Okay yeah, that makes sense with chibi’s late nights” and it was so weird for Chuuya. It was weird to talk about it openly, and for Dazai to be accepting it so easily. He was still a little off kilter from the panic attack, and the talk with Dazai had him feeling raw and exposed.
All of that settled farther into the background when he saw what Dazai was doing. He watched Dazai tug on the curtains, revealing a nearly full moon casting rays of light through the bedroom window. Light that hadn’t been able to reach his living room due to the apartment layout.
“I thought that might help.” Dazai’s voice was quiet, unsure, and Chuuya’s chest felt tight.
“Yeah, it helps.” He swallowed thickly, trying to force down the emotions threatening to bubble over. He’s shown too much too fast, and exhaustion was beginning to creep in. Whatever conversations they needed to have, it could wait until after some rest.
Luckily, Dazai seemed to have the same idea. He took the candles and placed them on the nightstand closest to the door before maneuvering Chuuya onto the side of the bed near the window. Arms wrapped around him, pulling him close. Being held like that felt safe. He could feel the tiredness pulling at his eyelids, urging them closed.
Wait.
“What about the candles,” he mumbled. “I’m tired, but not enough to risk dying in a house fire.”
A warm chuckle filled the room, so close Chuuya could feel it in his own bones.
“Rest, Chuuya. I’ll stay up and put them out once you fall asleep.”
And so Chuuya settled in, tucked against Dazai’s chest. His eyes slipped closed, knowing he had the dim light to chase away the shadows and Dazai to pull him out even if the shadows caught up with him.