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The soft pitter-patter of the rain on the cold cracked concrete of the pavement was almost muted by the loud pounding and ringing in their ears. From afar there was not much one could make out of the silhouettes standing under the dim light on the brick wall of the shabby looking flat - other than the fact that they were very close in proximity.
“Is this it?” He tightened his embrace on the taller man’s waist, shakily breathing in the strong sandalwood wafting from the latter’s neck. It got him feeling a little heady when mixed with the earthy smell of midnight drizzle. He would’ve put up a fight - question what had been told - if he hadn’t caught a whiff of the masculine scent.
The taller of the two didn’t answer, inhaling deeply whilst tightening his grip on the hand circling his waist. He was sure Yibo could feel - hear, even - the thundering of his heart. ‘The time has come,’ he thought but couldn’t voice out. But, Yibo. Oh, Wang Yibo, ever the understanding lover that he is.
Yibo nodded once and Xiao Zhan felt something that could very much not be raindrops hitting the exposed skin under the collar of his dress shirt. Goosebumps rose all over his skin, making him shiver and rendering him weak in the knees when a very light peck was pressed by trembling lips right under his earlobe. “Zhan-ge...” he whispered. There seemed to be a line hidden there but they both got it.
He almost - ALMOST - stepped back when the lips left along with the source of heat warming him under the dark mourning sky. But he dared not, lest he failed on his task. Turning around was out of the equation an incense time ago.
He didn’t see but still very much heard the retreating steps of his now ex-lover and it was his cue to leave as well. It would be much better like this. No more words exchanged, things better left unsaid.
Xiao Zhan turned in the opposite direction, not once looking back.
───※ ·❆· ※───
12 Years Later…
Judging by how his knees had been twitching for the past minutes, he could very much bounce off the comfy chair and ricochet in the waiting area. The palpitations seem to be getting worse every time his eyes laid upon the clear blue file he had carelessly discarded on the coffee table. Right beside it sat a cold mug of brewed tea. He was borderline worried he might drop dead right then and there. It will be the talk of the town for sure if he really couldn’t make it at the lawyer’s office.
“Goodness…” He threw his head in his hands as he tried to calm down. He couldn’t even pinpoint what was making him so agitated, like a phantom itch he couldn’t quite scratch.
And then with the corner of his eyes, he saw a pair of dark, shiny penny loafers crossed the space and stopped at the lounge chair across from him. Great . Now he had company. He thought coming here in the middle of the week would mean less chance of meeting other clients.
The navy blue slack rode up a few inches to expose the men’s bony ankle once he sat down. That moment Wang Yibo swore he was losing his marbles and already reached the state of delirium.
Because many years might have passed but he could never forget those secret nights they had spent in the warmth of one another. The very reason why he was here in the first place.
If his heart was beating loudly like drums on Lunar New Year before, then at this moment it had finally stopped completely as he heard ringing in his ears.
The other man also had shock plastered on his face, but more composed as compared to the one Yibo was sporting on his sweaty, sickly pale one.
“Wang Yibo?” Xiao Zhan was the first one to break the silence, feelings masked completely by a hauntingly professional and polite smile as he greeted the man sitting across him. The said man rubbed his clammy hands together, then on his pants, all the while clearing his throat rather loudly in the cold and quiet room.
“Xiao Zhan.” He finally greeted back. It was void of familiarity, they shouldn’t act like they had been close anyway. Not even when no one else was around.
“Pleasure to meet you here.” His lips curved into that ever sweet smile - when was it ever not. Xiao Zhan momentarily thought that wasn’t the best way to put it given the circumstances but seeing how much the younger man seemed to be so lost right now, he ignored it.
There was a small voice nagging at him from the back of his mind but he had been quiet for too long. “Yeah, likewise.” Hence he replied slowly, the last syllable came out near-whisper.
Just a few minutes prior Wang Yibo seemed to be unable to take his eyes off the older man but now he was looking everywhere but at the man intently watching his every move. He stared at the watch donning his left wrist and cast a glance at the office door. ‘This lady is sure taking her time,’ he thought and cursed lowly under his breath.
“Huh?” This time he unconsciously whipped his head at Xiao Zhan who had his head tilted a little, a habit he had when he couldn’t quite get something. “Huh?” Yibo replied dumbly.
This seemed to amuse him as he burst into a fit of giggle under the hand covering his mouth. Yibo couldn’t stop himself from noticing how effortlessly graceful and elegant the man is still. The very man that used to reside in his heart and mind rent-free. Still do.
“So,” he drawled, “how have you been?”
Yibo was quiet again but not for long. “As you can see.” He nodded once, then raised his chin to point at the general direction of his attorney’s office. Xiao Zhan’s eyes gleamed at this, never minding their current situation. “Oh, me too,” he declared rather enthusiastically.
“I figured.” A small smirk tugged on the corner of his lips, lacking malice. His shoulders also seemed to be less tensed as compared to when his kneecaps had been vibrating like a Nokia phone and when Xiao Zhan arrived.
“You look well. For someone getting a divorce .” But he didn’t say the last part. Yibo ducked his head as soon as the offhanded comment left his loose mouth. He knew it almost gave away their familiarity with one another. He narrowly missed the line setting their worlds apart.
“Oh. Yeah. I’m only here because of Suo-er. He’s my son by the way. And the house. But mostly Suo-er.” Yibo felt a pang in his heart when he saw a small smile playing on Xiao Zhan’s lips at the mention of the boy’s name. Oh. So he’s - was - will be - fuck - married with a son. There was a pang in his heart at the revelation. He knew it shouldn’t be there but it did anyway so he just oh- ed.
For the three years being married and living under the same roof, Yibo never managed to treat his wife properly. Don’t get him wrong, he provided everything from a house to luxury and other mundane pleasures. He just had been struggling a lot in private matters. He tried.
He truthfully did. He even went as far as seeking a professional’s help. But it was all futile.
At one point that led to another and then this, they both decided it would be better if they had an open relationship. She could pursue whoever she wanted and vice versa. It was all in the name of keeping face and adhering to their family’s wishes.
Yibo was married for convenience after all in the first place. It was not meant for forever. How soon it came though, was quite a shock. Yibo took the blame of not being able to produce heir, much to their family’s chagrin. Though the truth was far from that. And sometimes the truth is better left untold and peace is sustained by ignorance.
He couldn’t say the same applied to Xiao Zhan. The man was still going on enthusiastically about his five-year-old with pride interlaced in his words, completely in the dark of his company’s inner turmoil.
When he finally noticed the younger had been silent all the time, he halted his speech and searched for the latter’s eyes. “Did I say anything wrong?” And something seemed to click in his mind. “Oh, don’t tell me. Yibo-”
Yibo quickly cut him off, fully getting what was inside the older’s mind but he spared the explanation and smiled at him instead. It was small but sincere. “No. Seems like Xiao Suo is a good kid. A chip off the old block indeed. I’d like to meet him one day.” He had thrown in the last line with little to no intention and commitment but Xiao Zhan beamed at this. “Oh, I’m sure he would be glad to meet you too, Bo-di.”
The nickname surprised both of them, the awkward silent slowly hovering over their heads again. This time, however, they were saved by the assistant calling Yibo’s name as the old lady finally exited the office.
Yibo leapt to his feet instantaneously, almost like a knee-jerk reaction. It was not hard to discern how much he wanted to leave at the moment.
Before he disappeared behind the thick wooden door, he heard Xiao Zhan called his name again. This time cautiously and full of formality. “Later… do you want to catch up over a coffee?”
Yibo wanted to say no so much. Since the elder left, he never touched that bitter beans anymore. He only did because Xiao Zhan breathed on it in the first place. No, he doesn’t want to. “Yes, sure.”
───※ ·❆· ※───
A coffee or two and some lunch later, Wang Yibo found himself sitting side by side with his ex-boyfriend from a decade ago in a quiet bar just a little out of downtown. To be fair, this time their meeting wasn’t planned. The world is just that small.
The younger man was mindlessly swirling the deep copper in his glass. Now and then his thumb would rub on the side, clearing a path of perspiration. “How was your trial?” He had asked rather nonchalantly.
Their relationship wasn’t completely mended as so did the air of hostility surrounding them from time to time hadn’t completely dispersed. But it was only natural for Yibo - now a divorced man - to be by the other man’s side as he was going through his. He was not sure if they were friends yet but for sure they were something more than just mere acquaintances.
As far as he knew since they started hanging out for almost a solid two months now, Xiao Zhan was facing a little problem with appeasing his family over the whole ordeal. Getting a divorce is already so frowned upon, not to mention that he is in his prime days. The partner - well, Yibo didn’t like having her in his head. For reasons.
So Wang Yibo justified his action for not running away yet by telling himself that he did all this out of sympathy.
“Just fine. The next one could be the last, hopefully.” Xiao Zhan added the last one meekly. Yibo had a hunch that the divorce wasn’t as clean as the older one had assured him many times before but decided to not press on the subject lest he got hurt once his suspicions were confirmed. Even now, his pupils shrank but he immediately schooled his expression.
Xiao Zhan suddenly perked up in his seat, causing Yibo to do the same and eyed him cautiously. “Oh, right. I never asked you what are you doing now? It must be paying you good judging on you now, Lao Wang.” The flash of hurt crossed on Yibo’s face once more but it went by too quickly that his companion missed it.
“Nah, I’m just a puny architect now.” Xiao Zhan hit his back a few times, the normal ‘bros consoling’ way. “How could that be? I still remember how you got so upset one time in class and questioned my lesson in the most polite way ever.” His response was followed by a peal of short-lived laughter. The hand on Yibo’s back slowly retreated onto the cold marble countertop.
He really crossed the line this time.
Yibo’s face darkened but he remained silent. Truthfully, he was just at lost of words and the situation was awkward beyond repair.
Then he heard Xiao Zhan slowly muttered an apology.
“No. It’s alright. It’s nothing, Xiao-laoshi.” Yibo turned to look at the man staring at him with guilt evident in his eyes. Hearing the name, a small smile tugged on the rosy lips. “I haven’t heard you call me that in a long time.”
Wang Yibo, not wanting a repeat of the previous incident, shrugged nonchalantly. His expression skillfully schooled, leaving nothing to be interpreted. “Well, you were no longer my lecturer since my final semester back then.” His tone was light and humorous that Xiao Zhan finally breathed a sigh of relief, smile widening. “You got me there.” I just wish you would stop calling me Xiao Zhan. He didn’t add.
The two continued to drink slowly in peace with small talks here and there until the buzzing around them fully died down. Xiao Zhan gave the bar a once over and it was mostly empty at this time. The bartender was also cleaning the counter. The clock indicated it was almost midnight already.
“So, yeah. Good luck on your next trial.” Yibo offered a smile to which Xiao Zhan reciprocated with an equally beautiful one. “Yeah. Thanks. I really need it. Maybe Suo-er can finally meet you after everything is over.”
Yibo knew what he was implying. He didn’t miss the hopefulness laced in his words. Xiao Zhan wanted to meet him again. And he doesn’t know if he wants that.
“That would be nice.” He said regardless. His heart clenched at the way Xiao Zhan’s eyes brightened up at his words. The older’s eyes were truly the windows to his soul. One part of Yibo despised himself so much for still knowing a lot about the man he hadn’t met in over a decade.
Yibo raised his hand in the general direction of his parked car and nodded once, ready to take his leave. Xiao Zhan nodded too, taking a step back as if he was blocking the man’s way. He was munching on his lips all along.
They were only a few strides apart when Yibo halted in his steps. Not on his own accord, but instead by the hand tugging on his elbow. He gasped and turned around, moving his eyes from the hand gripping strongly on his arm to the man it belongs to.
His brows arched, his face questioning, no words uttered. “Wait… wait.” Xiao Zhan looked equally clueless at the moment as if asking himself why did he do it.
When Yibo tried to free his arm, he subconsciously tightened his grip. Only when he heard the younger hissed lowly did he broke out of his reverie. “Sorry.” But instead of letting go, Xiao Zhan tugged and caught the man in his arms. The apology could be for hurting him, but could also be for his next action. Who knows?
“I’m sorry.” He muttered another apology, this time with a completely different meaning. Yibo still got what he was trying to say anyway hence he tried to break free. Is he finally tired of pretending?
But the more he struggled the tighter the embrace. Xiao Zhan pressed his face on the shorter man’s shoulder, sniffing loudly. Only when he exhaled shakily did Yibo realise his coat was damp. He instinctively looked up and saw it had been drizzling all along. But the steady stream on his shoulder wasn’t from the sky.
“I’m sorry.” It hurt to hear him repeatedly apologising, mimicking a mantra at this point. So Yibo put one hand on Xiao Zhan’s back and slowly patted. His other hand was gripping tightly on the man’s coat.
Yibo hushed, as if coaxing a baby. The situation they were in brought in a sense of nostalgia, taking him back to many years ago. Back to an equally quiet and cold night.
“I’m so sorry, Yibo. It hurts. Everything hurt so much.” Xiao Zhan pressed his face deeper, naturally tightening the embrace, leaving no space between their chests. Some might get the idea the man was crying over his separation but Yibo knew better. It was clear as day what he was implying and he, too, is a man who could resist everything but temptation.
Don’t take him wrong, the resentment was all there, but he thought he deserved this moment. To be where he is now.
“Ge.” He tried again when the man didn’t respond. “Gege. Zhan-ge.” The sobbing quieted down but the tears were still steadily flowing onto his shoulders. But now he had the man’s attention. “Ge, listen to me. Mistakes are always forgivable if one has the courage to admit them.” Yibo rested his chin on Xiao Zhan’s shoulder as he smiled. He couldn’t believe after so many years, he finally got to be the matured one between the two.
Xiao Zhan was silent for a while, taking in the words. He was reluctant to let go once he calmed down but he knew the younger was probably so uncomfortable at this point. He hastily wiped the fluid on his face using the hem of his coat before making eye contact with the younger.
There were words exchanged between them in the dead silence of the night. There were too many words left unsaid. They finally admit the mistakes they made many years ago. They couldn’t go on like this.
“Can I see you again?” Yibo could mentally hear the ‘please’ at the end. He nodded and smiled in assurance. “Yeah. I’d love to.” This time it was genuine.
After hailing a cab for the older man, Yibo finally got into his car. Only then did he let out the breath he didn’t realise he was holding in.
With the shaky exhale came a lone tear sliding down his rosy cheeks. He quickly wiped it away and drew in another breath but new stream kept coming until he was full-on weeping. The engine was a low hum in the background as he sobbed and wailed in the privacy of his car.
Yibo clenched his shirt and put his head on the wheel. For many years he had spent self-loathing and suffering from the breakup, there had been one thing that always has been clear to him. There can be no deep disappointment where there is no deep love. And tonight, almost thirteen years later, he could no longer deny the yearning of his heart. Could no longer silence it for always loving the man that hurt him deeply.
On the other side, Xiao Zhan rested his pounding head from the crying and drinking on the cold window. Tonight he saw his defence crumbled before his eyes. All along he held on the principle that there were never mistakes in life, just different paths that lead to different ends.
Can you live with no regrets? What truly deems as a mistake when you believe at the end of the day, all is well.
He went through the questions again and again in his head until he could take the headache no more.
Fishing his pocket, he took out his phone and immediately found the contact of the younger man. The very man that caused the downfall of his fairytale-perfect marriage without his knowledge.
He stared at the screen blankly until it turned black. After heaving a deep breath, he finally started typing something, sending it and put it back in his pocket. He played with the white gold band on his long digit for a moment before slowly slipping it off, clenching it tightly in his fist until it left a dent on his palm.
‘Yibo. My dear Wang Yibo.
All this time I wasted looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect love. If anything, you should probably know this by now.
Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching our children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce. But I’m scared there might be one who would die of heartbreak.
Yibo… if anything, let us always meet each other with smiles after this.
For the smile is the beginning of love.
I loved you, I love you, I will love you.
Always. Always have been, always will be.’
He didn’t know who to thank - it could be the divorce attorney. It might even be his soon-to-be ex-wife. - but one thing he knew, he owed them big time. For giving him a chance to right the wrong. For letting him meet Wang Yibo once again.