Chapter Text
“Hannie! Hannie!”
Seungmin blinks his eyes open, irises trying to adjust with the pitch blackness surrounding him. It must be one of the nights; a night when bad dreams try to bug Hyunjin and disturb his peaceful sleep.
His throat constricted unwillingly before padding out from the room and barging into the next door. Hyunjin’s eyes still shut closely but how his chest waves unevenly, fringes stick to the forehead all sweaty, Seungmin did nothing but patting his boyfriend’s head gently and cradling those warm cheeks in a physical reassurance manner. He kisses the damp forehead, not wanting to let go.
“Shhh sleep Hyunjin. It’s okay, you’re okay.”
Those heavy lids won’t budge open even an inch despite the strained yelling just now and gradually Seungmin can see how Hyunjin is back to breathe calmly and those unsettled creases now look rather serene and tranquil. They flattened back seconds ago, thanks to his sincere touch, he hopes.
Seungmin blinks, long and hard.
Hyunjin might be calmer now, but it’s never the case for Seungmin. His eyes still burning in pain, tears threaten to fall and his heart. His heart bleeds more than he could imagine.
It shattered like an abandoned glass and Seungmin knows there’s no safety pin that can patch them together.
Not even a brand named Hwang Hyunjin.
Cliché, horrible even when Seungmin’s mind wanders back to what's happening one month ago.
“Give me the chance to heal your heart, Hyunjin.”
Dead lord, he loves Hyunjin so much it hurts. Seungmin is not the type to sacrifice everything for a mere smile because it’s not worth it deadly but Hyunjin somehow, always be an exception for him.
‘We always break the law for a certain someone.’
Be it hanging up the stars on a depressing night, or swimming all the way to Antartica—Seungmin will do it all, just for those crescent eyes to lit up again like a moonlight penetrating the sole darkness on the night canvas.
True, Seungmin is greedy like that.
He kicks the pebbles on the sidewalk.
But how autumn seems to let those dead fallen leaves fall aimlessly on the concrete, that’s also how Seungmin now, in his favourite season, walking aimlessly without knowing where to stop.
His greediness is getting nowhere but causes him to dread further, hurting deeper when Hyunjin seems that he can’t let go of the past; the beautiful moments of him with Jisung.
Seungmin is grateful and he never complains because in Hyunjin’s conscious mind presence, those chaste, shared kisses are real, those warm hugs are alive and those i love yous - fuck, they give Seungmin blithe hopes: sometimes he feels like he can defeat those singing birds every morning when Hyunjin tells him that.
“Love you, Minnie!”
Seungmin laughs, expression solemn. He’s sitting on the bench now, under the bald maple tree. Well, the continuous thoughts are tiring. It’s only that moment he realizes they exhausted him that much.
Eyes shutting closely, blocking the blazing sunlight from interfering. It must be nice if Hyunjin is here with him, his remotely tall figure will block those sunlight, casting a shadow and Seungmin already feels safe and protected.
It’s insane how Hyunjin only did the bare minimum and he already felt content. He remembers how Changbin hyung said to him one night;
“This is how you fuck up everything, Seungmin. Love only works with give and take. Two people embroidering the oath, together. Two hearts, unite. That’s the equation. You can’t do it alone. You can’t—heal the person who doesn’t want to be healed.”
He doesn’t reply to Changbin out of respect courtesy to the elder. Changbin is the best hyung and his love advice made Seungmin think he's Shakespeare in his past life. He didn’t disagree nor agree. Nothing couldn't seem to tumble out from his mouth on that time.
How can he argue when Changbin lives up to his words? Felix is the happiest person in love and Changbin is definitely his lost cause.
And yet, Seungmin silently begs to differ.
Love isn’t that complicated. Not all love is in give and take form. It’s ridiculous, unfair even to think how you won’t be able to get to the same par on mother’s love as a child. No, you can’t. That’s the universe law. Love is imbalance, because humans are perfectly imperfect.
Not all should be with the same efforts; because for Seungmin, it’s fine if his won’t get the same return as what he gladly offers, because Hyunjin’s goofy smile is enough to put his heart at peace and his day is already tenfold better.
Less is more and they are more than enough.
Seungmin has been bold like that since the very start.
Until—until last night.
Maybe Changbin hyung is right all along. Maybe love needs to be like tango, it takes two to tango. Maybe mom’s love shouldn’t be compared to this type of mainstream love.
Maybe Seungmin isn’t the one for Hyunjin.
Isn’t the one to heal.
Isn’t the one to patch.
Isn’t the one to love.
He tries to swallow the lump trying to form on his sandy throat. His heart aches, and those pain he’s trying to shove all these while are about to lunge out and make him suffer.
Yet, he tries to shove them down again.
If he needs to go, let only the ethereal moments remain. He doesn’t want the hatred to trail off. He doesn’t want the regret to taint him, because loving Hyunjin is never a wrong thing to do.
Thus, he just wants to allow only joyful memories to be played all over again like a broken CD player.
“You know what reminds me of you?”
“What? It better not be those characters you read on Manga.”
“No dude, you will never be on the same level as them.”
Seungmin is late to realize that he will never be as near as he wants, to those beating heartbeats of Hyunjin.
“LMAO it’s not like I care so… what’s the unlucky thing that reminds you of me?”
“Those fluffy clouds on the sky—wait no. Just the sky.”
“Why?”
“You’re my welkin. You’re high up there, unreachable but I know you’re there and always there. There might be time those clouds aren’t present but you’re still there, accompanying me.”
Seungmin shakes his head and rubs his eyes. Hyunjin must forget that those skies somehow will cry too, the light will dim and one day as the world is ending, they will collapse and ruin everything.
That time, the sky is reachable, and can be grasped by arm’s reach but it will be scattered in no use, no more.
That time might be long to come, but in Seungmin’s fate: the time for him has already tuned in, bugging him to step away.
He needs to go and be unreachable like Hyunjin’s welkin.
He needs to go far away, but as the brown maple leaf somehow makes its own way to lay on his palm, Seungmin halts his movement.
They said, if one grabs the maple leaf with someone’s presence at the moment, the love will be forever and they will be destined together.
‘Ahh, Hyunjin isn’t here.’ Seungmin chuckles. What has been he thinking? He thought those heartbreaks already made him escape those head over heels phase but—guess not.
His IQ is still at the alarming state. Later, after he fixes his broken heart, he surely will fix his goddamn mind too, let them free from any Hyunjin related facts.
And now he just needs to take the first step, it’s already torturing without Hyunjin nowhere near him but he needs to—
“Seungmin! Kim Seungmin, wait!”