Chapter Text
He takes a quick sip, but it’s far from his first, and he’s already eroded away all of the necessary motor control to prevent it from spilling all down his shirt. “Want some?” he slurs, holding it out like he didn’t just place his own lip to the cup himself, and like the man he’s talking to isn’t the single least likely man to accept even a drop of the putrid stuff.
“Someone's shitfaced already,” observes BoJack, raising an eyebrow knowingly. “I haven’t drank anything since that time Herb dragged my stupid ass to rehab.”
“Ah, maybe I’ve had a little too much.” He puts the glass down, where some of the contents predictably spill onto the white lacy tablecloth. “I thought it might make me more sociable.”
BoJack’s eyes widen. “You don’t know anyone here, do you?”
“I know you and Herb,” says Bradley, somewhat defensively. His face turns a colour somewhere between his hair and his wine.
“Yeah, but we’ve been super busy the whole time. Do you know anyone else here?”
“Joelle,” he answers. “And Sarah Lynn.”
“Unfortunately.”
“Unfortunately,” he agrees. “How’d you get them to not be at each other’s throats all day?”
BoJack chuckles nervously, “Oh, it took a lot to persuade Sarah Lynn.”
She crossed her arms stubbornly, shrinking a little in her seat. She tried to sit up straight in a show of confidence, but it came across more like desperately pressing herself against the back of the chair in an attempt to grasp at any additional distance she could get access to. “Okay, spill it.”
Herb frowned. “What?”
“You never ask me to just come over anymore. It’s always because you want something.” Her voice rises an octave or two in mockery of him. “Sarah Lynn, please stop doing drugs, we’re worried! Sarah Lynn, don’t shove a fork in the toaster, you’ll die! Sarah Lynn, you need to wear clothes, it’s what people do!” She pouted. “Well, just tell me what you want, already.”
“Um,” said Herb. He cleared his throat. “As you know, BoJack and I have been together for a long time in this universe, and as of 2014, which is the current year, we’re getting married soon.”
BoJack stood behind Herb in a way that was probably supposed to be supportive, but came across more like a terrible impression of a bad cop in a cop show. “Yeah,” he half-snarled, crossing his arms and smirking. “We’ve been together since I stopped him from getting fired from Horsin’ Around after he got outed, which is what I did in this universe, and now we’re finally ready to have a big party to celebrate it.”
Sarah Lynn blinked. “Why are you telling me things that I already know?”
“Because,” Herb continued. “Obviously, both you and Joelle will be at the wedding, and I know you two don’t exactly get along, so…” He trailed off hopefully.
“Oh.” She visibly relaxed a little, sitting forward in her seat. “So, basically, what you’re saying is, you want me to not make fun of Joelle’s eating disorder.”
Herb seemed a little stunned at just how easy it was to drill it into her. “Uh, yeah, pretty much.”
“Cool.” She held out a hand expectantly. “That’ll be eight thousand dollars.”
“Oh, but what am I doing?” He internally reprimands himself. “I’ve learned to care about being polite to other people in this universe. I should try introducing you to someone.”
“Yeah,” snarks Bradley. “That seems like a blatant excuse to introduce the character dynamics in this universe.”
“Well, uh, let’s see, who would you get along with -- maybe Todd?” He scans the crowd, but the man in question seems to have gone outside to watch the fireworks. At Bradley’s raised eyebrow, he adds, “Todd’s this kid that showed up at our Halloween party five years ago and asked if he could stay for the night.”
“...And you kept in touch?”
“It’s been hard not to. He still hasn’t moved out.” He continues looking through the crowd. “Oh, maybe you’d like to meet Princess Carolyn? She’s still my agent in this universe, but we have a pretty straight-forward friendship. Maybe she could help you with your Ethan Around idea, which I know about because in this universe, I listen when people talk to me.”
Bradley frowns. “Why do we keep specifying that we’re referring to this universe? What other universe would we be referring to?”
“I dunno.” He continues searching. His eyes widen. “Oh! That’s Diane. Do you want to meet Diane? She’s a writer.”
Bradley raises an eyebrow slightly. “Your ghostwriter?”
“Yeah, her. She’s writing my biography for me, since it rudely refused to write itself.” He frowns. “Actually, you probably shouldn’t meet her. She’s bound to be with Mr. Peanutbutter, and he’s annoying.” He thinks for a moment. “Huh, who else should I briefly consider introducing you to, before eventually deciding not to?”
Before he can answer, a young-looking horse girl runs up to them and grabs BoJack’s sleeve, tugging at him excitedly. Bradley thinks he can vaguely remember her as one of the bridesmaids. “BJ, there’s a girl over there that looks like Sarah Lynn, sounds like Sarah Lynn, and says she’s Sarah Lynn.”
“She’s probably Sarah Lynn, then.”
The girl squeals in excitement. “Wait, so I’ve actually met the Sarah Lynn?!”
“Yeah, probably.” He grins in that slightly patronizing way that adults generally talk to teenagers. “So, what’s the Sarah Lynn doing?”
“Uh, she’s taking a lot of drugs, and she tried to fight my dad.”
“Oh, shit.” His eyes widen. “Which one?”
“Jose.”
“Oh, that’s fine, then. Sarah Lynn is just like that.”
Herb spent several long seconds staring at her in stunned silence. “Sorry,” he finally got out. “You want me to pay you thousands of dollars for basic human decency?”
“Yep,” deadpanned Sarah Lynn. “Pay up.”
Herb blinked several times. “Sorry,” he said again. “It’s just -- that’s ridiculous. You get that that’s ridiculous, right?” He turned to BoJack. “Back me up, BJ.”
BoJack shrugged. “Eh, just pay up and this’ll all be way easier.”
Herb’s head reeled and everyone could see it. “Sorry,” he said for a third time. “You’re telling me I should pay Sarah Lynn thousands of dollars for basic human decency?”
“Yep,” deadpanned BoJack. While Herb continued to stare at him, visibly astonished, he added, “Hey, you’re the one that’s got a philanthropy fetish now.”
“I -- BoJack!” he stuttered out defensively. “Okay, first of all, wanting to help people instead of just being ridiculously rich doesn’t mean I have a fetish. Second of all, ridiculously rich people giving comically large sums of money to other ridiculously rich people for stupid reasons isn’t exactly my idea of philanthropy.”
“Really? That’s pretty much my idea of philanthropy.”
“Oh my God.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, then turned back to Sarah Lynn. “You know what? Fine. Have the eight thousand dollars. I’m sure you’ll grow to thoroughly regret this, once you’ve matured a little and stopped being so mean to Joelle, but for now, you can have it. Cash or cheque?”
“Cash would be nice.”
“Wait a sec,” said BoJack. Herb’s eyes lit up for a moment, in the hope that somebody else was about to point out that this was absolutely insane, only for that hope to be dashed when BoJack turned to Sarah Lynn and said, “So what exactly are we bribing you to not do?”
“You’re bribing me to not make fun of Joelle’s eating disorder.” Her eyes were wide as she looked up at them. She blinked twice. BoJack narrowed his eyes.
“Define ‘make fun of’.”
“Uh,” She gestured vaguely. “Like, making jokes about it, I guess?”
“Wait, no, hold up,” said BoJack, frowning deeply. “By that logic you’re still allowed to be a bitch about it as long as you’re not joking. You could tell her to her face to go purge and we’d still have to give you the money if you’re serious about it.”
She clicked her tongue. “Busted.”
“You -- Busted?!” echoed Herb incredulously. “As in, you were planning to tell Joelle, completely seriously, to go out and relapse on her eating disorder? Oh my, oh my God.” He groaned. “Okay, here’s the deal: you’re not allowed to mention Joelle’s eating disorder in any context.”
“You should also probably avoid commenting on her body or her eating habits,” added BoJack. “Or doing that thing where you flip her off, and then she flips you off back because she’s angry that you’re flipping her off, and then you shove your middle finger up your throat and pretend to gag.”
Sarah Lynn hummed and hawed about this for much longer than she had any right to, before eventually she sat up straight, and said, “Okay, that’ll be twenty thousand dollars.”
Bradley frowns. “Who’s that?”
“Oh, her?” He grins. “Crazy story. So, since I got therapy in the 90s after finishing rehab in this universe, at some point in 1999 my dad called me to be all like, ‘hey, since you’re so well-adjusted, do you want to adopt this baby that my maid’s having because I cheated on your mom again?’ And I was like, ‘no, get lost, you gave me an entire childhood of relentless trauma’.”
Bradley’s eyes widen. “Umm…”
“Anyway, long story short, she got adopted by eight gay idiots in a polyamorous relationship, and my mom and Herb guilted me into getting in touch with them to see if they’d be okay with her meeting her biological half-brother. Her name’s Hollyhock, she’s just about to turn fourteen. I go down to Kansas to visit her once a month or so. This is the first time she’s come to California, though.”
“That explains the ‘wait, so I’ve actually met the Sarah Lynn?!’ thing.” He frowns. “Hey, BoJack?”
“Yeah?”
“What happens now?” BoJack raises an eyebrow at him and he elaborates. “I mean, this -- this is everything you ever dreamed of, right? I just feel like your life’s going to be pretty boring now.”
“Eh, sometimes boring’s -- sometimes it’s good, you know?” He gestures vaguely. “Don’t get me wrong, nothing’s gonna be dull. Todd and Herb are probably gonna be in all sorts of whacky schemes. But, I’m not gonna have to deal with another goddamn drama every day, you know? No more stress.” He leans back against the table. “I can just, you know, relax and work on my biography.”
“I thought you got a ghostwriter for that.”
“Yeah, but sometimes I talk to her and pretend it’s work.” He grins. “This is the endgame, I guess. I’m a well-adjusted adult with a family, settled down in California and too rich to need to bother with more work. There’s nowhere to go from here, really.”
“There’s always somewhere to go,” says Bradley. His frown deepens. “I mean, even if you’re happy with how your life has ended up, don’t you want to -- I dunno, help other people get to where they want to be? And that’s gonna mean they’ll change, and that’ll change things for you, too.”
“Pfft, don’t be ridiculous.” He waves a hand dismissively. “Everyone else in my life is just as well-adjusted as I am.”
Bradley opens his mouth to point out that he’s apparently had some random kid living with him for the last five years, but before he can say it, he gets very nearly knocked over by a very breathless Sarah Lynn. “Hey,” she pants, leaning on the table. “Next time I see Herb, remind me to give him his twenty thousand dollars back, okay?” She quickly ties her hair up into a messy bun, preventing it from covering the fact that the left side of her cheek has a rather concerning looking scratch that looks suspiciously like it came from bear claws. “I was a huge bitch to Joelle and now we’re gonna fight in the car park.” She pours several miscellaneous pills from an orange translucent bottle into her hand, places them on her tongue, and washes them down with the remains of Bradley’s drink. “See you later.”
She runs off. Bradley stares at her in stunned silence.
“...What were you saying?” he finally manages to get out.
BoJack rubs the back of his neck nervously. “She offered to pay us back after she broke the conditions of the bribe. That shows that she has integrity.”
“...Sorry, did you bribe her not to be horrible to Joelle?”
“Well, it was more like -- we asked her, and she refused until we gave her financial compensation.” He clears his throat. “So, um, how have -- how’ve you been?”
“How have I been?” He grins. “Well, I don’t have an eating disorder, and I’m not a crazy drug addict who has to be bribed to be a decent person, and then still can’t, so I’d say I’m doing pretty well.”
BoJack frowns. “Hey, those two are perfectly well-adjusted. They just have a bit of a rivalry. You know how girls are.”
“That is not how girls are.”
“You wouldn’t get it, you’re an only child.”
Bradley raises an eyebrow. “So are you.”
“I have siblings in law.” He grins. “See? In law. Now I can say that without having to say that actually we’re not officially married yet but we basically are because we’ve been together for decades, and, um…” He clears his throat. “Point is, Herb told me siblings fight all the time.”
“They’re not siblings, though.”
“You don’t have to really be siblings to be absolutely horrible to each other.” Before he can say anything else, he notices Hollyhock walking back toward him, rubbing her arm nervously. “Oh, hey, Hock, what’s up?”
Hollyhock stares down at her shoes, frowning deeply. “I think
the
Sarah Lynn gave me body image issues.”
“Oh, yeah, she does that with everybody. Over time you learn to ignore her. Or you don’t. Hey, do you want to go meet another celebrity? My agent managed to get Mr. Peanutbutter to show up, despite my
many
complaints that I hate him!”
Hollyhock looks up at him uncertainly, then murmurs something about finding her dads and walks off. BoJack leans over toward Bradley. “See? Perfectly well-adjusted.”