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You always knew yourself to be a sentimental person.
But sometimes you surprise even yourself.
You didn't expect to find yourself back in the Crystarium so soon after leaving, but as if in a daze, you walked right through that portal and set foot in the Ocular once more.
To find it empty-- you felt your eyes well up almost comically fast. Why, you can't help but repeat over and over to yourself, why does this sight fill you with such overwhelming grief? Why, when you know that the man who once stood here waiting for you is now back home on the Source, waiting for you once more, alive and well?
Why does your heart ache so badly?
You can't help but linger-- and the silence is deafening. Of course, there's the hums of the Tower and the mirror portal, but that wasn't what you were looking for. There were no longer sounds of chatter like what you had grown accustomed to in the time you spent on the First. The Exarch was no longer here, welcoming you home, asking how you were faring with a gentle smile on his face, looking at you with equal gentle eyes. No longer was Beq Lugg present, standing by the door to the Umbilicus, asking you to stop by once in a while to visit your friend, as he quite enjoyed your presence and was always so happy with you here.
There was no one at all, here in this room you had spent so much time in. And that broke something inside of you.
Strange, how the emptiness tricked your heart into believing that you would never see them again-- those precious friends who had become a part of your daily life; whose being here made you feel whole.
You knew neither of them were dead, no, they were quite alive and well-- for this, you were eternally grateful, and would continue to be for the rest of your days and beyond-- and yet the pain you felt was so strong that if you didn't know better you would think they were truly gone.
Your feet carried you out of the Ocular, slowly, and toward one of the higher floors of the Tower; you remember you fought a massive red dragon here (and, less remarkably, three Azers) during your expedition into clearing Syrcus Tower of hostiles-- and more recently, you remember the Exarch telling you that he was less than pleased that he was not allowed to join you during said expedition.
The expression he had on his face at that time flashed through your mind, and it became hard to breathe.
His smile, telling you this and reminiscing about your time together as Elidibus' conjured Warriors of Light popped into existence before you, and his eyes, so full of melancholy yet so gentle gazing at you-- his adoration and love for everyone at Saint Coinach's Find, Garlond Ironworks, and you , especially you , shining so brightly in his ruby eyes… it made you forget, even if just for a moment, what was happening around you.
The pain on his face when he rose to his feet once more pulled you from that peaceful moment and back into the harsh reality you didn't want to face. He ushered you forth and reassured you he would catch up with you. You didn't want to leave him, you were terrified to leave him, how could you protect him if you left him behind?
By the time you notice, you've already made your way up to Amon's chambers; the red carpeting beneath your feet gave as much away before you had a chance to wonder where you had wandered off to. Here, you of course fought and defeated Amon, and more recently, rushed toward your final destination and your inevitable encounter with Eldibus. You didn't want to be here-- Xande's throne room was too close by. The closer you got to that next flight of stairs, the harder your heart would pound, the harder it would get to breathe. No, no, you didn't want to see it again.
And yet, you continued on.
And as you walked up those carpeted stairs, you saw it.
And it broke you all over again.
Your feet dragged across the crystal flooring, the soles of your boots scraping and scratching along the way, and you stop before him. Him, you say, but you know that… what you see before you is nothing but a crystallized statue-- a hollow shell standing it's silent vigil.
But that statue was what remained of the man you love-- at least here on the First. You have to keep reminding yourself, no, no, he's alright, he's okay, when you return to the Source and to the Rising Stones, he'll be right there waiting for you, just like you had left him. He's probably wondering where you went off to right about now, and this thought brought a small amount of comfort to you as you stared into the empty, glazed over crystal eyes of the body he once inhabited.
You couldn't help yourself-- the head of the statue is tilted upward, as the last thing he saw before entirely crystallizing was you, and something about it made you laugh a bit through your grief. He always has been so much smaller than you-- still is, of course, still standing at a tiny 5 foot 2 while you yourself were about 6 feet tall, and no matter how far away you were, he'd always have to tilt his head back to see you properly.
As you stand before it, it was like he was looking up at you, as if nothing was wrong.
Nothing was wrong, you repeated this to yourself as you stare into its hollow blue eyes, nothing was wrong, he's perfectly fine. He's not in there anymore.
The statue wore a smile, that self same smile the Exarch always wore when addressing his people, and when talking to you. Gentle-- much like the rest of him-- kind, knowing… and you knew that it was for you that he smiled this final smile, to reassure you that even as he froze over it would all be okay, that you wouldn't be without him for too long.
Looking at it was difficult. You wanted to look away, but your eyes wouldn't allow it, instead forcing you to look, look at the corpse of your beloved friend, who you couldn't protect, who wouldn't allow you to protect him, because he wanted to protect you , save you . Your mind vomits self-deprecating thoughts and tears flow from your agonized eyes because you couldn't help but feel as if you failed him.
Your vision was growing blurry, clouded from the overwhelming amount of tears that pushed themselves from your eyes, but even through your tears, you noticed your hand had made its way up to the face of the statue, cupping it's cheek, running your thumb over the spot that had been crystal for the entire time you were on the First with him. Now, it was smooth, just like the rest of the body, as if it were never jutting out and stretching across him in the first place.
The statue smiled at you, so warm and loving. You smiled back at him, and choked out a sob.
You touched your forehead to his; it’s cold-- even though it was now a part of the Tower, it wasn’t enough to warm his corpse. The crystal that had covered his body was always warm, you remember. When you would lay with him and you’d brush your hand over the parts of him that had turned, you remember you expected them to be cold, but they never were. Always warm to the touch, just like him. He always was insecure about those parts of his body, always saying that the sight of them made him feel as if his body was not his own, that they were parasites growing on him, disgusting-- But to you, it was him. It was beautiful. He was beautiful.
He still is beautiful, on the Source. Even this crystallized corpse is beautiful. After all, it was still him. You pressed a kiss to the statue's lips, his cold, smooth lips, and the lack of reciprocation broke you. How many times could you break before it grew to be too much for you to handle, you wondered.
You sunk to one knee, not even acknowledging how awkward it was for you to finally settle into a place that made draping your arms over the statue even slightly comfortable. Your arms looped under his and curled upward, unintentionally mimicking how he used to hug you-- how he still hugged you. There was no heartbeat from within. You don't know what you were expecting, or why you expected any different, but the silence made the tears come even faster, harder. You were starting to feel ill from sobbing so hard.
You should go back, you keep telling yourself. Go back to the Source, stop sitting here torturing yourself. Go home, and be with him. You told him that you would never leave him behind again, so why are you still here?
You said that to the one in front of you. The statue staring at you. It’s just his body. His soul wasn’t here. The one you said that to wasn't here, and was waiting for you elsewhere.
Oh how you wished the statue would return your embrace, feel his arms wrap around you and rest his head against your shoulder. Rub circles on your back and breathe out a sigh of contentment, as he always did. Listen to the purring that would rumble low that he had finally gotten back into the habit of doing now that he had no reason to hide his identity. The tickle of his ears flicking and brushing against your cheeks as you laid your head atop his.
Apologies flood forth from your mouth, but no one was there to hear them. Why did you want so badly for someone to be there to hear them? Did you even want someone to be there to hear them in the first place? Maybe knowing that no one could hear you and see you like this was why you were able let so much out. You're not sure.
There was no point in apologizing. You knew that even if he was upset with you, he would tell you that it was alright just to make you feel better.
You didn't even know how much time had passed since you began embracing the statue. It could have been minutes, hours, days… it felt like forever to you, trapped in a time prison of your own making. You unwound yourself from the statue and looked at it one more time, rising to your feet.
You loved him. You still do. Always will. You loved the one you met all those years ago, who left you to slumber within the Crystal Tower until the world needed him. You loved the one in front of you, who you found once more after 100 long years had passed him by, now stood motionless for all eternity as a symbol of progress and hope, like he always had been. And you loved the one who was with you now, who was both combined, yet neither of them--a different person all together, you couldn't help but think. You knew it would break him if you told him that-- make him regret his decision, wish that he had stayed here on the First to continue being the Exarch even though there was no way that would have been possible.
You would move on eventually, of course. Come to accept the situation more than you already do and continue to treasure G'raha, treasure the time you have spent with him and will continue to spend with him. You're just so happy that you even have him still, original body or no.
You placed one final kiss upon the statue's crystal lips and stepped back from it, turning on your heels and making your way back to the Ocular. You hoped that no one was wandering around the upper floors of the Tower-- it would be rather difficult, not to mention awkward, to explain why you were even there, and why you were crying, at that. Worst case scenario, running into Lyna while you were like this. You were grateful when you reached the Ocular doors that you hadn't stumbled across anyone.
The Ocular was empty, as you expected, and as you had left it. And just as before, you wished it wasn’t. You wished he was here to greet you, like he always used to. Walking through the doors, seeing him turn around and watching a big, bright smile grew across his face, welcoming you home… but you would never see that sight again.
It was only a matter of time before you would return here, and repeat this same set of actions. How many times would you do it before you begin to feel numb?