Chapter Text
His life looked like a common magazine cover, where he lay back with no shirt and killer abs as his two bitches sandwiched him from either side, looking strangely content for two fighters that produced enough venom to kill a continent with mere glares.
What his life was really like was paranoia on a daily basis, because he knows Eren goes through his phone when he's taking a shower, he knows Levi's been looking through his text history again. He knows because as soon as he steps out of the goddamn shower, he has five seconds to dodge a plate or a vase or the phone he bought yesterday (because of a similar occurrence), or something of the sorts.
They've agreed to keep the other side of his life non existent. When he was with Levi, there was no Eren, and vice versa.
So he'd trail after them with innocent,"Baby, what's wrong?", dodge another fatal object, and find a way to calm them down so he doesn't get murdered in is sleep.
They didn't help. At all. Eren intentionally sends him god awful texts. Levi intentionally takes photos that he knows will trigger a certain somebody. The indirect exchanges continue in a burning war underneath ashes, while he has to maturely try to deal with it.
Being the one who essentially has laid out the highest standards of sex god modelling, and just a general blue eyed, fair skinned 6'2 American beauty, he had to pin perfection to his public image. And so far, Erwin Smith has a relatively positive ring to it.
Except, no one seems to want to realize his greatest virtue. Just how much patience he possesses.
Because marrying two needs patience. And mental stability. And deft 'clearing the crime scene' skills. Especially when one is an ill tempered twenty two year old with a mad, inexhaustable libido, the other a thirty year old with a crude sense of humor that involved toiletries 95 percent of the time, petite sexy man with undetermined OCD amongst other disorders.
And then there was Erwin. The lucky guy with two utter babes. Who somehow regrets every life decision he's previously made and doesn't at the exact same time. Who should get a Nobel peace prize for suppressing both parties from each other's throats for this long.
Who should've seen that day coming.
Sometimes he forgets where he slept last night, with Eren or Levi, fucks up and murmurs the wrong name, and gets kneed where it was bound to hurt and reduce the production of offspring. No, scratch that; nullify the production of offspring. Luck does it and he mumbles a tentative, "Levi," Sighs in relief when he gets a grunt in return. Eren was a lot more pleasant in the morning, to be honest.
"I can't breathe." He snaps, and Erwin hums in question."That's your cue to let me go."
"Oh." He laughs sleepily, rubs his scratchy cheek against his bare neck to purposefully irritate him and wake him up.
He hisses something under his breath, topples out of bed."Shave. Now."
"Breakfast first?"
"You won't eat a thing if ya don't."
"Aye, aye cap'n." He rolls on his back, listens to the tap running, vigorous teeth brushing. Deeming it safe enough, he blindy pats around his dresser for his phone. He finds a million some texts practically overflowing, and he sends a simple, 'morning, babe' before getting out of bed himself.
Luckily, he had no work today, thanks to sudden and severe technical difficulties in the studio, so it was wordlessly announced watching Levi clean, criticizing each other on the couch while cuddling day. He needed lazy days to balance out wild nights. Not that he was complaining.
After watching Levi mop the kitchen floors about five times, and got caught texting, he dragged Levi back to the couch for cuddle time. Because he was a sucker for cuddling, and his phone was on top of the fridge, which meant 'if you talk to that motherfucker in my presence I will tie you both to a chair and set fire to you instantaneously'. So he didn't. Because he did fear for his life.
It was almost laughable just how much his two houses opposed each other, and it might seem that he'd enjoy being around the younger more often, but he felt like he was doing a considerably fair job of evening out. Evening out to his heart's content, because he loved them both for different reasons and either of their flaws could easily be overlooked. Levi didn't like to pour his heart out like Eren, his demeanor might also be a bit unpleasant, but Erwin always found himself bickering with the younger about the dumbest things because Eren naturally threw a tantrums and had a temper from the seventh hell.
That day, he faced his most severe wrath.
After his texts went unanwswered, he called. And Levi pointedly got up, punched the 'end call' button, and tossed his phone back on top of the fridge.
Eren called about fifteen times.
Levi wasn't one to relent.
The sixteenth, Erwin had had it."Levi, please. He wouldn't call so much if something wasn't up."
"No."
He had to physically restrain him from getting up again, and had thirty seconds to talk on the phone."He-"
"Where the fuck were you?!"
"I--I'm--" Levi eyed him suspiciously, Eren didn't let him get a word out.
"I wasn't dialing your goddamn number for the past hour to piss him, you tell him that. He can go fuck himself."
"Ere--"
"No, turn on the fucking speaker and let him hear!"
Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose and paced the kitchen. "So wh--"
"You know what's been going on while you spent your fine time ignoring my fucking calls while I sat out her and told them 'my fucking husband is coming, just wait'. Huh? Do you?"
"I--"
"Of course you don't. You better get your ass over here right this fucking instant."
"What is it, why are you--"
"I'm upset because my fucking building has burned down to ashes and I've been out in the cold in my boxers waiting for his highness to give you permission to answer me for the past fucking hour. But you didn't, so why the fuck would I be upset?"
Eren hung up before he can answer.
"What's wrong with the princess?"
"His apartment's been on fire, apparently." Erwin was glad Levi didn't protest when he headed out.
Sure enough, the place was a wreck, and he could barely drive past the crowd of firetrucks and police cars. He found Eren standing aside with a blanket around his shoulders, in his Pikachu boxers and an oversized teal shirt that was definitely Erwin's. The look on his face, though. Erwin made a small prayer before making a beeline towards him.
Eren was idly tapping his phone against his thigh as he continued burning holes in the grass, practically unfazed in the smoke and ruckus.
Then he saw him.
"What're you doing here, huh?"
Erwin cringed.
"I'm serious." He stomps over to him."Everything's done and well. The fire's out, my ass is a block of ice, and my apartment's a pile of bird shit. What are you doing here?"
"Eren, baby, I know you're angry--"
"Angry?" He crosses his arms over his chest."Why the fuck would I be angry?"
"I forgot my phone in my car, I'm sorry." He didn't have enough time to come up with a good lie, give him a break.
"Yeah, so you go to your car at nine in the morning to send me greetings and leave it there, huh?"
He sighs in defeat, wipes a thing of grime from his cheek."You're not hurt, are you?"
Eren spreads his arms out in a 'see for yourself' manner. After a round of wrestling, he manages to wrap his arms around him and his rage slowly subdues."Come on."
"Where?" Eren says, tone suspicious as he moves back.
"My car, calm down." Erwin rolls his eyes, and Eren follows."You're wearing flip flops."
"Courtesy of you, fucker." Erwin laughs a bit, and Eren sinks into the warmth of the car, huffs tiredly.
Erwins sits behind the wheel, drums his fingers against it in thought.
"So?" Eren mumbled.
"So. How do we work this out?"
"Work what out?"
"I'm debating the success rate of taking you back home."
"What?" he jumps into a sitting position."Like hell you're going to take me there."
"That's the only--"
"What do you mean? I'd rather camp by home till they build it again then endure--"
"I can't put you in a hotel or something. Just a for a few days--I'll try to find a closer apartment this time. Furnishing might take a while."
"Please no." He's practically begging as they pull out of their parked spot.
"Just a few days."
"At least let me get something to wear, I'm not giving him the satisfaction of the first laugh."
"I'll stop by a mall or something." Perhaps what he had to reconsider weren't all his previous life choices, but that decision right there. He decided they'd live together. He signed his own death wish.
Realizing that Levi wouldn't appreciate a surprise, he rung the said raven up as Eren fitted something on.
"How is it?" Eren asks as he fixes the cuff of a black button up, and Erwin nods.
"Not bad."
"Erwiiin."
"I'm serious. Why would you care anyway? You're gorgeous in whatever you put on."
"I have to look professional, not gorgeous." He pouts a bit as he continued shirt surfing, fitting in a dark pair of jeans that Erwin's eyes keep trailing back after.
Levi finally picks up."Hey."
"Hey yourself. We're coming in a few minutes."
"We're coming?" Levi parrots incredulously.
"Yes, Levi, I'm not leaving him out on the streets."
"You didn't."
"Please. You're the mature one. Save me the headache."
"Fuck you."
"I love you too."
"Fucking fuck you." Eren was giving him a subtle look.
"Okay. Okay. Be there in a few." He ended the call and made his way over to the brunet."Still haven't decided yet?"
"Should I just go with the black one?"
"Black is professional. " Erwin hums.
"Fine."
-
Erwin is always reconsidering. So he reconsiders on the drive back. As Eren smooths out his shirt and puts on a preparation for battle expression. As he stands in front of the front door with a minute to change his mind and save himself.
The door unlocks with a click, swings open. He watches them size each other up, Levi leaning against the door frame and letting his eyes drift in disinterest over his unworthy rival.
Eren's lips thin as he evaluated the short man in front of him, eyes narrowing as they flitted towards Erwin questioningly.
They both wordlessly conveyed a baffled 'him?' to Erwin with mere looks. Levi finally looks the younger dead in the eye again."Why hello there."
"Hello indeed."