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Jun had always loved the stage. The feeling of sweat on his body, the adrenaline pumping in his veins, the shouts of fans, yelling their names at the top of their lungs in a perfectly coordinated chorus.
He wasn't one of those people who was born to perform, like Seungkwan or Soonyoung, but he, just like many others of his mates, had gotten used, even addicted, to the feeling of being on stage over time and he had also gotten better at it.
So, years after their debut, why was he so stressed? He couldn't find a logic answer to the quickened pace of his heart, to the terrible games that his mind was playing him, like imagining falling on stage or missing a note or messing up the choreo.
do-everything will be ok, and even if it won't, those things can happen, if you mess a bit it's not a huge problem - he kept telling himself, but at the mere though of making a mistake, his heart jumped in his throat and his stomach tightened in anxiety.
What the hell was happening to him?
His mates were also tense, the sting of anxiety in their stomach only making them more determined to go on stage and show what they could do. The type of adrenaline tha was rushing theou their bodies was the positive one, the one that pushed you forward even when you were exhausted and the type that made you nail every single move. But Jun wasn't feeling the same way.
The type of anxiety that raged in his heart was the one that didn't prompt you to try something because a small voice was costantly saying 'you'll fail miserably'. This kind pinned you down and made you gasp for air, so singing and dancing seemed an impossible task for Jun
"Two minutes" some staff member shouted so everyone could hear him and the group started to gather in one point, their headsets and mics ready to be turned on, their outfits wrapping their bodies like gloves and their minds settled on just one goal: make sure their fans had the time of their lives.
Jun joined the groups for their usual cheer, smiling through the fog his mind was being wrapped in and the costantly increasing beating of his heart that was threatening to explode in his ribcage.
It was too late to back off now, the only thing he could do was go out there and do his best, even if he just wanted to be in a warm bed while his favourite movie played on tv, possibly in China
Soonyoung shouted some encouraging words, hyping the group up and making them laugh, but Jun didn't catch on what he was saying.
The moment arrived and he placed himself on the platform that would bring them on the huge stage, beside him Jihoon and Seokmin.
-You know the words, you know the choreo, everything will be fine, they all love you- the rational part of his mind costantly reminded him, but that didn't stop his stomach to flip uncomfortably.
The base started playing, music bursting in the air of the stadium, sovrasting the loud cheers of Carars gathered there from all over Asia.
He stood up, always keeping an eye on the closest person and following their movements.
The opening song went smoothly: on the outside, Jun was perfect, his movements sharp and swift as always, the rhythm flowing through his veins like always, while a smile never left his face. On the inside, however, things were not so good.
The anxiety didn't leave Jun for a single second, his guts twisting with panic, while the physical effort did nothing to help his already laboured breathing. By the time the music subsided and the lights went off, he could feel his lungs being squeezed, and his throat tightening. He struggled to inhale and exhale properly and the world around him was starting to spin vertiginously, becoming fuzzy at the edges.
He barely managed to run off stage before all of these confusing sensations crashed down on him. He stumbled on his own feet, falling on his hands and knees, wheezing and struggling to get oxygen in his body.
His mates, of course, noticed, crowding around him and asking questions Jun couldn't answer because he couldn't understand a single word they said. His mind had momentarily forgotten all the korean he had learned in the past few years, and the seemingly foreign language his boyfriends were talking in only aggravated his anxiety.
He felt lost, helpless and vulnerable and he felt like it was the worst time and place to be weak.
In the chaos of limbs, hands and voices around him, he could only screw his eyes shut and scramble to an half standing position, running in no direction as soon as he found a passage in the crowd of people around him.
He barely registered the doors, staff members and machines he passed by while running away from everything, the voices of his mates calling his name only a vague sound behind him.
If you asked him how he found himself in a storage room, curled up on the floor, with hands above his ears and eyes shut tightly together, he wouldn't be able to answer.
He only knew it was dark and cool in here and he was alone, though he didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. A good thing, however, was the silence.
It wasn't absolute, but at least the noises from outside were muffled enough to let him gather his thoughts.
- Dark, silence, alone, dark silence alone, dark silence alone darksilencealone...- these were the only words his vulnerable mind was able to elaborate, too afraid to think outside of these three elemental concepts.
However simple this method was, it worked and his breathing slowly but steadily calmed down to a more regular rhythm, while his heart didn't feel like it was about to burst his chest open.
Oxygen was slowly spreading in his blood once again, allowing the fog in his mind to dissipate a little, enough to allow him to elaborate what had just happened. He had had a panic attack that had led him to hide from his mates.
God, he wasn't just hiding, he was ruining the whole concert and putting a weight they didn't need on his boyfriends' shoulders.
The mere though of them struggling to cover his part in the choreo and deciding who would sing his verse was enough to bring back the feeling of drowning, chocking on his own breath while all of his limbs trembled.
"Noouu" he whined, curling further on himself and burying his face between his knees, sensing the anxiety building up once again.
Before the situation could degenerate like before, however, a soft knock on the door distracted him. The noise was followed by the soft voice of Minghao, his sweet, lovely Minghao, speaking in their native language.
"Junhui... come out, please" he begged him.
-Hao, this is Hao, I know his voice I know what he's saying, I have to get to him- his mind processed this though at hundreds miles per minute, while his body moved on his own and scrambled to his knees, fumbling with the door knob to get to his mate.
"Hao" he desperately yelled, voice hoarse and broken.
He finally managed to pull the door open, to find the lanky boy in front of him, smiling down to him with a tender and worried expression.
"Junnie" he said, falling in his knees as well and welcoming his boyfriend in his arms, letting him pant in the crook if his neck until the older's laboured breathing calmed down again and his harsh breaths gained a more normal and regular pace.
"Shhh, it's ok, Junnie, everything's ok, I'm here with you, please calm down love" Minghao kept whispering in his ear in mandarin, accompanying his sweet words with tender strokes on his hair and tear streaked cheeks.
Jun felt like he was finally able to let go. His mind went blank as soon as he felt his lover's arms tighten around his shoulders and his heart felt at peace, like he was finally back to the place where he belonged, like he was taking a long breath after a prolonged apnea.
They stayed like that for several minutes, just kneeling on the dirty floor, ruining their stage outfits and holding each other, Jun's head lulled on Minghao chest and their legs tangled together.
When the younger alpha was sure his mate had calmed down and was able to understand him, he gently took his shoulders to separate from him, only to cup his face and thumb at the tears Jun hadn't realised he had spilled.
"Listen to me, love, focus on my voice, can you do that for me?" He said, always smiling at the older.
Jun nodded.
"Good boy" Minghao praised him "Now I'm going to move us to a more comfortable place, okay? There will be other people, but you only focus on me, understood?"
"Hao..." Jun breathed out, scared at the perspective of abandoning this peaceful state.
"I'm here baby, I won't leave you, I promise. I'll stay by your side through it all and I'll protect you. You're my mate, remember? My beautiful alpha and my big baby, I'll take care of you" the younger dancer reassured him once again, stroking his face and hair tenderly.
Jun finally nodded, groaning with the effort of stranding up on trembling legs.
Minghao kept faith to his promise and stayed by his sides the whole time: while they walked back to the dressing rooms, while he laid him down on a sofa, while someone put an oxygen mask on him and while a needle breached the fragile skin of the inside of his elbow, pumping a little dial of clear liquid in his veins.
Jun had fussed a little when he saw the strangers approaching him with weird objects that scared him, but Minghao told him everything that was happening in mandarin.
"Shhhh, it's okay Junnie, the mask will help you breath better, ok? You put a bit of pressure on you lungs, so we have to help them a little, it won't hurt, I promise" he said, massaging softly his chest and sternum.
And again
"Okay baby, this will sting a little, but it'll help you get better, ok? It's a tranquilizer, you're not feeling well now and it's a medicine to help you get better, just stay still and the doctor will be done in a second"
As the drug kicked in, Jun felt his head get heavy and his mind drifting away. His eyelids became like lead, closing themselves as the image of Minghao above him became blurry and confused and other voices started to surround him again, this time talking a language he was more familiar with.
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When he woke up, he was still on an uncomfortable sofa, alone in the dressing room.
The only sound came from a small monitor that showed what was going on on the main stage. He watched fascinated as his pack bowed one last time, saying their last goodbyes to the fans that cheered loudly for them and waved their carat bongs.
They were definitely a sight to see. Maybe it was still the effect or the tranquilizer, but they looked radiant in his eyes, proud, beautiful and, most importantly, happy.
The sight filled his heart with pride but also delusion.
-I made them work double because I wasn't there and I let down carats too- he sadly thought, tears swelling his eyes.
In just a few mimutes the pack left the stage and from that, it didn't take long for them to reach him.
They found the chinese alpha curled up on the sofa, his posture slouched and deflated, his glassy eyes casted downwards.
He raised his face when he heard them come in the small room and they all surrounded him as soon as they took in his state, knowing how depressed he must've been feeling.
"I'm sorry guys, I don't know what got me" he apologised sadly, accepting the warm hug Seokmin engulfed him in.
"You don't have to be sorry Junnie, this kind of things could happen to everyone" Jeonghan softly consoled him, running his fingers in the younger's messy hair.
"Hyung is right, the most important thing is that you're alright now" Chan intervened, smiling down to him and earning a small smile from the alpha.
"Okay love, wait for us while we change and then we go home and just cuddle and relax, I promise" the head alpha murmured, kissing his mate's forehead and walking away to get rid of his sweaty clothes.
While the others spread in the changing room, Jun caught Minghao's wrist in his fingers, holding him back.
"Sorry Hao, I...I just wanted to thank you for before. You really saved me, talking to me in chinese and holding me, so thank you" he said, a, shy, almost sorry smile on his lips and his eyes full of love.
"No need to thank me Junnie. You would've done the same thing for me" the younger only responded, stroking his hair tenderly and watching as the older leaned in his touch.
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Later that night, Jun was cuddled up against Seungcheol's chest, his face pressed on his pectoral, relishing in the steady sound of his heartbeat, only the two of them in the nest while the others washed up.
"You don't have to feel guilty for today" the head alpha started, mindlessly running his hand through Jun's hair.
"I feel the same way sometimes. I just suppress the whole thing and usually explode after the concert, possibly far from you and the others, but everyone has a different way to deal with anxiety"
"Hyung..."
"What I want to say is: don't keep it all in. If you're not feeling well, in any way possible, just tell us, ok? Forget about choreographies and songs, your safety matters much more to me than those things" the head alpha concluded, tilting Jun's head so he could look him in the eyes.
Jun nodded, never averting his stare from the older's and accepting eagerly the slow, lazy but tender kiss Seungcheol pulled him in immediately afterwards.
He whined softly when they separated, already missing the feeling of soft lips on his and sandalwood scent all around him.
The head alpha smiled down at the little noise his mate let out, stroking his cheek.
"Promise me you'll talk to us" he said
"Promise me you'll do the same" Jun retorted.
Seungcheol chuckled at his donsaeng response, but nodded.
"Ok, ok. Let's just trust each other and our boyfriends more, the both of us" he finally said, locking his pinky with Jun's and sealing their promise.
"Would you like to sleep with me tonight?" The older asked afterwards "I can send Jisoo and Jeonghan off somewhere else if you need some smaller space and less people around" he offered.
"Can Hao come with us? He helped me a lot today, I want to stay with him"
"Of course he can, sweetheart" Seungcheol smiled down to him.
He then untangled their limbs to allow them to stand up and walk toward the room he shared with the two oldest, picking Minghao up on his way.
The three of them snuggled in the huge bed, Jun in the middle, safely surrounded by his mates' arms and warm chests. He felt protected, like nothing could hurt him in the small, happy bubble of tenderness, while the two alphas' love and attentions washed away the bad memories of the concert, kissing the sadness far from his mind.