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Isn’t it just wonderful that you sometimes imagine your future with someone and think that it would be great if it comes true and when that actually happens you are filled with this immense joy that makes you happy almost always. That’s how I feel when I remember that Type is mine.
My Type is a force to reckon with. From being homophobic to being the person he is today, he has changed so much into a great person. My love for him keeps increasing day by day. He makes me the happiest I have ever been and now that we have been together for 7 years , I want to make this happiness a permanent thing in our lives.
I want to marry him.
I want to do a cliché proposal. Get down on one knee with a beautiful view behind us and my Type glowing before me.
Now the only thing is that I don’t know whether Type would glow in happiness or in anger. Type has always been aversive towards the subject of marriage. This always gets me thinking if it’s me. Maybe because I am a male. A gay. Maybe he still hates gays and getting married to one is too much for him even after being together for so long. Maybe he still has doubts about us. Maybe he still doesn’t like the notion of people knowing that we are together.
Even though I know that Type loves me and would never leave me , I still feel that maybe I am not enough. Because if I was ,wouldn’t Type be ready to spend the rest of his life with me. We already are like husbands anyways. We already live together and do what most married couples do. Marriage would just be showing everyone that we are together now and forever officially . That he is mine and I am his. There are many such thoughts that plague my mind on daily basis. I know these thoughts are baseless but they keep on plaguing my mind.
But I want to do this. Want to get married. But before doing the cliché proposal that I have in my mind, I want to talk to Type about this one last time. Know about his opinion and then take him to the place where I have always envisioned asking him the question . But if Type still hates the idea of marriage then maybe , maybe we aren’t meant to be. Even thinking this hurts. But this is important to me and I want Type to know it. I don’t want Type to be in a relationship that he feels isn’t the end game for him.
Tharn finally built up the strength he needed to talk to Type. It was kind of funny that he even needed any strength because this was Type, his Type that he was going to talk to . His boyfriend and if he permits then soon his husband.
Type was lounging on the couch and watching soccer match on the TV. Tharn slowly sat near him. He thought of talking once the match ends but just as he sat on the couch, Type turned and snuggled him. Tharn let out the breath that he was holding and gently rubbed circles on Type's back.
“What is it? Why are you so tensed? Did something happen at work?” Type's concerned voice melted Tharn's heart. Type now could understand that his inner turmoil without him even needing to open his mouth.
“Tyyyype I love you” the moment Tharn uttered this a deep red blush formed on Type's face and neck. Even after seven years of being together, Type would still blush hearing those words. Seeing Type an amused chuckle left Tharn which in turn gained him a hit on the arm from Type.
“What’s wrong with you Ai'Tharn?” Typed asked faking an annoyed tone. Tharn knew it was fake ,afterall he could see Type trying to hide his small sweet smile that was only reserved for Tharn.
Taking a deep breath Tharn started, “Type why don’t you like marriages. Why don’t you want to get married? Nothing is going to change even if we get married. You know that only our titles would change, right? ” Type was agitated the moment the words left Tharn. He started squirming which didn’t go unnoticed by Tharn.
“Why are you suddenly bringing up this topic Tharn. You know I don’t like talking about it.” Type tried to get up and leave but he was soon encaged in Tharn’s arms. “Type you can’t run away this time. Atleast give me a clear reason as to why you don’t like talking about marriages.” Tharn who was looking at Type until then, lowered his head and in a small voice whispered “ Is it because of me? Is it because you are still not comfortable that you are with a gay? If so then Type we can’t be like this. We can’t be together.” Tharn’s voice cracked with unshed tears blurring his vision.
“Ai’shia Tharn , what the hell are you even talking. After being together for seven years is that the only thing that comes to your mind. Are you an idiot. Why the fuck do you think I am here right now beside you if I didn’t want to be with you or if I was uncomfortable. Are you totally out of it?” As Type spoke each word his voice kept on increasing. At this point Type was literally yelling at Tharn.
“Then tell me Type. Explain it to me. Tell me why don’t you want to get married.” Tharn too yelled this as Type’s raised tone only made him more frustrated. “ It’s not what you think. Marriage is something …. something that.. that I… Tharn please let go of this topic. I don’t want to talk about this.” Type sent a pleading look towards Tharn.
But Tharn wasn’t having it. Even though he saw how his Type struggled to form a sentence , he still needed to know the reason. It was breaking his heart forcing Type to talk but his insecurities would not leave him away unless he knows the actual reason. “Type please. Please tell me. I can’t have these insecurities killing me each day thinking that maybe one day you would leave me and never come back. I can’t stop thinking that maybe it’s because I am not enough or I am not the one meant for you”.
Type was going through a lot of emotions. But shock was the biggest one. He was bewildered.
Why would Tharn think of himself as so little. Why would he even think that I would leave him. Does he still not trust me enough.
Type was overwhelmed by his thoughts. They were straight up depressing and he knew he needed to stop them. Him feeling sad wouldn’t go well right now. He needed to clear everything with Tharn.
“Tharn stop these nonsense thoughts of yours. It has nothing to do with you.“ Type stopped Tharn when he saw that Tharn was about to open his mouth with a small shake of head. “No listen to me first. I love you and would never leave you. Loving and being with you are different from getting married.” Type took a deep breath to calm himself down. "Tharn I have seen a lot of marriages crumble right before my eyes. I have seen many be madly in love and then fall out of love just after getting married. You want to know how, well that’s because those people expected too much and gave too little. People think that because they are married it’s not necessary to show their love sometimes. Or other times they take the other person for granted. I don’t want that to happen to us Tharn. “
“But Type why go far when you could see how happy your parents, my parents and even P'Tong are. You know how happily in love they are. How can you even say that Type? And when you know that people sometimes do that ,then we could avoid that happening to us Type.”
Tharn was confused. He never thought that Type had such negative feelings towards marriages. He just thought that Type wasn't ready because theirs would be a gay marriage.He knew his parents and also Type’s were still madly in love. He was flabbergasted as to where Type’s beliefs came from.
“ Tharn everyone you mentioned are simple and sweet people. The people that I am talking about are more like us. Or you could say one of them is more like me. I know how difficult it is to deal with me. I know how complicated I am. I don’t want to get married and lose you. I don’t want to not be able to stand up to your expectations and fail our marriage. I know you want kids in the future. But I don’t. I know you will get annoyed of me when we grow older. How would you even be able to take care of my snappy personality when you would be irritated by everything I do. I don’t want to tie you up and change everything that you once dreamed of doing when you get older. I want you to be happy Tharn. I don’t want to suffocate you with how and who I am. I love you Tharn and your happiness matters the most to me. I… I don’t want to make you feel as if you are caged with me. No. Never. Wherever you are happy , I will be too. And I don’t think you will be happily married to me Ai'Tharn”
Type was heavily breathing at the moment. He was choking on his feelings. He knows what he said was only a part of the Strom brewing inside his head. His fear of losing Tharn is way more than what he lets out.
He knows he has changed. He is far from the homophobic that he was once. But his character is still the same. Still fierce and blunt mouthed. He doesn’t want to hurt Tharn. Not now not in the future. He thinks that the comfort of marriage would only bring strains to their relationship. They would stop making efforts and Type is scared of it. He can’t live without Tharn and if he stops making efforts, he feels like Tharn, his Tharn would slip out of his life.
Type’s words were a mixture of his thoughts and a lot of problems that they had to talk about. But right now Tharn was speechless. He had never expected Type to think so low of himself. He never expected Type to think that he would tie him down. Even though Tharn wanted to talk , he didn’t know what to say. Everything was messed up in his head.
Type hadn’t spoken clearly too. His monologue was a messed up version of his thoughts. Now he understood why Type hadn’t wanted to talk this out. His Type was always a man of actions rather than words. He always had trouble in expressing his worries. But this , this was something that Tharn had never ever imagined him to say.
Type needed to know that they are in this forever and Tharn was set on proving it to him and also making Type talk out his messy thoughts completely.
That night they slept with their backs to each other. Tharn had been too out of it to talk or sort anything. Whereas Type was exhausted from letting out his fears. They silently sat there for hours and then moved to the bed. Tharn knew he had to talk but he was busy formulating plans as to how he would prove Type that even after getting married their love would remain the same. Tharn wanted to show Type how much he loved him and how they would live happily together.
Type on the other side was a mess. He didn’t have any idea what was going on in Tharn’s head. He thought that maybe Tharn would leave him now. Type thought that Tharn had realized how their future might be and he finally decided to leave him.
The situation was something he felt that he had brought upon himself and it only made him cry. While Type was silently sobbing on one side there was Tharn on the other side preparing to show Type how much he loved him.