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This party had started off like any other. The Pogues and Kooks had (mostly) agreed to put aside their differences for a few hours, music was blaring, and everyone had a red solo cup in hand. Things were good tonight.
JJ, however, was bored out of his mind. Usually, on nights like this, he would be hanging out with his friends or chatting up random tourists who had nothing better to do than crash a party on The Cut. Tonight, though, he couldn’t help but feel more alone than usual as he sat against a rock, watching the people around him have the time of their lives.
Looking around, JJ could see John B sitting next to a huge campfire, tapping his foot along to whatever song was playing. Kie and Sarah were laying down together near the edge of the water, Sarah playing with Kie’s hair. And then there was Pope…
There was Pope, as always, talking everyone's ear off. He never meant to ramble, but somehow he always ended up doing so. To his surprise, a lot of the people he talked to at parties didn’t seem to mind. Maybe it had to do with the fact that most of them were always wasted, but it didn’t really matter to him.
JJ sits silently now. He watches Pope closely, the tiniest smile forms on his face. He sees Pope laugh, and JJ swears he can hear it, even over the rest of the sounds coming from all over the beach. He watches Pope stuff his hands in his hoodie pocket, nodding back at the boy he was talking to.
JJ lets out a sigh at the sight. He knew it was time to get over this stupid crush, but then Pope would laugh at one of his stupid jokes, and JJ would know that there was no way these feelings were going away anytime soon.
Pope had been out as bisexual since the beginning of freshmen year, which was around the same time JJ realized he liked Pope as a lot more than a friend. The reactions from others when Pope came out were as expected, a few assholes here and there, but for the most part everyone acted like it wasn’t a really big deal. It made JJ feel a little better whenever he thought about coming out as gay. Pope always made him feel better, one way or another.
JJ eventually snaps out of his thoughts when he realizes Pope is now staring back at him. Quickly, JJ looks down at the sand, trying to act as discreet as possible. It’s too late though because Pope is already jogging over to his spot.
“Hey man, everything good?” Pope asks, crouching down to sit next to him.
“Uh, yeah, totally. Just not feeling it tonight.” JJ still can’t look at him.
“JJ Maybank isn’t in the mood to party?” Pope laughs. “Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”
JJ smiles weakly but doesn’t answer.
The two sit against the rock for a few short moments in silence, JJ looking at the water, Pope playing with the sand. It isn’t until a gust of wind blows by and JJ shivers that Pope breaks the silence.
“You cold?”
JJ nods.
“I always tell you guys to bring a sweater to these things. I mean, we’re by water at night, it’s gonna get cold, but noooo , God forbid anyone ever listens to me.” He rolls his eyes playfully.
JJ still hasn't given Pope any major reaction, and it’s become very obvious.
“Right, well, I’m gonna go check on John B…” Pope looks at his best friend for any sign of emotion, but there’s nothing. “Just, uh, message the group chat if you need anything, yeah?” Pope stands up, dusting off his shorts.
“Yeah.”
“Oh, shit, you should take my hoodie. I’ll be fine without it, but if you plan on sitting against this rock for the rest of the night instead of by the fire, you’ll need it.”
JJ wants to protest, but by the time he can find the words, Pope has already pulled the hoodie over his head and dropped it onto JJ’s lap.
“See you, dude.” Pope starts to walk towards John B.
“You’re not staying at The Chateau tonight?” JJ finally speaks up.
“Nah, my pops wants me home tonight. Early shift tomorrow or something.” Pope shrugs, hoping JJ will say something more.
Instead, JJ just nods and turns his head back to the water, where Kie and Sarah are now slow dancing to a fast pop song. He smiles, wishing for the day he got a moment like that with someone. Someone in particular. Someone who he knew didn’t even like him back. Why would he?
By the time JJ looks forward, Pope is gone. JJ sighs and slips the hoodie over his head, instantly smelling Pope's obnoxious cologne that he loved so much. JJ’s clothes smelt of weed and alcohol, but Popes smelt like a campfire. It made him feel warm. Safe. Like even after everything he’s been through, maybe things would eventually be okay.
“Yo.”
JJ looks up to see Kie and Sarah staring down at him, their hands are interlocked.
“Hey,” JJ half-smiles.
“You tired or something?” Sarah laughs lightly.
“Something like that,” He runs his hand through his hair.
“Well, we’re gonna ditch. I’m spending the night at Sarah’s, but The Chateau is on the way if you want a ride?” Kiara smiles.
JJ looks behind the couple and sees Pope and John B dancing with a few girls he doesn’t recognize. Tourists , JJ thinks and scrunches his nose at the thought.
“Yeah, that’d be perfect actually, thanks.”
JJ thought about letting the guys know that he was heading home for the night. He thought about returning Pope’s hoodie. He did neither. John B would be home soon enough anyway, and he would see Pope sometime tomorrow to return the hoodie.
The ride to The Chateau was fine. Sarah and Kiara sat in the front, Kie driving and singing along to ‘You Belong With Me’ by Taylor Swift, Sarah eventually joining in. JJ sat quietly though. He thought about the song and how silly it was that he actually found himself relating to it somehow.
Like tonight, for example. He sat aside and watched Pope flirt with a bunch of people at this party, but JJ wished it was him. He wished Pope would dance like that with him, just him, no one else. He wished they could do all the things that Kie and Sarah do together, like spend the night together at Pope’s house, or sit by the ocean together, Pope’s fingers in JJ’s hair. That’s what he wanted. That’s what he wished for more than anything.
But his thoughts are interrupted once Kie pulls up to the house. The couple wishes JJ a goodnight, and head off towards Figure Eight.
JJ’s head is hung low as he pushes the front door open and heads for the room he had claimed as his own.
He sits in silence for a few minutes, staring up at the ceiling, wondering how he let this stupid crush go this far. How he managed to think about Pope every second of the day. How he managed to find Pope in every song he heard on the radio. How he let himself fall so in love with his best friend who only saw him as that, his best friend.
JJ continues to daydream about what could be until he nonchalantly stuffs his hands into the hoodie pocket and feels something that feels like a cellphone.
Except when JJ pulls out the device, he realizes it isn’t a cellphone at all. Instead, it’s Pope’s stupid iPod Nano. Yes. An iPod Nano. The Pogues always made fun of him for still having one, but Pope always told them that he liked having all his music in one place and that since he’s had it since he was little, it held a special place in his heart. JJ thought that was really cute, but he never told him that, of course.
JJ holds the device in his hand, examining it before the screen lights up. There was no password or anything, meaning he had full access to Pope’s music.
Would this be considered an invasion of privacy? JJ thought, I mean, he’s the one who left it in the pocket in the first place, and it’s not like listening to music from someone else's iPod is illegal…
So JJ scrolls slowly through the music library, recognizing a few songs here and there. He smiles, seeing multiple Taylor Swift albums, and even some Katy Perry. His smile drops though when he clicks on the playlist tab and instantly sees a playlist with the title ‘JJ’s Playlist’.
There was no way these songs were about him. Pope was probably making all his friends a playlist. JJ tries to convince himself that that’s the case, even after scrolling through every playlist and seeing no others named after their friends. Perhaps he was just finding music to recommend to JJ, music that Pope thought his best friend would like. Curiosity gets the best of him, and he clicks to open the playlist.
He freezes. The third song on the playlist is the song from the car, ‘You Belong With Me’. The fourth song is ‘Teenage Dream’ by Katy Perry. The fifth is ‘for him.’ by Troye Sivan. The sixth is ‘I Wanna Be Yours’ by Arctic Monkeys. JJ scrolls on and on until he reaches the end.
He drops the iPod onto his bed and lets out a huge sigh. He’s smiling now and doesn’t even realize it until he lets out a small, soft laugh. All that time he spent dreaming and wishing, he had been distracting himself from the bigger picture.
Moments later, John B comes barging through the front door, and JJ hears a girl's voice, rolling his eyes. With John B being home, JJ assumes that Pope is already back at his father's place. He grabs his phone and opens up to Pope’s conversation. He had to see him. He needed to get everything off his chest.
JJ: Hey
Pope: Oh, you’re talking to me now?
JJ: Yeah, yeah. I’m a jerk, I know
JJ: You home?
Pope: Nah, ended up going home with some dude lol
JJ’s face drops, his heart slowly breaking until another message comes through.
Pope: Kidding!!!! That was a joke
JJ: Idiot
JJ: I can’t sleep, can I come by for a bit?
Pope: My dad is gonna be pissed but yeah, sure
JJ: Cool, be there in 10
It wasn’t a far walk from The Chateau to Pope’s, so JJ slips on a pair of running shoes and sneaks out through the front door, careful not to disturb John B and his… Guest.
JJ would be lying if he said he didn’t listen to half of the playlist Pope made for him on the way there. He made sure to turn it off once Pope’s house came into sight. JJ makes it to the front door, takes a long pause, a deep gulp, and knocks.
It doesn’t take Pope very long to get to the door, but when he greets JJ and attempts to invite him inside, JJ stands frozen, his hands hidden in the hoodie pocket.
“What’s wrong, dude?” Pope furrows his eyebrows, trying to make out the expression on JJ’s face.
“I… Um… You left your iPod in your pocket,” JJ slides it out of the pocket and hands it over to him.
“Oh, thanks. Is that why you rushed over? You could have just given it to me tom-”
“I opened it.”
“What?”
They’re still standing on Pope’s front lawn. The front door is closed now. The only light that’s illuminating the area is coming from the few lights hanging outside.
“I was just lying down and it turned on and I know I shouldn’t have but I just wanted to see what music you had on there and I-”
“Right, so I’m guessing you found the playlist…”
JJ tries to say something. Anything. He can’t tell if Pope is angry or embarrassed or sad or a mix of all three.
“Listen, JJ, I didn’t mean to like… make you uncomfortable or anything. I’m really sorry if-”
“I love you.”
Now it’s Pope’s turn to freeze, and JJ thinks he might have screwed everything up, but maybe it was worth screwing it up if it meant JJ finally got to be honest with his best friend about how he really felt. Maybe it was worth screwing up if it meant JJ finally got to be honest with himself .
“I think I’ve loved you since I met you, but I just needed my head to catch up. I see you out there,” JJ signals back to the beach. “I see you with all these people and I can’t help but wish it was just me and you. That probably sounds really selfish, but I don’t care. I watch Sarah and Kie and I think about how I want to do all the things they do, but do them with you.”
“JJ-”
“Just wait, please ... I get that I’m not the greatest guy, I still have a ton of shit to figure out, and a whole lot to work through, but I know that I love you. I think that maybe I’ve pushed it away until recently because I thought that you would only ever see me as your best friend. But after tonight, after the playlist, I need to know if that’s true or not… Please, Pope.”
Pope blinks, trying to process everything that was just said. JJ stands there in the dark, still wearing his stupid hoodie, and he has this stupid look on his face, and Pope can’t help but walk over to him, hold his head in his hands, and kiss him.
The kiss isn’t perfect. It’s messy and quick, but it’s exciting. It’s everything the both of them had wanted for the past few years, and when Pope pulls apart, he looks at JJ, who has the goofiest smile on his face now.
“Of course I love you, you idiot. I’ve loved you for so long, and I’m sorry it took you accidentally finding a playlist for this to finally happen, but I’m glad it did.” Pope’s grin matches JJ’s now.
This time, JJ is the one to kiss Pope. This kiss isn’t messy or rushed. This kiss holds every emotion the two of them have bottled up over the years. This kiss was the perfect one. Once they pull apart, JJ laughs.
“So… Do you think your dad would care if I came in for a while?”
“Right now, I couldn’t care less about if he says yes or no. Come on,” Pope grabs JJ’s hand and drags him inside. “You can keep the hoodie, by the way, it looks better on you.”
“You think so?”
“Not really, but you’re still cute.”
“I hate you.”
“I love you, too, JJ.”