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Gojo Satoru is strong. The strongest. Gojo Satoru is one of the only special grade sorcerers to ever exist, the strongest one alive.
But Gojo Satoru is also an incredibly weak man.
The sky is clear, moonlight filtered through his curtain, dimly lighting up the wooden floor of his room. It's quiet, it's so deafeningly quiet that he can hear every single tick of the clock that is hung above his television across the room, and though it is currently the middle of summer, it feels strangely cold. His finger hovers over the screen of his phone, over the displayed contact information of a certain someone. Just one tap away.
Just one tap away and he would be calling him.
Gojo Satoru is a weak man. Yes, he's strong, but not strong enough that he can confidently say that he hasn't thought about doing it, hasn't been this close to doing it, many many times before. He doesn't even know if Getou still uses this number, maybe Getou has changed it now that he's a wanted criminal.
Getou's contact on his phone haunts him like no deities could.
He thought about deleting it countless of times before. He hates the last messages they exchanged to each other, it's so normal that it makes him sick to his stomach, how one day Getou was texting him about how he forgot his wallet at home and the next he didn't text him at all because the man massacred an entire village and murdered his very own parents.
A part of him wonders why Getou had never opened up to him about his inner turmoil regarding the world of shamanism, but a bigger part of him wants to beat himself up for failing to notice the gradual changes in Getou's behavior. No, that's not entirely correct. He did notice the changes, it's just that he trusted Getou and Getou's strength so much that he didn't try hard enough to reach out to him. Thinking about that makes him want to hide himself fifty feet under the vast ocean.
Sometimes he wishes he hates Getou.
He's angry at him, upset at him, but he doesn't hate him. He wishes he has the ability to hate him. If only he hates Getou, he wouldn't miss and long for the feeling of the body of a certain person laying down right beside him more often than he would like to admit. If only he hates Getou, he certainly wouldn't be here right now; laying on his back, on his bed, staring at Getou's contact information on his phone, thumb hovering over the screen.
Once again, Gojo Satoru is a weak man.
He tries not to think about him, most of the time. Being the strongest sorcerer alive in this era means he's always drowning in missions so that really helps in keeping his mind busy. But of course, there are always nights like this. The rare nights where he's on a break and it's quiet and he's alone with no one but his own thoughts and he just misses Getou so badly it makes him feel nauseous. He misses the time before all of it happened, the time where he can just ring Getou up whenever he felt like it and they would talk about so many unimportant things that have nothing to do with their line of work. He wants to pretend like they're still the same people they were back then. He wants to pretend and just call Getou's number like he used to.
And so, he does exactly that.
Gojo taps the call button on Getou's contact before he can second guess himself again for the hundredth time.
He puts his phone right beside his right ear, his hand shaking slightly as he does so. The sound of the dial tone feels louder in his ear than it actually is. It beeps once, twice, three times. Okay, he thinks. This is good. Suguru isn't picking up, so after this, I can just sleep and never think about doing this ever again and—
"Satoru?"
He freezes.
It's just like in the past. Getou never began his phone calls with a hello, it's a habit of his. Gojo used to smile thinking about it, a person like Getou Suguru not being able to start a phone call with a hello or something like a "This is Getou speaking". He rarely ever allowed himself to genuinely smile at any thought of Getou since he left, though. Getou is a curse user, he told himself. Getou is a wanted criminal. Getou murders innocent people. Getou left him. Getou never even broke things properly with him.
But tonight, he lets himself smile. Gojo Satoru feels tired. Perhaps it's the overworking, the exhaustion caused by going on God knows how many missions without break. Just this once, he tells himself. Just this once, never again, he's allowing himself to do this just for tonight.
"I'm bored," he says.
It's a ridiculous thing to say to someone whom you haven't spoken to in months. He used to do it all the time, though, before Getou left. Calling Getou whenever he has nothing to do (or whenever he misses him), telling Getou that he's bored and Getou will humor him if he himself has nothing else to do. Will Getou hang up after hearing that? Will he hang up now that things have very obviously changed between the two of them?
To his surprise, Getou lets out a light chuckle.
"Are you on a break right now?" he asks. "When was the last time you had one?"
Gojo stares at the dark ceiling of his room, trying to think back on it.
"Uh, like two or three weeks ago I think," he answers. "They finally let me catch some break after exorcising these two special grade curses up in Sapporo. I wish I can spend my break there but apparently, it's holiday season so I couldn't find any decent place to stay in so here I am spending my night in my room."
"Why don't you go out?" Getou advised. "It's barely 9 p.m., the streets should still be busy now."
Gojo hums as if he's truly considering it. "Nah, I don't really feel like going out," he says. "I've been going outside for missions for weeks so now I just feel like staying in."
He hears the sound of liquid being poured, probably into a cup, from Getou's end of the line.
"Can't you ask Ieiri to hang out with you or something?" Getou asks.
"Ieiri has a date tonight. Can you believe that?"
"I can."
"Anyways, I tried calling Utahime but she said no before I even said anything and hung up the phone." He can hear Getou laughing softly at what he said, he tries not to think about how good it sounds in his ears.
Gojo turns his body to lay on his side, he slips his feet under the blanket that is folded neatly on his bed. "Hey, what are you doing right now?" he inquired.
"I just finished making a coffee when you called," he replies.
Gojo raises his eyebrow. "Instant coffee?"
"No, I bought a coffee maker last month. I personally think my very own homemade coffee tastes really good." Gojo supposes that is one of the many things that have changed in the past few months. "So yeah, now I'm just watching this one movie they're airing on TV."
"What's the title?"
"Green Lantern."
"Goodness gracious that movie sucks ass," Gojo can't help but scowl. "I bet you haven't watched any good movies in the past few months, you've always relied on my superior taste in movies. Bet you're missing me so bad because of it."
"Sometimes I do."
That caught Gojo off guard.
Gojo certainly did not expect that reply. Gojo knows he was the one who brought it up in the first place, he wonders why he's taken aback by it. It's not as if he never wondered about it before even if he always tried his best not to. It's not as if he himself doesn't miss Getou in return.
If you miss me, then come back, he wants to say. But he knows Getou won't. Getou would not return even if he misses him. Gojo breaths out a humorless laugh.
"You're cruel, Suguru."
"I'm only being honest."
Right. Getou who decided to go against the Jujutsu law because he disagrees with it. Getou who left to follow his own set of ideals. Of course he was only being honest.
And what about Gojo himself? Laying down here, calling Getou's number.
Gojo stares blankly at the dark corner of his room, pondering. He's not lying to himself, but it now hits him that all this time he hasn't accepted reality in its entirety yet. He kept telling himself that he has when in truth the whole thing hadn't fully sunk into his skull.
Getou has gone too far in the eyes of the Jujutsu law, there is no chance for him to just waltz back as if he didn't have the blood of countless lives on his hands and Gojo needs to accept that. He needs to make his peace with the fact that Getou had chosen his own path, the fact that he is never coming back, will never be able to. Gojo needs to accept that how much he misses Getou or how much Getou misses him will not ever matter.
Just like Getou himself said; he wasn't being cruel. He was being honest.
Gojo brings his left hand to his face and rubs his eye with it. He sighs.
"I wish you don't," Gojo finally mutters to the phone. "Miss me, I mean."
"I'm sorry," Getou answers. It's an apology for missing him, not for leaving him, not for the crimes he did, and somehow, Gojo thinks he's okay with it. Getou had chosen his own path, he's not apologetic for it and he supposes that that's the truth he needs to learn how to accept.
"You know," he whispers, "we never actually broke up."
Through his phone, he can hear the sound of Getou's soft breathing. "Yeah," Getou says.
"Suguru?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm breaking up with you."
Getou is quiet. A few seconds pass without either of them speaking, and then, suddenly, Getou chuckles. "Okay," he says.
Gojo simpers, his shoulder feels a little lighter than it was. "That's it?" he asks.
"Hm?"
"You're not even gonna ask why or beg for me to take it back?"
"Should I humor you?"
"Of course you should! See, maybe this is why I broke up with you."
He hears Getou letting out an amused huff at his end of the line. "Okay. Can I ask why?"
"I have decided that dating curse users are an absolute No in my book, no exceptions," Gojo answers. "So don't think you can win me back." Getou laughs.
The line goes silent, but it's not uncomfortable, nor is it tense or sad. Gojo feels like his mind is a little clearer now. Of course, he still misses him, and a part of him is still angry and upset at him and he thinks that that will probably never change. But perhaps in the future, he will heal from this. Maybe if they were to ever encounter each other face to face again he wouldn't be an upset mess like how he was the last time he saw him.
Gojo slips his feet out of his blanket, turning around to lay on his back. "Okay I need to hang up because I have to go to the bathroom," he says. "Just so you don't think otherwise, I'm still mad at you."
"Sure," Getou replies, and though Gojo can't see him, he knows that he's smiling. "And Satoru?"
"Yeah?"
"Have a good night."
Gojo smiles. "You too."