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Doug does not hate his job at Neverwinter Ultimate Fun Park: Water Edition (NUFP:WE) . The work isn’t hard, just boring, and sometimes he gets to send the tidal wave ride down with very precisely unfortunate timing. He shows up, sweats profusely into his polo shirt for a few hours, and goes home. Except for Fridays. On Fridays, Doug has to run the Wild and Wonderful Ocean Attraction. Someone in upper management thought it would be a great idea to have ‘educational opportunities’ available for park guests, and as a result, Doug is standing in the middle of an extended platform that protrudes out into a big circular pool, explaining to extremely bored children how exactly a skate eats.
Henry is wildly out of his depth. Go to the water park with your boys, they said. It’ll be great, they said. There’s no way they can do extensive property damage there , they said. Whoever they are, they are wrong . (‘They’ refers to Glenn. So, actually, this outcome is not very surprising.) The drive up with Darryl and Grant went great! They only caused each other one injury the whole way, and not even a big one! They included Grant in their conversation, talking about the Fortnite for at least ten whole minutes. They only sort-of tried to push the attendant off the spiral slide platform. They did try to scale that platform instead of taking the stairs, so thank god for Darryl and his quick reflexes. Henry has chosen to ignore that about twenty minutes ago a game of chicken turned into Lark, Sparrow and Grant all trying collectively to drown Darryl. He sincerely hopes that they were not actually trying to kill him. He realizes he hasn’t seen them in about three minutes. Henry takes a deep breath.
“Darryl,” Henry says, very, extremely calmly. “I seem to have lost track of Lark and Sparrow.”
Darryl looks appropriately fearful. “Uh oh.”
Henry quickly climbs up on a nearby railing to get a better vantage point, scanning for two bright blonde heads. He puts his hand on Darryl’s shoulder to steady himself, and -
“Aha!” There. He makes eye contact with Sparrow as he is disappearing into a nearby building. Sparrow waves and beams at him, missing his front tooth, and Lark follows his eyeline, grins at Henry, and they both enter a building declaring itself to be “Home of the Wild and Wonderful Ocean!”
++++
Most of the kids that enter Home of the Wild and Wonderful Ocean are annoying. They’re bored and their parents keep trying to get them to focus and learn . The other end of the spectrum are the excited ones. Doug has seen maybe 3 kids come in out of their own free will. He likes those kids; they stare with bright eyes, gasp and cheer at all the right moments, and ask questions he doesn’t know the answer to and he can tell them to buy a book from the gift store (which his boss loves ).
2 kids walk in and Doug knows immediately that these kids will be both.
They’re twins, two kids with blond curly hair and a look in their eye that usually means Doug’ll have to mop soda off the floor. One of them smiles at him, a little gap toothed smile that promises jam on glass panels. The other beelines for the biggest sea snake they have and presses his nose against the glass to glare at it.
Doug sighs and hopes they don’t have a runny nose. He isn’t really supposed to move from his spot on a little platform in the middle of the room so he just watches them walk slowly around the room, smudging fingerprints across the glass for about twenty minutes.
Then it’s (finally) time for another presentation. It’s just Doug and the twins in the room, but he starts anyway. “Ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages, gather around and learn of the wonders of the ocean!”
The twins stare from where they are, unimpressed. Doug ignores that and continues through his script, but all he can think about is: he’s going to have to ask one of the twins to hold a snake and that sounds terrifying .
++++
Doug is unable to make it very far into his spiel on the wonders of the ocean and its varied ecosystems before two pairs of eyes begin to glaze over; the twins’ bodies slowly leaning toward the exit. You’re losing ‘em, Doug. Go for the gusto, it’s time for the snake. Clearing his throat, Doug leans over his box of props and digs out a plush toy, seven feet long from end to end. “This,” he says, the prop dangling from his outstretched arm, “is an Electrophorus electricus—”
“Electric eel?” one of the boys shouted, shooting up from his seat and snapping his brother out of a boredom induced daze.
The still sitting twin narrowed his eyes and after some scrutiny simply said, “That’s a snake.”
Doug, taken aback for a moment, smiled through gritted teeth. “This is a South American electric fish, mistaken for an eel but actually classified as a knife fish.” It was, in fact, a snake.
Budgetary constraints meant the exhibit’s props were made up of donated detritus no longer wanted by the children of several park employees. Fortunately, Doug’s confident delivery seemed to placate the boys, for the moment. “Now, check this out, why don’t you boys stand next to this? Really get an idea of how long these fellas are.”
“Really long,” said the standing twin, quite enamoured with the plush not-an-eel. “Lark, I am going to outgrow that nautical beast. Perhaps not today, perhaps not even tomorrow, but by the weekend, surely.”
The boy named Lark simply shrugged. “Dear Sparrow, that simple toy, though impressive in length, pales in comparison to the living, slithering, Dr. Veronica Power Coil.” As those portentous words fell from Lark’s lips a brightly coloured actual-ass-snake slithered it’s way out the bottom of his right pant leg.
“Sweet, merciful Christ,” Doug screamed, leaping up onto the railing as though the floor were suddenly lava or the new home of a freshly introduced snake. “Where the hell did that thing come from?”
“I do not concern myself with where my subjects came from,” said Lark.
“We care only where they go from here,” said Sparrow. “We move ever forward, never backward, like a shark. Do you perchance have any sharks here? It’s why we came in the first place.”
A shrill, piercing scream shot out from the Home of the Wild and Wonderful Ocean exhibit. Henry’s head snapped in the direction of an all too familiar shriek of panic before locking eyes with Darryl, a wave of understanding falling over them.
“Oh my God,” Grant chuckled. “This should be good.”
++++
Screaming in the presence of the Oak Twins was completely common. More often than not, people were screaming around them, in fact.
But, of course, every time there was screaming around his boys Henry had some sort of catastrophe to handle.
At the screaming, the two adults dashed down the hallway, passing aquarium exhibits that cast everything in a blue light. The kids stayed close behind, the twins excited while Grant looked more apprehensive. And behind them was Doug. He was praying to every entity they knew that this was just some woman over reacting at a snake being fed or something like that. But alas, it would not be.
In front of Darryl and Henry, who had miraculously managed to stay ahead of the group, was the biggest snake they had ever seen. The giant creature was at least eight feet long and as wide as a two-by-four. Standing in front of it, pressed against the glass, was the most terrified middle age woman. She was screaming bloody murder, hefting her purse like it might make some difference against the monster.
Doug trailed behind the pair, eyes widening. He’d worked here for three years and he could say confidently; This snake did not belong to the water park. They could barely afford props, much less the giant monster that was writhing across the tiled floor.
“Now that’s a snake!” Lark declared excitedly, side stepping around his chaperones to look at it. Veronica Powercoil was no where to be seen so Lark knew she gotten to where she needed to go. The larger snake issue wasn’t hurting anyone it just looked….nervous. Like it knew it wasn’t supposed to be here and that someone would try to hurt it.
As Lark stepped forward it spun around with alarm, rearing up and hissing at the small boy. It’s tail thrashed on the floor, the top of its head almost touching the low ceiling. What was going on? Why was it here? Who was this? Friend or foe? Was it threatened? All these questions ran through it’s mind in a frenzy as it gave a warning strike at the air. Stay away. I will defend myself.
Henry immediately put his arm in front of Lark, yelping in alarm as the snake tried to take a chunk out of his beautiful son.
Good god, Henry thought to himself, we might have to fight this thing.
++++
“H-hey, Mister Snake?” Henry said, trying to steady his voice as much as he could, trying not to sound as weak and inferior compared to this beast as he felt. “We mean you no harm, we just… If you could maybe, not be so threatening, please. We really don’t want to hurt you, I promise!”
Intensely focused on the snake as he was, Henry didn’t notice the wild looks exchanged between Lark, Sparrow, Grant, Darryl, Doug, and Baretta (the middle-aged woman whose scream had attracted the others). He also didn’t notice that the snake replied in hisses, because he’d inadvertently cast Speak With Animals. Henry was, of course, extremely baffled by the fact that he could understand the snake—but that seemed like the last thing he needed to worry about right now.
“I am no Missster! I am Sassy Stussy the Massy Ssnake! I am a female snake, thank you very much!”
“Oh, oh! I am terribly sorry, Sassy Stussy, my male defaults have gotten the better of me once again. I truly apologize! That was fully my bad! However, dearest Sassy, I would truly be so grateful if you could maybe have it in your heart to not threaten that lovely lady behind you, and our little group of friends here…”
Doug’s eyes grew wider and wider. It took him a full minute to compose himself, to actually accept that he was just witnessing… a… conversation (?) (!!) between that blonde man in sandals and birkenstocks and that huge snake that just came out of nowhere. “Is he… actually talking to that thing?”, he whispered to Darryl.
Darryl, having his hands full with holding back Lark and Sparrow, who seemed like they were trying to sneak past Henry towards Sassy Stussy the Massy Snake, just nodded in response.
Meanwhile, Baretta took advantage of the fact that the snake seemed engaged in a conversation distracted, and snuck away, out of the Wild and Wonderful Ocean World, as silently and as fast as she could.
++++
“Father,” Sparrow calls, hanging off Darryl’s arm excitedly. “Father, if you are communing with this snake tell him…”
“Could be a lady snake,” Grant corrects from behind his father, eyes locked on his phone, choosing a location for his next drop.
“You are correct, young Grant…” Grant gives Sparrow an incredulous look (he’s pretty sure he is actually older than the Sparrow twins), but lets it go with a shrug. “Father, tell the lady snake that I love her!”
“No!” Lark exclaims, practically climbing Darryl, clinging to his neck with just enough pressure to his windpipe enough to cut off his air supply. “Tell her to create chaos! Dr. Veronica Power Coil needs assistance.”
“Who?” Darryl chokes out, trying to pry Lark’s hands off his neck.
“The harbinger of chaos, sir!” Lark shouts in Darryl’s ear. “Born and bred to do one thing and one thing only: cause chaos.”
RIght on cue, they hear a shrill scream as Baretta finds the snake coiled up in her purse, hissing at her, and to Henry it almost sounds like it's laughing. He ignores all that, more concerned about the massive lady snake in front of him, and says, “Okay, Miss Sassy, may I call you Miss Sassy?”
“ If you mussssst,” Sassy says, her eyes darting around the room. “ How did i get here?”
“That’s a good question.” Henry looks over his shoulder, eyes finding Doug, wearing the park’s shirt, and asks, “Do you, by chance, know how this snake got here?”
“What?” Doug is still trying to come to terms with the whole talking to snakes thing. “Listen, sir, if you or your children have anything to do with this just take your snake and leave. I don’t have time for this! My boss is going to fire me.” Doug debates taking a step forward, looks at the snake, thinks better of it and stays behind Darryl. “I have never seen that snake before in my life.”
“We had nothing to do with this, sir” Henry argues, shaking his head. “To think me or my children had anything to do with this is an outrage. Your sons burn one school gym down one time and they’re labelled pariahs by everyone...”
“Henry, maybe focus on the snake,” Darryl suggests and Henry agrees, turning back to the snake.
“Okay, Miss Sassy. What do you remember?”
“ I wassssss hanging with my crew…”
“Snake crew? Interesting,” Henry murmurs and Lark tightens his grip on Darryl’s windpipe.
“Father, father tell her I must learn the location of this snake crew!” he shouts, practically vibrating with excitement. “Father, tell herrrrr. Pleeeeeease!”
Darryl finally pries Lark off of his neck, gently dropping him to the floor, and soon he has two Oak twins hanging off his arms. He’s going to have sore muscles in the morning, he can already feel it.
Henry looks back at his son and kindly says, “Perhaps the snakes would like some privacy, Lark, have you ever thought of that?”
“And they will have all the privacy they need once they make me their king,” Lark exclaims clinging to Darryl’s leg now, skinny arms and legs wrapped around him, and Darryl looks like he’d be happy if he never saw Lark and Sparrow again.
Henry returns his attention to the snake. “So, your snake crew.”
“Yesssss. I am queen of the ssssssnake crew. I share the throne with my wife Maliciousssss Sssssssussssan of the Boa Kind.”
“Lark, I’m sorry, but the snake crew already has two queens. They’re not looking for another ruler,” Henry says without looking away from the snake.
Lark thinks a moment before asking, “Do they need an advisor?”
“Oh, yes, father, I too wish to be the queen snakes’ advisor,” Sparrow says accidentally hitting Darryl in the stomach with his feet. The wind rushes from his lungs and he doubles over, wheezing.
“No one is being a snake advisor,” Henry says quickly. “I’m sure the application process is a nightmare, and who’s to say you’ll even get called back for a secondary interview-” Henry looks back at Darryl, hoping to share a “work, am I right” look, but Darryl isn’t paying attention, more concerned with the fact that he still can’t breathe.
Henry coughs awkwardly, looking back at Sassy, “My sons want to be your advisor, but I’m sure you have dozens of applicants ahead of them. And they really don’t have a lot of references, and the ones they do have might bring up the school fire, but it was one time and we paid for the damages!”
“Father, what are you saaaaaying!” Lark yells, having given up clinging to Darryl’s leg and is now, once again, hanging off his back, hands clamped around his windpipe.
Sassy gives Henry a concerned look, or as close to one as a snake can, and says, “ Hasssss anyone ever told you sssssshould really think before you sssssspeak?”
“Many times,” Henry says and Sassy nods. He coughs again. “So, you were hanging with your snake crew and your lady snake wife.”
“Yessssss. And this man appeared, wearing a ssssshirt sssssimilar to that one…” she nods her head at Doug and he takes a step back, terrified.
Why are they talking about him? Is this snake going to eat him? Is this strange blond man with the ability to talk to snakes, for some reason, going to let him get eaten? Doug looks for the exits, knowing he can outrun these people if he had to, he spent two years training for moments exactly like this one.
“Hey, is that the standard uniform?” Henry asks, looking over at Doug, noting the worried look in his eyes. “You okay?”
“If that snake eats me I’m suing,” Doug says sharply, and Henry is taken aback.
“I don’t like your tone,” Henry retorts, turning his back on the snake to look fully at Doug. He looks super imposing, and Doug is begrudged to admit super awesome.
“I’m just saying, you’re talking to a snake. Talking to a snake!” Doug repeats for emphasis. “And then you look at me! I’ve been warned about snakes wanting to eat me, my boss has made it clear it could happen were we to ever get a real snake, he had me train to outrun a snake…”
“I don’t think you need to train to outrun a snake. They’re not really fast,” Grant says, having abandoned his phone in his pocket to watch all of this unfold. He shares a look with Darryl and adds, “I did a report on them when I was, like, 10. They move at like 12 miles an hour. I think a toddler could outrun a snake.”
Before anyone could respond, Darryl nearly overcome with emotion seeing Grant passionate about something other than The Fortnite, Beretta returns with a middle-aged man. He has gray at his temples, a pointed nose, and his icy blue eyes are looking directly at Doug.
“What is going on?” he demands, his hands on his hips.
“Mister Haberdashery, sir, I can explain…”
“That’ssssss him, ” Sassy tells Henry, reeling back to strike Haberdashery. “ He took me from my home.”
“Sir,” Henry exclaims stepping in front of the snake, putting his own hands on his hips. “This is a citizen's arrest!”
“What is the meaning of this?” Haberdashery finally sees the snake and his face pales. “How did you get out?”
“This is your snake?” Doug is very confused. “But you said we couldn’t afford a real snake.”
“I knew it!” Lark and Sparrow say together.
“Yes, well,” Haberdashery coughs, flustered, ignoring the twins. “Let’s say I didn’t exactly buy it.”
“You stole a snake!”
“ Let me kill him,” Sassy insists.
“I borrowed a snake!” Haberdashery corrects.
“So, you were going to bring her back?”
“Well, no, I just…”
“So, you stole a snake,” Darryl repeats, crossing his arms.
Haberdashery turns to run only to trip on Dr. Veronica Power Coil. He falls to the floor just as security arrives and Henry announces, “Take him away, boys!”
Confused, security hesitates for a brief few seconds before taking Haberdashery into custody until they could find out what happened. Henry volunteers to help Sassy find her way home to her snake crew and snake wife while Darryl and Doug take the kids to the security room to deal with Haberdashery.
Lark and Sparrow insist on being good cop/bad cop, Darryl tells them no, they try to sneak into the interrogation room, and Darryl spends the rest of the afternoon chasing them away from the room. Grant, the drama having passed, returns to his Fortnite, and Henry has a pleasant conversation with Sassy and her wife. Malicious Susan and Henry trade quiche recipes. He plans to double date with Mercedes Oak-Garcia and the snake wives at some point.
Security manages to get the story out of Haberdashery. Tired of the fun park always taking away the funding for the snake exhibit, he took it upon himself to steal a snake just to show that they could, in fact, handle a snake. He wasn’t expecting the snake to get out or to get caught. Doug feels for the guy, he does, but he endangered lives. He’s not surprised when Haberdashery is fired (quite literally they set him on fire). He is surprised when he is promoted to Haberdashery’s position.
“But, what…?”
“Just take the promotion, son,” The Higher Ups told him, winking, and together they floated out of the room, their dark robes swishing behind them.
Once everything is cleared up, Doug personally escorts Henry and his family to the door. He makes sure they’re outside before he says, “So, thank you. I think?”
“Anytime,” Henry says, holding a squirming Lark to keep him from running back into the water park. “I hope you can give Dr. Veronica Power Coil a good home.”
“Me too,” Doug says, already knowing the perfect spot to put her. Lark hadn’t wanted to give her up, but Henry managed to convince him somehow. Doug hadn’t been interested enough to ask. “I do have one request from The Higher Ups.”
“What’s that?” Darryl asks, trying to put an arm around Grant’s shoulders. He effortlessly shrugs him off and starts heading towards the van, Lark and Sparrow following him, and Darryl frowns. He pretends like he’s fine, but Doug can see the hurt in his eyes. He hopes they figure that stuff out at some point, but not right now. Somewhere far, far, far away from here.
“Never come back to the park.”
“That seems kind of harsh,” Henry starts to argue. Storm clouds start to form overhead, a crack of lightning slamming into the ground 15 feet from them, and he immediately nods. “You know what, that’s fair.”
The sky immediately clears.
Doug waves, watching the family drive off, and then he sighs. This has been a crazy day, he’s ready to go home. He checks his watch.
It’s only noon.
Fuck.