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As the distance tapered into a handspan
I feel this warmth of mine
This universe is filled by you
A little more, and more
It is a picturesque and florid autumn again.
Hyunjin stirs awake and he smiles. That’s the only thing he does, the first routine after waking up. Smiling, as his heart blooms with how some of Seungmin’s messy hair strands sticking out from the white comforter as the thick burrito covers half of Seungmin’s puffy face down to his toes.
Even with most of his face unseen, Seungmin still looks adorable to Hyunjin. (It doesn’t make sense but aight, let him be in love some more.)
He just adores silently at Seungmin’s calm sculpture as the chirping bird singing along in the background. It looks like their happiness is resonating with his own too. Hyunjin may be exaggerating on that, and on how he notice the sun is beaming warmer than ever today yet so radiant seeping through the thick layer of the white curtain and casting a shadow of them on the headboard.
He may be exaggerating all along — but does he have any power to stop them? To stop his heart from beating all lively when he wakes up to Seungmin still comfortably snuggling under his embrace?
No.
Not when he can stare at Seungmin with all relief pools up his throat—realizing that Seungmin is infinitely his, here with him all real and unquestionable.
Hyunjin quietly pulls the comforter and reveals his boyfriend’s baby-like face with his scrunching nose despising the sun’s streak that suddenly disturbs his peaceful sleep. Hyunjin wants to laugh but he suppresses them and he instead, leaning closer and giving a lingering kiss on Seungmin’s forehead.
“Wake up, sweetheart.” He prods his right side of head on his palm, arm flat on the bed watching Seungmin’s reaction after the kiss is billed while his another hand delicately ruffling the ravenette’s hair.
“Don’t wanna.”
And yeah, of course Seungmin is pulling up the comforter again as an attempt to go back to his slumberland.
Hyunjin is about to playfully complain and nags (and coos at the same time because his sweetheart is so cute lord help) on how they have so many agendas piled up in today’s to-do list before Seungmin actually pushes the comforter off and looks at him with eyes still half closed.
“Wait... did you just kiss me?”
Hyunjin quirks an eyebrow. “Yeah, why?”
Now Seungmin is mirroring his action as he turns his whole body to face Hyunjin. He can tell that his boyfriend is now fully awake and Hyunjin opts to close the subtle distance between them by pulling Seungmin’s waist closer to him.
Maybe if Hyunjin doesn’t know Seungmin better, he will say that is a shy smile hanging at the corner of Seungmin’s lips and his rosy cheeks are subtly asking for another kiss.
“Can you gimme that again? But this time... here.”
Sorting his eyes towards where that slender index finger will land on, Hyunjin leans back and eyes widen as he just realized Seungmin is actually asking for another kiss but this time on his lips. Seungmin’s face is callous from anything but Hyunjin is faster to catch that quick and bashful smile seconds prior.
He squints his eyes and tries to nibble on his lips but nah, Hyunjin found the fireworks at the pit of his stomach is hard to contain. Because. Wow. On. Seungmin’s. Lips.
On god, he swears his heart absolutely did a backflip when that happened. It might sound weird but Seungmin kind of despises morning kiss because he once said, “Why would you kiss me when you still don’t brush your teeth, dumbass?”
Seungmin Rule in Life: Hygiene first, Hyunjin second.
”You sure?” Hyunjin can’t help but to foolishly grins. This is once of a lifetime event, really.
Seungmin juts out his lips but those crimson cheeks are helpfully betraying him. “Meh, take it or leave it.”
“Aite ofc I’ll take it! Everything for my sweetheart.”
With a nonexistent distance between them, he gently places his hand on Seungmin’s nape and he stares again at Seungmin and locks their eyes. Seungmin is smiling so beautifully and he hears nothing but their thumping heartbeats together.
Hyunjin found himself coming closer and closer until their lips finally touch and then there’s this: joyful sparks which already rush through his veins oftentimes and sensing on how Seungmin’s lips move harmoniously in sync with his — Hyunjin knows they’re long immured in this intoxicating fettle together.
The kiss was short yet it jolts his dizziness to the very bone and the world seems to stop between the smooth intervals. That’s how impactful Seungmin is in his life.
No more lonely yet deafening morning Hyunjin needs to face, no more irritation coming from the rising sun in the west which end up picking on his skin, blinding his eyes and burning him.
None of that, because Hyunjin already found the right warmth he loves — and he kisses Seungmin’s lips once again.
No matter when, I’ll be the light among the hazy fogs
No matter where, when you lost your way, when you want to rest
I will run into the passing moments
At the split second of that moment
It is a picturesque and florid autumn again.
The fallen leaves drop down to the concrete and the green grass all the same, but despite a personified autumn breeze wrapping him up in sheer solace — he has the greater blessing than that: Seungmin is comfortably wrapping his arms around his tall torso as their grains of jeans stick together on the park bench.
Hyunjin slightly turns his head and gives a light peck on the crown of Seungmin’s head. It smells like cherry.
It’s cold because winter will come later in two weeks, but the warmth Seungmin’s body radiates being too close to him like this, Hyunjin knows he has no regret to utter. He likes it too much even.
“Jinnie,” Seungmin doesn’t look at him as he’s busy tapping his fingers on Hyunjin’s fabric lace rib cage. It tickles, but he doesn’t mind.
“Yeah?”
“Do you know when exactly I started to fall for you?”
It's just a mere instinct flashing up his mind, but Hyunjin ends up complying and side hugging his sweetheart tighter, arm securely enveloping Seungmin’s tiny waist. Hugging is always one of the effective ways to mask the giddiness that starts to creep out his face.
He never knows if his heart is ever be ready to listen to an epic confession tumbling from Seungmin’s mouth later.
The cherry smell is addictive, Hyunjin can’t help himself but to dip his head deeper on Seungmin’s direction and smooches his hair for a second time.
There’s something bubbling up his trachea in respond to that but seconds passed and he’s still silent. He’s more talkative but in their sweet dynamic, Seungmin’s words are more trustworthy to be heard so he lets his sweetheart speak first without any interruption from him.
Casually, after a tinge of consideration he decides to speak up. “If you ask me then I don’t know. You never tell me.”
“To be honest I don’t know too.” Rolling his eyes, he boops Seungmin’s nose with his lips and the latter giggles before locking their eyes. “But I know exactly on what point it triggers my curiosity and it never left me ever since.”
His orbs don’t leave that soft face. “I don’t know if you’ll ever enclose that point to me, but I’m forever glad they happened.”
“So you wanna know?”
He doesn’t care if the passerby thought he’s being possessed by a demon on how hard he nods his head. Cool Hyunjin be damned as he just wants to know the early twinkle of all these.
“It’s stupid but promise me you won’t laugh.” Seungmin’s eyes are getting smaller giving him warning and it makes Hyunjin laugh. And so, with a child like demeanour, as cute as possible, he raises his right palm and promises Seungmin, “Promise, promise. I won’t laugh.”
Seungmin brings down Hyunjin’s hand and intertwines them. Hyunjin loves it when he’s drowning endlessly in those smiling ocean eyes. Deep but they are ultimately ethereal.
“Emm back then when we’re still in our second grade in high school, my Bio teacher said that if you have a crush on someone for more than four years, it doesn’t count as a crush anymore. It should be considered as a true love.”
“Oh?”
Seungmin’s eyes turn into crescent looking at him. Hyunjin knows more than anyone else that his face is ridiculous - with mouth left agape and eyes shining with amazement. If Seungmin is about to tell him in the most biological way he knows he will have a trouble understanding then so be it.
He can’t bring himself to care when Seungmin is all passionate like that. His eyes already brim with bliss and excitement and Hyunjin is baptised by this scenery alone.
“Because after four years — biologically speaking, all those feelings aren’t hormonal driven anymore. Dopamine and serotonin are long gone and it’s replaced by oxytocin. You familiar with oxytocin?”
If before Hyunjin thought he'd been pulled into a dark tunnel, now he seems to be stuck in there forever. A bit dramatic he knows but all these new discoveries make him faze in silence. He isn’t familiar with scientific jargon but maybe he knows about this hormone.
“Oxytocin? Love hormone, isn’t it?”
Hyunjin witnesses how Seungmin's eyes shine in amusement before the younger cradles his cheeks in his velvety palms. “I never knew my Jinnie is this genius.”
Hyunjin pouts before continuing to lay his head on Seungmin’s lap. The bench can’t provide enough space for his lanky limbs to lay there comfortably but Seungmin is there to make everything tenfold better. Hence, he doesn’t care if he ends up with sore muscles later.
“Eh but you said they’re not hormone driven anymore but oxytocin is still a hormone...?”
“True.” He shuts his eyes when he feels those fingers gently combing back his overgrown fringes. Every touch of Seungmin sends absolute ardent through his root. “But oxytocin is different. Rather than it drives all those attractions and motivations like the previous hormones did, it creates emotional bonds between the two persons. Like between you and the person you love. In this stage, people are willing to commit to the ‘come hell or high water’ of relationship as all the mushy stages are long gone.”
Instinctively, his eyes are darting up to meet those chestnut brown orbs. Seungmin looks dazzling under the sun’s beam, his delicate features look more prominent and more surreal. Hyunjin’s heart feels like drumming a sappy love song.
“You mean like you and me.” He brings his free hands to embrace Seungmin’s torso and snuggles his face closer to his lover’s tummy. “If you ever feel like arguing, please stop doing so because no invalid arguments allowed here.”
Seungmin chuckles before he peeks on Hyunjin’s pouty face planted on his shirt. “Not now, not ever. Obviously no argument from me sunshine, because that’s the only truth that unfolds.”
Hyunjin exhales while Seungmin proceeds calmly, “We are attached to the hips since we’re kids so I don’t really know when exactly the four years timeline appear in my life - if it ever happened - but it struck my guts the day you sprained your ankle at your soccer practice.”
Oh.
Oh.
That day was hell for him too.
Seungmin was a head boy back then, all busy with his endless student council tasks and that’s when Hyunjin thought he’s already lost his best friend, his other half and he’s beyond stupid to debunk all the hidden rages at grassy smell of the green field and injured himself while on that.
That was his biggest mistake in life.
He thought Seungmin doesn’t care about him anymore, time descends for them being together and he feels so lonely yet it is too deafening to bear. Seungmin had that effect on him but the latter never knows, does he?
Seungmin always has this strong facade that makes him more reliable than others but that day, Hyunjin was proven wrong. His mind can vividly portray how teary Seungmin’s eyes were when he stepped into the infirmary and his whole body shaking watching his best friend can’t walk properly for nearly two weeks.
He still can picture how Seungmin tried to suppress all the ugly sobs within him but the feeble wall was completely broken as he cried uncontrollably and those sorrys didn’t fade away that fast, lasting for moments and plastered on that (now) vivaciously telling lips.
Did he really hurt his angel that much?
“Only God knows how much my heart twisted when Innie told me about you at that time. I don’t even care about those incomplete paper works. The only one I’ve thought about was you and that’s the time I realized I was scared with the idea of losing you.”
That stunning face is far away from crestfallen nor regrets tainting his features, Seungmin looks all glad and relieved and so terribly honest — but does Hyunjin deserve Seungmin in any way?
“Don’t you think I was being overly dramatic at that time? It was just a Grade 2 sprain but I was already crying like you’re about to move country and leave me alone.” Seungmin briefly pauses before rubbing his temple and his eyes still don’t meet Hyunjin’s as he’s fully embarrassed rewinding back the memory. “I told you, it’s really stupid so don’t laugh—”
Seungmin pauses mid sentence when he feels his shirt somehow getting wet by… Hyunjin’s tears?
“Oh my god, love, why are you crying? Are you hurting somewhere? Is this bench too hard and uncomfy? Are you hungry? Hyunjin please tell me I’m scared.”
Seungmin hurriedly wipes away those unstoppable tears before peppering Hyunjin’s face with soft kisses. Hyunjin can tell Seungmin is at a loss cause but he looks very endearing and mesmerizing when their breathing matches together like this.
In all honesty, Hyunjin wants nothing but time to stop ticking so that they can stay like this longer, longer than the universe allows them to. So, he did what his heart told him to, seaming their lips together and he is relieved once he felt Seungmin's sweetness vibrating through his uncertainty.
He breaks Seungmin’s heart years years ago before this, countless times, so he never understands how far Stubborn Seungmin could reach just to keep Hyunjin beside him, in his angelic life that Hyunjin knows it deserves goddamn better. Better than he could afford to offer.
“You wanna know how I could reach this far? Well, without you knowing you’re the biggest catalyst of that.”
Hyunjin widens his eyes before lunging himself out from Seungmin’s embrace and the latter just chuckles. Did he say that out loud, his running thoughts?
Seungmin leans his head on his shoulder and fingers play with Hyunjin’s metal rings. “I never know why you always think you never give enough or good enough for me because you did, sunshine. More than you thought.”
“I— i don’t think so, Minnie.”
“Ouch!” Hyunjin didn’t see that coming but Seungmin already mercilessly squished his puffy cheeks. It doesn’t sting that much but Hyunjin loves being dramatic. “What’s this for?”
“You said it yourself that there’s no invalid argument from me, silly. So that applied for you too. You might think you’re slick enough doing all those secrets behind me, without me knowing but aight you choose to underestimate me, I see.”
Hyunjin covers his mouth as he scoots further from Seungmin. Secrets? His rationale already short circuited the moment Seungmin muttered those words. Just don’t tell him Seungmin actually knows about everything.
Seungmin breathes. It’s actually funny on how after years do they finally reopen the old stitches of memories.
“Do you really think I don’t know that you’re the one who puts all those banana milks in the prefect room with those cheering sticky notes intact, freaking everyday for me? Do you really think I don't notice that you’re the one that keeps checking on me every night on those days I was having fever and not anyone else? Do you really think I… actually don’t realize that you’re sulking because I couldn’t accompany you to the soccer practice like I used to? You think I won't realize that?”
Seungmin smiles genuinely before both of his hands reach for Hyunjin that keeps moving his butt further away from him.
So Seungmin indeed knows everything.
Those flooding thoughts, they fuck with his head and he’s really really about to explode with the possibilities of how he got busted — but despite all those floating questions, he finds himself settling in Seungmin’s gentle arms again after that.
“That’s why I was going insane when you were injured because it’s partly my fault and I know that.”
Hyunjin is so fast shaking his head in a disapproval manner. “Stop blaming yourself over my stupidity. It’s never your fault to begin with.”
There’s a light peck at the side of his head and Hyunjin hooks his chin more comfortably on Seungmin’s shoulder afterwards. He never expects for his deep buried secrets to actually swimming back to clarity.
“You know better than anyone else how bold and stubborn I am in life. I was so bold thinking that maybe you realized that you’re in love with me earlier than I was. With all those borderline friendly gestures and those smallest stuffs you did to me had give me some hopes but then... Jisung happened and ditto. I was wrong all along, weren’t I?”
Hyunjin doesn’t know why those words bring a dagger to his heart. He is all silent listening to Seungmin but now, it’s time to put everything back into translucency as Seungmin has every right to get them more than anyone else.
Indisputably, if Hyunjin needs to repeat the reassurance for Seungmin like a broken CD player, he really will.
There’s beauty strikes of pinkish violet ambiance on the evening’s horizon above but Hyunjin knows nothing can beat violet ambience reflected on Seungmin’s irises.
They are the most beautiful ever existed as they offhandedly beat the aurora in Alaska.
The taller smooches Seungmin’s earlobe before detaching their tangled limbs. “And if I say you’re right all along?”
“Then I’ll be the happiest person alive.”
Hyunjin's heart hammered with determination. That’s his oath towards himself; to make Seungmin as the happiest person alive.
“...there’s no Jisung anymore in my life. It's always you. It always been you from the start.”
“You’re right. I realized it way earlier than you but I’m a coward and you never say anything about that so I think — mine will never be reciprocated. I never lie when I said you're my first because you truly are. Sweetheart, I’m not saying this to put your heart at peace because lying won’t do anything good. This is my sincere heart speaking.”
“But Ji—”
Briskly, he cups Seungmin’s face in his now cold palms as the evening breeze blows harsher than before. He cradles them with so much care like Seungmin's cheeks are the most expensive diamond shaped on his hands. “He’s my past and he’s happier with someone else now. But to reassure you and be honest with myself, he’s nothing more than my youth infatuation and he’s just the same. I make peace with my past so no more nightmares, promise.”
The air surrounding them is currently heavy with an aberrant chill but Hyunjin is warm inside as his eyes catch on that ruddy face beaming jovially towards him.
Seungmin really shines brighter than the moon that starts to sneak out behind the evening clouds.
“You know, I'm never not glad asking you for the second chance back then because you're finally here - staying the nearest to me.”
Seungmin rakes his hair back and continues with just the same glee tone as his. “And I’m never not glad trying to heal you when Changbin hyung kinda implied that I was stupid for that. I’m not stupid ok I’m just stubborn.”
They burst out some continuous giggles after that. Both hands cozily intertwine, not letting each other go.
“I think we really need to thank him for putting up with our foolishness.”
Seungmin nods. “We really need to.”
Hyunjin knows nothing about astronomy, or why it takes exactly for The Sun to take 225 million light years to complete one circuit — just like the way he has no idea, on why his world keep gravitating back towards Seungmin no matter how far he runs away.
But he maybe knows now how fate is always has the best timing for everything - like how oxytocins appears later than the other, or like how Seungmin never gives up and Hyunjin never stops walking back to him.
Together with all of those stars
With the glimmering light, they watch over the two of us
When you smile, when the blooming aurora embraces my surroundings
Feeling like I own the entire world
To the end of the universe, you’re the only one of me
It is a picturesque and florid autumn again. But despite the usual brown and drab hues, their eyes are greeted with the poetry of stars married to a tranquil dark canvas.
Seungmin is leaning on his chest, draping all his weight on Hyunjin while the older rests his back on the piled up cushions behind him. There’s a small console table across them - yellowish antic light accompanying the night on top of it and colourful baby’s breath in a glass jar to make up the mood.
It takes time to finally get the string of fairy lights to be hung on the balcony rail because Seungmin is too perfectionist for his own good, but looking at the final result — Hyunjin is glad the decoration looks more than decent. Extra even for a called casual balcony date.
There’s a serene silence that falls over them until Hyunjin decides to break it. Their long legs are tangled together, sharing some warmth in the middle of autumn mist.
“What is that? Southern cross? Andromeda?”
Hyunjin can’t see Seungmin’s face but he’s sure his sweetheart is creasing his brows in confusion.
“Jinnie, we need a high tech telescope to interpret constellations.” Seungmin states ever so softly with his honey dripping voice Hyunjin feels like he’s at the front gate of heaven.
Then he taps the back of Seungmin’s hand. “Sweetheart, can you turn over and face me?” and Seungmin did.
“I’m not talking about the constellations up there, in the sky. I’m saying about those in your eyes.”
“You, oh my god.” Seungmin can’t proceed on what he needs to say and instead he chooses to hide his crimson face on Hyunjin’s shoulder. His voice is muffled floating through the pajama's fabric. “Stop making me flutter, I'm weak.”
Nestling his hands on Seungmin’s waist, he tries to shove down all the flying butterflies in his tummy. He knows he flutters Seungmin but Seungmin should know too that his enchanting presence doesn't put Hyunjin in any better condition. Rather than a win-win situation, Hyunjin is the one more at risk.
Because he is askew, worse than the soul he’s embracing.
The world seems to stop as time ticks by — when suddenly that quivering lips touch his own, heart thumping loudly. He places his hand on Seungmin’s nape to close the invisible gap and answers to that lingering kiss with his own certainty. They move on their own, a bit messily but nothing near reluctantly.
It’s insanely crazy if Hyunjin needs to admit. The tender movements are too sudden without them whispering any words, but as he feels he owns the world in his palms, Hyunjin commits with an open hands and biggest heart he has.
He moves from kissing Seungmin’s lips to both of his shutting lids, then to his nose, proceeds to both of his cheeks and coming in contact again with that inviting pink lips of Seungmin.
Then there’s that, the ephemeral beat disrupting his tipsy mind.
If before he said Seungmin is like his welkin, the wide blue sky that keeps accompanying him whenever, then Hyunjin thinks they’re invalid now.
Because the sky can be dark later at night.
He frequently finds Seungmin is more like the stars and constellations — twinkling brightly and vanishing away his long lonely night.
But stars aren’t real, they’re dead thousand years ago so they can’t be Seungmin. They don’t suit Seungmin.
Hyunjin wants to put Seungmin as an ocean — deep and eerie but it is also calming and tranquil.
But the ocean is scary, while Seungmin is nothing but his remedy.
Maybe he can picture Seungmin as a crashing wave — the one that put an addictive melody to a ghost sea.
But waves are inconsistent and Seungmin is the vice versa, so waves can’t he be.
He sees the beaming moonlight and he thought, it is the best to describe Seungmin.
But the moon is borrowing the sun’s light, while Seungmin is striking on his own.
Hyunjin should be disappointed with how everything in this world is rolling incomparably with Seungmin’s perfection.
He should be disappointed, but watching the blithe hovering over his sweetheart’s face — Hyunjin is inspired by one thing. He wonders why this never nail his brain or maybe it did, but slipped away the moment it arrives.
Seungmin can be his everything.
In these ultimate incompleteness that completes the mundane — a universe.
Seungmin is his universe.
Hyunjin’s universe.
My universe.
That suits Seungmin the most. The ebony haired can be everything in the universe - the sun, the sky, the moon, the ocean and the wave, including the aurora.
No limitations and no exceptions.
His widely open universe is there, sitting before him and staring at him like only Hyunjin is the one matters the most at the moment. Looking at how bright Seungmin’s eyes staring at him, his assumption might be true, though.
But for now, nothing is about him. Autumn is Seungmin’s. Even himself is Seungmin’s. Only Seungmin that matters, right at the moment, in this serene space. As his yearning heart asking loudly for Seungmin, Hyunjin languidly put their foreheads together and as smooth breathes invading each other’s, Hyunjin speaks.
“Instead of telling you, you’re like the sky to my existence — my welkin,” Hyunjin caresses the face that keeps taunting his night with the sweetest dream. “I want to propose you to be my entire universe, can I?”
Hyunjin doesn’t know how ethereal it will be if Milky way fondly smiles because again, he doesn’t do astronomy but maybe, he kind of gets the bits of the idea now.
“If that what makes us gravitate back to each other’s axis, then why not?”
fin.