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It had been six weeks since she’d seen Kara in person.
It had seemed like the right decision at the time. After she’d talked down Andrea, after Kara had gotten the world out of their collective VR bubble, everything had been a little bit quieter. Lena had been a little bit lost.
Watching Kara from the corner of her eye the whole night had really not done her any favors. Instead, it just seemed to dredge up the very emotions she’d spent months pushing down, the little questions that popped up whenever Kara had that specific glint in her eye.
She’d told Lena that maybe she could accept her apology, had nodded over to her with that stupidly endearing grin, and maybe Lena felt her lips quiver, maybe she felt a tidal wave in her chest. They’d shaken hands, sworn to take down Lex, and then they’d parted ways for the night. It was awkward, especially so when she stood a few feet back and watched Kara and Nia and Alex and Kelly talk, even more when she watched them stride off together, probably off for a round of drinks. She knew that it was better to not be invited, better to take some time, but maybe it still hurt. Just a little bit.
But then Kara had looked back at her, a question in her eyes, that stupid crinkle between her eyebrows that always made Lena melt. She’d known Kara was right, known that they’d have to talk… but she shook her head.
“Go have fun,” she mouthed, hoping Kara would understand, and the superhero was at her side in another flash of air.
“Could we talk tomorrow, maybe?”
Lena hesitated. “I don’t know. I don’t… I think maybe I…”
Kara’s expectant gaze softened as she leaned forward slightly, nodding once. “Look, Lena… if you need time, that’s totally okay with me.”
And just like that Lena remembered why she’d felt the way she had, why she probably still did feel that way- why you could be furious at Kara one minute and then look at her and let her remind you of her care and it’d all disappear. Why she’d been so mad in the first place. Why she’d let herself fall in love again.
“I- I’ll let you know, Kara, alright?”
And Kara had nodded, and turned, and then looked back for half a second as though she was going to say something else before shaking her head slightly and rushing out of the room in another gust of air to follow her sister and her friends.
And now it had been six weeks.
Lena had taken the plunge that day, knocking on Kara’s door with a hole in her chest. She’d apologized, watched Lex drop off the grid with the promise of a bold return, watched everyone else’s lives stitch themselves slowly back to normal as they often did.
The first week she’d spent in a sort of trance. Waking up that first Monday after the events of the weekend, she didn’t go into work, instead turning on her television for the first time in months and gingerly sitting on the edge of her sofa. She didn’t cook, either, opting instead to order takeout and spending the whole week working up to letting herself call Kara’s favorite potsticker joint (she isn’t able to do it, ultimately, instead settling for any random dish Kara has ever shown the slightest dislike or even disinterest in. Potstickers are Kara’s food). She texts James that first week, wishing him well in the little town he’d found himself in.
He responded within seconds of her first text, thanking her for her contact and subtly indicating the idea that maybe, just maybe, his sister could refer her to another trauma specialist. Just in case she was interested.
She texts Kelly the next day, finds herself in therapy on the second week away from Kara, fidgeting with the seams of a huge plush couch and slowly recounting the highlights of her story. Lex. Watching her mother sink underwater. Mercy, Andrea, Veronica. The public eye.
It does feel freeing, she has to admit. Exhausting, too, and she finds herself inside Noonan’s before she can realize that’s where she’s taken herself. She means to order a black coffee, but again before she realizes it she’s rattled off Kara’s favorite order, complete with sticky bun and about fifteen sugar packets.
She decides to let herself be melodramatic, takes a sip of the coffee once she’s stepped outside the restaurant and promptly spits it back into the container. It’s revolting, sugar and cream packed so high inside that there’s barely a hint of coffee left. (Still, she keeps the sticky bun, cuts it open on her desk that first day back at work and licks her fingers off just like Kara always does. It hurts, but just a little less.)
And then there’s the third week, where she returns to therapy Monday morning. Where she finally breathes deeply and starts to explain the enigma that is one Kara Danvers, the woman who could change the course of Lena’s entire day with one single look, the only person- really, the only one- that Lena would give herself to without a question. If Kara asked, Lena knew there was nothing she wouldn’t do.
It was terrifying.
There was no reason to feel that deeply. She hadn’t felt that with James or Jack, both of whom she loved dearly but not quite in that way, she’d come to realize. That hadn’t been there with Veronica, even after she’d felt shivers go down her spine at every calculated smirk across the classroom. Lena never felt it with Mercy, such a formative crush, even when she’d come into Lena’s bedroom and lain down on the floor and started talking about goddamn men. She hadn’t even felt that with Andrea, watching Titanic for the eighteenth time and crying behind each other’s hands.
Kara was different. Kara was extraordinary.
Lena lets herself get drunk that night, the first time in those three weeks, lets herself cry a little bit and put on the antique record player and play old Patsy Cline records just softly enough to fall asleep to.
In the fourth week, it starts to hurt again. She goes into L Corp every day, catches Jess making concerned gestures to other employees and hushed telephone calls about the state of her boss. Lena catches the tail end of one such call on her way to a board meeting, still feeling the overwhelming urge to curl up in a ball in her bed and sleep for days.
“Okay. Yes, okay, I’ll make sure she eats something before she leaves. Probably around eleven. Okay-,”
Jess catches sight of her and pushes the end call button, gazing up at her like the picture of innocence.
“Jess, who was that?”
“What? Oh, no one. Just… my mom.”
“Your… mom.”
“Yes, Ms. Luthor. She just likes to make sure I’m getting home on time.”
Lena doesn’t have the energy to remind Jess to use her first name, or to call her out on one of the plainest lies she’s ever heard. She just nods, guides herself to the board room, lets herself gaze out the window for half the meeting for the first time since she was a child.
(It comes to her that night, when she’s finally in bed, that someone was calling about her wellbeing, about her dinner habits. If it had been a few months ago, Lena would have known exactly who it was. Now, she lets herself drift off.)
The fifth week comes with a sudden urge of productivity. She goes to the gym for the first time in maybe years, swims lazy laps with the returning urge she’d had at twelve, second best on the swim team before her mother’s bored insinuations about being the very best, before she quit to play to her strengths and code. She never could do a proper flip turn, but she lets herself float for a few seconds after each lap, staring up at the skylight showing the gaping blue sky above the pool. She would’ve sworn she saw a quick flash of red if she hadn’t been more put together. She clenches her teeth and dives.
And now it had been six weeks, Monday night, after her fifth therapy session. She’d gotten a pizza for dinner- Hawaiian, which Kara always defended with Supergirl’s ferocity. The Patsy Cline record was once again spinning behind her, haunting tones covering her as she took another bite and got a particularly good slice of pineapple. The television was muted in the corner, but Lena caught a glimpse of Supergirl footage- the hero was sitting in the middle of some sort of pet store, surrounded on all sides by truly adorable puppies. Close to five of them crawled up her legs and into her lap, while another that sat firmly in her palm licked adoringly at her ear.
SUPERGIRL VISITS ANIMAL SHELTER FUNDRAISER, the text proclaims, and Lena finally lets herself look up into her face. A look of total bliss was on her features, Supergirl was blushing and laughing and smiling at the dogs while talking to someone off camera every few seconds with a grin that could rival the stars.
She knows her heart is racing, knows a fond smile must be on her face, because despite the cape and the crest, the girl sitting with those dogs is hers. Her girl, her Kara. With all the strength and poise of Supergirl and all the internal joy of Kara Danvers.
It hits Lena that this must be Kara Zor-El, this must be the real middle ground. Kara with a little bit more assurance, a hint more strength. The girl she loved.
Lena feels a rushing wave of fondness as the woman on the screen looks right into the camera and beams, just for a second, before the screen cuts to some news anchors and Lena feels like she’s been doused with ice water. She pushes the power on the remote, lets the screen flash to black, lets herself adjust with the pizza and the faint sirens and the otherwise quiet night cut through with faint music.
She wants to see Kara, wants so badly it starts to hurt again. She’s already reviewed every picture of her that she has on her phone, every outline of her face in the background of Lena’s pictures, any blurry shots or accidental side glimpses. She’s even strayed online over the past few weeks, flicked through shots of Supergirl with her hands on her hips and her eyebrows arched.
And now she’s pretty sure there’s none left, she’s seen every photo of the two of them together about ten times around and she just wants to be close enough to look at the indents of that little eyebrow scar, to count the freckles on the tops of her cheekbones near her eyelashes, wants to look at the adorable parting of her lips and trace them with her eyes. Lena wants, and she needs, and she doesn’t know what else to do for once in her twenty six years.
“Kara?” she says once, aloud. She’s immediately struck by the ridiculousness of it- of course when she told Kara she’d let her know Kara would assume to wait for a text, or a CatCo visit. Not to listen out in the late hours of Monday nights to hear her name called halfway across the city.
She groans at her own stupidity, lifting up her couch cushion to where her phone slipped through, going to her messages. She almost wants to groan again, this time slightly fondly, as she sees Kara’s name nestled in her text chains with a truly obscene amount of emojis next to it. The only other emoji ridden contact name is Ruby’s, because of course only Kara could and would rival a fourteen year old in that department.
She shakes her head fondly but clicks on the name slowly, hesitating before beginning to type out some sort of message, some sort of question. She deletes it quickly, letting out an exasperated sigh.
She hears a little throat clearing sound from behind her, whirls around to see Supergirl- no, to see Kara- standing there politely, hands clasped together, a worried expression on her face.
“Um, I’m sorry for just coming in, the balcony window was open and I just sort of assumed- I can go, if you weren’t expecting me. I’m sorry.”
She turns quickly, before Lena can process, and Lena can see her shoulders slump a little bit. Just a hint, but just enough for her to see the same body language as her best friend, of the girl she was maybe a little bit in love with.
“No, Kara- I did call you. You just surprised me, I’m sorry.”
Kara spins around with a faint smile, but then cocks her head at Lena. “Don’t apologize to me. Please. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
Lena chokes out a wry, humorless laugh and Kara studies her, scrunching up her lips before gesturing to the balcony.
“Why don’t we talk outside?”
It’s a slow night in National City, less car lights and street noise. The end of June usually means people starting their vacations, kids bussing off to summer camps, the heat of the beginning summer casting a quiet haze over the city. Kara is gazing out at the buildings thoughtfully, hair rustling softly in the faint breeze and Lena is almost overwhelmed, so she speaks.
“I’ve started unpacking my boxes, you know,” she says quietly, and Kara turns to her in surprise, clearly not having expected Lena to speak. “The imaginary ones, I mean. It’s been… it’s been hard. You know? I can’t remember the last time I let myself really feel without pushing it down. First it was realizing that I was going to love people my parents wouldn’t approve of, realizing I liked girls. Then it was my brother’s wild rampage. The deaths. My father died. My brother went to prison. My mother started to be... well. You know her. Then it was me realizing that I actually couldn’t love who my parents wanted me to at all. Then it was Kasnia, and Reign, and everything. I don’t remember feeling. Well. Except for you.”
Kara is looking at her so softly, nodding ever so slightly as if saying “go on.” Lena takes a breath and does.
“Did you know I started going to therapy?”
At that Kara positively beams. She looks at Lena, so careful to make eye contact, and then says slowly, “I’m really proud of you, Lena.”
Lena feels something swell deep in her chest and smiles as Kara looks back out on the city. “I’ve been seeing someone too, actually.”
“Really? And they can’t disclose anything about… you know?” Lena gestures towards the cape and boots and Kara laughs softly.
“Well, there’s the NDAs from Alex. But also therapists are like, sworn to secrecy. Did you know that? I could go in and say I was an accomplice to a murder and they couldn’t tell anyone. It’s crazy.” Kara is shaking her head in disbelief and Lena feels another wave of fondness for this girl, with her stupidly sweet manner. How could she hate herself for falling in love with her, Lena finally amends, if she’s just so good?
“It’s been really nice, actually. Helpful. I talked with her about Lex, Lillian. All the traumas, I suppose. And about- well.”
“About me?” Kara supplies helpfully, quietly, smiling sadly. “Lena, I- I know you’ve heard it, but I really am so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m sorry I called you those things, I’m sorry I let it all get so out of hand, and now you’re probably not going to forgive me, and-,”
“Kara, I forgave you weeks ago. Please can we stop apologizing for the past? I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I just want to talk about what’s next. Please.”
Kara nods thoughtfully and Lena notices that her posture is not the stiff, professional one of Supergirl or the clumsy one of Kara Danvers. This is the woman she watched on her TV screen earlier, the middle ground, the slight arch of her back over the railing with her cape fluttering near her ankles but her earlobes sporting tiny gold studs shaped like dumplings.
“I like your earrings, Kara,” she says with a trace of amusement and lets her stomach flutter as Kara’s forehead crinkles, hands flying up to her earlobes as she blushes deep pink. “Shoot, Supergirl wouldn’t- you weren’t supposed to see those.”
“No, don’t take them out! They’re cute.” Lena reaches for Kara’s ear without thinking, brushing her pinky past Kara’s hand. Kara jerks her fingers away in an instant, blushing only redder, and Lena breathes deeply before readjusting the back. “Keep them.”
Kara nods.
“So how is everyone? How’s Kelly, and Alex?” Kara doesn’t answer, and Lena turns, furrowing her brow.
“I think I’m in love with you.”
Lena feels her heart drop, feels her eyes widen. She looks over at Kara who is resolutely staring anywhere but at her, brow furrowed and lip between her teeth.
“W-what?”
“I’m really sorry. I know you said don’t apologize, and I wasn’t going to tell you right away anyway, but then you called for me and I was already in bed trying to listen for your heartbeat when I heard my name and I got up so fast and I was stumbling around and trying to find my cape and obviously I was in a rush because I’m still wearing the freaking potsticker earrings Nia got me, and then I came over and you just looked so nervous and I’ve been so worried about you because Jess said you hadn’t been in and then when you came back you weren’t really eating lunch and I didn’t want to bring you any because you asked for space and I just missed you so much and then just now you’re asking about my sister and it’s just so thoughtful and I- I think I’m in love with you.” She finally turns to Lena, eyes wide but serious. “I’m going to go now, Lena. Get some rest, okay?”
Before Lena can even protest she’s gone in another gust of wind and Lena is alone on the balcony, cold despite the late-June air, and suddenly exhausted again.
The record player is still on when she goes back inside but she leaves it running, too tired to even get to her bed, and she lets herself fall back on the couch and sleep.
--
She doesn’t wake up to an alarm- she must have forgotten since falling asleep on the couch. Lena curses, fumbling for her phone before reading the 10% charged signal. It’s eleven fifteen in the morning, she’s already more than two hours late for L-Corp, and she is a complete mess.
When she finally manages to change quickly into something resembling a professional outfit, she’s out the door, but not before a bright pink bag on her counter stops her. A note is pinned to the front, reading-
Here’s some lunch, so you have no excuse to not eat today. Game night’s at 7? You’re totally welcome to come.
Of course, Kara’s name is scrawled below it with a looping heart drawn in green sharpie and Lena fights the urge to squeal like a teenager. She grabs the bag instead, clenching it tight in her hand before hurrying out the door.
She finally gets to L-Corp where Jess doesn’t comment on her lateness, instead reading off a quick list of the calls she’s missed.
“Oh, and Ms. Luthor?”
“Lena, Jess.”
“Right. Lena. I’m really glad you talked with Kara again. She’s been so worried about you.”
In lieu of a reply, Lena just nods slowly. “Could you remind me at, say, six thirty, to get ready to leave a bit early? I’m going to Kara’s for game night again.”
Jess does a good job of disguising the clear thrill on her face. “Of course.”
Six thirty comes and Lena decides to walk to Kara’s apartment, maybe because it’ll take a little longer, maybe so that she can stop at a deli and pick Kara up some of those disgusting Haribo peach candies she loves so much. Maybe it’s both.
Once she gets the two packs of candy she makes her way over to Kara’s loft. She isn’t sure if they’re talking about it, about the outburst of confessions Kara let out before flying off. Lena isn’t sure what she wants, because she’s caught between contentment in quietness and the dark, deep, overwhelming desire for Kara, for Kara’s love. For her own love to be out in the open.
She knocks only once on Kara’s door before it’s swinging open, Kara standing on the other side with comically wide eyes and a trace of nerves present on her perfect features. At the coffee table in the back of her apartment Brainy, Nia, Kelly, and Alex go still for about half a second before Kelly loudly clears her throat and the chatter resumes.
Lena smiles sort of shyly at Kara. “Um… hi.”
“Hi.”
“About… what you said?”
“Could we maybe talk after?” Kara says quickly and Lena nods.
“Of course. Sure. I totally understand.”
“Great,” Kara says, and she looks calm for the first time since opening the door. “Ooh, what’s that in your hand?”
“I brought you some of those peach candies,” Lena says, laughing as Kara opens her mouth in delight. “You know they’re going to wreck your teeth right?”
“Oh, I’m invincible, I’ll be fine,” Kara says quickly, almost winces as she realizes she called forward the topic of their former fight, but Lena smiles at her and she nods, evaporating the guilt.
“Okay, but you can’t let anyone else have those. You can only wreck your teeth. Don’t put Nia through it.”
“Sure. I’ll make sure these only belong to me.” Lena laughs and Kara takes the bags from her hand, looking down at them fondly. “Thank you, Lena.”
She knows it’s sincere, and Lena chooses not to dwell. “Sure. What are they playing back there?”
Lena gets wrapped quickly up in the Game of Life, and despite any initial fear the rest of the group welcomes her with open arms. Kelly pats her on the back, Brainy starts spouting random statistics about Lena’s arrival and her chances at winning, and Lena starts to maybe believe that she could get used to this. Starts to maybe believe that she deserves to.
Kara doesn’t sit next to her that first game, instead choosing to sit near her sister but send Lena little private smiles every few moves. However, during Castle she shifts a bit down the couch after Lena wins second behind her. When it’s time to play charades, no one has a chance to pick a team before Kara blurts, “I’ll be with Lena.” Alex raises her eyebrows and opens her mouth as though about to say something, but Kelly starts to speak right as she does and Lena’s never been more grateful.
Kara’s enthusiasm is really quite sweet. They start out strong, but once Kara mimes some kind of yard work Lena loses her touch, fixated on flexed muscles and the way Kara brushes her hair out of her face with one hand. Things go downhill after that, and once Nia and Brainy are crowned champions, Kelly stands up, nudging Alex.
“Okay, well. I think it might be time Alex and I get going. I’ve got a pretty early morning with some more VR damage control.”
“What? Kelly, it’s only nine.” This is Kara speaking, looking a bit panicked, but Alex stands up too.
“Uh, yeah, I have a really busy day tomorrow. I gotta go to… the grocery store.”
“What?” Brainy says, “I can’t imagine that resulting in a busy day. A grocery store trip should rarely take more than an hour.”
Alex is looking bewildered, floundering around for some other kind of excuse, but Nia stands too. “Actually, Brainy, we should get going too. We have those plans tomorrow. Bye, Kara, Lena.”
“Nia!” Kara hisses, “Alex!”
“I don’t understand what you’re referring to,” Lena can hear Brainy saying as the door swings shut behind the four of them, and Lena and Kara are once again alone.
Kara is very pink. “Um, I’m sorry about them, they’re just being… weird, I guess.”
“Can I help you clear up?” Lena asks, choosing to ignore this, and Kara looks relieved.
“Sure, if you want. I mean, I could just use super speed, though.”
“I know, but I sort of like to help.”
Kara nods, and they set to work clearing up plates and game boards in silence. Lena doesn’t mind the quiet, likes coexisting with Kara, just inhabiting the same space and the same corner of their universe with her. It’s easy, with Kara. She never feels out of place.
Ultimately, though, she is the one to break the silence. “Do you think they… were okay? With me being back here?”
Kara pauses, makes deliberate eye contact again just like on the balcony. “They’ve missed you too. They were really glad to have you back.”
“Did they miss me as much as you?” Lena teases, partly to deflect from herself and partly to see Kara get flustered again. She’s rewarded with a blushing Kara beside her, but she actually moves to answer.
“No,” Kara replies, but she leans down to pick up a bowl and lets her hair shield her face from Lena in a sort of curtain. “No, I don’t think anybody missed you as much as I did.”
Lena hadn’t really expected something so sincere but she smiles shakily, bites at a fingernail.
“Kara? Could we maybe… talk about it now?”
Kara sighs, as if she was really hoping to put this off, but she nods. In a flashing burst of speed, the plates and trinkets are cleared, leaving only the peach candy to remain on the coffee table. Kara sits on the sofa, gesturing for Lena to sit beside her, before tearing open the package and taking a candy shakily.
“Did you mean what you said?” Lena lets out in a burst and Kara looks up at her with a puzzled expression, still chewing on the gummy.
“What do you mean?”
“When you said… that you loved me. Did you mean it?” Lena asks, looks down at her fingers, doesn’t want to see Kara respond. She can still almost feel the crinkle, however.
“Of course I did,” Kara lets out, “how could I not? You’re… I don’t even know how to explain it. You’re so incredible, Lena Luthor.”
Lena allows herself to let out a little sigh, it’s a contented one, but Kara seems to jump in to some kind of explanation.
“I didn’t always realize. I mean, from the day I met you I thought you were absolutely beautiful, of course, and then I got to know you and I was just in awe of your brilliance, your goodness. But then I hadn’t told you I was Supergirl, and you started to hate her, to hate me, and I just couldn’t deal with it. I thought I was protecting you, I thought I was doing what was right, but I was wrong, and then I didn’t know how to lose you because I loved you so much. I still do love you.
And I totally understand if you don’t feel the same way, I totally get it. This is a big deal, and it’s a lot to spring on you, so if you need more space, I get it, or if you want to just be friends I can deal with that too, I can keep my distance until I can handle it a little better. I’m really sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable, Lena. But Alex has been telling me that when you finally admit your love it’s, like, freeing, and that sometimes it’s hard and it sucks but other times you get someone who you can make pancakes for in the middle of the night and that’s so perfect and… I don’t know. You deserved to know the truth. You deserve it.”
Kara finally looks up at her, a question on her face, and Lena lets out a little huff of breath through a smile.
“Do you want to make me some pancakes now? I think it’s sufficiently nighttime, wouldn’t you say?”
Kara looks lost. “What?”
“Well, you said you could get someone to make pancakes for. Why don’t you make me some?”
“I don’t really understand.”
“Kara, of course I’m in love with you. Are you kidding? I don’t want you to pretend, and I think if you gave me more space I might have to kill you. I’m not even kidding. But listen, I think I’ve loved you since the moment I met you. And I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t angry, or heartbroken, or feeling betrayed. I was. And I made some stupid choices. So did you, I won’t lie. But I still think you, Kara Zor-El, are one of the truly good people in the universe.”
Kara looks like she’s about to cry and Lena moves closer to her on the couch, cups her cheeks.
“Kara?”
“Yeah?”
“Could I maybe… kiss you?”
“Please,” Kara lets out in a gust of breath, and then suddenly her lips are crashing into Lena’s.
It takes her by surprise. Something about Kara’s lips (the same ones she’s forced herself to look away from countless times) finally touching into hers feels like home. Her eyes slam shut, and she lets her fingers wind around Kara’s back until they’re tickled by the ends of Kara’s golden hair, which she scrapes through up to the scalp. Kara lets out a little gasp into her mouth and it’s perfect, perfect, and Lena maybe never wants to break away.
She has to, of course, and Kara leans backwards with her, eyes fluttering open and awe on her face.
“Wow. Lena, I-,”
“I know, darling. I love you too.”
Kara beams, then, and if Lena’s thought that her life has been dark since Kara left it, if she thought the late nights were dark and cold, she’s wrong now, because nothing brighter has ever shone her way.
Kara boundes up from the couch. “Do you like chocolate chips in your pancakes?”
“Obviously.”
“Good. Cause honestly, if you didn’t, I’d need to rethink this whole love thing.”
Lena snorts. “That’s never going to happen.”
Kara smiles softly. “Okay, chocolate chip pancakes it is! Give me a few seconds.” She grabs Lena’s hand and lays a little kiss on it, smiles again widely, and bursts off to the kitchen with a lingering warning not to eat any of her peach candies.
Later that night, as they eat chocolate chip pancakes together on Kara’s busted up couch with the TV muted nearby and adoration in the air, Lena concludes that maybe she’s allowed to heal. Maybe she’s allowed to be this happy, with this girl, in this life. Maybe this is the happy ending she is finally entitled to.