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He wanted to say “enough”, but he didn’t know how to.
Raph certainly knew the word “enough”, of course. He was fifteen years old, after all, and had the appropriate vocabulary to go with it. Nowhere near Donnie’s, and he’d be the first to admit that, but that wasn’t the point right now. What mattered right now was the fact that this Hamato Clan training regiment was too much, and coming at them far too fast for them to possibly keep up with it, and he could see his brothers getting hurt by it. The problem was that he would have to say “enough” to his father, his sensei, and that… that felt impossible.
He sighed softly, looking around his room- his now barren, discomforting room- where his brothers had ended up trickling in after the particularly rough session they’d had tonight. Leo and Donnie were leaning into each other for comfort, Donnie holding onto one of Leo’s wrists so he could tap his finger against it at a steady rhythm, at one end of his bed while Mikey was almost burrowed into his own left side at the other. Whether or not it had been intended, Mikey had gotten the worst of it tonight: Splinter’s tail whip attack had caught him right in the eye and though he was trying his hardest to not let it show, the youngest turtle was still clearly smarting from it on both a physical and emotional level. He pulled him in a little closer, rubbing Mikey’s upper arm with his thumb in an attempt to be reassuring.
“Are we getting better..?” Leo had finally broken the silence, looking up from his lap and squarely at Raph. “Does anyone feel like they’ve gotten better..?”
“I don’t know,” Raph replied softly, before immediately breaking eye contact with Leo, consumed further with guilt for not having a better answer than that.
“I know I don’t,” Mikey said, voice muffled from having his face hidden.
Donnie huffed and pushed away from Leo to move towards the end of the bed Raph and Mikey were occupying. “All right. C’mon, Michael. Let me see it. -You really ought to have ice or something on it by now.”
Mikey’s shoulders just went up in response as he curled in on himself, though for the time being he stayed silent and didn’t move from where he was. Raph gave him a nudge. “Mikey. He wants to help.”
“Okay.” Mikey finally turned his head to face his brothers. The area around his eye was already darkened and swollen, and he hissed in pain when Donnie pulled up his eyelid to check his eye. “Ow, ow-! Donnie, are you done yet?”
“I want to be thorough. Looks like there might be broken blood vessels, but nothing worse than that. That’s good, by the way,” he added, upon seeing Mikey’s expression turn scared at the phrase ‘broken blood vessels’. “Those should heal on their own without any problems. But like I said, you’ll feel better tomorrow if you put an ice pack on it now. And it’ll help the swelling go down as well, so… you know, bonus not having problems with seeing?”
“I’ll go get it,” Leo said, getting up. “I don’t think Mikey’s letting Raph go anywhere any time soon. Be right back.”
The unbearable silence returned with Leo’s departure, Donnie drumming his fingers in an endless tattoo against his thigh to fill the quiet while Mikey returned back to his spot on Raph’s side. Raph stayed quiet, hating that he didn’t know how to fix this or even what to say to make all of this feel anywhere near the idea of okay.
“I’m sorry,” Mikey mumbled after a moment.
“...why?” Raph leaned back so he could look at his little brother.
“That I’m not getting better. If- maybe if I was improving, Dad wouldn’t be so hard on the rest of you and-”
“Hey.” Raph interrupted him, rougher-sounding than he meant to be at first. He took a moment to calm himself before he continued, looking up as Leo slipped back in with the ice pack. “None of that. We all need to improve still. That’s why Leo said something.”
“But..” Mikey sniffled.
Donnie chimed in, not looking over at Raph or Mikey as he did. “But nothing, Michael. Take your ice pack.”
Leo gave his twin a swat on his shoulder before passing the ice pack to Mikey, and sitting back down. “Mikey… Dad’s pushing all four of us right now. It’s nothing that you’re doing wrong. Okay?”
The youngest turtle put the ice pack to his eye and was quiet for a moment, before replying, “I just wish things weren’t changing so fast…”
“None of us do, Mikey.” Leo reached over to rub his head affectionately.
“I know but…” Mikey looked down at his lap before he continued speaking, as if he didn’t want to see how his brothers would react to what he was about to say. When he did speak again, his voice was considerably quieter, like he didn’t even want to be heard. “We don’t feel like a family any more.”
Raph breathed in sharply at that, wounded by the words because he’d been feeling the same way but hadn’t wanted to put it into words. Before he could say anything, though, Donnie spoke up. “We’re still family, Michael. That hasn’t changed with the new training.”
“Not the way we’re going. We’re turning into an army.”
“No.” Raph finally spoke up. “We aren’t, and we won’t. We’ll honor the clan, but… family doesn’t mean an army. It means responsibility, sure, but most importantly? It means love.”
His three brothers were quiet for a long moment, merely looking at him, before Leo cracked a grin. “Way to get sentimental, Raph.”
“What? I’m not just saying it, I mean it.”
Donnie rolled his eyes a little. “So if you mean it, then what do you mean by it?”
“I mean that no matter what happens after this, we still have each other, and Dad. And April. She’s practically family at this point.” Raph huffed and looked away a moment, trying to find the right phrase. “What counts now is doing the right thing. And the right thing is making sure that armor doesn’t get put together, and Draxum and the Foot Clan don’t get their hands on it. Right?”
“Right,” his younger brothers answered, almost in unison.
“As long as we’re focused on that, and we’re not just fighting for the sake of fighting,” he continued, “then we’re still a family. We’re not an army. And that means we’ll be okay.”
“I… guess that makes sense,” Mikey replied after a minute of clearly considering the idea.
“Good. Now we ought to get to bed. It’s getting late.” He shooed the three of them out of his room, shutting the door and turning out his lights but waiting at it to listen for them going into their own respective rooms. Once he’d heard their doors shut, he turned to get into his bed and try to sleep but he heard his door open again behind him. “Mikey-”
“No.”
He froze at hearing his father’s voice and pivoted to face Splinter, backlit by the light from the hall behind him. “Uh… what’s the matter, Pop?”
“I overheard you talking to your brothers a little while ago.”
Raph’s mouth worked for a moment without producing any sounds, before he finally found his voice. “You did, huh?”
“Yes. I was impressed by your wisdom.” He turned to the door. “You are truly growing up, Raph. Sleep well.”
Say something, he begged himself internally. You have a chance to say something to him about how hard everything is right now, about how it’s too much. You need to use it. Draw the line. Say that enough is enough. Say something!
What actually and finally came out, though, was “Thanks, Pop. Good night.”
“Good night, Raph.”
He watched as Splinter stepped out, the door shutting behind him and leaving Raph in darkness, before he trudged to his bed and slumped onto it. He shut his eyes, but sleep was a long time coming as he untangled the knots in his stomach and wondered if someone who wasn’t able to say “enough” to his sensei was really “enough” as a leader.