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I can't hide here forever.
Even as the thought appeared in Ezra’s mind, he pressed himself further into the corner of the Phantom he was curled up in. He didn’t want to face any of them. Not yet.
It had only been an hour, maybe a little more, since Ezra had first set foot on the Ghost again after four days in the hands of the Inquisitors. In the hands of – Ezra forced his thoughts to a screeching halt. She was the Fourth Sister now. That’s all she was, all he should think of her as.
A memory jolted to the surface of his mind, as if taunting him with the knowledge of who the Inquisitor really was. Arms catching him as his restraints snapped open, pulling him close until he was leaning on her for support.
“No,” he muttered. But he was too weak, too exhausted to struggle.
“I don’t want to keep doing this,” she said, her hand gently brushing across his hair. “If you just tell us where to find the fleet, I can make this stop.”
Ezra dug his nails into his forehead at the edge of his scalp. His stomach twisted itself into knots as his mind insistently repeated that his mother had done this to him. His mother had let the stormtroopers beat him before coming into the room and strapping him down to that table herself. His mother was the one who had ordered the increase in voltage again and again until Ezra had felt like every cell in his body was on fire. His mother was the one who’d tried to force her way into his mind when the electrocution and drugs didn’t get the results she wanted.
He wanted to throw up, to cry, to crawl into a dark pit somewhere and never come out. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right that the woman who’d once rocked him to sleep had coldly tortured him. It was like a sick joke the galaxy had played on him, making him listen to his own kriffing mother ordering him to betray his friends.
And now, in the cruelest twist of the knife, he had to tell Kanan. They could encounter the Inquisitors again at any time, and he couldn’t risk Kanan finding out from someone else.
As if on horrible cue, the sound of footsteps on the ladder met Ezra’s ears. Recognizing them immediately as Kanan’s, Ezra pulled his knees tighter against his chest, wishing he could just fade into the wall at his back.
When Kanan entered the Phantom, he spotted Ezra immediately. Sensing his master's sharp pang of sympathy, Ezra ducked his head and wiped the edge of his sleeve across his eyes, making sure no tears still clung there.
“Brought you these,” Kanan said. He tossed the small objects in his hand toward Ezra, who threw out a hand and stopped them in the air, letting them gently settle to the floor next to him. A ration bar and a bandage for the cut on his forehead.
“Once we get back to the fleet, we’ll dock with Phoenix Home so you can see a medic,” Kanan said. Ezra nodded, too worn out to argue that he didn’t need it.
The silence dragged out for far too long as Ezra tried to force himself to speak. The words were there, in his head. Kanan, there’s something I have to tell you. But the thought of saying them was like looking up at a cliff he’d just been told to scale and knowing he would fall before he reached the top.
Before Ezra could even begin to figure out how to make his voice work, Kanan spoke again.
“I’ll leave if you –”
He fell silent as Ezra shook his head. This was it. He had to say it now.
“There’s something you need to know.”
Kanan crossed the ship and sat down in front of Ezra, his concern feeling like popping, flying sparks in Ezra’s mind. Ezra dropped his gaze to the floor, avoiding Kanan’s eyes.
“The I-Inquisitor who – who interrogated me” – interrogated was so much easier to say than tortured – “she – she –”
The words broke off as another memory surged to the surface. Fingers gently brushing the tears from his cheeks just like they had when he was five and had fallen down the stairs. Her voice, almost apologetic as she said “Just tell me and this will all be over.”
“Ezra.” Kanan’s voice was so gentle that Ezra felt the hot sting of tears rise up behind his eyes again. “If you told her anything –”
“I didn’t,” Ezra said quickly. He’d already told Kanan that, and now he almost wished he was just being caught in a lie instead of needing to have this infinitely worse conversation.
He knew he had to say it, but fear coiled in the pit of Ezra’s stomach at the thought of how Kanan might react. Kanan could think he was a liability now, torn between his mother and his new family. Worse, Kanan could assume he was a traitor, that he’d already decided his loyalty was with her.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me,” Kanan said.
Ezra swallowed, but the lump in his throat didn’t budge. He forced himself to speak around it anyway, his voice hollow and halting.
“She – it was my mom.”
His words were met with silence, and for a moment, Ezra wondered if he’d actually spoken them out loud.
“Your mom –”
“She’s alive,” Ezra said. The pitch of his voice rose, growing more and more frantic with each word that tumbled from his mouth. “She’s alive and she’s Force sensitive and she’s an Inquisitor.”
His voice broke and once again he felt tears welling up in his eyes. As he tried to wipe them away, there was a quiet shuffle of movement and suddenly Kanan was beside him, an arm sliding around his shoulders.
Something inside Ezra broke at the feeling of his master’s touch. He clung to Kanan, pressing himself against the man’s side as the fresh wave of tears flowed down his cheeks.
“I am so sorry, Ezra.” Kanan’s voice was soft, but Ezra could hear the quiet horror within it.
“She – she hurt me,” Ezra gasped. He suddenly felt so small and scared, like a child confused by the first act of cruelty he’d ever witnessed, not a sixteen-year-old who knew all too well how the galaxy chewed people up and spat them out. “She t-tortured me.”
He didn’t know how long he stayed like that, his face pressed into Kanan’s shoulder as everything his mother had done to him replayed in his head. But eventually, he didn’t even have the strength to cry anymore. He lifted his head, looking up at Kanan. He had barely understood the words his master had said as he cried, but he had felt the soft, soothing feeling of Kanan trying to comfort him through the Force.
“I tried to get her to stop,” he said. “I tried to get her to let me go and come with me. But she just – she wouldn’t.”
“And that isn’t your fault,” Kanan said. “I know you did everything you could.”
Ezra let out a soft sigh as he lowered his gaze back to the floor. No matter what Kanan said, he felt like he should have done more, somehow. Some small, bitter voice in the back of his mind insisted that he hadn't done enough, that he'd abandoned her to the Inquisitors, just like she'd abandoned him.
“Ezra,” Kanan said, his hand gripping Ezra’s shoulder tightly. “This doesn’t change anything between us.”
The knots in Ezra’s stomach twisted. It was exactly what he so desperately wanted to hear, but it wasn’t making him feel any better. He felt contaminated, like seeds of darkness had been planted in his heart and were beginning to grow roots. Maybe they’d always been there, since the day he was born. He’d been so young when he’d last seen his mother that his memories of her could easy have been distorted by time and grief. Maybe she’d never really been the person he thought she was.
“I won't turn,” Ezra said. “I promise. I don’t care what she does to me next time.”
“There won't be a next time,” Kanan said. “I won't let that happen.”
“You can't promise that,” Ezra muttered.
Kanan sighed softly, drawing Ezra against his side once more.
“I know,” he said. “But I can promise I’ll do everything I can to protect you.”
Ezra curled up against Kanan's side, wishing the man’s warm, comforting presence was enough to chase the pain and darkness and horror away. Kanan could make all the promises he wanted, but Ezra knew his master couldn't protect him forever.
One day, he would have to face his mother again.