Work Text:
Enter Password Alpha:
=> DiStriGuy312
Password Accepted
Enter Password Beta:
=> SnoopCoop420
Password Accepted
Security Query 1: What is simultaneously the most and least ironic thing about you?
=> MLP
Answer Accepted
Enter Password Gamma:
=> LittlePrince6969
Password Accepted
Enter Password Delta:
=>MrDirkEnglish1
Password Accepted
Welcome.
Entry #7156
You may begin.
It’s been a while. Too long you think. You can’t remember the exact reason that you two fought, only that things still hurt and still seem tense. There’s a lot that you want to talk about but you’re afraid of bringing it up in case he gets upset again. You feel like you’re failing him if you keep it inside and you feel like you’re disappointing him if you have another breakdown about things that you honestly wish you weren’t thinking, but in fact are.
Your name is Dirk Strider and things are going pretty rough in your relationship with one Jake English. The two of you have been together for a little more than 6 months and well, sometimes you have that question burning in the back of your mind that maybe it’s too late to back out and too soon to rush in. You have no idea how to really feel about things because all the splinters inside your mind are screaming different things at you.
There isn’t any real problem with Jake that you can pick out and just pinpoint? It’s a lot of small things that maybe shouldn’t bother you as much as they do. Things like how sometimes he just disappears for a while. And while everyone needs some time alone sometimes, he really doesn’t give you any warning and it causes you to panic nearly every time without fail. These fits of being left alone unannounced have also been leaving you feeling as though you’re sort of unwanted, but you wouldn’t dare admit that to him, lest he assure you tenfold and question where you got the notion in your head.
Jake telling you that he does love you and does want to be with you, unfortunately does little to calm your mind. His actions have been speaking louder than his words, as one of your splinters helpfully provides from the echoes of the cavern you shoved it in. This is the same splinter that deems his disappearances as needing space from you. You hate that guy and wish he would just shut the hell up and stop ruining your relationship from the inside. He doesn’t listen and doesn’t care.
Your mind is a minefield and you can’t seem to find the end of it and far too often you step on the mines by accident and blow yourself up. It’s not fun. It ruins a lot of things for you and for him because you let it get that far sometimes without realizing.
So can you really blame him for not doing some of the things he used to with you? He’s probably pulling away because you’re smothering him with requests for this or that, or you’re just being far too full on for his comfort. Long distance is a bitch sure, but maybe you’re just not cut out for it?
The two of you used to call each other all the time and even if maybe it wasn’t video, it was still something. It was being able to hear his voice, which is unfairly calming and makes you absolutely melt when you can hear him getting tired. It was having a form of communication that wasn’t flat or limited to expression via emoji. It was a lovely treat for your ears every time he graced you with an offer. And then he stopped offering and you got too timid to ask. So you haven’t spoken in nearly two months.
You still message every day of course. But probably only because you asked him to promise that you’d both still say goodnight and good morning. He agreed, sure, but he still slips up sometimes during fits of disappearance and it really does make you just a little bit sad. You can’t help but want more from him at all times because when the two of you first got together it was so full on.
Another thing that you miss is the blatant flirting. The two of you used to flirt it up all the time and now you’re lucky if he calls you by a pet name in a message or compliments you. He really acts as if you’re just extra chummy pals and that’s not quite the light you wanted to be painted in in his life. There’s so much missing for you right now that you wonder if it’d be better to look elsewhere.
He talks to your shared friends all the time though, even in group messages right in front of you. And yet? Your inbox remains a ghost town. No private messages. If you interact in the group he’ll speak to you. But never privately. It’s like he’s afraid to talk to you or something? Or maybe that’s just what your mind tells you.
You can’t help but be mad about it sometimes because it really does feel like he’s avoiding you in particular. Especially in comparison to how things used to be. You want to travel to him somehow but you know that’s just not an option right now. Distance sucks and shit’s challenging and he just doesn’t seem ready. You wouldn’t dare impose yourself on him like that, either.
So you wait. And you sit in your room in the dark. And you wait for his goodnight text so that you can feel like you have permission to go to sleep. Because apparently sometimes you need that ridiculous dom/sub dynamic shit in your regular personal life. You want him to care about you and show that he cares about you, so you wait for him to say goodnight before you can sleep.
Some nights you don’t sleep, or you at least stay up until unreasonable hours when you’re certain he’s passed out and forgotten to message. Depends on the night.
Then of course you wake up, and as always, you have to be the first one to say good morning in order to even get a response out of him. If you don’t he may wait until midday to say good morning to you or message first.
The shitty splinter in your mind tells you that it’s because he doesn’t think about you that much and that you’re an afterthought to him. A chore that he has to take care of and isn’t used to having to cater to. You really hate that. You try to ignore that splinter but it always finds a way to work into your thoughts again and make you paranoid.
It’s not something you enjoy and when you vent to Roxy about it in small pieces they always tell you to talk to him about it. But how can you do that if you’re afraid of starting another fight with him? You don’t want him to see you as more trouble than you’re worth and decide to just up and leave you. That would crush you. You love him.
You really do love Jake, despite all the things you’ve just complained about. You love the silly pet names that he calls you. And you love that when the two of you do get around to chatting that he’s always just so nice to you and so silly and unique. You love the manner in which he speaks, even if he sometimes confides to you that he thinks he sounds unintelligent. You think he’s pretty damn smart about certain things and that everyone has something they’re shit at.
You love that you do know so much about him, even if you don’t talk a whole lot directly to each other. You lurk in the group and learn things that he seems fine with sharing with everyone. Maybe that’s weird but sometimes you just don’t feel so up for letting everyone know you’re reading their chat. Sometimes you just want them to miss you and message you privately. Does that make you a hypocrite? Who knows.
You love the memories that you have with him and cherish the things he’s shared with you about his past and childhood. You wish that you could be with him vis a vis, but you’d rather not think about the litany of reasons why that can’t happen just yet. The unfortunate truth is that you’re in love with Jake English no matter how rough things get.
The way he wiggles his eyebrows comically in the very few videos he has sent you is just so damn charming. And his smile is the most disarming thing you’ve ever witnessed, as imperfect as it may be. You want to stick around to get to meet him in person and hug him. Want to know what his arms feel like wrapped around you, and whether he’s a light or firm hugger. Even if it’s gross and sweaty or clammy you want to know what it’s like to hold his hand for hours on end and just not let go because he’s really right there with you.
You want to hear him laugh, and witness it, and not just from the other end of a static-ridden phone call. You want to see all of his expressions and stare at his face even when he’s not looking at you. Honestly you’re aware that you’d be incredibly swept up in him if the two of you did get the chance to meet in person. You just still wonder if he’d be as taken with you in person?
You with your dumb hair and weird glasses, not to mention all your less than perfect features that you’re absolutely insecure about. Dirk Strider is not a man of complete confidence, regardless of the impression that you give of being so carefree and impassive about things. You sometimes wonder if maybe he feels like you led him to believe you were something else. That maybe he regrets not getting to know you better before the two of you got together.
It’s not something he’s hinted about, just another one of those things that your awful splintered mind slapped together to make you more insecure.
You wonder briefly if maybe all of this is just you over-inflating every little thing and that if you just learned to chill the fuck out, that you’d be happier. It feels like the right thing to do, but it’s also not a choice you make to overthink things. It might be something you should seek help for, but that would imply that you could let a shrink in and be open with them about how you’re feeling. That in and of itself is a struggle with your closest friends and your boyfriend already.
Per usual you settle for dealing with things on your own, because why bother anyone else with your issues? Unless of course they sign up for some sliver of it by agreeing to date you or declaring themself your “bestie”. Then you let them in some, but only what you think they might be able to handle. You never want to overwhelm the people that you care about.
You glance at your clock and check the time. It’s been about an hour and a half since you started this digital diary that is hidden under five different password protocols. Maybe that’s enough for tonight. You feel like you’ve gotten most of it out for now.
And- well look at that timing. A goodnight message from Jake. It’d be wise for you to get some shut eye and let your brain rest now that it’s not screaming so loud.
Goodnight.
=> Log Off