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“No,” Soobin says, with feeling. “Absolutely not.”
“BTS did it,” their manager says, soothingly. If he thinks it’s supposed to soothe Soobin’s feelings of complete and utter bewilderment, he is sorely wrong. “The fans love it! The media love it! It’s great publicity!”
“No!” Soobin says again, though it’s starting to dawn on him that their manager doesn’t really seem to understand the definition of no.
Kai, on the other hand, pitches in helpfully. “But Taehyung and Jimin are actually together,” he says. “We’re, well —“ he glances at Soobin, then looks quickly away, “— we’re not?”
Soobin isn’t sure why Kai phrases it like a question, because they are most definitely not. Together. At all.
Even if they do spend a lot of time together. But that’s normal. They’re best friends. They literally live under the same roof. They’re together, yeah, but only in the physical, literal sense of the word. Obviously.
“Yes, well,” their manager says, typing something quickly on his laptop, “that’s why it’s called a publicity stunt. Just fake it until the news gets old, then you can quietly announce your break-up while remaining professionally good friends. Ooh. The press will have a field day.”
“Um,” Kai says.
“No,” Soobin says again, weakly.
“My parents will kill me,” Kai attempts.
“We’ve already spoken to your parents,” their manager says, off-hand. He’s still typing. Soobin squints. “Both your parents. They know. They’ve given us the go-ahead.”
“What?” Soobin says, because — what? This is, clearly, the highest form of betrayal.
“You don’t actually have to do much,” their manager continues, waving his hand vaguely. “Just keep doing what you’re doing; half the fans are already convinced you’re an item, so. Maybe go out on a few dates. Hold hands. Kiss each other on the cheek, the whole shebang.”
“No,” Soobin repeats, this time a little more vehemently, “I don’t want a shebang.”
Across the table, Kai sends him a wordlessly panicked look that says hyung, what the fuck is happening? Soobin returns the look, equally panicked.
“Here,” their manager says, turning the laptop around. “Look, we’ve even got the statement all prepared to go out tomorrow.” The headline TXT’S SOOBIN AND HUENING KAI CONFIRM RELATIONSHIP, HAVE BEEN DATING THREE MONTHS screams at him from the laptop screen. Soobin blinks. Kai blinks.
“Oh no,” Soobin whispers.
—
“Yes!” Yeonjun crows, pumping his fist in the air. “I knew it!”
The world goes crazy when the news break. Including, obviously, Yeonjun.
“You know it’s not real, hyung,” Soobin says tiredly from where he’s lying flat on his back on the floor, gazing at the ceiling in the desperate hope that it’ll somehow enlighten him with an explanation for how he and Kai had managed to land themselves in this ridiculous situation.
“Yeah, but look.” Yeonjun turns his phone so Soobin can see a two-month-old picture of him hugging Kai from the back plastered across the screen. SOOBIN AND HUENING KAI FROM TXT CONFIRM DATING RUMOURS glares at him. Soobin glares back. “You gotta admit this pic looks pretty convincing.”
“Yes, but, I,” Soobin splutters. “We do that all the time! It’s nothing special! Nor romantic!”
“If you say so,” Yeonjun says, waggling his brows.
Beomgyu bursts through the front door. “What the flipping flying fuck!” he curses, waving his phone around emphatically. “You didn’t tell me you guys finally got together! I had to learn about it on the news!”
“Fake news,” Soobin says dully, and gives the back of his head a hard knock against the floor for good measure.
—
Soobin blames it on the WeVerse post. Yeah. That god forsaken post should never have seen the light of day.
“You know,” Kai says, from where he’s curled up next to Soobin. “It probably wasn’t the best idea to announce to the world that I asked you to sleep with me on the cold, hard floor when we have perfectly respectable beds just metres away.”
“You know what,” Soobin says lowly, digging a finger into Kai’s tummy, “you’re not helping at all, you brat.”
Kai squeals, laughing, and pulls away.
“We’re boyfriends now,” Kai says, making a ridiculous pouty face. “Don’t be mean.”
“We,” Soobin raises himself on an elbow, “are,” he leans down to get all up in Kai’s face, “not,” he points a finger at Kai’s nose, “boyfriends.”
Kai moves so fast, Soobin doesn’t have time to jerk away. He lands a quick, fond kiss to the fingertip Soobin had been stabbing in Kai’s face. “Okay,” Kai says, agreeably.
Inexplicably, Soobin feels himself flush and his fingertip go hot from Kai’s kiss.
“Okay,” Soobin echoes, and lies back down on said cold, hard floor, Kai squirming closer until he’s all pressed up against him.
Kai makes a happy, contented sigh, and Soobin can’t quite bring himself to leave him that night.
—
Their first “date” is nothing short of a disaster.
First of all, Kai manages to spill half his glass of water down Soobin’s pants. They’re seated in a fancy restaurant at a table right next to a huge floor-to-ceiling glass window that Soobin just knows had been selected for optimal Dispatch angles, so he’s sure the paparazzi are enjoying a good eyeful of Kai frantically wiping Soobin’s crotch down with his napkin.
He’s also pretty sure fake dating shouldn’t involve getting so intimate with each other’s nether regions quite so soon, but. Whatever makes the fans go wild, he thinks resignedly, and tries manfully not to react to Kai’s rather inappropriate touches.
They’re only halfway through their meal when Soobin notices a little bit of gravy on the edge of Kai’s lips, so he automatically goes to wipe it off with his thumb when he suddenly realises with a start that he’s touching Kai’s lips. It shouldn’t be a big deal. It happens all the time. Why is it a big deal? Soobin’s brain goes blank. He falters. Kai, the traitor that he is, gives his thumb a mischievous lick and grins unrepentantly.
Soobin’s definitely getting an earful from Yeonjun later.
They’ve been instructed to either 1) hold hands or 2) peck each other on the cheek before the night ends, and Soobin might or might not be freaking out about that among the very many other things that he is also concurrently freaking out about.
“Relax,” Kai whispers, nudging Soobin with his foot. “You look like someone just kicked Sean.”
“I,” Soobin says, teeth gritted in what he hopes is a convincing smile, “have water in my underwear.”
“I can help you dry it in the toilet,” Kai says, innocently.
“You will do no such thing,” Soobin says, and takes a huge bite of his ramen.
“It’s not like we haven’t seen each other naked,” Kai says, to which Soobin chokes on his noodles, and Kai ends up spending the next minute or so whacking him on the back while he wheezes and attempts to extract the offending noodle from his throat.
Soobin shudders to think what the photos of their first “date” will end up looking like.
Dinner draws to a close without the two of them having so much as touched fingers, no less lips to skin, so Soobin’s in the middle of a heated internal debate about the merits of either option when Kai surprises him by leaning across the table, murmuring: “Hey, stay still,” and kissing him on the cheek, a soft, quick, fleeting butterfly touch of lips.
“Oh,” Soobin says, speechless.
“Are you paying?” Kai asks, shy.
“Y-yeah,” Soobin stutters. He pays, then thinks to hell with it, and takes Kai’s hand as they exit the restaurant, weaving their fingers together.
It isn’t like they haven’t held hands before, after all.
—
Their photos are everywhere. On social media. On the news. On all the fan sites. It is awful. Mostly because they don’t look at all like Soobin had expected them to look.
Mostly because… they look like they’re actually, legitimately, really grossly in love.
Even the photos of Kai thumping Soobin on the back as he nearly passes out from Asphyxiation by Ramen somehow end up looking appallingly affectionate.
“We do make a pretty cute couple,” Kai comments, peering over Soobin’s shoulder.
“What do you mean,” Soobin says weakly, ignoring the way Kai tucks his chin over his shoulder.
“Look!” Kai says, placing a warm, warm hand over Soobin’s so he can take control of the mouse. He scrolls up to a photo of Soobin reaching over the table to swipe at Kai’s lips. “Look at us. We’re incredible actors. We should celebrate.”
Soobin regards the photo critically. There’s a faint, indulgent smile playing on Soobin’s lips in the photo, and Kai’s leaning a little into his hand, looking happy.
The scariest thing is, he wasn’t acting.
But Kai probably doesn’t need to know that.
Soobin refuses to dwell on that thought any longer.
“Aw,” Kai says, scrolling down to a photo of him and Soobin leaving the restaurant holding hands, and he’s so close Soobin can feel his breath against his right ear. Soobin realises belatedly that Kai’s hand is still covering his on the mouse, and that Kai’s basically plastered himself all over his back, and that there’s really no need for any of this physical affection because there aren’t any cameras around, yet.
Yet he and Kai have always been like this. Close.
Perhaps their manager had a point when he said half their fans were already convinced.
Why has Soobin never noticed?
“I guess we do,” Soobin acknowledges begrudgingly, shifting uncomfortably. “We do look pretty good.”
—
Jimin texts in the group chat first, the one BTS created with them that they’ve never dared to text in because how could they ever think themselves worthy of striking up a conversation with BTS?
Park Jimin (BTS)
3:48PM
congrats @Choi Soobin @Huening Kai!!!!!!
u guys r adorbs 🥺
welcome to the out & proud club???
Soobin almost feels bad. Almost.
hueningie <3
3:49PM
thank u 🥰🥰🥰
Kim Taehyung (BTS)
3:49PM
How about a double date???
Next week?
Jiminie and I were thinking of a movie. And that new gay bar in Hongdae?
They serve mocktails for you kiddos
“I’ve never been to a gay bar before,” Kai remarks. “We should go!”
“You’re not actually gay,” Soobin reminds him.
“Exactly,” Kai says, in a tone of voice that strongly implies he thinks Soobin’s IQ is less than average. “When else will we get the opportunity? Tell them yes, hyung, quick!”
Soobin has a bad feeling about this, but he obediently types: Sure! When??
—
Their manager sends them off with a clap on the back and a proud: “What a brilliant idea!”
Soobin’s probably the world’s biggest party pooper because he is obviously the only one who has immense reservations about this idea.
“Just have fun,” Kai whispers, as they make their way towards Jimin and Taehyung in the cinema, both of whom are standing by the popcorn counter with their masks and sunglasses on, looking every bit like world-famous celebrities trying their best to avoid being recognised. Already, there’s a group of girls gathered a few metres away, gawking. Taehyung and Jimin both don’t notice them; they look deep in conversation about something vitally important.
“I am having fun,” Soobin says, obstinately, and if he grabs Kai’s hand a little too aggressively, well, that’s only because he has a point to prove, not because he actually wants to.
“... most people prefer sweet popcorn,” Jimin is saying vehemently, when Soobin and Kai finally approach them.
“Great, you’re here!” Taehyung says, noticing them. “Important question — sweet or salty popcorn?”
“Sweet,” Soobin and Kai both answer at the same time.
Taehyung blinks.
“Adorable,” Jimin breathes. “I wanna squish them.”
“Soobinie-hyung’s face is very squishy,” Kai says agreeably, reaching up to poke Soobin’s cheek.
Soobin darts an exasperated look at Kai and tries to ignore the way Taehyung and Jimin look at them both with starry eyes that clearly go ‘aw’.
—
Train to Busan 2: Peninsula is horrifying and Soobin is equally horrified at the way he’d spent, like, 80% of the movie tucked into Kai’s side with his face buried in his shoulder.
He isn’t actually scared. He just scares easily. There’s a difference.
He attempts to explain this when Taehyung and Jimin tease him about it in the gay bar in Hongdae, but to no avail.
“You just wanted an excuse to hold me, didn’t you, hyung?” Kai teases, cutely.
Kai is absurdly good at this whole pretend boyfriends thing.
“I, you, Kai,” Soobin splutters.
“Yes?” Kai bats his eyelashes.
Soobin gives up. “Yeah, whatever,” he sighs, and doesn’t resist when Kai wraps an arm around him.
Their drinks arrive — fancy cocktails for Jimin and Taehyung, a fruity mocktail for Soobin and a grape mocktail for Kai. The bar itself is hip but cozy, dark but not poorly lit. Apart from the glaring fact that the couples in the bar are all of the same sex, it doesn’t seem all that different from the normal bars Soobin and Yeonjun like to sneak into.
“So, how did you guys get together?” Jimin asks, leaning forward enthusiastically. “Who asked who out first?”
“Uh,” Soobin says, frantically trying to remember the epic love story he and Kai were forced to memorise.
“Hyung asked me,” Kai says smoothly, then giggles. He giggles. Soobin stares at him. “About three months ago? We were trying on our stage outfits for Puma and he accidentally let slip that he would totally date me if he could because I looked... what was it, hyung?” Kai turns to look at Soobin, mischief dancing in his eyes. “Hot? Sexy?”
“Uh,” Soobin repeats. He swallows. “You looked hot.”
He remembers now. The actual story’s supposed to go: Soobin realised his feelings for Kai last year, but only worked up the courage to confess to Kai in May this year. The “confession” was supposed to have happened along the Han River, with a special plushie Soobin had bought Kai and a bunch of flowers.
Just to be extra convincing, they’d actually gone to their usual pre-debut hang-out spot by the Han River to take selfies with a newly-bought penguin plushie and flowers after that.
But he also vaguely remembers telling Kai that he looked hot the day they tried on their Puma outfits, so that bit isn’t entirely a lie.
It’s not his fault. Kai had looked hot. Objectively.
“Uhhuh,” Taehyung says, eagerly leaning across the table, eyes big. “And?”
“And,” Kai says, obviously enjoying himself, “I said: what makes you think you can’t? and then hyung’s face went really red and he couldn’t speak for awhile.”
Soobin clears his throat. Kai’s jabs are slightly damaging to his reputation and he will have none of it.
“Yeah, but I asked him out the next day,” Soobin says, trying to sound assertive. “I brought him to the Han River and gave him flowers and then it was his turn to go red and speechless, right, Hueningie?”
Soobin looks at Kai and grins, slow and wide. Kai just stares at him, a little surprised.
“Speechless because you guys were, like, too busy kissing?” Taehyung asks wickedly.
Kai’s eyes widen comically.
Jimin smacks Taehyung. “Stop traumatising them!”
“No, but really,” Taehyung says, looking dreamy. “Tell me about your first kiss.”
“Probably better than ours,” Jimin says snarkily. “We were both drunk when it happened and Tae ended up kissing my chin.”
“Must you really tell them that,” Taehyung hisses.
“Sorry,” Jimin says, unrepentant. “You were a really good kisser, even if you started out with my chin.” He turns to give Taehyung a soft look, and Soobin feels strangely like he’s intruding.
“Were?” Taehyung says indignantly.
“Are,” Jimin corrects himself, and then they both lean in for a kiss and Soobin instantly feels like throwing himself off a cliff.
Kai must feel the same way because he’s clutching Soobin’s thigh tightly and making a hilariously panicked face, the one that makes his eyes look like saucers. Suddenly, Soobin’s really glad he isn’t alone, at least, in cringing away from public displays of affection, no matter how sweet.
—
“Do you think we should make up a story for our first kiss too?” Kai asks, afterwards, when they’re washed up and curled around each other on the living room floor again.
“Probably,” Soobin mutters, darkly. “Just don’t make me take selfies of us actually kissing too.”
“But why not?” Kai asks, pretending to sound injured, and Soobin pinches him.
“Have you even had your first kiss?” Soobin asks, peering at Kai through the darkness. The only light in the room comes from a sliver of moonlight shining through a gap in the curtains. It falls, a faint silver glow, across Kai’s face.
Kai is quiet for a moment.
“No, not actually,” he admits.
“Great,” Soobin sighs. “Now everyone’s gonna think I stole your innocence.”
Kai mumbles something.
“What?” Soobin says.
“Nothing,” Kai says immediately.
“No, don’t nothing me, you said something, I heard you.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Come on,” Soobin wheedles, ruffling Kai’s hair.
Kai presses his lips together in a straight, tight line, then mumbles: “Maybe you stealing my innocence isn’t so bad.”
Soobin is, once again, rendered speechless. What is that even supposed to mean?
“Anyway!” Kai says quickly, a little high pitched. “We can say our first kiss happened by the Han River after I accepted your boyfriend offer.”
“Oh,” Soobin says. “Yeah.”
For the strangest reason, he still hasn’t looked away from when he’d noticed Kai’s lips pressing tight together. They aren’t pressed together any longer; Kai’s mouth is relaxed now, lips parted just a little, like he’s about to say something but hasn’t quite decided what he wants to say.
Kai bites his bottom lip, and Soobin watches the way his lip disappears behind his teeth, then returns a little plumper, a little redder.
Soobin clears his throat.
“And you’ll say I’m an awesome kisser, right Hueningie?” he says, trying to sound teasing. “The best ever? None of that missing your lips and going for your chin nonsense?”
“That’s kind of funny, actually,” Kai points out.
“I have never once missed anyone’s mouth,” Soobin informs Kai.
“Okay, hyung, you don’t have to rub your experience in my face,” Kai says.
“Say it,” Soobin says stubbornly. “Say I’m an awesome kisser.”
Kai rolls his eyes. “Fine,” he says. “You’re an awesome kisser. Happy?”
“Yeah,” Soobin says, smug. “Very.”
—
The fans absolutely love Taehyung and Jimin’s kiss in the bar, and suddenly everyone’s clamouring for a shot of Soobin kissing Kai as well. It’s actually insane, the barrage of messages flooding in while they attempt to record their first V LIVE as a couple.
“I told you the double date was a terrible idea,” Soobin hisses into Kai’s ear, after they’ve spent a fruitless minute looking at the chat in an attempt to find a question they can actually answer without involving the need for lip-to-lip contact.
The messages flowing in all follow variants of the same message: “KISS!!!” “give us a couple kiss!” “peck on the lips please!!!”
Some of the more extreme messages involve the use of tongue, which Soobin quickly skims over because he definitely doesn’t need to be thinking about that happening with Kai.
Soobin gets a text message from their manager, which reads, horribly: “Small kiss. On the lips. It’s fine, don’t worry!”
There is nothing fine about this.
Soobin shows the message to Kai, to which Kai leans in to whisper: “Taehyunie thinks we don’t have the balls to kiss.”
Why on earth is Taehyun commenting about their hypothetical balls?
“I told him I’m game,” Kai continues, breath blowing hot against Soobin’s ear. “So it depends on whether you’ve got the guts for it, hyung.”
Kai leans back, looks at Soobin like he’s challenging him.
What the fuck.
There’s no way Soobin’s going to allow this level of disrespect, especially from both maknaes of the group, no less.
Soobin turns back around to the camera, says: “A lot of you want us to kiss.” He valiantly tries to keep the tremor from his voice. “Just a small one, ‘kay?”
Then he turns back around to Kai, searches his face carefully. Kai’s features are arranged into a blank expression. There’s nothing in his face that says I want to kiss you, but there’s also nothing in his face that says I don’t want to lose my first kiss to you, either, so Soobin figures that’s enough of a green light to go ahead.
He leans in, slowly, easy does it, and it feels like the world holds its breath for a moment. Kai is dizzyingly close.
It’s nothing. It’s just a small kiss between friends. It doesn’t matter.
But it does. It does matter. It matters to Kai. It’s Kai’s first kiss.
Soobin hesitates.
“You sure?” Soobin murmurs, when their lips are close enough to touch.
“Yeah, c’mon, hyung,” Kai whispers impatiently, and inches forward the rest of the way.
The world lets out a breath, and Soobin lets go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding, and then they’re kissing, lips pressed soft but firm, hard but tender against each other. Kai’s mouth leaves an alluring stamp against Soobin’s lips, and suddenly it feels like a dam in his chest, wedged deep beneath his rib cage, has exploded open, feelings he can’t identify pouring out in tsunami waves, crashing into him.
Soobin pulls back with a gasp. Tries hard to collect himself, to pull himself back together. Fuck. Fuck.
He turns back around to the camera, tries to paste a nonchalant expression on his face — no biggie, he does this everyday. He looks at the screen just in time to see Kai’s face of shock reflecting back at him, staring dazedly at Soobin, before the livestream crashes and the screen goes black.
“Well,” Soobin says, for lack of anything better to say. “I think we broke the internet.”
—
Soobin avoids the topic of the kiss like the plague, so, naturally, the world hurls reminders at him everyday. He can’t make it through a single social media scroll without seeing a screenshot or a GIF of the kiss pop up in his timeline. Perhaps he should go on a social media hiatus.
“So,” Yeonjun says, smirking irritatingly at him from across the couch, “how does it feel to kiss your best friend and like it?”
“I didn’t like it,” Soobin says automatically.
Yeonjun, out of habit, shoves his phone into Soobin’s face. It’s open on a GIF that plays and replays Soobin leaning in slowly, and Kai going for it, and their mouths meeting in the middle in a slow, unfurling kiss.
Nope. The Soobin in the GIF certainly doesn’t look like he didn’t like it.
It’s ridiculous how much Soobin wants to look away but can’t.
“I took his first kiss,” Soobin groans, tipping his head forward so his face is smushed against a couch cushion. “I’m a monster.”
“You know, most guys would be freaking out about kissing a dude, not that they’d taken said dude’s first kiss,” Yeonjun remarks.
“A monster,” Soobin repeats.
“Technically, he kissed you,” Yeonjun says.
Soobin pauses.
“You could say he took your first kiss,” Yeonjun continues. “Your first big, gay kiss.”
“I can’t hear you,” Soobin yelps, and plants the cushion over his head.
—
“He’s an awesome kisser,” Kai gushes to the camera, and something in Soobin‘s chest shrivels up into a ball and withers away.
They’re being interviewed by BuzzFeed about coming out as a couple in support of LGBTQ rights in South Korea. Apparently they’re making waves, internationally, for their courage.
Soobin feels like a huge fraud.
“So is he,” Soobin hears himself say hollowly. He places a scripted hand on Kai’s thigh. Kai moves a scripted hand over his.
The next question makes him stiffen, even though he’d already prepped for it.
How did you know he was the one?
Kai darts a quick look at him, and when Soobin doesn’t make a move to respond, he says, reciting his lines from heart: “I think I kind of always knew. We only had each other, back when we were trainees. Hyung — he’s been with me through everything. He’s seen me at my highest. At my lowest. He’s my best friend. When I realised I had feelings for him, it didn’t feel like a huge revelation or anything. It just felt right — it is right. Soobinie-hyung... he’s right for me.”
Kai finishes his script smoothly, stumbling only a little. Soobin’s about to open his mouth to say his part of the script when Kai suddenly adds: “Soobinie brings out the best in me. Makes me want to be a better person. I kind of, like, really love him for that.”
This — this isn’t part of the script. Soobin flicks a look at Kai, surprised for a second, then pulls himself back together to finish his lines.
When the interview finally ends, Soobin kind of just wants to dunk his head into a pit of sand and not surface until perhaps a decade from now when they’ve become old and irrelevant.
“Are you okay?” Kai asks, pulling him aside as the crew packs up and prepares to leave the studio.
“Yeah,” Soobin says, looking everywhere but at Kai’s stupidly beautiful face and stupidly kissable lips. “I’m great.”
“You don’t look so great,” Kai says, concerned.
“I’m fine,” Soobin sighs.
Kai gives him a measured look, then asks, carefully: “Are we okay?”
“Fantastic,” Soobin says. “We’re awesome.”
Kai clearly doesn’t believe him.
Soobin doesn’t believe himself, either.
—
Kai’s little makeshift bed set-up disappears from the living room that night.
It’s probably a coincidence, Soobin thinks. It probably doesn’t have anything to do with them kissing, or Soobin being weird about it, or Kai being weird about Soobin being weird about it.
Probably.
Taehyun attempts to talk about it over supper the next day, but it only serves to make Soobin feel perhaps ten times more confused.
“Maybe you should talk to him,” Taehyun keeps saying.
“Talk about what?” Soobin keeps asking. There’s nothing to talk about, because there’s nothing going on between him and Kai.
“The kiss?” Taehyun says.
There’s really no escaping the kiss.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Soobin says resolutely. “We kissed. We’re pretending to be boyfriends. That’s it.”
“But you liked it,” Taehyun says.
Why does everyone think he liked the kiss?
“Of course I had to look like I liked it,” Soobin bursts. “It’s all part of the pretence, isn’t it? God. I didn’t fucking like it, okay? Why the fuck would I like kissing my best friend?”
Taehyun’s gaze darts to look at something behind Soobin’s right shoulder, and when he turns around, he sees a flash of dark hair disappear back down the corridor.
Fuck.
“Kai?” Soobin guesses, and sighs heavily when Taehyun nods, wide-eyed.
—
Kai only lets him in after Soobin spends approximately three minutes outside grovelling on his knees.
The pitying glances Taehyun keeps throwing his way from the living room really aren’t helping him much either.
“You have thirty seconds,” Kai says, upon opening the door.
“Hang on,” Soobin says, brain blanking.
“25,” Kai says.
“Wait, wait,” Soobin says, scrambling to his feet. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
“Sorry that you kissed me?” Kai says, testily, a whine in his voice that shouldn’t be cute but is. “Well, I’m sorry I’m such a bad kisser that you hated it so much.”
Soobin stares at Kai. “What?”
Kai face closes off, and he looks like he’s about to shut the door again, so Soobin quickly shoves Kai backwards and steps in, lets the door close behind him.
“You’re not a bad kisser,” Soobin says, cautiously. Honestly, their kiss had been so short, it’s impossible to tell. But he's pretty sure Kai would be a pretty great kisser. Not that he's been thinking about Kai and kissing.
Kai doesn’t say anything, just sits on his bed and stares at the floor.
Soobin goes over and sits next to him.
“I’m sorry,” he tries again. “I — I said I didn’t like kissing you because it just — it feels wrong. It feels like a farce, and I hate that. But it’s not you I dislike kissing. It’s just — this whole fake dating thing kinda sucks, you know?”
“Yeah,” Kai sighs. “We’re all weird now. I hate that.”
“Me too,” Soobin says, wrapping an arm around him. “Forgive me?”
Kai takes a moment to consider his response. “So...” he says, slowly. “Theoretically, if we weren’t fake dating, and we kissed, would you enjoy kissing me?”
That... is a lot to unpack.
Soobin’s brain starts having a bit of a meltdown.
“You mean, like, if we were actually dating?” Soobin asks, faint.
“... yeah.”
“Theoretically,” Soobin stutters, “if I were gay, and we really were dating, then yeah, I don’t see why I wouldn’t like kissing you.”
“Theoretically,” Kai repeats.
“Theoretically,” Soobin confirms.
“Cool,” Kai says, sounding pleased. “I forgive you.”
Soobin blinks. That was almost too easy.
“... but only if you sleep with me outside,” Kai finishes, sly.
Soobin groans.
—
After that, kissing Kai gets a whole lot easier. Just quick pecks on the cheek, on the forehead and even once on the neck. It isn’t Soobin’s fault. Kai’s collar had been really, sinfully wide, and all that skin was making Soobin a little dizzy.
They only kiss in public, of course, where the fans can appreciate, in front of the cameras, and, on a few special occasions, onstage in the middle of a performance.
If it sends Soobin’s heart soaring, he steadfastly ignores it.
Apart from the rapid increase in kissing, not much else changes, really. Soobin continues holding Kai’s hand, and Kai continues rubbing Soobin’s tummy, and they continue hugging each other like they’ve always done. Perhaps Soobin lets his touches linger a little longer than is completely necessary, but he tells himself it’s all part of the fan service.
Their fans still occasionally ask them for a kiss on the lips, but Soobin and Kai both stay far, far away from that.
Kai upgrades his sleeping arrangement in the living room by lugging his whole-ass mattress out of his room and dumping it right in the middle of the floor, so now Soobin really doesn’t have an excuse to slip back into his own bed after Kai falls asleep.
He pretends to mind, but really, he’s far from it.
The first real sign of trouble comes when he least expects it. They’re both cuddled up on Kai’s mattress, talking quietly about how they kind of miss their families. Kai had had to give up celebrating his mom’s birthday because of their Japanese comeback, and he’s a little sad about it, which Soobin hates, so he murmurs comforting words and drops soft kisses on Kai’s cheeks until he realises:
There aren’t any cameras around. No fans. No paparazzi. Nothing. Just him and Kai in the moonlight.
Kissing Kai has become a habit.
Kai doesn’t seem to notice, so Soobin pretends not to notice, either, stumbling only for a split second before resuming his slow, tender kisses.
Kai hums, sounding sleepy-happy, so Soobin can’t quite bring himself to pull away, can’t quite bring himself to stop until Kai slips quietly into slumber, leaving him by himself in the dark, just him and the what-ifs in his head.
—
From that point on, things only gets worse. Or better, depending on how you view it.
They start kissing all the time, anywhere, everywhere. Sometimes, it’s Kai crowding Soobin against the sink and giving him a sweet good-morning kiss on the cheek while Soobin brushes his teeth half-asleep. Sometimes, it’s Soobin dropping an affectionate kiss on the top of Kai’s head when he falls asleep on his shoulder in the company van when they’re being driven wherever. Sometimes, it’s Kai grazing soft, sleepy kisses against Soobin’s shoulder on nights they’re really tired, boneless from exhaustion, and Soobin has to depend on Kai to hold him up and vice versa.
Other times, it’s Soobin pressing long, lingering kisses to Kai’s neck while Kai breathes fast and uneven above him, his heart beating violently in his chest, brain drawing a blank. He doesn’t know why he does it, only that he enjoys it, enjoys hearing Kai make tiny, abortive noises that sound like the beginnings of a moan. It’s just. Kai likes to cuddle really close when they sleep, his fair, smooth neck always just there, tantalisingly within kissing distance.
It’s maddeningly difficult to resist.
The first time Soobin had kissed Kai’s neck, Kai only sucked in a quick breath, but said nothing.
He says nothing the second time Soobin does it. Nor does he say anything the third, fourth, and fifth time, and now Soobin’s laying claim to his neck, using a little bit of teeth, and still Kai says nothing, just gasps wordlessly and tilts his head back to give Soobin better access.
Fuck.
He sucks a hickey into Kai’s neck, one, then two, and they bloom beautifully in the dark when Soobin leans back to study his work. Kai’s eyes are blown wide, and the moonlight falls across his jaw, his cheekbone, just so, highlights the curve of his parted lips and the faint blush on his cheeks.
“Hyung,” Kai whispers, trailing off and looking dazed.
So lovely. So beautiful. So... kissable.
Once Soobin thinks it, he can’t stop. Can’t stop thinking about kissing Kai again, about closing the distance between their lips. About kissing him when it’s just the two of them. About kissing him just because he wants to, not because they’re pretending to be lovers or because their fans want them to or because their manager tells them to.
Untheoretically, Soobin thinks, he would probably really enjoy kissing Kai.
Soobin’s just about made up his mind to go for it when Kai continues, a little unsteadily, but still managing to hit Soobin with all the force of a nuclear bomb: “Hyung? I think we should break up.”
—
Big Hit prepares the statement within the week. It is quite possibly the worst fucking week of Soobin’s life.
“I don’t know,” he tells Yeonjun, when Yeonjun asks him what the fuck happened.
“I’m just as lost,” he tells Beomgyu tiredly, when Beomgyu asks him why Kai’s been pacing through the dorm listlessly, looking lost and confused.
“I have no fucking clue,” he tells Taehyun, a little bitterly, when Taehyun asks why they’re breaking up so soon, especially after they’d made such good progress with the pretence. “Why don’t you ask Kai instead? It was his idea.”
It’s been one week of zero kisses, zero hand-holding, zero tummy rubs, zero nothing. The fans are starting to worry. Soobin himself is sick with worry. He keeps replaying everything in his head like a broken recorder, looking for where he could’ve have messed up, where he could’ve said something wrong, perhaps, or done something out of line.
Perhaps it was the neck kisses.
Perhaps the neck kisses were too much for Kai, and the hickeys were the last straw.
It isn’t even the fucking kisses that Soobin misses. It’s Kai he misses. His best friend. His ride or die. His, he hates to say this, probably soulmate.
They’re not even really together, and it’s not even really a break-up, so why does he feel so... sad?
The statement’s ready but it’s only scheduled to go out next week, their manager tells them, looking tired. I don’t know what happened between the both of you but please, for the sake of the group, act friendly in front of the fans. Look happy. It has to be a happy break-up, okay?
Even in their break-up, they have to fake it. The irony.
Later on, Taehyun pulls him aside with an urgent look on his face.
“Listen, hyung,” Taehyun says, a little breathlessly. “You need to talk to him.”
“I’ve tried,” Soobin says, drained. “But he refuses to talk to me.“
“Do you or do you not like Kai?” Taehyun demands.
“I,” Soobin says, stuttering. He can say many things. He can say of course he likes him, duh, they’re best friends. He can say no, what the fuck, he’s straight.
Or he can tell the truth.
“Yeah,” Soobin says, resigned. “Yeah, I really, really like him.”
“Exactly,” Taehyun says, a response Soobin wasn’t really expecting. “He’s convinced you’re just confused, or whatever, and that you’re gonna have another big gay crisis again like you did with the kiss, so he’d rather just end it all before that can happen again.”
“... wow,” Soobin says. “Did he tell you all that?”
“No, I used my telepathic mind-reading super powers,” Taehyun says, dry. “Of course, hyung, keep up! Go talk to him. Tell him you really, really like him. Then maybe you guys can actually start dating for real.”
“Wait, but,” Soobin says. “But he doesn’t like me back.”
Taehyun gives him a hard stare. Coming from Taehyun, whose eyes are humongous, the stare actually scares Soobin. Just a little.
“Look me in the eye and tell me you really, really believe that,” Taehyun says, flat.
Soobin opens and closes his mouth uselessly. “I, I don’t know,” he says, lamely.
“Yeah, so go find out,” Taehyun says, shoving Soobin gently by the shoulder. “He’s at the Han River, I think, listening to sad, emo love songs.”
“What on earth,” Soobin mutters, but lets Taehyun push him into his shoes and out the door. Not one minute later, he remembers something, and darts back in to grab just one last thing.
Then he’s off, for real.
—
soobin
11:03PM
Hey, where are you?
hueningie <3
11:04PM
han river, usual spot
why?
soobin
11:04PM
Stay there, don’t move
soobin
11:17PM
Okay, now turn around
—
“Oh,” is all Kai says when he turns around on the bench he’s sitting on and sees Soobin, holding up the penguin plushie they’d bought at the start of this whole fake dating business and a hastily plucked flower from one of the bushes nearby. The bush had, honestly, way too many flowers. He’s doing it a favour, really.
“Hi,” Soobin says, panting a little. He might or might not have sprinted over. “I’m just gonna say my piece, and then you can decide what you wanna do with it, okay?”
“O-okay,” Kai says.
Okay. Soobin sucks in a huge breath. Thrusts the penguin plushie and flower into Kai’s unsuspecting hands. Says: “Theoretically, I think I’d really like kissing you. But untheoretically? Like, really really? I’m stupidly in love with you, and I really want to date you, like, in real life, so please don’t fake break up with me.”
Kai doesn’t say anything, just gapes at Soobin, hands clenched so tight around the plushie and flower that the penguin’s starting to look rather unidentifiable and the flower’s close to snapping in half.
“Anyway,” Soobin continues, rapidly losing steam. He says the words quickly before he can wuss out. “Will you be my boyfriend, like — for real?" Kai continues gaping at him, which... doesn't look promising. "Or — you know what, maybe I’ve got this all wrong and you really do hate me, in which case, I’m sorry, and I hope we can stay... friends? We’re still friends, right? Best friends?”
Kai drops the penguin plushie and the flower on the ground, which, rude, and then he’s standing up, stalking over with a murderous look on his face, and gripping Soobin by both shoulders — okay, okay, this is not looking good.
“I can’t believe you!” Kai says through gritted teeth, shaking Soobin a little. “What the fuck!”
“Um,” Soobin says, heart plummeting, “I take it that’s a... no?” Goddamnit Taehyun.
“You told me you were straight!” Kai says, ignoring him. “You said you would only date me if you were gay!”
“I, I, wait, what?” Soobin says intelligently.
“And then you kept giving me all those mixed signals and confusing the fuck out of me and now you’re telling me you want to be my boyfriend?” Kai continues, almost yelling, shaking Soobin by the shoulders again. “What the fuck!”
Soobin is very, very confused. Kai is — Kai is very cute when he’s angry. Yeah. And very strong. Soobin keeps forgetting how strong Kai is. He’s half-terrified and half-endeared and half-turned on.
“Hueningie,” Soobin starts, hoping to start a civil, rational conversation, and then Kai’s giving him an indecipherable look bordering on anger and frustration and also immense affection and tipping forward and — and kissing him.
Like, actually, legitimately, kissing him, lips pressed hard against his.
Soobin sucks in a startled breath, and Kai jerks away, suddenly shy.
Soobin’s having none of that. He reaches forward, grabs Kai by the nape of his neck, pulls him in until all he can feel is Kai’s lips against his and Kai’s hips against his and Kai’s hair, soft and tangled under his fingertips and Kai, Kai, Kai.
Kai makes a sweet little noise that goes straight to Soobin’s long pent-up, repressed desires, and that’s how he ends up pressing Kai long and hard along the bench by the Han River, penguin plushie forgotten on the ground, exchanging heady, dizzying kisses with Kai. Kisses that send thrills down his spine all the way to the tips of his toes. Kisses that are most definitely not faked, or forced, or fabricated. Kisses that make him want more and more and more.
Someone wolf-whistles in the distance, startling them apart. Fuck. Any further and he’d probably have ended up rolling around in the bushes with Kai.
“O-okay,” Kai says breathlessly, staring up at Soobin with large eyes and flushed cheeks. “I'm kind of, like, stupidly in love with you too. Let’s be boyfriends. For real, this time.”
“Fucking finally,” Soobin says, happily, and leans in to kiss him again.
—
Big Hit throws their break-up statement in the trash and happily sends Soobin and Kai off to bigger interviews and talkshows, all of which seem heavily invested in the topic of:
“— kissing. Who’s the better kisser?” the talkshow host asks.
“Him,” they both say at the same time, jerking thumbs at each other, and the host gives them both a look that says ‘aw’ and ‘you guys are so gross’ simultaneously.
“Soobinie-hyung taught me how to kiss, actually,” Kai says, batting his eyelashes at Soobin. “So whatever tricks I learned, I learned from him. He’s an awesome kisser.”
“Care to show us an example?” the host asks, sounding a little too interested.
“Sure!” Kai chirps, and is already halfway on Soobin’s lap when the director-producer of the talkshow yells “cut!” and says, panicked: “That’s enough, no need for that, let’s all take a five-minute break, shall we?”
“You’re evil,” Soobin says, grinning down at Kai. “Pure evil.”
“I’m just giving the fans what they want,” Kai says, innocently.
“Are you, now,” Soobin teases, because he knows better. “Or are you just taking what you want?”
“Mm, maybe,” Kai says, planting a quick kiss on Soobin’s cheek. “Will you give it to me?”
“We have five minutes, right?” Soobin says, a little huskily now.
“Thinking what I’m thinking?” Kai asks, mirth dancing in his eyes, and then he pulls Soobin off the set and away from the cameras, laughing.
End.