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Ray had always liked flowers. His safe space was the luscious green garden outside of magenta.
He would walk through the trails of tall rose bushes and pink azaleas, tending to each individual flower. Giving them all the love he could in compensation for the lack of his own. He would hold the petals softly between his fingers, contemplating his worth as he gazed into the pistils.
He imagined what it would be like, to bask in the warm rays of the sun for hours on end. Perhaps that would be paradise.
An oasis in comparison to the life he was living now. The life where he would sit in front of a computer screen until his eyes were bloodshot. The life where he downed sapphire liquid in attempts to keep himself grounded. Even if he felt it was doing the opposite.
He longed for a companion, just as these flowers had hundreds in front of them. No matter how long he looked, as far as he could see, each flower always had another near. Each stem grew into two, and a flower would bloom.
But Ray wasn’t fortunate enough to be a flower reincarnate, He would never bloom a partner through the grass where he lay.
//
Ray held his gloved hands softly over your eyes, bringing you to your new room for the time being. Until you would leave him like all those who came before.
Being in such close contact, he couldn’t help but smell your hair. He reminisced of the garden, of its scent that seemed to waft off of you like you had lazed in the flowers for hours, engrossing in all of its fragrance.
He remembers bringing you food for the very first time. How his face warmed up at the sound of your voice, praising him for all the hard work he was putting in. He remembers the sincerity in your eyes, the hope in his heart when you said ‘i’ll do as you wish, Ray.”
It was in your words where he would find his joy. His lifeline when he would go back into solitude, and try to focus on keeping track of the RFA’s plans. Until he would see you reply to them. You were doing exactly what he asked. Sparing some of your time so that you could please him.
Of course, there was always a possibility he could be overthinking it. This was a job after all. But regardless of the intent, he found his mind wandering to your flowery scent, rosy cheeks, what it would feel like to hold them in his hands, to stare into your eyes as he did with the flowers as often as he could.
He wanted to hold you in his hands, trail his hands down your back as he kissed you gently. Pull a piece of your hair behind your ear and replace it with a flower out of his garden. Hold you close in his arms forever, not letting you go, feet rooted firmly into the ground in case anyone would try to pry you two apart.
But fantasies like that were only possible in dreams. Dreams too big for him. Dreams so close, but unimaginatively far from his grasp.
His heart was banging in his chest. It felt as if thorns were scratching his throat.
He was standing in his garden, one hand on the blue rose hanging loosely from the bush, and the other grasping the same rose rising roughly out of his mouth. Blood flowed like a fountain onto the flowers below him. And it was this sight that reminded him-
Ray wasn’t fortunate enough to be a flower reincarnate, He would never bloom a flower through the grass where he lay.
He was surrounded by blue roses, a simple omen of his luck, a sign from the universe telling him to lose hope.
A blue rose means impossible love.
He had to remember this, every time you would call to tell him goodnight, Thank him for your last meal, clean up his bloodied fingers he was too anxious to realize he was biting.
He had to remind himself every time his mind would wander to your voice, explore the depths of your body with only his imagination. He wishes he could hack into your mind instead of the messenger. Figure out the way it works like a complex machine. Understand you to his fullest extent, rather, he wishes to know you in every way, inside and out.
The more his thoughts appear the harder his coughs become, the more pressure that pulses through his head.
He chokes on his own spit, discerning the feeling of thorns, drawing blood from the depths of his throat. He retches another blue rose, holding it once again in his gloved hand. It doesn’t hold the same beauty it does on a bush. It’s falling apart, wet and soggy from the copious amount of blood spilled in between the petals.
Ray has no idea what to do, no clue how to feel better. So he does the first thing he can think of to calm his aching heart and pounding head. He calls you.
You answer as soon as he presses the call button. That makes him very happy. You call out to him with the sweetest ‘hello.’ He loves hearing your voice. He tells you about his pounding headache with groans after almost every word. He shouldn’t be doing this. You ask him what you could do to make him feel better. All you have to do is speak. He tells you it’s fine, you shouldn’t have to worry about if he’s fine or not. He just wants to see your gorgeous face. You tell him that you miss him, hoping he can hear the sincerity in your voice. He can. Ray hangs up the phone with a cough and a grunt.
Ray felt his face heat up at the vicarious thrill of even just talking to you. How he longed to see you right in front of him, telling him that it would all be okay.
It was then he felt another thorn scrape from the bottom of his stomach. The feeling of his ‘impossible love’ eroding it into an even deeper bottomless pit.
A voice spoke from the back of his mind, one that Ray had been trying to purge ever since he saw your precious face.
She’s like a dandelion, He hissed. She looks beautiful but she doesn’t belong in our garden, she’s a weed. A weed who will eventually rot and blow away like everyone else.
For once, to Ray, that voice was starting to make a semblance of sense. Perhaps you were like a dandelion.
His mind drifted back to his childhood. Back to the days where he would take care of the flowers in front of the cathedral.
“What is it Saeran?”
“There's a new flower in the garden! I’ve never seen it before...The wind must have brought the seed here. Look at it, V isn’t it pretty? What flower could it be?”
“Oh… This one...is a weed. It’s called whitlow grass.”
“A weed…? But it’s so pretty…”
…
“...The name whitlow grass sounds sad. It sounds like people didn’t really care what its name is. Can I give it a new name? A pretty one too!”
“Of course, since you adore flowers, I’m sure you can give it a much more beautiful name.”
“Hehe… I’m sure the flower will be happy if I give it a pretty name.”
“Yes, of course… You’ve been taking a great care of the cathedral garden, and look how beautiful it is.”
“I thought a lot at home about how I can make flowers more happy.”
“You can do what you're doing right now. The most important thing is to love flowers, and you're already doing that. You always do.”
“Thank you V… I want to know… about all flowers in the world.”
“I might not deserve it...But I want to see all pretty and beautiful things in the world, because I can see nothing but sad and gloomy things at home.”
“Saeran, you deserve to witness the beauty of all flowers in this world.”
“Do you really think so?”
“I do. Everyone in this world has a right to experience and pursue the beauty of nature. So I hope you keep in mind that you can be free in whatever situation.”
“Is it okay to do that? I don’t think I should…”
Ray knew that even if the girl he had grown to love had turned out to be a weed, He would be able to love her all the same. Give her a new name in his heart. She was a weed disguised as a flower, there was no need to de-root her from his heart.
Although he ached, he still longed with all of his being to see her, to touch her, caress her and hold her close.
//
Although it was hard to see from the intelligence room Ray had been cooped up all night. For hours, hacking and coughing roses into his hands, the sun had risen. And there you were, sending messages into the chatroom.
Once again, Ray croaked and wheezed into his arm, trying with all his might to remove the flowers wedged in his throat. He knew why. Deep down he knew that he would never get better, unless you loved him back. But like the blue roses tell, your love was impossible.
But even if so, that wouldn’t at least stop him from seeing you. Ray had an idea…
After he finished working, Ray made his way swiftly to your room, knocking politely before you opened it for him. He took you all in. Your bright blue dress that brought out your gorgeous eyes. Your pink lips, etched into a smile that could light up a whole room. He was speechless.
“Ray?” you asked, wide-eyed at his sudden appearance at your door.
“I’m sorry!” Ray quickly spoke, apologizing for being so impulsive and not telling you he was coming. What an airhead, you probably surprised her with your sudden nagging.
But your kind voice brought him back.
“It’s alright, Ray. What’s up?”
“Would you come with me for a moment… It won’t take long I promise.”
You nodded your head, holding your hand out for him to take it. This gesture made his face heat up, and his heart beat faster. His head pounds harder. He wouldn’t show it to you, but you did things to him.
“I’m sorry, but i’ll have to cover your eyes, cause you haven't been accepted as an official believer yet, is that okay?” He had almost forgotten. But no one would say anything if you were with him. He was savior’s most trusted believer.
Once again, you nodded with vigor, taking his hands and putting them over your eyes. The two of you walked, with Ray leading the way, out the door and to a place where you had never been. You felt the cool mountain breeze through your hair as you stepped out the door.
You felt the grass tickle your feet, as you walked down a small path. It was here that Ray removed his hands from your face. He had taken you into a large garden, a gazebo surrounded by bushes and beds of flowers that you weren’t even sure you could name.
Ray turned you to him and smiled. “How do you like it?”
Your mouth fell agape as you looked around, taking in the fresh air and thinking about all the hard work that must have been put into the garden. You smiled up at him, resting your arms on each one of his shoulders. “I love it!”
Ray smiled brightly, his face reddening at the tense moment. He walked away towards a bush and plucked an azalea from off of the ground, and the most thornless blue rose he could find. He walks back up to you, grinning to his eyes.
He hands you the azalea lovingly, “Do you know what this flower means?”
You shake your head.
“It means softness and purity…It reminds me a lot of you.” Ray took pride in seeing you smile at his gesture, he caressed your cheek and pulled your hair back, placing the flower in the indent of your ear.
He hands you the blue rose speechlessly, careful not to let you touch the thorns. Your head cocks like a confused puppy. “What does this one mean?”
He hoped you wouldn’t ask.
“It means ‘impossible love.’” Ray lets out defeatedly “Something that describes me perfectly.”
You step closer to him and grab his hand. “That’s not true, you deserve all the love the world has to offer.”
“ Saeran, you deserve to witness the beauty of all flowers in this world.”
Ray felt his chest grow tight at your words, a second of clarity into what the world had been trying to tell him. His eyes watered as he looked down at you, putting your hand that he had been holding on his face.
“I love you, MC.” Ray declared, surge of confidence as he felt his face grow hot.
“I love you too, Ray.”
You leaned up to kiss him, grabbing his face tenderly against yours, taking his lips in as if they were oxygen, as if you needed them to live.
It was at this moment, Ray felt all of his thorns dissipate into the bottomless hole of his stomach. He wanted so much more than to just kiss you. He wanted to lay in the grass, under the stars, holding you close as he felt you in his hands. He wanted to watch you unravel under him, take you in all at once.
Ray always did love flowers… But now he thinks he loves you even more.